I'm an Attachment Parent, also known as Connective Parenting. I'm not perfect and I do not strive for that. Nor do I have a list of things I think everyone should do. I have some evidence up my sleeve that some of the things I do are awesome, but they aren't for everyone, I get it.
I had this experience of someone confessing to me that she wasn't an AP mom and I similarly felt like I was confessing that I am an AP mom. She said some of them are "crazy."
I had to agree with her there, but I don't think they are crazy because of the Attachment Parenting they do. Personally I would never not vaccinate my child, nor would I ever homeschool, nor would a babywear with a kid who can walk, nor would I try to find raw milk or go on a paleo diet. To each there own, I've gotten over the judgement, I will not say that I agree with them, but I don't think they are bad people. And none of the above have anything to do with Attachment Parenting!
In fact we are all doing the best we can fucking do in this rather messed up world we live in.
I'll refer to the API website for what I really think the bare bones essentials of Attachment Parenting is. http://www.attachmentparenting.org/
The 8 Principals of AP:
1. Prepare for Pregnancy, Birth, and Parenting
2. Feed with Love and Respect
3. Respond with Sensitivity
4. Use Nurturing Touch
5. Ensure Safe Sleep, Physically and Emotionally
6. Provide Consistent and Loving Care
7. Practice Positive Discipline
8. Strive for Balance in Personal and Family Life
Is AP starting to seem less crazy?
Notice how it doesn't say, "breastfeed, babywear, co-sleep, don't vaccinate, eat only organic, have a home birth," or anything like that? You CAN bottle feed with love and respect, you can ensure safe sleep by using a crib, you can prepare for pregnancy and birth and still have a scheduled C-section, you can use nurturing touch without ever using a sling, you can provide consistent and loving care and positive discipline while still screwing up horribly sometimes. AP is not for perfect parents, because there are none of those.
I really do think AP can be for everyone. If you really think children shouldn't be responded to sensitively, shouldn't be disciplined in a positive manner, shouldn't bed fed with love and respect, and that you shouldn't prepare for pregnancy birth and parenthood, then I seriously have to wonder why you are becoming a parent in the first place.
There is good science behind the principals. There is really good science that punishment doesn't really work well and/or causes not so great mental health in the long term (despite what a lot of popular child-rearing books will tell you). This is probably the main reason I got into the attachment parenting community. Being around people who hit and yell at and isolate and shame their children is really hard for me. Again, we in the AP community fuck up sometimes and do just this, but we are a support system for those who want help doing something different.
There is absolutely nothing more important than the relationship you have with your child, with a spouse/partner as a close second. Not being connected with your child has extremely bad consequences, and sometimes they don't come out until adolescence or adulthood. For me, the principals above are what I follow to do my best to make sure I connect with my child.
I didn't babywear much, I yell too much, Cedric has witnessed me completely breaking down a couple times. I am pretty bad at finding balance. I'm still an AP mom, I still have the principal groundwork in my head. I get therapy, I try to grow as a person. Parenthood is way more about controlling your own self than controlling your kids.
Whether or not you are connected to the AP community, you probably agree with the principals above, and probably have a few of your own. I sure do. AP is not the only thing I do. I've got other stuff that influences me even further. I'm a socialist, I'm a humanist, I'm a feminist, I'm a believer in critically examining scientific study. I'm pro-choice, I strongly believe that we all should strive to improve our emotional intelligence and boundaries because a lot of us have issues with these. I also believe we are all doing the best we can with the past and the current info we have.
I hate that my baby got the vitamin K shot at birth, but I went with the info I had at the time. I hate that my overactive let down caused me so much stress, but I lacked support and good info about it at the time. I hate that I had a hospital birth, but I lacked support and knowledge at the time. I hate that I found myself so little help after the birth of my child, but that's just how it goes sometimes.
Moms and dads, you are going to make mistakes. I think too often we want to believe that we are doing it all right and when some piece of info comes along that is counter to what we are doing we bash the new info instead of taking it in and either finding out its bullshit or forgiving ourselves for what we didn't know before. We should all start with, "I'm not going to do this all right."
So before you write off AP as something those crunchy, organic-eating, homebirth, breastfeeding until age 4 moms do, please, go to the website, explore, find a play group, actually meet some of them. And yes, some of them will be crunchy, organic-eating, homebirthing, non-vaccinating, breastfeeding forever, homeschooling moms and dads. And sometimes you will roll your eyes at their raw milk that they are into. And you won't like all of them, but you will see that they are actually quite a diverse set of people. The practice of the principals is going to look different for everyone.
No comments:
Post a Comment