I have a lot of fears and anxiety. My world is ruled by them way too much. I'm working on dealing with this and think I've done pretty well. I rarely get full blown panic attacks anymore, for instance.
Today I looked deep inside myself and realized I had a big fears about ending breastfeeding. I'm not quitting, but I've come to a point where I really need to start the slow process of scaling back, mostly with pumping. And this is scary.
I breastfeed. It's what I do. It's the main aspect of my mothering. My son nurses a lot and we have this really great breastfeeding relationship and it makes my life really easy. No need to prepare snacks, just get out the boob. I do give my son solids, but when I'm around, breast milk straight from the tap is still a big winner. I'm very proud of what I overcame to acheive this relationship, I didn't overcome a huge amount, but I had struggles and had to learn a lot of new things.
But I don't need to pump every time I'm away from him. I got really freaked out when I ran my first 5K. I freaked out about being able to pump, but you know what? I was totally fine. I did try to pump a little, but got barely anything... and it was OK, he was 13 months old after all. My supply is well established now. It will be fine for me to go a 9 hour work shift without pumping. We can do this.
And I feel panicky, because this is all I know. Or at least it feels this way. My baby is growing up. Actually he's not a baby anymore, he's a walking toddler. I have to trust that he will be fine without breast milk while away from me. I know this sounds silly, but this is actually hard. This pump has been my connection to him while I'm away. It's been annoying sometimes, but mostly awesome.
I am excited too. I'm excited to enter the next phase, to not have to worry about the pump. To see my child move a small step away from me. My husband will like not having to wash the pumping supplies. Before I know it, he'll be eating way more solids and drinking well from a cup and bottles will disappear. So far, this kid has improved with age and gotten easier every month for the most part. I can do a load of laundry without him crying by the door now. We usually just have one wake up for a minute at night. And I feel ease instead of anxiety when I leave him with a sitter.
I was out of my mind a year ago and now I feel like I'm finding sanity with motherhood. Everything is moving along well. I can do this. This is a small step along the path to eventual weaning, I don't know exactly how it will go, but every child weans eventually. My goal is still 24 months and then we'll see.
And here we go... starting to wean off the pump.
No comments:
Post a Comment