Oh my goodness my son turned one today! What a year it has been. Some of the most depressing, most anxious, most horrible times in my life happened in this last year. Also the most wonderful and joyous things have happened too. I truly love being a mother, all the bad stuff was worth it. I am really a changed person. I've had to prioritize a lot of stuff and have had to let a lot of things go, some that were really hard to let go of.
I think Brent and I have done a really good job. Our baby boy is flourishing. He's happy and growing, and very attached to both of us. We've really gotten into a harmony of being with him and having him in our lives, I don't feel like life could go on with out him. It was a huge adjustment, but we figured it out.
I have come to realize that we are way more relaxed than average. It took me a while to get relaxed, at first I was very anxious, but now we sit back and give him a lot of autonomy. We aren't hoverers and you won't ever find us disinfecting things. We let him learn by falling if he needs to and we've decided that we are pro-dirt and germs for the most part. He's been very healthy too. While I've never been sicker. He's had one fever, a half a dozen colds, one 12 hour period of vomiting and one short, mild bout of diarrhea from his first cold (too much mucus in the system we were told). He's also only had diaper rash once (during the diarrhea) thanks to our cloth diapering and elimination communication. No ear infections or anything else.
He started signing for milk, the one sign I've been doing consistently, which makes me wish I had done other signs consistently. It's quite amazing to have a little 12 month old telling you exactly what he wants.
I am now officially an extended breast-feeder, which is good because he still gets the majority of his calories from breast milk. I plan to continue for at least another year. He's never had a single sip of formula nor a single mouthful of pureed baby food. It's a total time saver, I don't yet have to think about his food at all. He has my breasts and bits of whatever we are eating and it's working great. Baby food is such a scam, I'm glad I avoided it. I have total faith that his eating skills will get better over the next year to the point where he's eating much more solids than he is now. Food is a non-issue and I plan on keeping it that way.
I've also discovered that co-sleeping makes traveling a breeze too. We don't have to pack a crib! And he's big enough now that he can actually climb out of hotel beds on his own pretty well. One queen or king sized bed is all we need for now. It's like the world was made for us.
Elimination communication has been mostly derailed for now, we have hit a major potty pause. We caught one pee on our week vacation and just today he peed on to the floor right after getting off the potty. I'm going to try to just do morning pees and after nap pees for now and just not stress. Again, I want potty to be a non-issue, just like food and sleep. He will eat when he needs to and sleep when he needs to. I barely can think about scheduling my own life, I can't imagine trying to schedule his. It means I sometimes have to wake him up from a nap to bring him places, but it all works out.
My only piece of advice to anyone wanting to have kids is that, for god sake, have kids with someone who is awesome. I can't imagine how hard this would all have been without my amazing husband. Children strain marriages because they change them fundamentally. We are not the couple we were before we had Cedric. In some ways it's better in some ways it's worse. We have less time for each other and there simply isn't anything to be done about it, it's just how it is, we'll have more time later. We got through this, so I think we can get through anything. Brent is an amazing father, I only hope he feels the same way about me.
Happy birthday to my son, who gave me the best job in the world.
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Friday, May 18, 2012
Balance is Bullsh*t, Hard Decisions are Reality
This has taken me a while to realize. And I'm sick of one word right now, "Balance." More and more people are saying this word. Things like, "it's all about balance." When referring to life with kids. I think I've figured it out and it's not about balance. Balance is a fallacy. You can't have it all. Something will always suffer or get put on the back burner. And this is the reality with all of life. Not just for those of us with kids. Stop trying to "balance" you life. Accept that things will get neglected.
Life is full of tough decisions and some of the toughest happen when we have kids. My biggest first tough decision was with my work. I gave up my decently paying job when Cedric was 5 months old because I wanted more time with him. This was not an easy decision. I cried a lot about this decision. I also both regretted it and was happy about it. It meant that we really didn't have enough money. I had to live with the consequences of my decision, both the good ones and the bad ones. I now believe that every decision has both good and bad consequences. There aren't "good" decisions and "bad" decisions, there are only decisions. Of course finding out good info can help you, but there is always a negative to anything you do, especially in the big decisions. And there is always a choice.
There just aren't enough hours in the day to do everything we want to do.
Right now, my political work is next to nothing. Something that was important to me before I got pregnant. Politics are still important to me, but my priorities have changed and I simply cannot devote much time to socialism. It sucks. It wasn't easy to decide to not do a lot. It doesn't just mean a slightly weaker movement, it means my relationship with my comrades has declined. I'm not as close to them as I would like to be. Political work is not in a balance, it's been thrown off the scale, into the dirt. If we lived in a society that did more shared child care, maybe this would be different.
I remember when I was actively trying to lose weight. I remember how much time and effort it seemed to take. I realized that I would really have to make weight loss a priority and let other things go if I was going to lose the weight I wanted. A tough decision. Planning to eat healthy food and get in some exercise takes a lot of time.
Right now I'm choosing to write this blog entry while my son plays by himself on the floor and my husband mows the lawn. He's playing with our shoes, luckily he's not putting too much stuff in his mouth these days. I'm letting that go, he can't destroy our shoes and I'm OK with him getting some dirt into him. I find I let a lot of things go with our son. I keep him away from dangerous things, but just don't have the energy to worry about little things.
So lets all give each other a break. First let's realize we all have options. There is always a choice. There are always positives and negatives to that choice. And we will always regret some of the choices we make, sometimes while simultaneously enjoying the same choice. I'm all for parents staying home with their kids, I see this as an ideal, but I know how tough of a decision that is to make, you can't somehow balance it and make more money appear. You can't advance your career while also spending lots of quality time with your kids, sorry, you have to choose and only you can choose it, and it will be a hard choice to make, one you will probably question frequently. And no one can tell you which choice is best for you. You will NOT find a balance, give it up.
Life is full of tough decisions and some of the toughest happen when we have kids. My biggest first tough decision was with my work. I gave up my decently paying job when Cedric was 5 months old because I wanted more time with him. This was not an easy decision. I cried a lot about this decision. I also both regretted it and was happy about it. It meant that we really didn't have enough money. I had to live with the consequences of my decision, both the good ones and the bad ones. I now believe that every decision has both good and bad consequences. There aren't "good" decisions and "bad" decisions, there are only decisions. Of course finding out good info can help you, but there is always a negative to anything you do, especially in the big decisions. And there is always a choice.
There just aren't enough hours in the day to do everything we want to do.
Right now, my political work is next to nothing. Something that was important to me before I got pregnant. Politics are still important to me, but my priorities have changed and I simply cannot devote much time to socialism. It sucks. It wasn't easy to decide to not do a lot. It doesn't just mean a slightly weaker movement, it means my relationship with my comrades has declined. I'm not as close to them as I would like to be. Political work is not in a balance, it's been thrown off the scale, into the dirt. If we lived in a society that did more shared child care, maybe this would be different.
I remember when I was actively trying to lose weight. I remember how much time and effort it seemed to take. I realized that I would really have to make weight loss a priority and let other things go if I was going to lose the weight I wanted. A tough decision. Planning to eat healthy food and get in some exercise takes a lot of time.
Right now I'm choosing to write this blog entry while my son plays by himself on the floor and my husband mows the lawn. He's playing with our shoes, luckily he's not putting too much stuff in his mouth these days. I'm letting that go, he can't destroy our shoes and I'm OK with him getting some dirt into him. I find I let a lot of things go with our son. I keep him away from dangerous things, but just don't have the energy to worry about little things.
So lets all give each other a break. First let's realize we all have options. There is always a choice. There are always positives and negatives to that choice. And we will always regret some of the choices we make, sometimes while simultaneously enjoying the same choice. I'm all for parents staying home with their kids, I see this as an ideal, but I know how tough of a decision that is to make, you can't somehow balance it and make more money appear. You can't advance your career while also spending lots of quality time with your kids, sorry, you have to choose and only you can choose it, and it will be a hard choice to make, one you will probably question frequently. And no one can tell you which choice is best for you. You will NOT find a balance, give it up.
Thursday, May 10, 2012
AP Parents are Normal Parents
OK. I gotta jump on the band wagon and blog about the TIME cover featuring a mother breastfeeding her three-year-old with the title, "Are You Mom Enough?" Why attachment parenting drives some mothers to extremes."
Awesome that she is breastfeeding a three-year-old, contrary to popular belief, this is actually not an extreme. You know what else isn't an extreme? Attachment parenting. If anything, it's for lazy people.
I've been hanging out with one group of local attachment parents at Powderhorn Park almost every Thursday for about 6 months. I'm still a newbie, but I've learned some things about these parents. I can only speak for the group I am involved with, but probably about a dozen regular parents show up most weeks. "Extreme" is not what they are about.
We have some things in common, most of us are white, most of us are married or partnered, most of us don't have regular day jobs (hence we can show up to a play group on Thursday afternoon), and most of us have at least one kid under five.
If you are picturing some kind of Attachment Parenting cult or exclusive club, where members are kicked out for using a crib, this is not the place. We lean more in one direction, for instance, most of us breastfeed or have breast-fed our kids. Most of us do at least some co-sleeping, or did. Most of us, if pregnant, are trying to go for a natural birth. Most of us at least own some kind of baby wearing sling or wrap or other carrier.
What I've found is a group of very relaxed parents. And a group of very attached, happy-looking kids. There is very little yelling, no punishments, no power struggles, no bribery. And the kids are also not yelling much or throwing tantrums, or running away from their parents, or hitting their parents or other kids. Basically seems to be a group of well adjusted children. Children I want to have.
I would not say extreme is the word to describe them. I'd say the better word is "thoughtful." Yes. These are thoughtful parents, they research and choose the birth place right for them. They choose the feeding method that is best for them. They find the sleeping arrangement that works for them. They discipline with thought instead of knee-jerk reactions. They figure out the best school for their kids or lack thereof.
But similarities end there. Most of us work at least part time, some full time, some even own their own businesses. Some of us home-school, some of us find privet schools, some find charter, some find public. I definitely have an opinion about what is best there, but making one decision one way or the other doesn't make you an attachment parent. Some of us use day care sometimes, some of us have nannies or have had them, some of us juggle our schedule so that our babies are mostly always with one parent or the other (HINT: It's what Brent and I do).
Some of us had attachment parents and some of us are doing everything different from our parents. Difference with purpose, to do better, to have our children have a better life than we did. Some of us vaccinate, some of us don't. Some of us are vegan or gluten-free or dairy-free, some of us eat plenty of meat and cheese.
Some of us do elimination communication, some of us use disposables on our three-year-olds. Some of us totally use strollers, in fact, a lot of us use strollers. We babywear, but we also use strollers, this is not an either/or type of a thing.
So where is the extreme? It this just about "extended" breastfeeding? Typical weaning of a child who is left to wean on his own is between 2 and 7 years with the average being somewhere around 4 years. 4 years is a biological norm. We've gone so far from this that breastfeeding after 6 months is not typical anymore in the US.
This TIME magazine cover makes me want to breastfeed my kids until kindergarten. I doubt I will make it that long, but for now, it works for me and I can't imagine voluntarily giving it up anytime soon.
Awesome that she is breastfeeding a three-year-old, contrary to popular belief, this is actually not an extreme. You know what else isn't an extreme? Attachment parenting. If anything, it's for lazy people.
I've been hanging out with one group of local attachment parents at Powderhorn Park almost every Thursday for about 6 months. I'm still a newbie, but I've learned some things about these parents. I can only speak for the group I am involved with, but probably about a dozen regular parents show up most weeks. "Extreme" is not what they are about.
We have some things in common, most of us are white, most of us are married or partnered, most of us don't have regular day jobs (hence we can show up to a play group on Thursday afternoon), and most of us have at least one kid under five.
If you are picturing some kind of Attachment Parenting cult or exclusive club, where members are kicked out for using a crib, this is not the place. We lean more in one direction, for instance, most of us breastfeed or have breast-fed our kids. Most of us do at least some co-sleeping, or did. Most of us, if pregnant, are trying to go for a natural birth. Most of us at least own some kind of baby wearing sling or wrap or other carrier.
What I've found is a group of very relaxed parents. And a group of very attached, happy-looking kids. There is very little yelling, no punishments, no power struggles, no bribery. And the kids are also not yelling much or throwing tantrums, or running away from their parents, or hitting their parents or other kids. Basically seems to be a group of well adjusted children. Children I want to have.
I would not say extreme is the word to describe them. I'd say the better word is "thoughtful." Yes. These are thoughtful parents, they research and choose the birth place right for them. They choose the feeding method that is best for them. They find the sleeping arrangement that works for them. They discipline with thought instead of knee-jerk reactions. They figure out the best school for their kids or lack thereof.
But similarities end there. Most of us work at least part time, some full time, some even own their own businesses. Some of us home-school, some of us find privet schools, some find charter, some find public. I definitely have an opinion about what is best there, but making one decision one way or the other doesn't make you an attachment parent. Some of us use day care sometimes, some of us have nannies or have had them, some of us juggle our schedule so that our babies are mostly always with one parent or the other (HINT: It's what Brent and I do).
Some of us had attachment parents and some of us are doing everything different from our parents. Difference with purpose, to do better, to have our children have a better life than we did. Some of us vaccinate, some of us don't. Some of us are vegan or gluten-free or dairy-free, some of us eat plenty of meat and cheese.
Some of us do elimination communication, some of us use disposables on our three-year-olds. Some of us totally use strollers, in fact, a lot of us use strollers. We babywear, but we also use strollers, this is not an either/or type of a thing.
So where is the extreme? It this just about "extended" breastfeeding? Typical weaning of a child who is left to wean on his own is between 2 and 7 years with the average being somewhere around 4 years. 4 years is a biological norm. We've gone so far from this that breastfeeding after 6 months is not typical anymore in the US.
This TIME magazine cover makes me want to breastfeed my kids until kindergarten. I doubt I will make it that long, but for now, it works for me and I can't imagine voluntarily giving it up anytime soon.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Don't Be Hating on the Pump!
I've come across some breastfeeding sites that have been totally anti-pumping. And I gotta say, "why?"
They make these outrageous claims about how inefficient pumps are and how they don't really work. I don't know where they get this info, or if they just plain make it up, but it is wrong.
Pumps take some getting used to, but I'm sorry, it's not really reality that a mother isn't going to be away from her baby until he's weaned. And there are mothers out there who exclusively pump. Meaning their baby gets only breast milk that has been pumped. Not to mention all the women who go back to work full time when their baby is 6 or 12 weeks old or more and keep up their breastfeeding just fine.
Pumps work, if you get the right pump.
DO NOT use a used pump! Don't take the one from your friend who used it with her baby a year ago. Get yourself your own, brand new, double electric pump. Pumps can be contaminated and motors wear out. I learned today that you should actually get a new pump with every kid, unless you've bought a hospital grade one, which you probably didn't because they are like $1000. They are not meant to be passed down.
Mine was paid for 100% by my health insurance. Pretty awesome. And I believe new legislation requires health insurance to cover them 100% in 2013 or possibly this year. So don't let expense keep you from getting a new pump.
Pumps are awesome. You can leave your baby with someone else and go do things! I would have lost my mind long ago if it weren't for my pump. Even before I went back to work, I used my pump so that I could get away. Moms need breaks from breastfeeding. Moms need breaks from baby-care. Condemning pumps is just as bad as telling a mom to use formula if she needs a break.
To me, being anti-pump is being anti-breastfeeding. It's giving out misinformation about a device that makes breastfeeding possible for mothers who want or need to be away from their babies. If you want mothers to spend more time with their babies attack the lack of maternity leave, not the pump.
Pumps are not inefficient! I can easily get 4-7 ounces of breast milk out in about 10 minutes of pumping with my double electric pump, some moms do even better than this. I do breathing exercises, look at pictures of my baby, think milk, imagine my baby breastfeeding, and the milk flows. It takes some practice, but it works. I worked a 12 hour shift and was away from my baby for about 14 hours and was able to do it in two pumping sessions about 6 hours apart. I had to pump a little longer, but I easily got out about 15 ounces total from both sessions. My breasts were very full, but it totally worked. Even the craziest work schedule, I believe, is manageable. I should have done 3 pumping sessions, but I simply didn't want to.
If your pump isn't working, you might need different sized flanges, new parts, a better pump, or a newer pump. Mine once wasn't working and it turned out I had a ripped valve I needed to replace (HINT: Keep replacement parts in your pump bag).
So can we please stop hating on the breast pumps? They are sometimes the only reason a mother is able to breastfeed. I personally have never met a breastfeeding mother who has told me she never pumps.
They make these outrageous claims about how inefficient pumps are and how they don't really work. I don't know where they get this info, or if they just plain make it up, but it is wrong.
Pumps take some getting used to, but I'm sorry, it's not really reality that a mother isn't going to be away from her baby until he's weaned. And there are mothers out there who exclusively pump. Meaning their baby gets only breast milk that has been pumped. Not to mention all the women who go back to work full time when their baby is 6 or 12 weeks old or more and keep up their breastfeeding just fine.
Pumps work, if you get the right pump.
DO NOT use a used pump! Don't take the one from your friend who used it with her baby a year ago. Get yourself your own, brand new, double electric pump. Pumps can be contaminated and motors wear out. I learned today that you should actually get a new pump with every kid, unless you've bought a hospital grade one, which you probably didn't because they are like $1000. They are not meant to be passed down.
Mine was paid for 100% by my health insurance. Pretty awesome. And I believe new legislation requires health insurance to cover them 100% in 2013 or possibly this year. So don't let expense keep you from getting a new pump.
Pumps are awesome. You can leave your baby with someone else and go do things! I would have lost my mind long ago if it weren't for my pump. Even before I went back to work, I used my pump so that I could get away. Moms need breaks from breastfeeding. Moms need breaks from baby-care. Condemning pumps is just as bad as telling a mom to use formula if she needs a break.
To me, being anti-pump is being anti-breastfeeding. It's giving out misinformation about a device that makes breastfeeding possible for mothers who want or need to be away from their babies. If you want mothers to spend more time with their babies attack the lack of maternity leave, not the pump.
Pumps are not inefficient! I can easily get 4-7 ounces of breast milk out in about 10 minutes of pumping with my double electric pump, some moms do even better than this. I do breathing exercises, look at pictures of my baby, think milk, imagine my baby breastfeeding, and the milk flows. It takes some practice, but it works. I worked a 12 hour shift and was away from my baby for about 14 hours and was able to do it in two pumping sessions about 6 hours apart. I had to pump a little longer, but I easily got out about 15 ounces total from both sessions. My breasts were very full, but it totally worked. Even the craziest work schedule, I believe, is manageable. I should have done 3 pumping sessions, but I simply didn't want to.
If your pump isn't working, you might need different sized flanges, new parts, a better pump, or a newer pump. Mine once wasn't working and it turned out I had a ripped valve I needed to replace (HINT: Keep replacement parts in your pump bag).
So can we please stop hating on the breast pumps? They are sometimes the only reason a mother is able to breastfeed. I personally have never met a breastfeeding mother who has told me she never pumps.
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