Still making decisions on the potty training. Something amazing changed suddenly. Just like 6 weeks ago changing diapers was hell. But suddenly Cedric has relaxed and will lay down when asked and be still for the majority of the diaper change. It's like he was like, "I heard you were thinking of potty training, well, screw that I'll just get compliant with the diaper changes."
I actually see this as a sign he is getting ready to be able to potty train more easily. Difficulty with diaper changes completely coinsided with difficulty in elimination communication (EC).
EC was easy to give up on, but you can't give up on diaper changes so easily. I hid the little potty and potty insert and we completely stopped doing an EC because it had really completely stopped working. I have mixed feeling about this. I know I could have done more with it, but I did it in earnest for a year and had some good times and some bad times and I'm still glad I did it.
It's more hard because I got so much judgement for doing EC from people and now I fear they are looking at me and going, "see, ha ha, you FAILED at EC. You shouldn't have done it." Even though I don't feel I failed at EC, I just didn't stick with it to completetion, we just didn't reach potty independance with EC. And, for now, that is totally OK with me.
My son's pee is much more consolidated now, still dry through the night most nights, peeing a lot in the morning, less at night, and down to one poop a day that you never know is coming. He also seems like he understands a lot more.
My two biggest hang ups for actually starting a real potty training are his ability to get his own pants down and his ability to say something like, "I need to pee, mama." I think he's totally capable of these things, though the comunication would be more like, "pee pee!" rather than a whole sentance. He just need practise and I'm not sure how much
We just have to find the time now. I have a bunch of work trainings coming up. I really want a solid week where we don't need any child care, just to DO THIS FOR REALZ! And in reality "potty" will be on our minds for a few months.
Definitely want this to be all done before we possibly go to China in July, so April is looking to be the absolute latest I'm willing to put this off. He's 19 months now and 3 pounds away from being too big for his medium-sized prefolds, and no way in hell am I going to go buy XL prefolds.
Sunday, December 30, 2012
Thursday, December 20, 2012
I'm one of the 30%
I found this article about the whole Adam Lanza/Lisa Long/mentally ill child fiasco: http://www.ahaparenting.com/_blog/Parenting_Blog/post/Nancy_Lanza,_Liza_Long_and_the_Rest_of_Us/#.UNOcjFGVRn4.facebook
In it she says something that totally rocked my world. She says that she thinks about 70% of kids will turn out just fine regardless of how they are parented, outside of outright abuse. 30% of kids will really need parents to be very, very connected to the them to turn out OK.
I think I'm one of those 30% kids. I think I turned out alright, so I'm not saying my parents totally screwed up, but my mental health issues have always seemed way bigger than they needed to be given my childhood circumstances. I wasn't abused. My parents were even pretty good in some areas. But yet, I ended up having very bad depression and anxiety, I was a cutter when I was younger, I ended up hospitalized a couple times, I've had eating issues, blah blah blah...
Just recently I've been thinking about what the fuck happened. Like I mean, really, what was so god-awful bad in your life, Andrea, that you need so much help and still feel like you are holding on by a thread sometimes? What WAS IT? And you know, I can't put my finger on ONE thing, just a huge accumulation of things.
And I have friends who had it much worse than me, who do better than me. And for the last few years I've felt like I don't deserve to feel this messed up sometimes. Like, just get over it, your life isn't that bad, pick yourself up. You are fine. But it doesn't work. I'm not fine. I'm better, but I'm damaged. I'm in a slow recovery. Better than I ever have been, but still not great.
I think I'm just one of those 30% that really needed really sensitive parenting. I just needed more than I got. Another kid might have been totally fine with my parents and life circumstances, but I wasn't. I'm just more vulnerable for some reason. And I can think of a few family members that are the same way. There are a few who I look at their parents, and think they are fine people and even sometimes their other kids are doing really well, but they aren't. They join me in this 30%.
I'm not going to dwell on what our parents could have done, maybe they couldn't have done anything, it's possible. Or maybe they weren't capable at time time of doing anything differently.
Anyway this statistic of the 70/30% totally made me feel like I understood myself more. I think this is where the whole gene-environment interaction comes in. I was born with a much higher predisposition to developing depression and anxiety. It also gives me hope that most of us will be OK even if our parents really mess up, about 70% of us (again as long as some real abuse doesn't get in there). And probably a good portion of parents are really able to create a super sensitive, nurturing environments for all. Throw alcoholism and divorce and a few other things in there that we really don't always have control over and things get messy.
It also shows me why so many people say things like, "my parents did such and such and I turned out fine," Yes, YOU turned out fine, some of us had the same things happen and we did not turn out "fine." We aren't mass murderers (most of us), but we are recovering. And it can sometimes be hard to know if you've got a 70% kid or a 30% kid. So might as well err on the side of caution and just go ahead and try to create a very warn, sensitive, nurturing environment for them as best as you can.
In it she says something that totally rocked my world. She says that she thinks about 70% of kids will turn out just fine regardless of how they are parented, outside of outright abuse. 30% of kids will really need parents to be very, very connected to the them to turn out OK.
I think I'm one of those 30% kids. I think I turned out alright, so I'm not saying my parents totally screwed up, but my mental health issues have always seemed way bigger than they needed to be given my childhood circumstances. I wasn't abused. My parents were even pretty good in some areas. But yet, I ended up having very bad depression and anxiety, I was a cutter when I was younger, I ended up hospitalized a couple times, I've had eating issues, blah blah blah...
Just recently I've been thinking about what the fuck happened. Like I mean, really, what was so god-awful bad in your life, Andrea, that you need so much help and still feel like you are holding on by a thread sometimes? What WAS IT? And you know, I can't put my finger on ONE thing, just a huge accumulation of things.
And I have friends who had it much worse than me, who do better than me. And for the last few years I've felt like I don't deserve to feel this messed up sometimes. Like, just get over it, your life isn't that bad, pick yourself up. You are fine. But it doesn't work. I'm not fine. I'm better, but I'm damaged. I'm in a slow recovery. Better than I ever have been, but still not great.
I think I'm just one of those 30% that really needed really sensitive parenting. I just needed more than I got. Another kid might have been totally fine with my parents and life circumstances, but I wasn't. I'm just more vulnerable for some reason. And I can think of a few family members that are the same way. There are a few who I look at their parents, and think they are fine people and even sometimes their other kids are doing really well, but they aren't. They join me in this 30%.
I'm not going to dwell on what our parents could have done, maybe they couldn't have done anything, it's possible. Or maybe they weren't capable at time time of doing anything differently.
Anyway this statistic of the 70/30% totally made me feel like I understood myself more. I think this is where the whole gene-environment interaction comes in. I was born with a much higher predisposition to developing depression and anxiety. It also gives me hope that most of us will be OK even if our parents really mess up, about 70% of us (again as long as some real abuse doesn't get in there). And probably a good portion of parents are really able to create a super sensitive, nurturing environments for all. Throw alcoholism and divorce and a few other things in there that we really don't always have control over and things get messy.
It also shows me why so many people say things like, "my parents did such and such and I turned out fine," Yes, YOU turned out fine, some of us had the same things happen and we did not turn out "fine." We aren't mass murderers (most of us), but we are recovering. And it can sometimes be hard to know if you've got a 70% kid or a 30% kid. So might as well err on the side of caution and just go ahead and try to create a very warn, sensitive, nurturing environment for them as best as you can.
Which Growth Chart Your Doctor Uses Matters
Here is my son's weight on the "standard" growth chart.
See how at first he get HUGE, you wonder if I am overfeeding my newborn. Then it tapers off, almost to the point where you start to wonder if he is gaining enough weight
This is the same weight plotted on the WHO's newer growth chart.
Now his weight hugs the yellow line pretty well, it's dipping off a bit now, but not enough to cause alarm.
Just putting this out there that you should be skeptical if someone is worried that your kidisn't fitting well on the growth curve. Make sure you know which curve they are using!
This is the same weight plotted on the WHO's newer growth chart.
Just putting this out there that you should be skeptical if someone is worried that your kidisn't fitting well on the growth curve. Make sure you know which curve they are using!
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Please Stop Calling My Parenting Style "Crazy"
I'm an Attachment Parent, also known as Connective Parenting. I'm not perfect and I do not strive for that. Nor do I have a list of things I think everyone should do. I have some evidence up my sleeve that some of the things I do are awesome, but they aren't for everyone, I get it.
I had this experience of someone confessing to me that she wasn't an AP mom and I similarly felt like I was confessing that I am an AP mom. She said some of them are "crazy."
I had to agree with her there, but I don't think they are crazy because of the Attachment Parenting they do. Personally I would never not vaccinate my child, nor would I ever homeschool, nor would a babywear with a kid who can walk, nor would I try to find raw milk or go on a paleo diet. To each there own, I've gotten over the judgement, I will not say that I agree with them, but I don't think they are bad people. And none of the above have anything to do with Attachment Parenting!
In fact we are all doing the best we can fucking do in this rather messed up world we live in.
I'll refer to the API website for what I really think the bare bones essentials of Attachment Parenting is. http://www.attachmentparenting.org/
The 8 Principals of AP:
1. Prepare for Pregnancy, Birth, and Parenting
2. Feed with Love and Respect
3. Respond with Sensitivity
4. Use Nurturing Touch
5. Ensure Safe Sleep, Physically and Emotionally
6. Provide Consistent and Loving Care
7. Practice Positive Discipline
8. Strive for Balance in Personal and Family Life
Is AP starting to seem less crazy?
Notice how it doesn't say, "breastfeed, babywear, co-sleep, don't vaccinate, eat only organic, have a home birth," or anything like that? You CAN bottle feed with love and respect, you can ensure safe sleep by using a crib, you can prepare for pregnancy and birth and still have a scheduled C-section, you can use nurturing touch without ever using a sling, you can provide consistent and loving care and positive discipline while still screwing up horribly sometimes. AP is not for perfect parents, because there are none of those.
I really do think AP can be for everyone. If you really think children shouldn't be responded to sensitively, shouldn't be disciplined in a positive manner, shouldn't bed fed with love and respect, and that you shouldn't prepare for pregnancy birth and parenthood, then I seriously have to wonder why you are becoming a parent in the first place.
There is good science behind the principals. There is really good science that punishment doesn't really work well and/or causes not so great mental health in the long term (despite what a lot of popular child-rearing books will tell you). This is probably the main reason I got into the attachment parenting community. Being around people who hit and yell at and isolate and shame their children is really hard for me. Again, we in the AP community fuck up sometimes and do just this, but we are a support system for those who want help doing something different.
There is absolutely nothing more important than the relationship you have with your child, with a spouse/partner as a close second. Not being connected with your child has extremely bad consequences, and sometimes they don't come out until adolescence or adulthood. For me, the principals above are what I follow to do my best to make sure I connect with my child.
I didn't babywear much, I yell too much, Cedric has witnessed me completely breaking down a couple times. I am pretty bad at finding balance. I'm still an AP mom, I still have the principal groundwork in my head. I get therapy, I try to grow as a person. Parenthood is way more about controlling your own self than controlling your kids.
Whether or not you are connected to the AP community, you probably agree with the principals above, and probably have a few of your own. I sure do. AP is not the only thing I do. I've got other stuff that influences me even further. I'm a socialist, I'm a humanist, I'm a feminist, I'm a believer in critically examining scientific study. I'm pro-choice, I strongly believe that we all should strive to improve our emotional intelligence and boundaries because a lot of us have issues with these. I also believe we are all doing the best we can with the past and the current info we have.
I hate that my baby got the vitamin K shot at birth, but I went with the info I had at the time. I hate that my overactive let down caused me so much stress, but I lacked support and good info about it at the time. I hate that I had a hospital birth, but I lacked support and knowledge at the time. I hate that I found myself so little help after the birth of my child, but that's just how it goes sometimes.
Moms and dads, you are going to make mistakes. I think too often we want to believe that we are doing it all right and when some piece of info comes along that is counter to what we are doing we bash the new info instead of taking it in and either finding out its bullshit or forgiving ourselves for what we didn't know before. We should all start with, "I'm not going to do this all right."
So before you write off AP as something those crunchy, organic-eating, homebirth, breastfeeding until age 4 moms do, please, go to the website, explore, find a play group, actually meet some of them. And yes, some of them will be crunchy, organic-eating, homebirthing, non-vaccinating, breastfeeding forever, homeschooling moms and dads. And sometimes you will roll your eyes at their raw milk that they are into. And you won't like all of them, but you will see that they are actually quite a diverse set of people. The practice of the principals is going to look different for everyone.
I had this experience of someone confessing to me that she wasn't an AP mom and I similarly felt like I was confessing that I am an AP mom. She said some of them are "crazy."
I had to agree with her there, but I don't think they are crazy because of the Attachment Parenting they do. Personally I would never not vaccinate my child, nor would I ever homeschool, nor would a babywear with a kid who can walk, nor would I try to find raw milk or go on a paleo diet. To each there own, I've gotten over the judgement, I will not say that I agree with them, but I don't think they are bad people. And none of the above have anything to do with Attachment Parenting!
In fact we are all doing the best we can fucking do in this rather messed up world we live in.
I'll refer to the API website for what I really think the bare bones essentials of Attachment Parenting is. http://www.attachmentparenting.org/
The 8 Principals of AP:
1. Prepare for Pregnancy, Birth, and Parenting
2. Feed with Love and Respect
3. Respond with Sensitivity
4. Use Nurturing Touch
5. Ensure Safe Sleep, Physically and Emotionally
6. Provide Consistent and Loving Care
7. Practice Positive Discipline
8. Strive for Balance in Personal and Family Life
Is AP starting to seem less crazy?
Notice how it doesn't say, "breastfeed, babywear, co-sleep, don't vaccinate, eat only organic, have a home birth," or anything like that? You CAN bottle feed with love and respect, you can ensure safe sleep by using a crib, you can prepare for pregnancy and birth and still have a scheduled C-section, you can use nurturing touch without ever using a sling, you can provide consistent and loving care and positive discipline while still screwing up horribly sometimes. AP is not for perfect parents, because there are none of those.
I really do think AP can be for everyone. If you really think children shouldn't be responded to sensitively, shouldn't be disciplined in a positive manner, shouldn't bed fed with love and respect, and that you shouldn't prepare for pregnancy birth and parenthood, then I seriously have to wonder why you are becoming a parent in the first place.
There is good science behind the principals. There is really good science that punishment doesn't really work well and/or causes not so great mental health in the long term (despite what a lot of popular child-rearing books will tell you). This is probably the main reason I got into the attachment parenting community. Being around people who hit and yell at and isolate and shame their children is really hard for me. Again, we in the AP community fuck up sometimes and do just this, but we are a support system for those who want help doing something different.
There is absolutely nothing more important than the relationship you have with your child, with a spouse/partner as a close second. Not being connected with your child has extremely bad consequences, and sometimes they don't come out until adolescence or adulthood. For me, the principals above are what I follow to do my best to make sure I connect with my child.
I didn't babywear much, I yell too much, Cedric has witnessed me completely breaking down a couple times. I am pretty bad at finding balance. I'm still an AP mom, I still have the principal groundwork in my head. I get therapy, I try to grow as a person. Parenthood is way more about controlling your own self than controlling your kids.
Whether or not you are connected to the AP community, you probably agree with the principals above, and probably have a few of your own. I sure do. AP is not the only thing I do. I've got other stuff that influences me even further. I'm a socialist, I'm a humanist, I'm a feminist, I'm a believer in critically examining scientific study. I'm pro-choice, I strongly believe that we all should strive to improve our emotional intelligence and boundaries because a lot of us have issues with these. I also believe we are all doing the best we can with the past and the current info we have.
I hate that my baby got the vitamin K shot at birth, but I went with the info I had at the time. I hate that my overactive let down caused me so much stress, but I lacked support and good info about it at the time. I hate that I had a hospital birth, but I lacked support and knowledge at the time. I hate that I found myself so little help after the birth of my child, but that's just how it goes sometimes.
Moms and dads, you are going to make mistakes. I think too often we want to believe that we are doing it all right and when some piece of info comes along that is counter to what we are doing we bash the new info instead of taking it in and either finding out its bullshit or forgiving ourselves for what we didn't know before. We should all start with, "I'm not going to do this all right."
So before you write off AP as something those crunchy, organic-eating, homebirth, breastfeeding until age 4 moms do, please, go to the website, explore, find a play group, actually meet some of them. And yes, some of them will be crunchy, organic-eating, homebirthing, non-vaccinating, breastfeeding forever, homeschooling moms and dads. And sometimes you will roll your eyes at their raw milk that they are into. And you won't like all of them, but you will see that they are actually quite a diverse set of people. The practice of the principals is going to look different for everyone.
Sunday, December 2, 2012
18 Months of Breastfeeding and One Year of Baby Led Solids
I've made it to 18 months of breastfeeding and a year of Baby-Led Solids! It's so ingrained in what I do from day to day that I don't honestly think about it that much. It's extremely hard for me to imagine feeding my child in any other way. I've held a bottle for all of about 5 mins total in 18 months, and only during the times when my overactive let down was really getting in the way and out of desparation to try to calm a screaming, hungry child who refused to latch on did I attempt a couple times to feed him a bottle of expressed milk.
He's also probably gotten about 1-5% of his food from being spoon fed simply because we were too lazy in the moment to do it right. If you are eating a container of yogurt on the couch and your child clearly wants some, sometimes it's easier and definitely less messy to just spoonfeed instead of getting him his own bowl and spoon. But I'd say at least 95% of all the food he has consumed has been either breastmilk or eaten with his own two hands.
I'm guessing most people think this but breastfeeding sure did not go how I thought it would go. I think my child is what they refer to as a "snacker." Never EVER were there definite feeding times, and never ever, even today with a toddler, am I aware of how many times he actually nursed (except on those rare days where time with him is limited). If I counted how many times he actually latched on, it could be like 50 times. I'm guessing my overactive let down added to this because if milk is coming out fast you've got to take some breathers.
There have been a few times when doctors have asked me how often he nurses or how many times a day and I totally have to fumble over these questions because, really, when we are home, he nurses a lot, and when we are out he might nurse once in a few hour time span. And at night, I'm not even aware. So... The true answer is, "I don't know and it varies a lot."
When I hear other mothers talking about specific nursing times and lengths I wonder how they know. Are they making it up, or do some children actually ask to nure and then nurse for 10 mins and are done for a while? Because mine never did that. Mine would cry or sign "milk" nurse for a minute, come off, nurse another minute or two, do something else for a minute, come back and nurse for a bit. Sometimes I would get a whole 5 mins and before nap or sleep or after nap or sleep sometimes 30 mins or 45 mins. But when he was younger, it was less.
My husband today mentioned that maybe we should give him cows milk even when I'm around, to which I said, "but why wouldn't I just breastfeed him?" My husband noted that they I would be so angry about nursing.
I'm an angry nurser now. Not all the time, but frequently my toddler annoys me with his toddler antics during nursing. Not sure why I can't accept that he's a toddler even while nursing. Frequently things like, "please don't climb mommy while nursing," "no pulling hair," "pick a booby and stick with it," "both the boobies are out, what is the matter?" and "enough! Boobies are taking a break now!" Come out of my mouth.
Dammit... I want more specific nursing times. I told my husband that I would think about limiting the times we nurse; I'm not ready yet, but if he's noticing how annoyed I am sometimes, maybe it's time to cut back a little; later. I've got bigger fish to fry with my wanting to start potty training in the next month or two. I'm not going to do two things at once, it will just be too stressful.
He's also probably gotten about 1-5% of his food from being spoon fed simply because we were too lazy in the moment to do it right. If you are eating a container of yogurt on the couch and your child clearly wants some, sometimes it's easier and definitely less messy to just spoonfeed instead of getting him his own bowl and spoon. But I'd say at least 95% of all the food he has consumed has been either breastmilk or eaten with his own two hands.
I'm guessing most people think this but breastfeeding sure did not go how I thought it would go. I think my child is what they refer to as a "snacker." Never EVER were there definite feeding times, and never ever, even today with a toddler, am I aware of how many times he actually nursed (except on those rare days where time with him is limited). If I counted how many times he actually latched on, it could be like 50 times. I'm guessing my overactive let down added to this because if milk is coming out fast you've got to take some breathers.
There have been a few times when doctors have asked me how often he nurses or how many times a day and I totally have to fumble over these questions because, really, when we are home, he nurses a lot, and when we are out he might nurse once in a few hour time span. And at night, I'm not even aware. So... The true answer is, "I don't know and it varies a lot."
When I hear other mothers talking about specific nursing times and lengths I wonder how they know. Are they making it up, or do some children actually ask to nure and then nurse for 10 mins and are done for a while? Because mine never did that. Mine would cry or sign "milk" nurse for a minute, come off, nurse another minute or two, do something else for a minute, come back and nurse for a bit. Sometimes I would get a whole 5 mins and before nap or sleep or after nap or sleep sometimes 30 mins or 45 mins. But when he was younger, it was less.
My husband today mentioned that maybe we should give him cows milk even when I'm around, to which I said, "but why wouldn't I just breastfeed him?" My husband noted that they I would be so angry about nursing.
I'm an angry nurser now. Not all the time, but frequently my toddler annoys me with his toddler antics during nursing. Not sure why I can't accept that he's a toddler even while nursing. Frequently things like, "please don't climb mommy while nursing," "no pulling hair," "pick a booby and stick with it," "both the boobies are out, what is the matter?" and "enough! Boobies are taking a break now!" Come out of my mouth.
Dammit... I want more specific nursing times. I told my husband that I would think about limiting the times we nurse; I'm not ready yet, but if he's noticing how annoyed I am sometimes, maybe it's time to cut back a little; later. I've got bigger fish to fry with my wanting to start potty training in the next month or two. I'm not going to do two things at once, it will just be too stressful.
Monday, November 19, 2012
Let Go, You Will Like it Better
Today was a good day out for Cedric and I. We went to the Midtown Global Market and got food and we played at their play area and then went to the park to play because it was stupid warm out for November. It was a nice relaxing, fun time, with little drama. And we had this awesome time not because my kid is some super-well behaved toddler who is always calm and cheery. No, we had a good time because I let him be a toddler and didn't stress out.
But what I observed from some other parents was stress stress stress. This will probably come across as judgmental, maybe it is. I'm sure all you moms and dads are trying your best and you want what is best for your kid, but I have no idea how you keep up the high stress pace. I have an anxiety disorder and I'm calmer than you.
For me play time ideally is this: drop kid in play area, step out of play area, keep eye on kid, step in if kid is close to seriously hurting himself or another, or doing something destructive or very improper. (Sometimes I can play with, but really I don't want to be the main player, play time is for my son, not me. I like to watch him.)
At the MGM today I only felt a need to step in when he was trying to push the Cozy Coupe out of the play area (something very improper). I just redirected him to keep it in the play area while he screamed and had a tantrum for a few minutes, then he was on to something else. I also helped him on and off the bouncy horse because he's still too short.
Another parent literally followed her 20 month old around and TOLD him HOW to play with everything and often said he was doing it all wrong. I'm sorry, no one needs to tell a kid how to play, they know how. I've never shown my kid the "proper" way to play and he still does what everyone else does.
Also Cedric picked up some blocks that another kid was playing with and she angrily slapped them out of his hand, he was fine, but the other parent totally over-reacted. And of course did not take her daughter's feelings into any consideration. The message was simply that her kid was out of control and acting badly, not a very good message to send a child. Especially when the kid was actually acting completely appropriate for her age.
Like when my son had the tantrum over the Cozy Coupe. I didn't tell him his tantrum was wrong or bad, I fully expected the tantrum. I let it run it's course, I empathized with him, and then it was over.
So part of the reason we went out was to get away from the craziness of these other parents. At the park there is more space. Cedric played at the playground and then took a walk through the grass. When the hill got too steep he reached for my hand, when we got near the lake I told him "no farther" and he tested this limit several times, but he listened and went no farther. Then he held my hand when the hill got too steep again, and then got frustrated over trying to climb a slide and screamed when I put him in his stroller to go home because by this time he was very tired. He had walked a long way and it was nearing nap time.
It was a great trip out. I wasn't exasperated like other parents I've seen out with their kid. Going out is supposed to be fun, not a huge disciplinary task that you need full control over. Geeze, I can't imagine exerting that much energy. I think I do it better with less. I don't ignore, but I'm mindful of when to act and when to let go and leave the playground to wonder over the hills and along the lake. I am only along for the ride in my son's journey of life; I have little control in reality.
If you aren't having fun, you won't win at life. If parenting is a constant battle and a downer, even during the supposed "fun outing" times, something probably could change. I think I had a better day today than the majority of people I saw, and my kid is not some special genius child or anything.
But what I observed from some other parents was stress stress stress. This will probably come across as judgmental, maybe it is. I'm sure all you moms and dads are trying your best and you want what is best for your kid, but I have no idea how you keep up the high stress pace. I have an anxiety disorder and I'm calmer than you.
For me play time ideally is this: drop kid in play area, step out of play area, keep eye on kid, step in if kid is close to seriously hurting himself or another, or doing something destructive or very improper. (Sometimes I can play with, but really I don't want to be the main player, play time is for my son, not me. I like to watch him.)
At the MGM today I only felt a need to step in when he was trying to push the Cozy Coupe out of the play area (something very improper). I just redirected him to keep it in the play area while he screamed and had a tantrum for a few minutes, then he was on to something else. I also helped him on and off the bouncy horse because he's still too short.
Another parent literally followed her 20 month old around and TOLD him HOW to play with everything and often said he was doing it all wrong. I'm sorry, no one needs to tell a kid how to play, they know how. I've never shown my kid the "proper" way to play and he still does what everyone else does.
Also Cedric picked up some blocks that another kid was playing with and she angrily slapped them out of his hand, he was fine, but the other parent totally over-reacted. And of course did not take her daughter's feelings into any consideration. The message was simply that her kid was out of control and acting badly, not a very good message to send a child. Especially when the kid was actually acting completely appropriate for her age.
Like when my son had the tantrum over the Cozy Coupe. I didn't tell him his tantrum was wrong or bad, I fully expected the tantrum. I let it run it's course, I empathized with him, and then it was over.
So part of the reason we went out was to get away from the craziness of these other parents. At the park there is more space. Cedric played at the playground and then took a walk through the grass. When the hill got too steep he reached for my hand, when we got near the lake I told him "no farther" and he tested this limit several times, but he listened and went no farther. Then he held my hand when the hill got too steep again, and then got frustrated over trying to climb a slide and screamed when I put him in his stroller to go home because by this time he was very tired. He had walked a long way and it was nearing nap time.
It was a great trip out. I wasn't exasperated like other parents I've seen out with their kid. Going out is supposed to be fun, not a huge disciplinary task that you need full control over. Geeze, I can't imagine exerting that much energy. I think I do it better with less. I don't ignore, but I'm mindful of when to act and when to let go and leave the playground to wonder over the hills and along the lake. I am only along for the ride in my son's journey of life; I have little control in reality.
If you aren't having fun, you won't win at life. If parenting is a constant battle and a downer, even during the supposed "fun outing" times, something probably could change. I think I had a better day today than the majority of people I saw, and my kid is not some special genius child or anything.
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
New JOB!
I got a new job. I'll be working awake overnights on weekends two night a week. I'm super excited. I will be getting over a 40% pay raise from my current job and will be in a slightly new field learning new things.
I sat down and googled shift work sleep schedules and came up wit a plan for managing this sleep. Ideally for most of the other nights I want a normal 10-pm-ish to 7-am-ish sleep schedule. This meant I felt a huge need to get Cedric on a sleep schedule, finally. I'm hoping to get him to sleep sometime between 8 and 9 pm most nights, tonight he was down at 8:40 pm, so that was great. We have a simple routine of getting sleep clothes on, brushing teeth, reading two stories, closing the bedroom door, turning off the bedroom light, and nursing in bed until he's asleep. Tonight it only took 25 mins, this is awesome. This morning he was up at 7 am so I suspect tomorrow will be similar. If he gets up at 6:30 or earlier, I'm moving bedtime later.
My husband works evenings and gets home on average around 12:30 am. Ideally I want to be fast asleep by this point, which means really trying to be in bed by 10:30 at the latest. If I'm up when he gets home I have a hard time falling asleep while he's getting a snack and winding down for the night. So on the nights he works I want to be able to get up with Cedric in the morning and let him sleep in a bit. Then on Thursday night, Friday morning I plan on keeping myself up until about 3 am and sleeping until noonish to prepare for staying up all night Friday to Saturday morning. Then I'll get home from work at about 9 am and sleep as long as I can, hopefully until 4 ish. Then on Sunday morning I plan on making myself get up by 1 pm, be really tired that day so that I can get to sleep at 10 pm that night.
I think if I really stick to this plan, it will be good. One thing is that I will end up having quite a bit of time alone at night now while my child is sleeping and my husband is either at work or sleeping. Plus he still takes one nap a day of 1-3 hours depending on how night sleep went. Today it was 1.5 hours. So I'm kind of excited about this. I need to come up with things to do. Of course there will be household tasks, but not that much; I don't have high standards. I might write, I might try an exercise video, I might take up crochetting again. I need something to get me excited, so I don't just putz on the internet reading cracked.com and facebook. Maybe an online course?
I'm also trying to plan stuff for the evenings while Brent is working. I've got some regular dinner with friends things brewing, and I found a Thursday night Al-anon meeting that has childcare that I'm going to check out. I need late afternoon and evening things to bring Cedric to and that is hard to find. So I plan on trying to invite lots of people over for dinner at my place, I like to cook and staying in is easier in the winter with a toddler. I might have to try to find a kid-friendly yoga class or something like that.
Now that work schedules are calmed down, still crazy, but not so much in flux, I feel like I can start doing some things again.
I sat down and googled shift work sleep schedules and came up wit a plan for managing this sleep. Ideally for most of the other nights I want a normal 10-pm-ish to 7-am-ish sleep schedule. This meant I felt a huge need to get Cedric on a sleep schedule, finally. I'm hoping to get him to sleep sometime between 8 and 9 pm most nights, tonight he was down at 8:40 pm, so that was great. We have a simple routine of getting sleep clothes on, brushing teeth, reading two stories, closing the bedroom door, turning off the bedroom light, and nursing in bed until he's asleep. Tonight it only took 25 mins, this is awesome. This morning he was up at 7 am so I suspect tomorrow will be similar. If he gets up at 6:30 or earlier, I'm moving bedtime later.
My husband works evenings and gets home on average around 12:30 am. Ideally I want to be fast asleep by this point, which means really trying to be in bed by 10:30 at the latest. If I'm up when he gets home I have a hard time falling asleep while he's getting a snack and winding down for the night. So on the nights he works I want to be able to get up with Cedric in the morning and let him sleep in a bit. Then on Thursday night, Friday morning I plan on keeping myself up until about 3 am and sleeping until noonish to prepare for staying up all night Friday to Saturday morning. Then I'll get home from work at about 9 am and sleep as long as I can, hopefully until 4 ish. Then on Sunday morning I plan on making myself get up by 1 pm, be really tired that day so that I can get to sleep at 10 pm that night.
I think if I really stick to this plan, it will be good. One thing is that I will end up having quite a bit of time alone at night now while my child is sleeping and my husband is either at work or sleeping. Plus he still takes one nap a day of 1-3 hours depending on how night sleep went. Today it was 1.5 hours. So I'm kind of excited about this. I need to come up with things to do. Of course there will be household tasks, but not that much; I don't have high standards. I might write, I might try an exercise video, I might take up crochetting again. I need something to get me excited, so I don't just putz on the internet reading cracked.com and facebook. Maybe an online course?
I'm also trying to plan stuff for the evenings while Brent is working. I've got some regular dinner with friends things brewing, and I found a Thursday night Al-anon meeting that has childcare that I'm going to check out. I need late afternoon and evening things to bring Cedric to and that is hard to find. So I plan on trying to invite lots of people over for dinner at my place, I like to cook and staying in is easier in the winter with a toddler. I might have to try to find a kid-friendly yoga class or something like that.
Now that work schedules are calmed down, still crazy, but not so much in flux, I feel like I can start doing some things again.
Monday, October 15, 2012
The Three Act Story of Getting Cedric Antibiotics; A Comedy
Act I.
We had a problem. My son, Cedric, was sick. Barfing sick, barfing a lot. Way more than the first time he had a barfing illness. I called the nurses line through our HCMC clinic and she told me to go the the ER. Sigh. I had little interest in going to the ER. I took a look at him, he was happily playing at the moment and seemed like he would survive avoiding the ER and going to Urgent Care instead.
I called my friend, Manda and asked her accompany me. My husband was at work. It was a Friday afternoon, around 2 pm. We headed to St. Louis Park, which has an all day Urgent Care. We got in to see the doctor (actually a nurse practitioner) around 3:30. He looked in his throat and said it was red. He decided to do a throat culture. We went to the lobby to wait for the test results, Cedric ran around and had a blast, he didn't seem so sick at the moment. He hadn't thrown up for several hours now, I thought we were all done with vomit.
Turns out he did have strep. We discussed the options. Either a shot of antibiotics, or liquid oral antibiotics. I decided on the liquid oral antibiotics. Mistake ONE, but I wouldn't find that out until later. I stupidly thought it would be easy to give it to him. I didn't even think about the fact that his vomiting might come back...
The nurse said he would send the prescription by fax to our preferred pharmacy, which for some damn reason is Target right now. Mistake TWO. We all headed for Target around 4:10 pm, arrived a bit after 4:30 thinking it was all going to be good. The classic end to an Act I.
Act II.
Cedric fell asleep in the car on the way to Target. So I got his stroller out of the hatchback so he could have a comfy place to lay down while we hung out in Target waiting for the prescription. We were also told to get some Pedialyte and Children's Advil. He was at risk for dehydration.
Cedric had stripped off his socks at the Urgent Care, which he does often. He loves to take off his socks and since it was 50 degrees out, I didn't worry too much about it; he had on long pants and a long sleeve shirt. Why am I telling you this? Oh that's because...
When I entered Target with my sick toddler laying in his stroller some older random-ass stranger lady came up to me and said, "Aren't your child's feet cold without socks on?" And then she shook her head very disapprovingly and walked away from me quickly. The message was clear, "you are horrible for not having socks on your child."
I yelled after her, "ARE YOU SERIOUS?!" She, of course did not respond and hurried on in to Target. I have never had a stranger do something like that to me. I have gotten comments, but never so mean as that.
What I wanted to say to her: "Look, asshole! You have no idea what I have been through in the last 24 hours, would you like to know? I've had a vomiting child on my hands, one that vomited several times into my own bed and on to my computer chair and on to the kitchen floor and on to several of me and my husband's clothing items. I barely slept last night, had to wait a good hour and a half in Urgent Care and found out my son needs antibiotics. He pulled his socks off about an hour ago and you know what? I guess I didn't think it was super important to get them back on again. If you would like to take over care of this sick child for the next few days, by all means, take him off my hands. You force antibiotic down his throat, clean up his vomit, and make sure he doesn't dehydrate! Clearly you are the expert here!"
It sets a bad tone for the rest of the Target trip.
We picked up some Pedialyte which was hard to find, and got some Children's Advil. Then we went to see if the prescription had come in yet. We got this message: "Oh our fax machine is broken, did he send it regular fax or via E-fax?"
Seriously? "I have no idea." The pharmacy lady tells me I will need to call my clinic. "It's an urgent care, I don't have the number!" She somehow is able to look up a number for the Health Partners St. Louis Park scheduling line. I try it and get someone to transfer me to urgent care. I explain the situation and tell them to call in the prescription. "What is the number?" Oh goddamnit. "What the number here!" I yell to whoever in the pharmacy can hear me, and we somehow get it to her.
I decide to nurse Cedric a bit, who needs fluids. He immediately vomits on to Target's floor and my sweater. We clean up the best we can and Manda tracks down an employee who just wipes up the vomit with a paper towel... which makes me wary of Target's floor cleanliness. Here I was thinking they had some protocol for vomit clean up. I told her to wash her hands well. She didn't even have gloves on.
We walk around Target for a while and go back to check. This time the pharmacy lady says that by some miracle they did get the faxed prescription and that it will be ready in 20 minutes. Then about 3 minutes later the pharmacy calls my cell phone to tell me that the prescription isn't a legal one, they aren't allowed to fill it. Somehow the doctor or the clinic messed up the prescription and didn't write it correctly. W. T. F?! I have never heard of this happening before. I basically asked them to fill it anyway, pretty, pretty please? No.
Then I ask her to call the clinic. Please can the pharmacy just call the clinic and figure this shit out? She says, "I'm not going to do that, we are too busy." Are you kidding me? So apparently OTHER customers are way more important than me. I call the appointment line again, which is how I got to urgent care the first time. This time the woman on the line refuses to connect me to urgent care. I'm not kidding. She says they don't have a number, even though I was just connected to their number less than an hour ago. Instead she transfers me to a nurses line.
I tell my friend, Manda, that we should buy what we have and get out of here, I may very well need to drive all the way back to the clinic to get a written prescription. As we are checking out and I'm on hold on the nurses line, I start to cry. My baby needs antibiotics and it seems impossible to get them. All hope is lost. A fitting end to Act II.
Act III.
We check out and all head to my car and load everything and everyone into it. Then someone finally picks up the nurses line and I spew out my horrible tale for a good minute to the nurse. She takes it seriously and calls urgent care herself. She says they are going to send it again.
I suddenly realize how hungry I am, It's past 6 pm now and I haven't eaten since lunchtime. "You want to get Wendy's?" I ask Manda, and she agrees. Wendy's is just across the street. We go through the drive-thru and eat in the car, I'm in no shape for public eating. I inhale my food. We decide to call Target Pharmacy first to see if the prescription is ready before going back in. I call and I'm lucky, she says the clinic called and confirmed the prescription. It is ready to pick up.
I literally run into Target while Manda watches the car and Cedric and get the goddamn antibiotics. We all head to my house. I get the first dose into Cedric and 50 minutes later he vomits. I think it is good enough.
Afterward:
After all of that, Cedric ended up barely drinking any fluids that evening and overnight. He refused my breast in the morning and immediately threw up his morning antibiotic dose. I had to go to work for a few hours in the morning. Talking to Brent on the phone around 9:30 am I learn that he is refusing everything and is just sleeping now. Brent hasn't been able to get another dose of antibiotics into him. I tell him to take Cedric to the ER at Children's, which is very close to our house. Brent agrees and I spend the next hour freaking out at work, not getting much done and waiting for news from Brent.
Luckily Cedric got in right away and was given a shot of antibiotics and some anti-nausea medicine. I get word of this at 10:30 am and I am finally able to relax. By the time I get to the ER he is being discharged.
The End.
We had a problem. My son, Cedric, was sick. Barfing sick, barfing a lot. Way more than the first time he had a barfing illness. I called the nurses line through our HCMC clinic and she told me to go the the ER. Sigh. I had little interest in going to the ER. I took a look at him, he was happily playing at the moment and seemed like he would survive avoiding the ER and going to Urgent Care instead.
I called my friend, Manda and asked her accompany me. My husband was at work. It was a Friday afternoon, around 2 pm. We headed to St. Louis Park, which has an all day Urgent Care. We got in to see the doctor (actually a nurse practitioner) around 3:30. He looked in his throat and said it was red. He decided to do a throat culture. We went to the lobby to wait for the test results, Cedric ran around and had a blast, he didn't seem so sick at the moment. He hadn't thrown up for several hours now, I thought we were all done with vomit.
Turns out he did have strep. We discussed the options. Either a shot of antibiotics, or liquid oral antibiotics. I decided on the liquid oral antibiotics. Mistake ONE, but I wouldn't find that out until later. I stupidly thought it would be easy to give it to him. I didn't even think about the fact that his vomiting might come back...
The nurse said he would send the prescription by fax to our preferred pharmacy, which for some damn reason is Target right now. Mistake TWO. We all headed for Target around 4:10 pm, arrived a bit after 4:30 thinking it was all going to be good. The classic end to an Act I.
Act II.
Cedric fell asleep in the car on the way to Target. So I got his stroller out of the hatchback so he could have a comfy place to lay down while we hung out in Target waiting for the prescription. We were also told to get some Pedialyte and Children's Advil. He was at risk for dehydration.
Cedric had stripped off his socks at the Urgent Care, which he does often. He loves to take off his socks and since it was 50 degrees out, I didn't worry too much about it; he had on long pants and a long sleeve shirt. Why am I telling you this? Oh that's because...
When I entered Target with my sick toddler laying in his stroller some older random-ass stranger lady came up to me and said, "Aren't your child's feet cold without socks on?" And then she shook her head very disapprovingly and walked away from me quickly. The message was clear, "you are horrible for not having socks on your child."
I yelled after her, "ARE YOU SERIOUS?!" She, of course did not respond and hurried on in to Target. I have never had a stranger do something like that to me. I have gotten comments, but never so mean as that.
What I wanted to say to her: "Look, asshole! You have no idea what I have been through in the last 24 hours, would you like to know? I've had a vomiting child on my hands, one that vomited several times into my own bed and on to my computer chair and on to the kitchen floor and on to several of me and my husband's clothing items. I barely slept last night, had to wait a good hour and a half in Urgent Care and found out my son needs antibiotics. He pulled his socks off about an hour ago and you know what? I guess I didn't think it was super important to get them back on again. If you would like to take over care of this sick child for the next few days, by all means, take him off my hands. You force antibiotic down his throat, clean up his vomit, and make sure he doesn't dehydrate! Clearly you are the expert here!"
It sets a bad tone for the rest of the Target trip.
We picked up some Pedialyte which was hard to find, and got some Children's Advil. Then we went to see if the prescription had come in yet. We got this message: "Oh our fax machine is broken, did he send it regular fax or via E-fax?"
Seriously? "I have no idea." The pharmacy lady tells me I will need to call my clinic. "It's an urgent care, I don't have the number!" She somehow is able to look up a number for the Health Partners St. Louis Park scheduling line. I try it and get someone to transfer me to urgent care. I explain the situation and tell them to call in the prescription. "What is the number?" Oh goddamnit. "What the number here!" I yell to whoever in the pharmacy can hear me, and we somehow get it to her.
I decide to nurse Cedric a bit, who needs fluids. He immediately vomits on to Target's floor and my sweater. We clean up the best we can and Manda tracks down an employee who just wipes up the vomit with a paper towel... which makes me wary of Target's floor cleanliness. Here I was thinking they had some protocol for vomit clean up. I told her to wash her hands well. She didn't even have gloves on.
We walk around Target for a while and go back to check. This time the pharmacy lady says that by some miracle they did get the faxed prescription and that it will be ready in 20 minutes. Then about 3 minutes later the pharmacy calls my cell phone to tell me that the prescription isn't a legal one, they aren't allowed to fill it. Somehow the doctor or the clinic messed up the prescription and didn't write it correctly. W. T. F?! I have never heard of this happening before. I basically asked them to fill it anyway, pretty, pretty please? No.
Then I ask her to call the clinic. Please can the pharmacy just call the clinic and figure this shit out? She says, "I'm not going to do that, we are too busy." Are you kidding me? So apparently OTHER customers are way more important than me. I call the appointment line again, which is how I got to urgent care the first time. This time the woman on the line refuses to connect me to urgent care. I'm not kidding. She says they don't have a number, even though I was just connected to their number less than an hour ago. Instead she transfers me to a nurses line.
I tell my friend, Manda, that we should buy what we have and get out of here, I may very well need to drive all the way back to the clinic to get a written prescription. As we are checking out and I'm on hold on the nurses line, I start to cry. My baby needs antibiotics and it seems impossible to get them. All hope is lost. A fitting end to Act II.
Act III.
We check out and all head to my car and load everything and everyone into it. Then someone finally picks up the nurses line and I spew out my horrible tale for a good minute to the nurse. She takes it seriously and calls urgent care herself. She says they are going to send it again.
I suddenly realize how hungry I am, It's past 6 pm now and I haven't eaten since lunchtime. "You want to get Wendy's?" I ask Manda, and she agrees. Wendy's is just across the street. We go through the drive-thru and eat in the car, I'm in no shape for public eating. I inhale my food. We decide to call Target Pharmacy first to see if the prescription is ready before going back in. I call and I'm lucky, she says the clinic called and confirmed the prescription. It is ready to pick up.
I literally run into Target while Manda watches the car and Cedric and get the goddamn antibiotics. We all head to my house. I get the first dose into Cedric and 50 minutes later he vomits. I think it is good enough.
Afterward:
After all of that, Cedric ended up barely drinking any fluids that evening and overnight. He refused my breast in the morning and immediately threw up his morning antibiotic dose. I had to go to work for a few hours in the morning. Talking to Brent on the phone around 9:30 am I learn that he is refusing everything and is just sleeping now. Brent hasn't been able to get another dose of antibiotics into him. I tell him to take Cedric to the ER at Children's, which is very close to our house. Brent agrees and I spend the next hour freaking out at work, not getting much done and waiting for news from Brent.
Luckily Cedric got in right away and was given a shot of antibiotics and some anti-nausea medicine. I get word of this at 10:30 am and I am finally able to relax. By the time I get to the ER he is being discharged.
The End.
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Our Home
We bought this duplex in Powderhorn Park 2 1/2 years ago and have settled in to it nicely with the baby. We live upstairs and have renters downstairs who give us money to live there. It works out very nicely financially. It's the only way I was able to quit my full time job when Cedric was 5 months old.
The original plan was to live in it for the 3 years we had to to keep our $8,000 tax break for first time home buyers. Then we planned on buying something else and renting this place completely out. This is still not a bad plan, but I have doubts that we'll have saved enough money for another down payment on another place. We are also slightly in the hole with our current mortgage, because home values continued to decrease after we bought ours. So I'm unsure about our ability to get another mortgage or any kind of a loan, although we both have excellent credit.
And now I'm kind of falling in love with the neighborhood and my neighbors and the house itself. I feel like we could stay here for a while. I feel like we could have 2 small kids fit comfortably here in our 900 square foot space. I also feel like it would be hard to find anything better for the price we could afford. But hopefully we can both find better jobs sometime in the next 6 months. I think it is likely we will be living here when the next baby arrives (2014 estimate), and probably a bit after that. Call it a 5 year home plan of sorts.
The biggest thing me and my husband have been discussing is what to work on in the house. I have a long list of things I would like to do to make the house better. I would like to fence in the backyard, screen in the front porch, get a new kitchen floor, paint the ugly oak kitchen cabinets, and a few other things. My husband would like to do as little as possible and save money for the next house. And it's really a moot point right now because we don't have extra money for either. Back to the jobs, we feel kind of stuck until this job crap gets sorted out. It's hard to budget when you really don't know what your future income will be.
I think doing a bit of work will increase the selling or renting power of this place. The cheapest thing I can do right now it to fix up our neglected yard, which I've been doing a little of and am committed to doing this spring. Mostly it's going to be pulling up weeds and little trees and doing some over seeding and mulching. I'm doing some preliminary weeding of the paved areas now. At least it will make the sidewalks easier to shovel. And maybe I can convince my husband to take on the screening project or something else.
I felt overwhelmed by home ownership the first couple years, but now I really want to make this a nice place, one that we'll probably be hanging in for a few more years.
The original plan was to live in it for the 3 years we had to to keep our $8,000 tax break for first time home buyers. Then we planned on buying something else and renting this place completely out. This is still not a bad plan, but I have doubts that we'll have saved enough money for another down payment on another place. We are also slightly in the hole with our current mortgage, because home values continued to decrease after we bought ours. So I'm unsure about our ability to get another mortgage or any kind of a loan, although we both have excellent credit.
And now I'm kind of falling in love with the neighborhood and my neighbors and the house itself. I feel like we could stay here for a while. I feel like we could have 2 small kids fit comfortably here in our 900 square foot space. I also feel like it would be hard to find anything better for the price we could afford. But hopefully we can both find better jobs sometime in the next 6 months. I think it is likely we will be living here when the next baby arrives (2014 estimate), and probably a bit after that. Call it a 5 year home plan of sorts.
The biggest thing me and my husband have been discussing is what to work on in the house. I have a long list of things I would like to do to make the house better. I would like to fence in the backyard, screen in the front porch, get a new kitchen floor, paint the ugly oak kitchen cabinets, and a few other things. My husband would like to do as little as possible and save money for the next house. And it's really a moot point right now because we don't have extra money for either. Back to the jobs, we feel kind of stuck until this job crap gets sorted out. It's hard to budget when you really don't know what your future income will be.
I think doing a bit of work will increase the selling or renting power of this place. The cheapest thing I can do right now it to fix up our neglected yard, which I've been doing a little of and am committed to doing this spring. Mostly it's going to be pulling up weeds and little trees and doing some over seeding and mulching. I'm doing some preliminary weeding of the paved areas now. At least it will make the sidewalks easier to shovel. And maybe I can convince my husband to take on the screening project or something else.
I felt overwhelmed by home ownership the first couple years, but now I really want to make this a nice place, one that we'll probably be hanging in for a few more years.
Friday, October 5, 2012
My Son Chooses His Words Carefully
I feel the need to write a blog about my son's language development, or lack thereof.
I swing back and forth between being content and being frustrated and wondering if I did something wrong.
We have what you could call a "late talker." Though at 16 months, it's still way too early to be worrying about any kind of disability.
A book Brent got from the library says we should only worry if he doesn't have at least 15 words by 18 months. Our doctor says she won't really worry until 24 months. And my husband was a late talker too (I was an early talker). So chances are he is totally fine and is just content to not talk right now. I will be blown away if he has 15 words by 18 months, because right now he has maybe three words and maybe two signs.
He has said other words, but not consistently Like way back when he was 11 months I swore I heard him say "kitty" and "baby." But then I really haven't heard them since then. It's like he practiced those and now he's done. And although I've been signing my ass off sometimes, he really has only picked up "milk" and "more" and he usually chooses to not use them. Pointing and grunting or screaming or going "muh muh muh muh," is what he does.
His one word right now is, "uh oh." "Mama" has been around for a while, but I really don't hear it that much. "Dada" is a rarity.
It's enough to make a first time parent go mad. We've actually been decently calm about it. It creeps up into my anxiety every once in a while. I'm so happy to hear about ya'll's stories about all the words and signs your toddlers have, but it's shocking to a mother who's son rarely puts a couple letters together. I sometimes think, "what did they do differently?"
I also get shocked when I hear about your little one's teething molars because my son still only has four teeth, but teeth development is a little more blame-proof. I don't think being a better mother pushes those teeth through faster.
Cedric does understand a lot. This is a big reason why our doctor told us that he's totally normal. He follows simple commands. He'll give me a hug when I ask for one, he'll put stuff in the trash when I ask him, he knows to be upset when I tell him "no" or that he "can't have that." He also is starting to get sneaky. He knows that I can only enforce rules when I catch him in the act. He often looks over his shoulder to see if I am watching. He's a smart boy.
What's really crazy is that talking kids actually annoy me a great deal sometimes. There are three little girls who live below us in our duplex and when warm weather comes I can hear them talking. And they say the craziest things, and they are loud, and they sometimes run around repeating things over and over and over and you just want to yell at them to shut up, but you don't because you're an adult who has hopefully learned to act like one.
And I've babysat this one four year old a few times and man... the questions that come out of his mouth are non-stop... and crazy questions that are hard to answer, specific questions that I don't have answers to, and the questions keep coming and you want him to be inquisitive, but instead you're dumbfounded and feel like there should be some manual for answering the types of questions that kids ask. One of the kids that lives below us asked me one day, "what are those." "Groceries," I said, because they were groceries. "What are they for?" Uh.... what do you MEAN what are they for? They are groceries... doesn't the fact that they are groceries answer what they are for? I don't know what you want me to explain! What kind of a question is that? Kids ask weird questions, is what I am saying.
So maybe it is a blessing that he is not yet talking. And the real reason is probably that he takes after his father, who chooses his words carefully and never says anything frivolous. My husband does not waste words goddamnit, each one has a good purpose. It's either something I need to know, something to make me laugh, or something to make me feel good. No meaningless jabber about his day, or at least very little. And I'm the opposite, almost, I will talk and talk and talk and tell him a whole bunch of meaningless things he doesn't really need to know, just to make conversation and entertainment and to process my thoughts. He says he enjoys listening, so we both win.
So perhaps my son is internally processing his thoughts and someday he will open his mouth and say something very profound and thought provoking. I guess I'll keep you posted.
I swing back and forth between being content and being frustrated and wondering if I did something wrong.
We have what you could call a "late talker." Though at 16 months, it's still way too early to be worrying about any kind of disability.
A book Brent got from the library says we should only worry if he doesn't have at least 15 words by 18 months. Our doctor says she won't really worry until 24 months. And my husband was a late talker too (I was an early talker). So chances are he is totally fine and is just content to not talk right now. I will be blown away if he has 15 words by 18 months, because right now he has maybe three words and maybe two signs.
He has said other words, but not consistently Like way back when he was 11 months I swore I heard him say "kitty" and "baby." But then I really haven't heard them since then. It's like he practiced those and now he's done. And although I've been signing my ass off sometimes, he really has only picked up "milk" and "more" and he usually chooses to not use them. Pointing and grunting or screaming or going "muh muh muh muh," is what he does.
His one word right now is, "uh oh." "Mama" has been around for a while, but I really don't hear it that much. "Dada" is a rarity.
It's enough to make a first time parent go mad. We've actually been decently calm about it. It creeps up into my anxiety every once in a while. I'm so happy to hear about ya'll's stories about all the words and signs your toddlers have, but it's shocking to a mother who's son rarely puts a couple letters together. I sometimes think, "what did they do differently?"
I also get shocked when I hear about your little one's teething molars because my son still only has four teeth, but teeth development is a little more blame-proof. I don't think being a better mother pushes those teeth through faster.
Cedric does understand a lot. This is a big reason why our doctor told us that he's totally normal. He follows simple commands. He'll give me a hug when I ask for one, he'll put stuff in the trash when I ask him, he knows to be upset when I tell him "no" or that he "can't have that." He also is starting to get sneaky. He knows that I can only enforce rules when I catch him in the act. He often looks over his shoulder to see if I am watching. He's a smart boy.
What's really crazy is that talking kids actually annoy me a great deal sometimes. There are three little girls who live below us in our duplex and when warm weather comes I can hear them talking. And they say the craziest things, and they are loud, and they sometimes run around repeating things over and over and over and you just want to yell at them to shut up, but you don't because you're an adult who has hopefully learned to act like one.
And I've babysat this one four year old a few times and man... the questions that come out of his mouth are non-stop... and crazy questions that are hard to answer, specific questions that I don't have answers to, and the questions keep coming and you want him to be inquisitive, but instead you're dumbfounded and feel like there should be some manual for answering the types of questions that kids ask. One of the kids that lives below us asked me one day, "what are those." "Groceries," I said, because they were groceries. "What are they for?" Uh.... what do you MEAN what are they for? They are groceries... doesn't the fact that they are groceries answer what they are for? I don't know what you want me to explain! What kind of a question is that? Kids ask weird questions, is what I am saying.
So maybe it is a blessing that he is not yet talking. And the real reason is probably that he takes after his father, who chooses his words carefully and never says anything frivolous. My husband does not waste words goddamnit, each one has a good purpose. It's either something I need to know, something to make me laugh, or something to make me feel good. No meaningless jabber about his day, or at least very little. And I'm the opposite, almost, I will talk and talk and talk and tell him a whole bunch of meaningless things he doesn't really need to know, just to make conversation and entertainment and to process my thoughts. He says he enjoys listening, so we both win.
So perhaps my son is internally processing his thoughts and someday he will open his mouth and say something very profound and thought provoking. I guess I'll keep you posted.
Thursday, October 4, 2012
One Year of Elimination Communication
It was about this time last year that I started EC for real, with my then 4 month old son. I caught a pee ater a nap one day and there it began. A few months later I was regularly catching all the night time pees, and many of the day time pees and sometimes a poop. I could pee him in a public restroom, or outside. I peed him in a parking lot on vacation. Things were going great. He still wore diapers most of the time, but we used less of them and we thought we were on our way to diaper freedom. At this time, however, I was doing most of the peeing and my husband rarely got our son to pee in a potty.
Then around 9 or 10 months it all changed and my son suddenly HATED the potty. Hated it SO much. I tried using different potties, different positions, tried the sink, tried it outside, tried everything. Nope, he was having none of it. By 12 months old we caught about one pee a week, on a good week. It was tough. At the same time, the once easy diaper changes also became horrible for him. So not only was pottying super hard, diaper changes were super hard. And my once, dry-through-the-night boy, stated wetting the bed.
I gave up and put him in disposables during the night, which he would soak by morning. But I didn't give up entirely. I still kept him in cloth diapers during the day and changed them as soon as he wet them. And I didn't give p on the potty, but would only try the potty once in the morning. I figured that as soon as he started going in the potty once a day, I could expand it more. I also feared that it was all over and that we'd have him in diapers for years.
But then it changed again, around 14 months when he learned how to walk well, he suddenly didn't mind the potty so much. I did a couple days of naked time and quickly brought him to the potty when he started to pee. This got him back on track to using the potty. We started catching the morning pees, and when I say "we," I really mean that both me and my husband could do it. Shortly after this we started catching the after nap pee too. And he started staying dry through the night again, so we gave up the night time disposable.
He's now 16 months old and although I've tried to catch other pees at different times and even tried catching poops when I suspect they are on their way, I have been unsuccessful. For now I am content to catch two pees a day and continue to change his cloth diapers as soon as they are wet.
At the time, I was so confused as to what was going on, but looking back this long potty pause was a developmental potty pause for learning to walk. He was starting to stand a little at 10 months and took his first steps at 12 months and perfected walking a little after 14 months. This was exactly when the potty pause began and ended. It was a long one and one we haven't quite recovered from.
We've also come to learn that our son is a very determined and persistent boy with lots of energy. He was a relatively easy younger baby, but has grown into a young boy with a more challenging temperament. I feel like I'm waiting for a window of opportunity to put it all together and throw the diapers out (or into basement storage). EC definitely did not go as expected, but we still benefited from it greatly.
Our son had diaper rash ONE time, when he was 3 months old, before we even started EC. This was when he got his first cold and had diarrhea with it. That was it, no more rash, ever. If you want to prevent diaper rash, use cloth and change them as soon as they are wet and let that butt get some air sometimes too. EC takes care of all of this. Diaper rash is not inevitable.
We also are very aware of our son's elimination patterns because we check him often and have looked for the signs for so long. I sometimes know when he is peeing, but not enough in advance to get him to the potty. We learned very early on that he doesn't pee while asleep. Hint, most babies do NOT pee while asleep, they wake up to pee, which can often explain some of the night wakings when they are young. We were ahead of the game by bringing him to a potty when he woke up. Co-sleeping helped a lot. Ironically I believe that co-sleeping has led to less wet beds over all because of my awareness of his need to pee. I would not have been aware of this need had he been apart from me. The handful of times he's gotten our bed wet I bet in no way amounts to the typical amount of crib sheet soakings.
It's also been a great comfort to me, who is a pretty anxious mother, because I know I'm keeping him as comfortable as a can and trying my best to address his need to pee and poop. Our son as not very troubled by peeing or pooping on him self, but some babies are sensitive to it. If you have a fussy baby and don't know why they are fussing, you should think about whether they might need to pee. It's entirely possible that you have a baby that doesn't like to go in a diaper and then you can be one of those lucky ones who are diaper free much earlier than the rest.
So, I'll keep you posted on our quest to end diaper use. My hope is by the end of the year, but part of me thinks it will take a few more months past then. If we've made little progress by 20 months I'm going to invest in a copy of Oh Crap Potty Training, which I've heard great things about. You can find it at http://www.jamieglowacki.com/
Then around 9 or 10 months it all changed and my son suddenly HATED the potty. Hated it SO much. I tried using different potties, different positions, tried the sink, tried it outside, tried everything. Nope, he was having none of it. By 12 months old we caught about one pee a week, on a good week. It was tough. At the same time, the once easy diaper changes also became horrible for him. So not only was pottying super hard, diaper changes were super hard. And my once, dry-through-the-night boy, stated wetting the bed.
I gave up and put him in disposables during the night, which he would soak by morning. But I didn't give up entirely. I still kept him in cloth diapers during the day and changed them as soon as he wet them. And I didn't give p on the potty, but would only try the potty once in the morning. I figured that as soon as he started going in the potty once a day, I could expand it more. I also feared that it was all over and that we'd have him in diapers for years.
But then it changed again, around 14 months when he learned how to walk well, he suddenly didn't mind the potty so much. I did a couple days of naked time and quickly brought him to the potty when he started to pee. This got him back on track to using the potty. We started catching the morning pees, and when I say "we," I really mean that both me and my husband could do it. Shortly after this we started catching the after nap pee too. And he started staying dry through the night again, so we gave up the night time disposable.
He's now 16 months old and although I've tried to catch other pees at different times and even tried catching poops when I suspect they are on their way, I have been unsuccessful. For now I am content to catch two pees a day and continue to change his cloth diapers as soon as they are wet.
At the time, I was so confused as to what was going on, but looking back this long potty pause was a developmental potty pause for learning to walk. He was starting to stand a little at 10 months and took his first steps at 12 months and perfected walking a little after 14 months. This was exactly when the potty pause began and ended. It was a long one and one we haven't quite recovered from.
We've also come to learn that our son is a very determined and persistent boy with lots of energy. He was a relatively easy younger baby, but has grown into a young boy with a more challenging temperament. I feel like I'm waiting for a window of opportunity to put it all together and throw the diapers out (or into basement storage). EC definitely did not go as expected, but we still benefited from it greatly.
Our son had diaper rash ONE time, when he was 3 months old, before we even started EC. This was when he got his first cold and had diarrhea with it. That was it, no more rash, ever. If you want to prevent diaper rash, use cloth and change them as soon as they are wet and let that butt get some air sometimes too. EC takes care of all of this. Diaper rash is not inevitable.
We also are very aware of our son's elimination patterns because we check him often and have looked for the signs for so long. I sometimes know when he is peeing, but not enough in advance to get him to the potty. We learned very early on that he doesn't pee while asleep. Hint, most babies do NOT pee while asleep, they wake up to pee, which can often explain some of the night wakings when they are young. We were ahead of the game by bringing him to a potty when he woke up. Co-sleeping helped a lot. Ironically I believe that co-sleeping has led to less wet beds over all because of my awareness of his need to pee. I would not have been aware of this need had he been apart from me. The handful of times he's gotten our bed wet I bet in no way amounts to the typical amount of crib sheet soakings.
It's also been a great comfort to me, who is a pretty anxious mother, because I know I'm keeping him as comfortable as a can and trying my best to address his need to pee and poop. Our son as not very troubled by peeing or pooping on him self, but some babies are sensitive to it. If you have a fussy baby and don't know why they are fussing, you should think about whether they might need to pee. It's entirely possible that you have a baby that doesn't like to go in a diaper and then you can be one of those lucky ones who are diaper free much earlier than the rest.
So, I'll keep you posted on our quest to end diaper use. My hope is by the end of the year, but part of me thinks it will take a few more months past then. If we've made little progress by 20 months I'm going to invest in a copy of Oh Crap Potty Training, which I've heard great things about. You can find it at http://www.jamieglowacki.com/
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Why Does Dilation Hurt So Frickin' Much?
I was reminded about this when someone on facebook asked me to give a good example of UNintellegent design. So of course I immediately thought of childbirth. Firstly humans are born like 9 months premature because "someone" couldn't design our hips to be big enough to fit our massive brains out before they are really done cooking. But I've heard that this might be the very reason that fathers are involved in caring for children and might be the whole basis for the reason we humans tend to partner up and be social creatures in general, so maybe it has it's advantages.
I think the worst design flaw of my body I have come across so far is the fact that the cervix hurts like hell and takes a long time (usually, especially the first time) to fully dilate for birth. Come on, flying spaghetti monster or whoever you are, what gives?
When I imagined birth long before I had much knowledge of birth, I imagined that the part that hurt the most was pushing the baby out of a little 10 cm in diameter orifice. I was so wrong. Pushing doesn't hurt. Or I should say that pushing hurts SO much less than the dilation of the cervix, that you barely notice the hurt that pushing produces (at least on average, I've heard stories of women hating pushing; I loved it).
It's not the baby coming out that hurts, it's everything that must happen in order for you to be able to get the baby out that hurts. This is important to remember when you are in actual labor, that pain has a purpose, it's growing a hole big enough for a baby to come through.
I feel that this process could have been designed a little better. Why so much pain? Why does the cervix require such powerful contractions to open? And why for so long? It's takes about a day for those first time moms. A whole day where you basically have to be reminded every few minutes that your cervix is opening... slowly...
It's this pain that causes mothers to need several people there supporting them, usually. It's rare that a women goes off by herself to the woods to labor in solitude. And it is pain you cannot really understand until you've done it and you know it is the most you will ever probably feel. But it doesn't even get the baby out, it just opens up the cervix. After it is done you've still got an average of 2.5 hours of work to do pushing the baby out (but it feels like way less because you are so exhausted you fall asleep in between contractions).
So if you are pregnant and worried about pushing the baby out, don't be. Chances are pushing the baby out will be amazing. Be worried about the dilation of the cervix, because that hurts, especially those last few centimeters, luckily the more it hurts the faster it seems to go. And I have run across no intelligent reason for why yet. Perhaps an evolutionary scientist has studied this phenomenon.
I think the worst design flaw of my body I have come across so far is the fact that the cervix hurts like hell and takes a long time (usually, especially the first time) to fully dilate for birth. Come on, flying spaghetti monster or whoever you are, what gives?
When I imagined birth long before I had much knowledge of birth, I imagined that the part that hurt the most was pushing the baby out of a little 10 cm in diameter orifice. I was so wrong. Pushing doesn't hurt. Or I should say that pushing hurts SO much less than the dilation of the cervix, that you barely notice the hurt that pushing produces (at least on average, I've heard stories of women hating pushing; I loved it).
It's not the baby coming out that hurts, it's everything that must happen in order for you to be able to get the baby out that hurts. This is important to remember when you are in actual labor, that pain has a purpose, it's growing a hole big enough for a baby to come through.
I feel that this process could have been designed a little better. Why so much pain? Why does the cervix require such powerful contractions to open? And why for so long? It's takes about a day for those first time moms. A whole day where you basically have to be reminded every few minutes that your cervix is opening... slowly...
It's this pain that causes mothers to need several people there supporting them, usually. It's rare that a women goes off by herself to the woods to labor in solitude. And it is pain you cannot really understand until you've done it and you know it is the most you will ever probably feel. But it doesn't even get the baby out, it just opens up the cervix. After it is done you've still got an average of 2.5 hours of work to do pushing the baby out (but it feels like way less because you are so exhausted you fall asleep in between contractions).
So if you are pregnant and worried about pushing the baby out, don't be. Chances are pushing the baby out will be amazing. Be worried about the dilation of the cervix, because that hurts, especially those last few centimeters, luckily the more it hurts the faster it seems to go. And I have run across no intelligent reason for why yet. Perhaps an evolutionary scientist has studied this phenomenon.
Friday, September 7, 2012
An Injury to One Is an Injury to Yourself
My husband has been working on the ramp at the airport for 8 1/2 years, he's been in many different positions and recently got a decent promotion. He was also part of several union drives at his work place, the last one which started in early 2010. They really thought this last time was going to be it, it was very demoralizing when it failed.
First let me explain how the ramp works at airports now, at least those served by Delta. Delta basically outsources its ramp work to smaller companies, most of these companies are wholly-owned subsidiaries of Delta. The crew who handles your baggage, cleans your cabin, ensures safety when the plane is parked, and even sometimes the gate agents who get your your ticket and help you board the plane on a Delta flight, aren't technically Delta employees.
This has major advantages for Delta. Most of these subsidiaries aren't unionized, so Delta doesn't have any pesky contracts to deal with. This keeps wages low. But there is another advantage. Let's say a subsidiary has been in place for a while and some of their employees have been there for a while because the economy is bad and they can't find anything better. This subsidiary also happens to have somewhat decent health coverage for their employees and some of them get 4 or 5 weeks of PTO a year because they've earned this seniority privilege.
Suddenly more money is going to the workers of this company instead of into profits. And remember, this is a wholly-owned subsidiary, so Delta is the company who profits. Well it's time to kick that subsidiary out and put in a different one that doesn't spend so much money on labor.
Last time this happened it was more of a take over with the NWA and Delta merger and the employees kept their seniority and wages for the most part.
This time it's working essentially as if these employees are quitting their jobs at one company and starting new at another company. This means seniority will be wiped out and everyone will be starting at the bottom of the wage scale, which for a general ramp worker is $8.25 an hour. And everyone might have to reapply for their job.
They could have done this with a little less douchbaggery, but there is talk that they want to end seniority, but still keep everyone's disciplinary record on hand. The severance is also a crappy $750. Normally severance is 1 weeks pay per year, which would have meant 8 weeks of pay for my husband, instead he'll get a whole $750, which is just barely over one week of pay. ONE week of pay for his 8.5+ years of service, which included two pay cuts.
There are also rumors that the new company has worse health coverage. Health coverage at his current company was one reason my husband stayed at this job so long, it's very cheap for us to cover our whole family on his insurance, dental too. Chances are out of pocket costs will increase.
Ramp workers are important! It might not require a college degree but these people inspect planes to make sure nothing goes in the airplane that might cause the plane to crash, they insure that your luggage gets on the plane and that the plane isn't overloaded, which can also make planes crash. They make sure the plane isn't damaged when it is entering and exiting the ramp. They are also the people who clean the vomit of the guy who was on the plane before you so you don't have to sit in it.
Pay is not well related to work performance, but it is important when you are talking about huge wage and benefit cuts because good workers are going to leave, some have left already. They are making this job not worth it in the long haul, which means good employees, the ones like my husband, who have been around for a while and know what they are doing, are probably going to leave when they can find something better. And they haven't set the bar that high.
For you, the airline consumer, who has to travel by Delta, this means more lost bags, more late departures, less clean planes, and possibly less inspected ramp areas. Basically a worse airplane ride, and all of this while air fares are climbing. You are now paying more and getting less.
This is how capitalism works. This is why unions are so important. This is my concrete example of people hurt by corporate greed. And it is not just us, it is everyone who flies on Delta an probably any other airline. Because they are all competing against each other to out-profit the others, this is what will be happening throughout the industry.
Happy Flying!
First let me explain how the ramp works at airports now, at least those served by Delta. Delta basically outsources its ramp work to smaller companies, most of these companies are wholly-owned subsidiaries of Delta. The crew who handles your baggage, cleans your cabin, ensures safety when the plane is parked, and even sometimes the gate agents who get your your ticket and help you board the plane on a Delta flight, aren't technically Delta employees.
This has major advantages for Delta. Most of these subsidiaries aren't unionized, so Delta doesn't have any pesky contracts to deal with. This keeps wages low. But there is another advantage. Let's say a subsidiary has been in place for a while and some of their employees have been there for a while because the economy is bad and they can't find anything better. This subsidiary also happens to have somewhat decent health coverage for their employees and some of them get 4 or 5 weeks of PTO a year because they've earned this seniority privilege.
Suddenly more money is going to the workers of this company instead of into profits. And remember, this is a wholly-owned subsidiary, so Delta is the company who profits. Well it's time to kick that subsidiary out and put in a different one that doesn't spend so much money on labor.
Last time this happened it was more of a take over with the NWA and Delta merger and the employees kept their seniority and wages for the most part.
This time it's working essentially as if these employees are quitting their jobs at one company and starting new at another company. This means seniority will be wiped out and everyone will be starting at the bottom of the wage scale, which for a general ramp worker is $8.25 an hour. And everyone might have to reapply for their job.
They could have done this with a little less douchbaggery, but there is talk that they want to end seniority, but still keep everyone's disciplinary record on hand. The severance is also a crappy $750. Normally severance is 1 weeks pay per year, which would have meant 8 weeks of pay for my husband, instead he'll get a whole $750, which is just barely over one week of pay. ONE week of pay for his 8.5+ years of service, which included two pay cuts.
There are also rumors that the new company has worse health coverage. Health coverage at his current company was one reason my husband stayed at this job so long, it's very cheap for us to cover our whole family on his insurance, dental too. Chances are out of pocket costs will increase.
Ramp workers are important! It might not require a college degree but these people inspect planes to make sure nothing goes in the airplane that might cause the plane to crash, they insure that your luggage gets on the plane and that the plane isn't overloaded, which can also make planes crash. They make sure the plane isn't damaged when it is entering and exiting the ramp. They are also the people who clean the vomit of the guy who was on the plane before you so you don't have to sit in it.
Pay is not well related to work performance, but it is important when you are talking about huge wage and benefit cuts because good workers are going to leave, some have left already. They are making this job not worth it in the long haul, which means good employees, the ones like my husband, who have been around for a while and know what they are doing, are probably going to leave when they can find something better. And they haven't set the bar that high.
For you, the airline consumer, who has to travel by Delta, this means more lost bags, more late departures, less clean planes, and possibly less inspected ramp areas. Basically a worse airplane ride, and all of this while air fares are climbing. You are now paying more and getting less.
This is how capitalism works. This is why unions are so important. This is my concrete example of people hurt by corporate greed. And it is not just us, it is everyone who flies on Delta an probably any other airline. Because they are all competing against each other to out-profit the others, this is what will be happening throughout the industry.
Happy Flying!
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Breastfeeding, The Best Diet Plan For Me, Not For All
While I was pregnant one of the things people liked to tell me the most was about how much breastfeeding will help me lose the baby weight and how much breastfeeding didn't help them lose any baby weight.
There seem to be two different types of people, those where breastfeeding seems to suck fat right off of them, and those who see no effect at all. Luckily I was one of those people where the fat just seemed to slide off.
I'm now actually twelve pounds below my pre-pregnancy weight. And I gained 55 pounds, so this is quite the accomplishment. Since coming home from the hospital I've lost about 60, and since my 6 week post-partum appointment I've lost about 35. Some of you have been so nice telling me that I gained "just enough weight for me!" No. I gained too much, I was a lazy, hungry, depressed pregnant woman. 55 pounds was too much, but luckily it didn't cause me too much trouble. And I lost it pretty quick.
It took a little more work that just sitting back and feeding my baby though. Breastfeeding makes you HUNGRY! OMG, my appetite is very huge. I believe I now eat more than my husband does during a typical shared meal. Before, I used to try to give him about 50% more food than me because I was trying to lose weight and he was 155 pounds of pure bone and muscle that lifts things for 10 hours a day for a living.
The hunger makes it easy to over-eat. I actually didn't lose any weight from 6 weeks to about 13 weeks post partum, then I really started to exercise, just walking mostly and burned through the rest of the baby weight that way. Nine months on, nine months off almost exactly. Then the weight loss slowed down and I dropped just about a pound a month before my son turned one.
I wanted to lose more, so I started running this June and I've lost another 7 pounds or so since then.
Exercise really has helped me, but I've done the weight loss thing before breastfeeding and I must say that breastfeeding makes it way easier. I may have a slight problem with my weight when my last child finally weans. For now I don't plan on trying to wean Cedric before getting pregnant with the next, so we'll have back to back nurslings.
Also for those of you not in the know, weight loss is safe with breastfeeding, so is exercise and reducing your calories. There's a bad myth still prevalent out there that you can't exercise or try to lose weight while breastfeeding, I'm living proof that it's not true. But do let your body recover from birth first!
There seem to be two different types of people, those where breastfeeding seems to suck fat right off of them, and those who see no effect at all. Luckily I was one of those people where the fat just seemed to slide off.
I'm now actually twelve pounds below my pre-pregnancy weight. And I gained 55 pounds, so this is quite the accomplishment. Since coming home from the hospital I've lost about 60, and since my 6 week post-partum appointment I've lost about 35. Some of you have been so nice telling me that I gained "just enough weight for me!" No. I gained too much, I was a lazy, hungry, depressed pregnant woman. 55 pounds was too much, but luckily it didn't cause me too much trouble. And I lost it pretty quick.
It took a little more work that just sitting back and feeding my baby though. Breastfeeding makes you HUNGRY! OMG, my appetite is very huge. I believe I now eat more than my husband does during a typical shared meal. Before, I used to try to give him about 50% more food than me because I was trying to lose weight and he was 155 pounds of pure bone and muscle that lifts things for 10 hours a day for a living.
The hunger makes it easy to over-eat. I actually didn't lose any weight from 6 weeks to about 13 weeks post partum, then I really started to exercise, just walking mostly and burned through the rest of the baby weight that way. Nine months on, nine months off almost exactly. Then the weight loss slowed down and I dropped just about a pound a month before my son turned one.
I wanted to lose more, so I started running this June and I've lost another 7 pounds or so since then.
Exercise really has helped me, but I've done the weight loss thing before breastfeeding and I must say that breastfeeding makes it way easier. I may have a slight problem with my weight when my last child finally weans. For now I don't plan on trying to wean Cedric before getting pregnant with the next, so we'll have back to back nurslings.
Also for those of you not in the know, weight loss is safe with breastfeeding, so is exercise and reducing your calories. There's a bad myth still prevalent out there that you can't exercise or try to lose weight while breastfeeding, I'm living proof that it's not true. But do let your body recover from birth first!
Thursday, August 16, 2012
2 Years of Marriage (nearly), Taken Up Almost Entirely With Pregnancy and an Infant
Our second anniversary is on the 21st of this month. Our wedding was rated as the funnest wedding my grandmother has ever been to, which I feel I should get some sort of trophy for, because she went to four of her own children's weddings and probably many others, but I at least won the title of "most fun." It ended with us giving away full bottles of wine to the guests who stayed to the bitter end and helped us clean up, so that's a small indication of it's awesomeness. Actually, many people have said what a great night it was, which always makes me feel good because I planned the entire thing myself pretty much, with a little input from my husband to be, but really, it was me.
One thing I do kind of regret is not having an after party, but I was exhausted, we had a (ahem) marriage to consummate and an early plane departure in the morning.
The honeymoon was the best vacation I've ever been on. It was truly a wonderful week.
And then we got pregnant, on purpose! Nothing quite abruptly ends a honeymoon period like the first trimester of pregnancy. Then 9 months and 9 days exactly after our wedding, I gave birth.
14 months into our marriage I quit my job to have more time with my infant. And since then it's been a small roller coaster of financial unknowns and instability, nothing horrible, yet, but not like it was before. Most recently my husband got a very good promotion and a month later found out the company is dissolving in November.
It might seem fast, but we met in 2005, had been dating since 2007 and had been living together since 2008. Meeting to baby took nearly 6 years. Wedding was actually kind of secondary to having babies. We had our children in our vows. Our wedding might as well have been a "we're going to begin to try to conceive" party. This probably sounds like something the right-wing anti-birth control Christians would like, but I think the main point of our marriage was to conclusively commit to each other for the better of the babies we really wanted to have ASAP.
We really wanted kids, really, really. I'm so glad I waited until I did, but I don't think I could have waited even one more month.
Kids strain marriage. If you think it's going to strengthen your marriage, think again. I think in the long run it will have a strengthening effect. When we look back at this period in our lives we will say, "it was hard, but we did it and came out the other end with world's more knowledge and feeling very fulfilled."
Luckily we are very committed to each other and are very in love and even like the other person. Mostly I've learned that you have to let go of a lot. I'm finally feeling better about not doing as much. I just don't have the energy. I say I might go to things and often don't show up. Don't take it personally, I probably really wanted to go and then got home from work and didn't want to leave again. It's a short-term thing, for probably the next 5 to 10 years.
I have to remind myself of that a lot. I will not always have babies. They will always be my babies, but they will grow up.
When Cedric was just a month old, I was over at my aunt and uncle's house and my uncle said, "I remember the newborn stage being the low point. Kids mostly improve with age." And I think he's totally correct. I like 14 month old Cedric more than 9 month old Cedric and 9 month old Cedric was better than 1 month old Cedric. And when I babysit this 4 year old, I'm like, 4-year-olds are super easy! They might talk your ear off, but they use the toilet and dress themselves and don't have to be carried up the stairs and they listen pretty well.
And if you've been awesome enough to raise responsible teens, you can leave them for a week and go on a vacation without them. Oh I hope I'm awesome enough to do that.
I'm guessing we will view these first few years of marriage as not our best, but ones that laid the foundation of resilience and perseverance. We've actually had very few disagreements about the actual parenting we are doing, which is great, we are on the same page.
The baby himself is great, it's everything that comes along with the baby that is stressful. Even the most confident parent can have great feelings of doubt, I believe. The contradictory info is in every parenting topic and you have to make hard decisions, ones that could possibly effect your child, another human being, for the rest of his life. No pressure or anything, just the rest of this child's life is all.
I hear the second one is easier.
One thing I do kind of regret is not having an after party, but I was exhausted, we had a (ahem) marriage to consummate and an early plane departure in the morning.
The honeymoon was the best vacation I've ever been on. It was truly a wonderful week.
And then we got pregnant, on purpose! Nothing quite abruptly ends a honeymoon period like the first trimester of pregnancy. Then 9 months and 9 days exactly after our wedding, I gave birth.
14 months into our marriage I quit my job to have more time with my infant. And since then it's been a small roller coaster of financial unknowns and instability, nothing horrible, yet, but not like it was before. Most recently my husband got a very good promotion and a month later found out the company is dissolving in November.
It might seem fast, but we met in 2005, had been dating since 2007 and had been living together since 2008. Meeting to baby took nearly 6 years. Wedding was actually kind of secondary to having babies. We had our children in our vows. Our wedding might as well have been a "we're going to begin to try to conceive" party. This probably sounds like something the right-wing anti-birth control Christians would like, but I think the main point of our marriage was to conclusively commit to each other for the better of the babies we really wanted to have ASAP.
We really wanted kids, really, really. I'm so glad I waited until I did, but I don't think I could have waited even one more month.
Kids strain marriage. If you think it's going to strengthen your marriage, think again. I think in the long run it will have a strengthening effect. When we look back at this period in our lives we will say, "it was hard, but we did it and came out the other end with world's more knowledge and feeling very fulfilled."
Luckily we are very committed to each other and are very in love and even like the other person. Mostly I've learned that you have to let go of a lot. I'm finally feeling better about not doing as much. I just don't have the energy. I say I might go to things and often don't show up. Don't take it personally, I probably really wanted to go and then got home from work and didn't want to leave again. It's a short-term thing, for probably the next 5 to 10 years.
I have to remind myself of that a lot. I will not always have babies. They will always be my babies, but they will grow up.
When Cedric was just a month old, I was over at my aunt and uncle's house and my uncle said, "I remember the newborn stage being the low point. Kids mostly improve with age." And I think he's totally correct. I like 14 month old Cedric more than 9 month old Cedric and 9 month old Cedric was better than 1 month old Cedric. And when I babysit this 4 year old, I'm like, 4-year-olds are super easy! They might talk your ear off, but they use the toilet and dress themselves and don't have to be carried up the stairs and they listen pretty well.
And if you've been awesome enough to raise responsible teens, you can leave them for a week and go on a vacation without them. Oh I hope I'm awesome enough to do that.
I'm guessing we will view these first few years of marriage as not our best, but ones that laid the foundation of resilience and perseverance. We've actually had very few disagreements about the actual parenting we are doing, which is great, we are on the same page.
The baby himself is great, it's everything that comes along with the baby that is stressful. Even the most confident parent can have great feelings of doubt, I believe. The contradictory info is in every parenting topic and you have to make hard decisions, ones that could possibly effect your child, another human being, for the rest of his life. No pressure or anything, just the rest of this child's life is all.
I hear the second one is easier.
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
The Beginning of the End of Breastfeeding
I have a lot of fears and anxiety. My world is ruled by them way too much. I'm working on dealing with this and think I've done pretty well. I rarely get full blown panic attacks anymore, for instance.
Today I looked deep inside myself and realized I had a big fears about ending breastfeeding. I'm not quitting, but I've come to a point where I really need to start the slow process of scaling back, mostly with pumping. And this is scary.
I breastfeed. It's what I do. It's the main aspect of my mothering. My son nurses a lot and we have this really great breastfeeding relationship and it makes my life really easy. No need to prepare snacks, just get out the boob. I do give my son solids, but when I'm around, breast milk straight from the tap is still a big winner. I'm very proud of what I overcame to acheive this relationship, I didn't overcome a huge amount, but I had struggles and had to learn a lot of new things.
But I don't need to pump every time I'm away from him. I got really freaked out when I ran my first 5K. I freaked out about being able to pump, but you know what? I was totally fine. I did try to pump a little, but got barely anything... and it was OK, he was 13 months old after all. My supply is well established now. It will be fine for me to go a 9 hour work shift without pumping. We can do this.
And I feel panicky, because this is all I know. Or at least it feels this way. My baby is growing up. Actually he's not a baby anymore, he's a walking toddler. I have to trust that he will be fine without breast milk while away from me. I know this sounds silly, but this is actually hard. This pump has been my connection to him while I'm away. It's been annoying sometimes, but mostly awesome.
I am excited too. I'm excited to enter the next phase, to not have to worry about the pump. To see my child move a small step away from me. My husband will like not having to wash the pumping supplies. Before I know it, he'll be eating way more solids and drinking well from a cup and bottles will disappear. So far, this kid has improved with age and gotten easier every month for the most part. I can do a load of laundry without him crying by the door now. We usually just have one wake up for a minute at night. And I feel ease instead of anxiety when I leave him with a sitter.
I was out of my mind a year ago and now I feel like I'm finding sanity with motherhood. Everything is moving along well. I can do this. This is a small step along the path to eventual weaning, I don't know exactly how it will go, but every child weans eventually. My goal is still 24 months and then we'll see.
And here we go... starting to wean off the pump.
Today I looked deep inside myself and realized I had a big fears about ending breastfeeding. I'm not quitting, but I've come to a point where I really need to start the slow process of scaling back, mostly with pumping. And this is scary.
I breastfeed. It's what I do. It's the main aspect of my mothering. My son nurses a lot and we have this really great breastfeeding relationship and it makes my life really easy. No need to prepare snacks, just get out the boob. I do give my son solids, but when I'm around, breast milk straight from the tap is still a big winner. I'm very proud of what I overcame to acheive this relationship, I didn't overcome a huge amount, but I had struggles and had to learn a lot of new things.
But I don't need to pump every time I'm away from him. I got really freaked out when I ran my first 5K. I freaked out about being able to pump, but you know what? I was totally fine. I did try to pump a little, but got barely anything... and it was OK, he was 13 months old after all. My supply is well established now. It will be fine for me to go a 9 hour work shift without pumping. We can do this.
And I feel panicky, because this is all I know. Or at least it feels this way. My baby is growing up. Actually he's not a baby anymore, he's a walking toddler. I have to trust that he will be fine without breast milk while away from me. I know this sounds silly, but this is actually hard. This pump has been my connection to him while I'm away. It's been annoying sometimes, but mostly awesome.
I am excited too. I'm excited to enter the next phase, to not have to worry about the pump. To see my child move a small step away from me. My husband will like not having to wash the pumping supplies. Before I know it, he'll be eating way more solids and drinking well from a cup and bottles will disappear. So far, this kid has improved with age and gotten easier every month for the most part. I can do a load of laundry without him crying by the door now. We usually just have one wake up for a minute at night. And I feel ease instead of anxiety when I leave him with a sitter.
I was out of my mind a year ago and now I feel like I'm finding sanity with motherhood. Everything is moving along well. I can do this. This is a small step along the path to eventual weaning, I don't know exactly how it will go, but every child weans eventually. My goal is still 24 months and then we'll see.
And here we go... starting to wean off the pump.
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
In The Trenches
If you haven't heard much from me, it's because I'm deep in the trenches of life trying to find my way and pay all the bills and maybe, just maybe, save a little money for something later.
I suspect a lot of Americans are deep in the trenches of their lives and I could go on and on about the harsh realities of the American working class and how we don't get paid what we are worth and how there is no job security or health care security and how messed up the system is. But instead I'll just talk about what we are doing and the good things we have going for ourselves and the bad things we are overcoming.
Good things:
-Both of us have jobs, and that's about it. We have some income and are at a low risk of being fired or laid off right now.
-For some reason Brent's job gives out decent health insurance. Not really good, but good enough that we wouldn't totally be completely ruined if something major happened, just mostly ruined.
-Only one of us has student loan debt. Somehow Brent escaped student loan debt, but this might be why he only has an associates degree.
-We have no credit card debt. Woo.
-We both have excellent credit. Somehow we've not been ruined by financial catastrophes yet, this means low interest rates on credit cards and the ability to buy our house.
-Our car is paid off.
-We've been able to avoid daycare costs mostly.
Bad things:
-We both have kind of shitty jobs with low pay, not low enough to quit, but low enough to feel taken advantage of.
-Heath care bills are still annoying. $25 every time you go in is hard, and the nerve damage in my leg is getting worse and I ought to have it looked at and Brent's blood pressure is often high but who has the time to see a doctor... I guess we'll go next month.
-Neither of us are using our college education, both our jobs require a high school diploma, and trust me, we've looked for alternatives.
-I don't know how people get by without credit cards, we wouldn't be able to buy much without them, we need to be able to put off paying for stuff for a few weeks to make sure we have enough in the bank. Luckily we've always been able to pay it off in full for the last two years.
-We wouldn't be able to afford our house without the renters. If they leave and we can't get anyone else in there or they stop paying, we are screwed in a few months.
-We really can't afford a second car, but would get a cheap one if Brent needed it for a new job or something.
-I fear we'll let almost anyone watch our kid at the odd hours we need childcare. It's a total pipe dream if you think you can really sit down and hand select the best care for your kid. Luckily so far, it's been fine.
And sometimes I fear that this is how it will be for the rest of my days, just trying to slowly get slightly ahead only to have something happen to be back at square one again. But we won't always have small children and maybe just maybe someday we will have decent jobs or even slightly better jobs.
We have dreams, we have desires. But for now we are only working on the sub floor of the foundation; deep in the dirt of those dreams. And some days I think that the reality is that this is where we will be stuck. Trust me, we are working hard. Hard work only pays off so well.
I suspect a lot of Americans are deep in the trenches of their lives and I could go on and on about the harsh realities of the American working class and how we don't get paid what we are worth and how there is no job security or health care security and how messed up the system is. But instead I'll just talk about what we are doing and the good things we have going for ourselves and the bad things we are overcoming.
Good things:
-Both of us have jobs, and that's about it. We have some income and are at a low risk of being fired or laid off right now.
-For some reason Brent's job gives out decent health insurance. Not really good, but good enough that we wouldn't totally be completely ruined if something major happened, just mostly ruined.
-Only one of us has student loan debt. Somehow Brent escaped student loan debt, but this might be why he only has an associates degree.
-We have no credit card debt. Woo.
-We both have excellent credit. Somehow we've not been ruined by financial catastrophes yet, this means low interest rates on credit cards and the ability to buy our house.
-Our car is paid off.
-We've been able to avoid daycare costs mostly.
Bad things:
-We both have kind of shitty jobs with low pay, not low enough to quit, but low enough to feel taken advantage of.
-Heath care bills are still annoying. $25 every time you go in is hard, and the nerve damage in my leg is getting worse and I ought to have it looked at and Brent's blood pressure is often high but who has the time to see a doctor... I guess we'll go next month.
-Neither of us are using our college education, both our jobs require a high school diploma, and trust me, we've looked for alternatives.
-I don't know how people get by without credit cards, we wouldn't be able to buy much without them, we need to be able to put off paying for stuff for a few weeks to make sure we have enough in the bank. Luckily we've always been able to pay it off in full for the last two years.
-We wouldn't be able to afford our house without the renters. If they leave and we can't get anyone else in there or they stop paying, we are screwed in a few months.
-We really can't afford a second car, but would get a cheap one if Brent needed it for a new job or something.
-I fear we'll let almost anyone watch our kid at the odd hours we need childcare. It's a total pipe dream if you think you can really sit down and hand select the best care for your kid. Luckily so far, it's been fine.
And sometimes I fear that this is how it will be for the rest of my days, just trying to slowly get slightly ahead only to have something happen to be back at square one again. But we won't always have small children and maybe just maybe someday we will have decent jobs or even slightly better jobs.
We have dreams, we have desires. But for now we are only working on the sub floor of the foundation; deep in the dirt of those dreams. And some days I think that the reality is that this is where we will be stuck. Trust me, we are working hard. Hard work only pays off so well.
Monday, June 4, 2012
One Whole Year of Breastfeeding
Long before I got pregnant I read that the CDC recommended 2 years of breastfeeding as a minimum. It seemed to be a very legit source, so I declared then that I would breastfeed each of my kids for at least two years. Then I heard a bunch of breastfeeding horror stories, stuff I had never heard of before. I was so naive about how much people have to struggle sometimes to breastfeed and how so many things in our society undermine a women's ability to breastfeed. And I was freaked out all during my pregnancy about it and my ability to do it. Luckily I had good support for it and I remember the first time he latched on to me, probably less than a handful of minutes after his birth and the first thought that went to my head was, "I'm doing it! I'm really doing it right now!" I had been dreaming of breastfeeding for years and I was now actually doing it. It was amazing and luckily we were both able to keep it up with just a few bumps in the road.
My son is now one year and five days old, which means for the last 5 days I have been an extended breast feeder. I personally don't really like the term. I mean the CDC tells us to breastfeed for two years, so shouldn't anything past two years really be the start of anything we should call extended breastfeeding?
I believe this next year will be when a different sort of struggle will begin. This last year I have proved that I don't have supply issues, or any allergy issues or really any issues with the whole function of my breasts. But now I am nursing a toddler. Nursing a toddler a lot. There isn't much difference in the amount he is getting from me now that he is a year old. And the nutritional benefits are still the same, in fact they can be even better now in toddlerhood.
But the info that most people get about nursing past a year is just awful. And so few people do it. I was almost in a minority at six months, now I'm in a super minority. If I make it to two years, I'll be in an even smaller minority.
The fact is that breast milk is a super food. If you have a doctor that tells you anything else, he doesn't support breastfeeding. The only nutrient it doesn't give you enough of is vitamin D. And that's because we all just don't spend as much time in the sun as our ancestors did. But there are some excellent vitamin D supplements. An adult, if they could get a hold of enough breast milk, could survive on breast milk alone. I'm not recommending it, but it would be possible.
There have definitely been times when I've been annoyed while breastfeeding, but my thought has always been, "what would the alternative be?" And the alternative, when I think of it, is always harder and more frustrating. Denying a nursing session to my son means I would need to give him something else. Before a year, the only other option, really, is formula, which needs to be bought, and mixed, and then a bottle needs to be washed, and then there is eventually trash to throw out. Much harder than nursing my son, even if he is kicking me or pulling my hair.
Now that he's a year, I could give him whole cow's milk, but again, this means buying the milk, filling up a container, possibly warming it up, making sure he finishes it before it would go bad, or dumping out what he doesn't drink so he doesn't accidentally drink spoiled milk, washing the container, and eventually throwing out the milk container. Way harder than nursing him. I could also try to increase his solid food intake and give him water, but this again might possible mean spoon-feeding him, which I have zero desire to do, not to mention the clean up.
Also he would lose the awesome anti-bodies and easy to digest properties of breast milk. Meaning I might have to deal with a sick baby or a constipated baby. Which means I might have to go to the doctor and buy medicine or prune juice or miss work to take care of him more often.
So really, no matter how hard or annoying breastfeeding has ever gotten, it doesn't compare to the annoyingness and difficulty of not breastfeeding. Because you can't NOT feed your kid. Even if he's pulling on my glasses or biting or taking little sips and being very distracted, breastfeeding at this point really is just taking out my breast and putting the baby near it. No cleaning up, no prep. Pumping adds a few more steps, but dealing with pumped breast milk is usally easier than formula and maybe a little harder than cow's milk, but it's nutritionally superior, so I think it's worth pumping even after a year.
But still, I have some anxiety about it, because it just isn't done very often in the US. I still plan on nursing in public and feeding mostly on demand. And breastfeeding has helped tremendously with my weight loss, I have little desire to reduce the number of feedings. I haven't gotten any negative comments about nursing yet, just a couple weird looks. But mostly it has all been positive when people notice me nursing my baby. I have fears that this won't be the case when I'm nursing my one year old and possibly my two year old.
But I am strong and very stubborn, so I think even if I do get some negativity, I will power through. No amount of pressure will cause me to stuff my baby full of solids and/or cow's milk. I hope.
So here we go, embarking on the next year, possibly the last year of breastfeeding Cedric. I'm leaving it up in the air after he turns two. If I want to wean, then I will, if I don't want to wean, then I won't. Possibly a future pregnancy will decide this all for us. Though I've heard stories of people nursing all the way through pregnancy (supply usually dries up at 15 weeks or so).
Wish me luck, if I make it, I will be one of the few with a nursing two-year-old.
My son is now one year and five days old, which means for the last 5 days I have been an extended breast feeder. I personally don't really like the term. I mean the CDC tells us to breastfeed for two years, so shouldn't anything past two years really be the start of anything we should call extended breastfeeding?
I believe this next year will be when a different sort of struggle will begin. This last year I have proved that I don't have supply issues, or any allergy issues or really any issues with the whole function of my breasts. But now I am nursing a toddler. Nursing a toddler a lot. There isn't much difference in the amount he is getting from me now that he is a year old. And the nutritional benefits are still the same, in fact they can be even better now in toddlerhood.
But the info that most people get about nursing past a year is just awful. And so few people do it. I was almost in a minority at six months, now I'm in a super minority. If I make it to two years, I'll be in an even smaller minority.
The fact is that breast milk is a super food. If you have a doctor that tells you anything else, he doesn't support breastfeeding. The only nutrient it doesn't give you enough of is vitamin D. And that's because we all just don't spend as much time in the sun as our ancestors did. But there are some excellent vitamin D supplements. An adult, if they could get a hold of enough breast milk, could survive on breast milk alone. I'm not recommending it, but it would be possible.
There have definitely been times when I've been annoyed while breastfeeding, but my thought has always been, "what would the alternative be?" And the alternative, when I think of it, is always harder and more frustrating. Denying a nursing session to my son means I would need to give him something else. Before a year, the only other option, really, is formula, which needs to be bought, and mixed, and then a bottle needs to be washed, and then there is eventually trash to throw out. Much harder than nursing my son, even if he is kicking me or pulling my hair.
Now that he's a year, I could give him whole cow's milk, but again, this means buying the milk, filling up a container, possibly warming it up, making sure he finishes it before it would go bad, or dumping out what he doesn't drink so he doesn't accidentally drink spoiled milk, washing the container, and eventually throwing out the milk container. Way harder than nursing him. I could also try to increase his solid food intake and give him water, but this again might possible mean spoon-feeding him, which I have zero desire to do, not to mention the clean up.
Also he would lose the awesome anti-bodies and easy to digest properties of breast milk. Meaning I might have to deal with a sick baby or a constipated baby. Which means I might have to go to the doctor and buy medicine or prune juice or miss work to take care of him more often.
So really, no matter how hard or annoying breastfeeding has ever gotten, it doesn't compare to the annoyingness and difficulty of not breastfeeding. Because you can't NOT feed your kid. Even if he's pulling on my glasses or biting or taking little sips and being very distracted, breastfeeding at this point really is just taking out my breast and putting the baby near it. No cleaning up, no prep. Pumping adds a few more steps, but dealing with pumped breast milk is usally easier than formula and maybe a little harder than cow's milk, but it's nutritionally superior, so I think it's worth pumping even after a year.
But still, I have some anxiety about it, because it just isn't done very often in the US. I still plan on nursing in public and feeding mostly on demand. And breastfeeding has helped tremendously with my weight loss, I have little desire to reduce the number of feedings. I haven't gotten any negative comments about nursing yet, just a couple weird looks. But mostly it has all been positive when people notice me nursing my baby. I have fears that this won't be the case when I'm nursing my one year old and possibly my two year old.
But I am strong and very stubborn, so I think even if I do get some negativity, I will power through. No amount of pressure will cause me to stuff my baby full of solids and/or cow's milk. I hope.
So here we go, embarking on the next year, possibly the last year of breastfeeding Cedric. I'm leaving it up in the air after he turns two. If I want to wean, then I will, if I don't want to wean, then I won't. Possibly a future pregnancy will decide this all for us. Though I've heard stories of people nursing all the way through pregnancy (supply usually dries up at 15 weeks or so).
Wish me luck, if I make it, I will be one of the few with a nursing two-year-old.
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
One Year of Being a Mom
Oh my goodness my son turned one today! What a year it has been. Some of the most depressing, most anxious, most horrible times in my life happened in this last year. Also the most wonderful and joyous things have happened too. I truly love being a mother, all the bad stuff was worth it. I am really a changed person. I've had to prioritize a lot of stuff and have had to let a lot of things go, some that were really hard to let go of.
I think Brent and I have done a really good job. Our baby boy is flourishing. He's happy and growing, and very attached to both of us. We've really gotten into a harmony of being with him and having him in our lives, I don't feel like life could go on with out him. It was a huge adjustment, but we figured it out.
I have come to realize that we are way more relaxed than average. It took me a while to get relaxed, at first I was very anxious, but now we sit back and give him a lot of autonomy. We aren't hoverers and you won't ever find us disinfecting things. We let him learn by falling if he needs to and we've decided that we are pro-dirt and germs for the most part. He's been very healthy too. While I've never been sicker. He's had one fever, a half a dozen colds, one 12 hour period of vomiting and one short, mild bout of diarrhea from his first cold (too much mucus in the system we were told). He's also only had diaper rash once (during the diarrhea) thanks to our cloth diapering and elimination communication. No ear infections or anything else.
He started signing for milk, the one sign I've been doing consistently, which makes me wish I had done other signs consistently. It's quite amazing to have a little 12 month old telling you exactly what he wants.
I am now officially an extended breast-feeder, which is good because he still gets the majority of his calories from breast milk. I plan to continue for at least another year. He's never had a single sip of formula nor a single mouthful of pureed baby food. It's a total time saver, I don't yet have to think about his food at all. He has my breasts and bits of whatever we are eating and it's working great. Baby food is such a scam, I'm glad I avoided it. I have total faith that his eating skills will get better over the next year to the point where he's eating much more solids than he is now. Food is a non-issue and I plan on keeping it that way.
I've also discovered that co-sleeping makes traveling a breeze too. We don't have to pack a crib! And he's big enough now that he can actually climb out of hotel beds on his own pretty well. One queen or king sized bed is all we need for now. It's like the world was made for us.
Elimination communication has been mostly derailed for now, we have hit a major potty pause. We caught one pee on our week vacation and just today he peed on to the floor right after getting off the potty. I'm going to try to just do morning pees and after nap pees for now and just not stress. Again, I want potty to be a non-issue, just like food and sleep. He will eat when he needs to and sleep when he needs to. I barely can think about scheduling my own life, I can't imagine trying to schedule his. It means I sometimes have to wake him up from a nap to bring him places, but it all works out.
My only piece of advice to anyone wanting to have kids is that, for god sake, have kids with someone who is awesome. I can't imagine how hard this would all have been without my amazing husband. Children strain marriages because they change them fundamentally. We are not the couple we were before we had Cedric. In some ways it's better in some ways it's worse. We have less time for each other and there simply isn't anything to be done about it, it's just how it is, we'll have more time later. We got through this, so I think we can get through anything. Brent is an amazing father, I only hope he feels the same way about me.
Happy birthday to my son, who gave me the best job in the world.
I think Brent and I have done a really good job. Our baby boy is flourishing. He's happy and growing, and very attached to both of us. We've really gotten into a harmony of being with him and having him in our lives, I don't feel like life could go on with out him. It was a huge adjustment, but we figured it out.
I have come to realize that we are way more relaxed than average. It took me a while to get relaxed, at first I was very anxious, but now we sit back and give him a lot of autonomy. We aren't hoverers and you won't ever find us disinfecting things. We let him learn by falling if he needs to and we've decided that we are pro-dirt and germs for the most part. He's been very healthy too. While I've never been sicker. He's had one fever, a half a dozen colds, one 12 hour period of vomiting and one short, mild bout of diarrhea from his first cold (too much mucus in the system we were told). He's also only had diaper rash once (during the diarrhea) thanks to our cloth diapering and elimination communication. No ear infections or anything else.
He started signing for milk, the one sign I've been doing consistently, which makes me wish I had done other signs consistently. It's quite amazing to have a little 12 month old telling you exactly what he wants.
I am now officially an extended breast-feeder, which is good because he still gets the majority of his calories from breast milk. I plan to continue for at least another year. He's never had a single sip of formula nor a single mouthful of pureed baby food. It's a total time saver, I don't yet have to think about his food at all. He has my breasts and bits of whatever we are eating and it's working great. Baby food is such a scam, I'm glad I avoided it. I have total faith that his eating skills will get better over the next year to the point where he's eating much more solids than he is now. Food is a non-issue and I plan on keeping it that way.
I've also discovered that co-sleeping makes traveling a breeze too. We don't have to pack a crib! And he's big enough now that he can actually climb out of hotel beds on his own pretty well. One queen or king sized bed is all we need for now. It's like the world was made for us.
Elimination communication has been mostly derailed for now, we have hit a major potty pause. We caught one pee on our week vacation and just today he peed on to the floor right after getting off the potty. I'm going to try to just do morning pees and after nap pees for now and just not stress. Again, I want potty to be a non-issue, just like food and sleep. He will eat when he needs to and sleep when he needs to. I barely can think about scheduling my own life, I can't imagine trying to schedule his. It means I sometimes have to wake him up from a nap to bring him places, but it all works out.
My only piece of advice to anyone wanting to have kids is that, for god sake, have kids with someone who is awesome. I can't imagine how hard this would all have been without my amazing husband. Children strain marriages because they change them fundamentally. We are not the couple we were before we had Cedric. In some ways it's better in some ways it's worse. We have less time for each other and there simply isn't anything to be done about it, it's just how it is, we'll have more time later. We got through this, so I think we can get through anything. Brent is an amazing father, I only hope he feels the same way about me.
Happy birthday to my son, who gave me the best job in the world.
Friday, May 18, 2012
Balance is Bullsh*t, Hard Decisions are Reality
This has taken me a while to realize. And I'm sick of one word right now, "Balance." More and more people are saying this word. Things like, "it's all about balance." When referring to life with kids. I think I've figured it out and it's not about balance. Balance is a fallacy. You can't have it all. Something will always suffer or get put on the back burner. And this is the reality with all of life. Not just for those of us with kids. Stop trying to "balance" you life. Accept that things will get neglected.
Life is full of tough decisions and some of the toughest happen when we have kids. My biggest first tough decision was with my work. I gave up my decently paying job when Cedric was 5 months old because I wanted more time with him. This was not an easy decision. I cried a lot about this decision. I also both regretted it and was happy about it. It meant that we really didn't have enough money. I had to live with the consequences of my decision, both the good ones and the bad ones. I now believe that every decision has both good and bad consequences. There aren't "good" decisions and "bad" decisions, there are only decisions. Of course finding out good info can help you, but there is always a negative to anything you do, especially in the big decisions. And there is always a choice.
There just aren't enough hours in the day to do everything we want to do.
Right now, my political work is next to nothing. Something that was important to me before I got pregnant. Politics are still important to me, but my priorities have changed and I simply cannot devote much time to socialism. It sucks. It wasn't easy to decide to not do a lot. It doesn't just mean a slightly weaker movement, it means my relationship with my comrades has declined. I'm not as close to them as I would like to be. Political work is not in a balance, it's been thrown off the scale, into the dirt. If we lived in a society that did more shared child care, maybe this would be different.
I remember when I was actively trying to lose weight. I remember how much time and effort it seemed to take. I realized that I would really have to make weight loss a priority and let other things go if I was going to lose the weight I wanted. A tough decision. Planning to eat healthy food and get in some exercise takes a lot of time.
Right now I'm choosing to write this blog entry while my son plays by himself on the floor and my husband mows the lawn. He's playing with our shoes, luckily he's not putting too much stuff in his mouth these days. I'm letting that go, he can't destroy our shoes and I'm OK with him getting some dirt into him. I find I let a lot of things go with our son. I keep him away from dangerous things, but just don't have the energy to worry about little things.
So lets all give each other a break. First let's realize we all have options. There is always a choice. There are always positives and negatives to that choice. And we will always regret some of the choices we make, sometimes while simultaneously enjoying the same choice. I'm all for parents staying home with their kids, I see this as an ideal, but I know how tough of a decision that is to make, you can't somehow balance it and make more money appear. You can't advance your career while also spending lots of quality time with your kids, sorry, you have to choose and only you can choose it, and it will be a hard choice to make, one you will probably question frequently. And no one can tell you which choice is best for you. You will NOT find a balance, give it up.
Life is full of tough decisions and some of the toughest happen when we have kids. My biggest first tough decision was with my work. I gave up my decently paying job when Cedric was 5 months old because I wanted more time with him. This was not an easy decision. I cried a lot about this decision. I also both regretted it and was happy about it. It meant that we really didn't have enough money. I had to live with the consequences of my decision, both the good ones and the bad ones. I now believe that every decision has both good and bad consequences. There aren't "good" decisions and "bad" decisions, there are only decisions. Of course finding out good info can help you, but there is always a negative to anything you do, especially in the big decisions. And there is always a choice.
There just aren't enough hours in the day to do everything we want to do.
Right now, my political work is next to nothing. Something that was important to me before I got pregnant. Politics are still important to me, but my priorities have changed and I simply cannot devote much time to socialism. It sucks. It wasn't easy to decide to not do a lot. It doesn't just mean a slightly weaker movement, it means my relationship with my comrades has declined. I'm not as close to them as I would like to be. Political work is not in a balance, it's been thrown off the scale, into the dirt. If we lived in a society that did more shared child care, maybe this would be different.
I remember when I was actively trying to lose weight. I remember how much time and effort it seemed to take. I realized that I would really have to make weight loss a priority and let other things go if I was going to lose the weight I wanted. A tough decision. Planning to eat healthy food and get in some exercise takes a lot of time.
Right now I'm choosing to write this blog entry while my son plays by himself on the floor and my husband mows the lawn. He's playing with our shoes, luckily he's not putting too much stuff in his mouth these days. I'm letting that go, he can't destroy our shoes and I'm OK with him getting some dirt into him. I find I let a lot of things go with our son. I keep him away from dangerous things, but just don't have the energy to worry about little things.
So lets all give each other a break. First let's realize we all have options. There is always a choice. There are always positives and negatives to that choice. And we will always regret some of the choices we make, sometimes while simultaneously enjoying the same choice. I'm all for parents staying home with their kids, I see this as an ideal, but I know how tough of a decision that is to make, you can't somehow balance it and make more money appear. You can't advance your career while also spending lots of quality time with your kids, sorry, you have to choose and only you can choose it, and it will be a hard choice to make, one you will probably question frequently. And no one can tell you which choice is best for you. You will NOT find a balance, give it up.
Thursday, May 10, 2012
AP Parents are Normal Parents
OK. I gotta jump on the band wagon and blog about the TIME cover featuring a mother breastfeeding her three-year-old with the title, "Are You Mom Enough?" Why attachment parenting drives some mothers to extremes."
Awesome that she is breastfeeding a three-year-old, contrary to popular belief, this is actually not an extreme. You know what else isn't an extreme? Attachment parenting. If anything, it's for lazy people.
I've been hanging out with one group of local attachment parents at Powderhorn Park almost every Thursday for about 6 months. I'm still a newbie, but I've learned some things about these parents. I can only speak for the group I am involved with, but probably about a dozen regular parents show up most weeks. "Extreme" is not what they are about.
We have some things in common, most of us are white, most of us are married or partnered, most of us don't have regular day jobs (hence we can show up to a play group on Thursday afternoon), and most of us have at least one kid under five.
If you are picturing some kind of Attachment Parenting cult or exclusive club, where members are kicked out for using a crib, this is not the place. We lean more in one direction, for instance, most of us breastfeed or have breast-fed our kids. Most of us do at least some co-sleeping, or did. Most of us, if pregnant, are trying to go for a natural birth. Most of us at least own some kind of baby wearing sling or wrap or other carrier.
What I've found is a group of very relaxed parents. And a group of very attached, happy-looking kids. There is very little yelling, no punishments, no power struggles, no bribery. And the kids are also not yelling much or throwing tantrums, or running away from their parents, or hitting their parents or other kids. Basically seems to be a group of well adjusted children. Children I want to have.
I would not say extreme is the word to describe them. I'd say the better word is "thoughtful." Yes. These are thoughtful parents, they research and choose the birth place right for them. They choose the feeding method that is best for them. They find the sleeping arrangement that works for them. They discipline with thought instead of knee-jerk reactions. They figure out the best school for their kids or lack thereof.
But similarities end there. Most of us work at least part time, some full time, some even own their own businesses. Some of us home-school, some of us find privet schools, some find charter, some find public. I definitely have an opinion about what is best there, but making one decision one way or the other doesn't make you an attachment parent. Some of us use day care sometimes, some of us have nannies or have had them, some of us juggle our schedule so that our babies are mostly always with one parent or the other (HINT: It's what Brent and I do).
Some of us had attachment parents and some of us are doing everything different from our parents. Difference with purpose, to do better, to have our children have a better life than we did. Some of us vaccinate, some of us don't. Some of us are vegan or gluten-free or dairy-free, some of us eat plenty of meat and cheese.
Some of us do elimination communication, some of us use disposables on our three-year-olds. Some of us totally use strollers, in fact, a lot of us use strollers. We babywear, but we also use strollers, this is not an either/or type of a thing.
So where is the extreme? It this just about "extended" breastfeeding? Typical weaning of a child who is left to wean on his own is between 2 and 7 years with the average being somewhere around 4 years. 4 years is a biological norm. We've gone so far from this that breastfeeding after 6 months is not typical anymore in the US.
This TIME magazine cover makes me want to breastfeed my kids until kindergarten. I doubt I will make it that long, but for now, it works for me and I can't imagine voluntarily giving it up anytime soon.
Awesome that she is breastfeeding a three-year-old, contrary to popular belief, this is actually not an extreme. You know what else isn't an extreme? Attachment parenting. If anything, it's for lazy people.
I've been hanging out with one group of local attachment parents at Powderhorn Park almost every Thursday for about 6 months. I'm still a newbie, but I've learned some things about these parents. I can only speak for the group I am involved with, but probably about a dozen regular parents show up most weeks. "Extreme" is not what they are about.
We have some things in common, most of us are white, most of us are married or partnered, most of us don't have regular day jobs (hence we can show up to a play group on Thursday afternoon), and most of us have at least one kid under five.
If you are picturing some kind of Attachment Parenting cult or exclusive club, where members are kicked out for using a crib, this is not the place. We lean more in one direction, for instance, most of us breastfeed or have breast-fed our kids. Most of us do at least some co-sleeping, or did. Most of us, if pregnant, are trying to go for a natural birth. Most of us at least own some kind of baby wearing sling or wrap or other carrier.
What I've found is a group of very relaxed parents. And a group of very attached, happy-looking kids. There is very little yelling, no punishments, no power struggles, no bribery. And the kids are also not yelling much or throwing tantrums, or running away from their parents, or hitting their parents or other kids. Basically seems to be a group of well adjusted children. Children I want to have.
I would not say extreme is the word to describe them. I'd say the better word is "thoughtful." Yes. These are thoughtful parents, they research and choose the birth place right for them. They choose the feeding method that is best for them. They find the sleeping arrangement that works for them. They discipline with thought instead of knee-jerk reactions. They figure out the best school for their kids or lack thereof.
But similarities end there. Most of us work at least part time, some full time, some even own their own businesses. Some of us home-school, some of us find privet schools, some find charter, some find public. I definitely have an opinion about what is best there, but making one decision one way or the other doesn't make you an attachment parent. Some of us use day care sometimes, some of us have nannies or have had them, some of us juggle our schedule so that our babies are mostly always with one parent or the other (HINT: It's what Brent and I do).
Some of us had attachment parents and some of us are doing everything different from our parents. Difference with purpose, to do better, to have our children have a better life than we did. Some of us vaccinate, some of us don't. Some of us are vegan or gluten-free or dairy-free, some of us eat plenty of meat and cheese.
Some of us do elimination communication, some of us use disposables on our three-year-olds. Some of us totally use strollers, in fact, a lot of us use strollers. We babywear, but we also use strollers, this is not an either/or type of a thing.
So where is the extreme? It this just about "extended" breastfeeding? Typical weaning of a child who is left to wean on his own is between 2 and 7 years with the average being somewhere around 4 years. 4 years is a biological norm. We've gone so far from this that breastfeeding after 6 months is not typical anymore in the US.
This TIME magazine cover makes me want to breastfeed my kids until kindergarten. I doubt I will make it that long, but for now, it works for me and I can't imagine voluntarily giving it up anytime soon.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Don't Be Hating on the Pump!
I've come across some breastfeeding sites that have been totally anti-pumping. And I gotta say, "why?"
They make these outrageous claims about how inefficient pumps are and how they don't really work. I don't know where they get this info, or if they just plain make it up, but it is wrong.
Pumps take some getting used to, but I'm sorry, it's not really reality that a mother isn't going to be away from her baby until he's weaned. And there are mothers out there who exclusively pump. Meaning their baby gets only breast milk that has been pumped. Not to mention all the women who go back to work full time when their baby is 6 or 12 weeks old or more and keep up their breastfeeding just fine.
Pumps work, if you get the right pump.
DO NOT use a used pump! Don't take the one from your friend who used it with her baby a year ago. Get yourself your own, brand new, double electric pump. Pumps can be contaminated and motors wear out. I learned today that you should actually get a new pump with every kid, unless you've bought a hospital grade one, which you probably didn't because they are like $1000. They are not meant to be passed down.
Mine was paid for 100% by my health insurance. Pretty awesome. And I believe new legislation requires health insurance to cover them 100% in 2013 or possibly this year. So don't let expense keep you from getting a new pump.
Pumps are awesome. You can leave your baby with someone else and go do things! I would have lost my mind long ago if it weren't for my pump. Even before I went back to work, I used my pump so that I could get away. Moms need breaks from breastfeeding. Moms need breaks from baby-care. Condemning pumps is just as bad as telling a mom to use formula if she needs a break.
To me, being anti-pump is being anti-breastfeeding. It's giving out misinformation about a device that makes breastfeeding possible for mothers who want or need to be away from their babies. If you want mothers to spend more time with their babies attack the lack of maternity leave, not the pump.
Pumps are not inefficient! I can easily get 4-7 ounces of breast milk out in about 10 minutes of pumping with my double electric pump, some moms do even better than this. I do breathing exercises, look at pictures of my baby, think milk, imagine my baby breastfeeding, and the milk flows. It takes some practice, but it works. I worked a 12 hour shift and was away from my baby for about 14 hours and was able to do it in two pumping sessions about 6 hours apart. I had to pump a little longer, but I easily got out about 15 ounces total from both sessions. My breasts were very full, but it totally worked. Even the craziest work schedule, I believe, is manageable. I should have done 3 pumping sessions, but I simply didn't want to.
If your pump isn't working, you might need different sized flanges, new parts, a better pump, or a newer pump. Mine once wasn't working and it turned out I had a ripped valve I needed to replace (HINT: Keep replacement parts in your pump bag).
So can we please stop hating on the breast pumps? They are sometimes the only reason a mother is able to breastfeed. I personally have never met a breastfeeding mother who has told me she never pumps.
They make these outrageous claims about how inefficient pumps are and how they don't really work. I don't know where they get this info, or if they just plain make it up, but it is wrong.
Pumps take some getting used to, but I'm sorry, it's not really reality that a mother isn't going to be away from her baby until he's weaned. And there are mothers out there who exclusively pump. Meaning their baby gets only breast milk that has been pumped. Not to mention all the women who go back to work full time when their baby is 6 or 12 weeks old or more and keep up their breastfeeding just fine.
Pumps work, if you get the right pump.
DO NOT use a used pump! Don't take the one from your friend who used it with her baby a year ago. Get yourself your own, brand new, double electric pump. Pumps can be contaminated and motors wear out. I learned today that you should actually get a new pump with every kid, unless you've bought a hospital grade one, which you probably didn't because they are like $1000. They are not meant to be passed down.
Mine was paid for 100% by my health insurance. Pretty awesome. And I believe new legislation requires health insurance to cover them 100% in 2013 or possibly this year. So don't let expense keep you from getting a new pump.
Pumps are awesome. You can leave your baby with someone else and go do things! I would have lost my mind long ago if it weren't for my pump. Even before I went back to work, I used my pump so that I could get away. Moms need breaks from breastfeeding. Moms need breaks from baby-care. Condemning pumps is just as bad as telling a mom to use formula if she needs a break.
To me, being anti-pump is being anti-breastfeeding. It's giving out misinformation about a device that makes breastfeeding possible for mothers who want or need to be away from their babies. If you want mothers to spend more time with their babies attack the lack of maternity leave, not the pump.
Pumps are not inefficient! I can easily get 4-7 ounces of breast milk out in about 10 minutes of pumping with my double electric pump, some moms do even better than this. I do breathing exercises, look at pictures of my baby, think milk, imagine my baby breastfeeding, and the milk flows. It takes some practice, but it works. I worked a 12 hour shift and was away from my baby for about 14 hours and was able to do it in two pumping sessions about 6 hours apart. I had to pump a little longer, but I easily got out about 15 ounces total from both sessions. My breasts were very full, but it totally worked. Even the craziest work schedule, I believe, is manageable. I should have done 3 pumping sessions, but I simply didn't want to.
If your pump isn't working, you might need different sized flanges, new parts, a better pump, or a newer pump. Mine once wasn't working and it turned out I had a ripped valve I needed to replace (HINT: Keep replacement parts in your pump bag).
So can we please stop hating on the breast pumps? They are sometimes the only reason a mother is able to breastfeed. I personally have never met a breastfeeding mother who has told me she never pumps.
Monday, April 30, 2012
Correlation CAN Mean Causation
OK. For whatever reason I've heard this phrase a lot: "Correlation does not mean causation."
And as a psychology major who had to learn about research methods in EVERY SINGLE CLASS, I must speak up about this.
First of all, yes, correlation does not automatically mean that one item correlated with another caused the other. But it doesn't automatically mean there is no causation at hand. It means we have to look critically at the data and use other studies and repeat studies to really find out what is going on here. ONE study alone is never enough to prove anything.
You can't always set up a study to prove causation because there are often ethical guidelines that get in the way. Or you might be looking at historical data and cannot set it up to prove causation.
For instance people who are taller tend to also be heavier. And people who are heavier tend to also be taller. But gaining weight doesn't make you taller. But getting taller tends to make you gain weight. But then again we all know someone who is much taller than us, but who weighs less than us, and sometimes we are surprised that someone so short can weigh so much. Height and weight are correlated, but there's also some causation going on and some other factors too.
This is how it is for almost everything. Nothing is a one-to-one kind of a thing. We need to be critical of correlational studies.
BUT it does not mean that we ignore correlations simply because they can't prove causation all by themselves. They are important. And if they show a correlation between two things, we need to investigate further, especially when they don't make sense. But simply saying "correlation doesn't prove causation" seems just dismissive to me. It could be a fluke, there could be a third variable we need to look at, and yes, it could be that one is causing the other.
It's important to not jump to conclusions over ONE study. It's also important to not ignore the overwhelming evidence for something shown in many studies. Both are bad ideas.
Magazines are probably the worst at jumping to conclusions about one study. Some newspaper articles are also bad. Some study comes out and journalists jump at it declaring something silly. It's important to go to the actual study. I read so many research papers as an undergrad. A good research paper will talk about the limitations of the study and about the possibilities of other things going on contradictory to what the data shows. Nothing is ever cut and dry.
So don't read too much into one study and also don't automatically dismiss a study either. The more studies, the better. There are always going to be studies that end up showing some kind of a fluke that goes against the norm, this is why they need to be repeated and why we all need to keep an open and a critical mind.
And as a psychology major who had to learn about research methods in EVERY SINGLE CLASS, I must speak up about this.
First of all, yes, correlation does not automatically mean that one item correlated with another caused the other. But it doesn't automatically mean there is no causation at hand. It means we have to look critically at the data and use other studies and repeat studies to really find out what is going on here. ONE study alone is never enough to prove anything.
You can't always set up a study to prove causation because there are often ethical guidelines that get in the way. Or you might be looking at historical data and cannot set it up to prove causation.
For instance people who are taller tend to also be heavier. And people who are heavier tend to also be taller. But gaining weight doesn't make you taller. But getting taller tends to make you gain weight. But then again we all know someone who is much taller than us, but who weighs less than us, and sometimes we are surprised that someone so short can weigh so much. Height and weight are correlated, but there's also some causation going on and some other factors too.
This is how it is for almost everything. Nothing is a one-to-one kind of a thing. We need to be critical of correlational studies.
BUT it does not mean that we ignore correlations simply because they can't prove causation all by themselves. They are important. And if they show a correlation between two things, we need to investigate further, especially when they don't make sense. But simply saying "correlation doesn't prove causation" seems just dismissive to me. It could be a fluke, there could be a third variable we need to look at, and yes, it could be that one is causing the other.
It's important to not jump to conclusions over ONE study. It's also important to not ignore the overwhelming evidence for something shown in many studies. Both are bad ideas.
Magazines are probably the worst at jumping to conclusions about one study. Some newspaper articles are also bad. Some study comes out and journalists jump at it declaring something silly. It's important to go to the actual study. I read so many research papers as an undergrad. A good research paper will talk about the limitations of the study and about the possibilities of other things going on contradictory to what the data shows. Nothing is ever cut and dry.
So don't read too much into one study and also don't automatically dismiss a study either. The more studies, the better. There are always going to be studies that end up showing some kind of a fluke that goes against the norm, this is why they need to be repeated and why we all need to keep an open and a critical mind.
Thursday, April 19, 2012
My Love/Hate Relationship with the Pacifier
I have said before that I wish I had never used a pacifier. Mostly because I started using one so early, and used it going against my gut feeling. I have now learned that babies don't comfort nurse. They get comfort from nursing, but you can't over-nurse a baby. Your breasts will not become pacifiers. Baby will suck as much as he needs and even a light sucking is fine. Quick nursing sessions are fine, just like we sometimes get quick drinks of water.
Will people PLEASE stop telling mothers with very young babies things like, "Well, you don't want to become a pacifier!" Let's worry about limiting nursing for toddlers, not newborns. Newborns cannot be given ENOUGH breast milk. It is totally normal for a newborn to nurse during all of it's waking and some of it's sleeping time. You cannot over-breastfeed a baby. Your boobs figure shit like that out. If a mother of a six-month-old is wanting a break, then that is when you bring up pacifiers. Not with a baby that is days or weeks or hours old. Limiting nursing can seriously screw up your supply in those first few months.
With that being said. I also like the pacifier sometimes. It is a lifesaver during car trips. I can't nurse while driving. I also can't nurse when I'm not around. And since you can over bottle feed a baby, when I'm not around, the pacifier is good for him to suck on when boob is not an option.
At first the pacifier fell out a lot. And I was totally fine with that. I got really annoyed when people would hold the pacifier in his mouth. If he doesn't want it, then let him drop it. Sure it gets dirty, but pacifiers are something you can wash. We had a tether when he was a bit older, but it only held certain pacifiers... and it turns out our boy is picky about his pacifiers, no matter how much we try, he will only take the Avent Soothie pacifier. The tether doesn't fit this kind, and frankly a tether can be dangerous. But we don't really leave our baby unattended anyway, so I was OK with using one in a restaurant, for instance.
There was a period of time when we really had to make sure we had a pacifier with us, or we were in for hell. This is when I really started to hate them, I felt dependent on them. Baby would scream if he didn't have one. It turns out it was just a phase and slowly he has become less interested in them. I have even been known to take them out of his mouth when he is playing and he doesn't put up any fight.
I'm guessing we will slowly lose the pacifiers we have and sometime in the next year or so he won't want them, but I could be wrong.
But I gotta say, once your baby likes them, I really don't understand people trying to artificially get their children to give them up. Seems like a lot of work that might totally backfire, and I'm not sure there is much gain. Some kids are very oral and like to suck more than others. This is a need of theirs and trying to get them to stop sucking on things will probably mean this need will be filled in other places that might be worse or more prolonged. Plus I'm all for letting kids reach developmental milestones on their own. Some kids walk at 7 months, others don't do it until 18 months, both are normal and have little to do with what the parent does. Some kids refuse a pacifier altogether and others don't give it up until 3 years of age. Just like weaning from the breast, it could be 2 years, it could be 5 years. We should all just ignore those that say thing like, "he's still doing that?" or "he's not doing that yet?" These people are not helpful or supportive; seek new people.
He rarely uses a pacifier when I'm around, because I use my boobs instead. So the pacifier has become a boob substitute and I'm OK with that. It makes him happy and it makes things easier for dad and babysitters.
My advice (which is totally unsolicited) is to not use a pacifier if possible (hold your ground if you don't want to use one, it is possible to not use one), but if you do use one (which is fine, even if you swore you wouldn't), do not sweat it so much. And if you are breastfeeding, wait until your breastfeeding relationship is going well (usually one to three months). Don't do like I did and give in to the pressure, baby needs to nurse A LOT and baby can't nurse with a pacifier in his mouth. He also can't nurse in a hospital nursery, or while swaddled in a bassinet across the room! But that's another issue altogether.
Will people PLEASE stop telling mothers with very young babies things like, "Well, you don't want to become a pacifier!" Let's worry about limiting nursing for toddlers, not newborns. Newborns cannot be given ENOUGH breast milk. It is totally normal for a newborn to nurse during all of it's waking and some of it's sleeping time. You cannot over-breastfeed a baby. Your boobs figure shit like that out. If a mother of a six-month-old is wanting a break, then that is when you bring up pacifiers. Not with a baby that is days or weeks or hours old. Limiting nursing can seriously screw up your supply in those first few months.
With that being said. I also like the pacifier sometimes. It is a lifesaver during car trips. I can't nurse while driving. I also can't nurse when I'm not around. And since you can over bottle feed a baby, when I'm not around, the pacifier is good for him to suck on when boob is not an option.
At first the pacifier fell out a lot. And I was totally fine with that. I got really annoyed when people would hold the pacifier in his mouth. If he doesn't want it, then let him drop it. Sure it gets dirty, but pacifiers are something you can wash. We had a tether when he was a bit older, but it only held certain pacifiers... and it turns out our boy is picky about his pacifiers, no matter how much we try, he will only take the Avent Soothie pacifier. The tether doesn't fit this kind, and frankly a tether can be dangerous. But we don't really leave our baby unattended anyway, so I was OK with using one in a restaurant, for instance.
There was a period of time when we really had to make sure we had a pacifier with us, or we were in for hell. This is when I really started to hate them, I felt dependent on them. Baby would scream if he didn't have one. It turns out it was just a phase and slowly he has become less interested in them. I have even been known to take them out of his mouth when he is playing and he doesn't put up any fight.
I'm guessing we will slowly lose the pacifiers we have and sometime in the next year or so he won't want them, but I could be wrong.
But I gotta say, once your baby likes them, I really don't understand people trying to artificially get their children to give them up. Seems like a lot of work that might totally backfire, and I'm not sure there is much gain. Some kids are very oral and like to suck more than others. This is a need of theirs and trying to get them to stop sucking on things will probably mean this need will be filled in other places that might be worse or more prolonged. Plus I'm all for letting kids reach developmental milestones on their own. Some kids walk at 7 months, others don't do it until 18 months, both are normal and have little to do with what the parent does. Some kids refuse a pacifier altogether and others don't give it up until 3 years of age. Just like weaning from the breast, it could be 2 years, it could be 5 years. We should all just ignore those that say thing like, "he's still doing that?" or "he's not doing that yet?" These people are not helpful or supportive; seek new people.
He rarely uses a pacifier when I'm around, because I use my boobs instead. So the pacifier has become a boob substitute and I'm OK with that. It makes him happy and it makes things easier for dad and babysitters.
My advice (which is totally unsolicited) is to not use a pacifier if possible (hold your ground if you don't want to use one, it is possible to not use one), but if you do use one (which is fine, even if you swore you wouldn't), do not sweat it so much. And if you are breastfeeding, wait until your breastfeeding relationship is going well (usually one to three months). Don't do like I did and give in to the pressure, baby needs to nurse A LOT and baby can't nurse with a pacifier in his mouth. He also can't nurse in a hospital nursery, or while swaddled in a bassinet across the room! But that's another issue altogether.
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