I'm hoping this is all from the pregnancy hormones.
Today started out OK. I made banana, peanut butter pancakes; they were good. I commented to Brent that the towels still hadn't been brought up from the basement. This is somewhat of a long story. I asked him to do this a couple weeks ago, and he did, except the towels were still wet. So I sent him and the towels back downstairs to put them in for another half hour. Then we both forgot about them. Until we ran out of towels about a week ago and I said, "hey, whatever happened to those towels I asked you to bring up?" "Oh yeah, they are down there still, in a basket." Said Brent. "Can you get them please?" Then again we both forgot about them and a day or two would pass and I would remember them again, and ask him to bring them up, until today, when I completely lost it.
It built up slowly, first as an annoyance, but soon it was a full-blown crying episode where I felt completely betrayed by Brent over... towels. "What is it with the towels? Did I not ask nice enough? Are you afraid I will criticize how you bring up the towels? Do you think washing towels is ridiculous, so if I want clean towels, I have to do all the work? What?" His explanation was simply, "it didn't seem that urgent." Which is true, clearly our lives continued for two whole weeks without any clean towels. So this just made me feel even crazier. Plus it wasn't that I couldn't go get the towels myself, it's just that at this point it's safer for him to be hauling a basket up two flights of stairs, and I asked him nicely and he never said he wouldn't do it. Had he said, "no, I'm not getting the towels! You get them," it would be different and we would have a completely different problem, but he never said no.
We decided a walk around the Mall of America was what I needed, and we even did some shopping for a couple maternity pants. Exercise is good, it made me feel high for a little bit. All those endorphins. Then we got frozen yogurt. I thought I would be safe with frozen yogurt, and only adding nuts and fruit as toppings, but it gave me this nasty sugar high followed by a fall full of anxiety. I have experienced this before during pregnancy, and it's always after I eat something full of sugar. Sugar just affects me more strongly right now. Hopefully I'm not coming down with gestational diabetes.
Which is another thing, why does the test for gestational diabetes involve drinking a sugar-filled beverage? I really, really, don't want to drink that crap. I know I will feel like crap after. I'm hoping there is some other way to test it, because I just might skip it out of fear.
I had some candy before leaving work the other day and was expecting Brent to be home, and when he wasn't, I lost it again, and locked myself in the bathroom before calling him. I blamed the sugar on it, I was high and anxious. I also blame the pregnancy hormones.
So, although these episodes have been few and far between, I'm definitely feeling a bit more crazy sometimes, I hope it doesn't get worse. Our baby boy will be most susceptible to my stress chemicals in the third trimester and can get stressed himself. So, I need to find a balance of food and back rubs that will keep me more calm. We're heading to Miami next weekend and going on a short cruise, so that should help too.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Strange pregnancy things for me
I've read a lot about the symptoms of pregnancy, mostly I have learned that anything goes. Everyone is different. But here is my list of cool or annoying things or things other people talk about that I haven't had yet.
1. No constipation yet! This is great. I know I still have a good four months to go, but I've already made it more than halfway without feeling too icky in the bowels. My digestive track has slowed way down and sometimes I'll have a few days with little movement, but then it will all get caught up in the following couple days. In more icky terms, sometimes I won't poo for two days, but then poo three to four times a day for two days, then have regular poos for a few weeks. Really, very few complaints on my end as far as bowels go.
2. My skin is so clear! It's not perfectly clear, but I'm someone who still gets a decent amount of acne, I slathered on the acne medication weeks before the wedding, hoping for some clear skin, and I mostly got it, but now I get my mostly clear skin by doing... nothing. I literally do nothing, I haven't washed my face in five months. Acne medication is theorized to be bad for a fetus, so I should be skipping it anyway, but the fact that I have clear skin sure helps the decision.
3. My hair is so dry! On the other end I think my hair is worse, but it might just be the dryer skin mixing with the dry air making my hair more dry and fly-away. I'm also really not temped at this time to spend money on hair cuts and coloring, so I've cut my own bangs once and that's about it. At some point I might break down and hire a pro to cut my hair, but until then, you'll see more blah hair or ponytails.
4. OMG Heartburn! Heartburn started for me a week or two after conception. I'll go a day without it, but if I eat anything remotely spicy or greasy or if I eat too much at once or drink to quickly or not enough, or it's been a while since I ate, I get heartburn. And I love spicy food too much to give it up entirely yet. I have learned that doughnuts will hurt for a good hour afterward, so I'm going to skip those for now.
5. Weight gain is not steady! So far I've packed on the most weight in month 2 (because I only felt good when I ate) and month 4. Actually I think it was week 14 that I shot up 7 pounds. Most weeks I gain the recommended one pound a week, but sometimes there are spikes for no reason. Two weeks ago my scale ran out of batteries and we have neglected to change them, so the weigh in at the clinic next week will be as much of a surprise to the nurse as I. Overall I think I'm looking to gain about 40 to 50 pounds. I once heard of a woman who gained 60 pounds, but only had 15 left of it after the birth, so big drops are possible at birth, I can root for that, but I have a feeling I've gained more fat than baby and amniotic fluids at this point.
6. I've felt more calm than crazy! I've had my crazy moments, like when I was eating dinner at the Midtown Global Market and a very thin women who was about as pregnant as I walked by and all I could do was cry. I held it in until I got to the bathroom, then I cried all the way to the car and for some of the journey to the grocery store. But for the most part I've felt a sense of calm and well being, even a little high on the hormones. Sometimes I feel like nothing would phase me. Almost like I've been doped with some kind of mild Benzo. This makes me more forgetful and day-dreamy.
7. No specific cravings yet! My first trimester I craved any and all food as long as it was edible. I had a few aversions to things without much calories (like vegetables). But now I'm definitely more hungry, but I can eat whatever I want and I don't feel a strong pull towards things. However, I have fallen pray to the feelings of, "I'm pregnant, I can have a second or third cookie!" I've been doing better with that, but sometimes the hunger is strong and if there are cookies around the office, they will soon be in my belly. I've been trying to bring healthy snacks like apples and oranges and hummus and pita bread to eat instead, it works sometimes.
I have quite a few weeks left for things to change, but over-all I'd say trimester two is a piece of cake.
1. No constipation yet! This is great. I know I still have a good four months to go, but I've already made it more than halfway without feeling too icky in the bowels. My digestive track has slowed way down and sometimes I'll have a few days with little movement, but then it will all get caught up in the following couple days. In more icky terms, sometimes I won't poo for two days, but then poo three to four times a day for two days, then have regular poos for a few weeks. Really, very few complaints on my end as far as bowels go.
2. My skin is so clear! It's not perfectly clear, but I'm someone who still gets a decent amount of acne, I slathered on the acne medication weeks before the wedding, hoping for some clear skin, and I mostly got it, but now I get my mostly clear skin by doing... nothing. I literally do nothing, I haven't washed my face in five months. Acne medication is theorized to be bad for a fetus, so I should be skipping it anyway, but the fact that I have clear skin sure helps the decision.
3. My hair is so dry! On the other end I think my hair is worse, but it might just be the dryer skin mixing with the dry air making my hair more dry and fly-away. I'm also really not temped at this time to spend money on hair cuts and coloring, so I've cut my own bangs once and that's about it. At some point I might break down and hire a pro to cut my hair, but until then, you'll see more blah hair or ponytails.
4. OMG Heartburn! Heartburn started for me a week or two after conception. I'll go a day without it, but if I eat anything remotely spicy or greasy or if I eat too much at once or drink to quickly or not enough, or it's been a while since I ate, I get heartburn. And I love spicy food too much to give it up entirely yet. I have learned that doughnuts will hurt for a good hour afterward, so I'm going to skip those for now.
5. Weight gain is not steady! So far I've packed on the most weight in month 2 (because I only felt good when I ate) and month 4. Actually I think it was week 14 that I shot up 7 pounds. Most weeks I gain the recommended one pound a week, but sometimes there are spikes for no reason. Two weeks ago my scale ran out of batteries and we have neglected to change them, so the weigh in at the clinic next week will be as much of a surprise to the nurse as I. Overall I think I'm looking to gain about 40 to 50 pounds. I once heard of a woman who gained 60 pounds, but only had 15 left of it after the birth, so big drops are possible at birth, I can root for that, but I have a feeling I've gained more fat than baby and amniotic fluids at this point.
6. I've felt more calm than crazy! I've had my crazy moments, like when I was eating dinner at the Midtown Global Market and a very thin women who was about as pregnant as I walked by and all I could do was cry. I held it in until I got to the bathroom, then I cried all the way to the car and for some of the journey to the grocery store. But for the most part I've felt a sense of calm and well being, even a little high on the hormones. Sometimes I feel like nothing would phase me. Almost like I've been doped with some kind of mild Benzo. This makes me more forgetful and day-dreamy.
7. No specific cravings yet! My first trimester I craved any and all food as long as it was edible. I had a few aversions to things without much calories (like vegetables). But now I'm definitely more hungry, but I can eat whatever I want and I don't feel a strong pull towards things. However, I have fallen pray to the feelings of, "I'm pregnant, I can have a second or third cookie!" I've been doing better with that, but sometimes the hunger is strong and if there are cookies around the office, they will soon be in my belly. I've been trying to bring healthy snacks like apples and oranges and hummus and pita bread to eat instead, it works sometimes.
I have quite a few weeks left for things to change, but over-all I'd say trimester two is a piece of cake.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Decent chance of having a boy!
Yesterday we had our anatomy ultrasound and found a penis on our fetus (ha ha! That rhymes!). Although mistakes happen, it looks like we are having a boy. This is exciting. As much as I like to think sex doesn't matter, knowing the sex really helps make this whole thing feel real. I'll be raising a son. It's exciting.
Last night, however, I said, "all we know is that it probably has a penis, for all we know it could be an intersexed child. And I would love it just as much." We're having another ultrasound in five weeks because they couldn't see everything on the first try. I'll probably ask them to look at the sex parts again. I've read so many stories of people being told they were having one sex and then they ended up having the other. It really is the ultrasound tech's best guess and they mess up sometimes. So really, we will probably find out for sure at birth. But even at birth, sometimes it can be hard to tell. Different disorders or genetic abnormalities can make the sex of a baby unknown for a while. These are somewhat rare, but I have heard that 1/100 of us have genitals that are "different." Not necessarily so different you can't tell the sex, but different from the "norm." But really these are relative terms and culturally influenced, hence the quotation marks.
Besides the probable sex, we found out that the spine looks good, the heart looks like it's hooked up correctly, it seems to have two legs and two arms and ten fingers, the stomach is there and on the correct side, it has two kidneys, the brain looks well formed so far, and the umbilical cord is hooked up correctly. Phew!
I highly recommend the ultrasound. It's fun to see and puts your mind at ease. We decided against the Quad Screen to look for a chance of genetic disorders, but I really wanted to make sure the baby had a head and all the right moving parts before birth. I think I could handle finding out it has Downs Syndrom at birth, but having a baby come out with Anencephaly (without a brain) without warning would be traumatizing. Plus it's cool to see the fetus moving around before birth. It's pretty amazing that I have nearly created life without having to do more than eat enough food and take vitamins. Somehow nature figures out how to do the rest.
Last night, however, I said, "all we know is that it probably has a penis, for all we know it could be an intersexed child. And I would love it just as much." We're having another ultrasound in five weeks because they couldn't see everything on the first try. I'll probably ask them to look at the sex parts again. I've read so many stories of people being told they were having one sex and then they ended up having the other. It really is the ultrasound tech's best guess and they mess up sometimes. So really, we will probably find out for sure at birth. But even at birth, sometimes it can be hard to tell. Different disorders or genetic abnormalities can make the sex of a baby unknown for a while. These are somewhat rare, but I have heard that 1/100 of us have genitals that are "different." Not necessarily so different you can't tell the sex, but different from the "norm." But really these are relative terms and culturally influenced, hence the quotation marks.
Besides the probable sex, we found out that the spine looks good, the heart looks like it's hooked up correctly, it seems to have two legs and two arms and ten fingers, the stomach is there and on the correct side, it has two kidneys, the brain looks well formed so far, and the umbilical cord is hooked up correctly. Phew!
I highly recommend the ultrasound. It's fun to see and puts your mind at ease. We decided against the Quad Screen to look for a chance of genetic disorders, but I really wanted to make sure the baby had a head and all the right moving parts before birth. I think I could handle finding out it has Downs Syndrom at birth, but having a baby come out with Anencephaly (without a brain) without warning would be traumatizing. Plus it's cool to see the fetus moving around before birth. It's pretty amazing that I have nearly created life without having to do more than eat enough food and take vitamins. Somehow nature figures out how to do the rest.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Sorry, I'll blame the pregnancy on this one.
My last post really bothered me after reading it later. My first sane thought was, "dude, Andrea, other people are not in charge of your feelings..."
For a few months, even before I got pregnant I've felt really bad when I hear other people complaining about anything about their children. I'm not sure why exactly. My guess is it stirs up things from my own childhood and makes me feel like I'm the child that needs to defend itself. So really, this is my problem, not any other parent's problem out there. I was often brought to tears reading baby books over the summer. This is going to be a very emotional journey for me. Hell, it's an emotional journey for anyone, but even more so for me I think.
I really feel that already I've had to parent myself while I am parenting my child. Reading about children and parenting just intensifies my awareness of my own shortcomings and makes me want to change them even more. I really, really, don't want to mess up my children, but at the same time I really, really, have to watch out for perfectionism. A few nights ago, when Brent and I were cuddling in bed I said simply, "I'm going to need a lot of support."
I'm not going to need advice or ideas, usually; what I'll really need is for people to tell me that everything is OK. This is normal, Andrea.
Normality is something I have struggled with, firstly because I'm not sure what normal looks like, secondly, I had an image of myself for so long of being abnormal, that it's hard to realize that I'm actually, mostly, normal.
I guess the biggest reason that I feel horrible when I hear people complaining about their children is that I have vivid memories of being made to feel like I was a failure as a child. Children pick up on more than most people realize. Some teachers were just horrible, and you have to remember that I was an undiagnosed ADD kid too (most girls with it are). I got the message that things were too hard and I wasn't good enough, so why even try? This message got better over the years but it's something I still struggle with today. I like to think my intelligence helped me; I did well in college, and I can fool the system a bit, but there are lots of things out there that I'd like to be doing, but just never start. It's one of those many shortcomings.
The biggest thing for me will be providing my children with a sense of security. This could mean a lot of pretending. Pretending I'm not mad at Brent, pretending I'm not worried about money, pretending I'm not ready to sell my children. I've got some improv training, I should be able to fake it. Luckily Brent is pretty calm and collected all the time. I think he's snapped at me two times in three and a half years. I can only think of two major "fights" we've had, but they might not have even looked like fights to others.
One was early in our dating and another one revolved around wedding stress (this one probably did look like a fight) to which I said, "I think that was our first fight, honey!" Any other disagreement or snafoo has lasted only a couple minutes. Usually ending with me being angry and quickly forgetting all about it and sometimes apologizing for getting so bent out of shape over something small. But I have a feeling that when you throw kids into the mix, things heat up a bit. The Honeymoon is over. But I have confidence that we won't yell at each other in front of the kids, and we will mostly be affectionate towards each other.
Money worries is another one kids shouldn't have to know about. Obviously sometimes it's hard to hide, but hopefully I raise children that value friendships and activity instead of things. Since I believe that you don't need a lot of money to raise children, in fact I think too much money is a bigger problem sometimes, I think we can come up with cheap and creative ways to entertain the kids. I think my favorite toy when I was a kid was a cardboard box I could fit in. My mom entertained her step-grandchildren for hours with paintbrushes and water (they "painted" the house). I also spent days at the pool when I was a kid. Today pools can only amuse me for about 30 minutes, I wonder what I did for three or four hours, five days a week when I was 9. But I HATED swimming lessons. No one ever taught me how to swim, I just did it. Eventually the water wings came off. Don't ask me to do any strokes, but I can get to the bottom of a pool and back up again.
Anyway, sorry I'm a bit judgmental these days. Parenthood is a huge thing, I guess. Chances are, most of you are doing OK. If not, go get some help, eh? Just like I plan on doing.
For a few months, even before I got pregnant I've felt really bad when I hear other people complaining about anything about their children. I'm not sure why exactly. My guess is it stirs up things from my own childhood and makes me feel like I'm the child that needs to defend itself. So really, this is my problem, not any other parent's problem out there. I was often brought to tears reading baby books over the summer. This is going to be a very emotional journey for me. Hell, it's an emotional journey for anyone, but even more so for me I think.
I really feel that already I've had to parent myself while I am parenting my child. Reading about children and parenting just intensifies my awareness of my own shortcomings and makes me want to change them even more. I really, really, don't want to mess up my children, but at the same time I really, really, have to watch out for perfectionism. A few nights ago, when Brent and I were cuddling in bed I said simply, "I'm going to need a lot of support."
I'm not going to need advice or ideas, usually; what I'll really need is for people to tell me that everything is OK. This is normal, Andrea.
Normality is something I have struggled with, firstly because I'm not sure what normal looks like, secondly, I had an image of myself for so long of being abnormal, that it's hard to realize that I'm actually, mostly, normal.
I guess the biggest reason that I feel horrible when I hear people complaining about their children is that I have vivid memories of being made to feel like I was a failure as a child. Children pick up on more than most people realize. Some teachers were just horrible, and you have to remember that I was an undiagnosed ADD kid too (most girls with it are). I got the message that things were too hard and I wasn't good enough, so why even try? This message got better over the years but it's something I still struggle with today. I like to think my intelligence helped me; I did well in college, and I can fool the system a bit, but there are lots of things out there that I'd like to be doing, but just never start. It's one of those many shortcomings.
The biggest thing for me will be providing my children with a sense of security. This could mean a lot of pretending. Pretending I'm not mad at Brent, pretending I'm not worried about money, pretending I'm not ready to sell my children. I've got some improv training, I should be able to fake it. Luckily Brent is pretty calm and collected all the time. I think he's snapped at me two times in three and a half years. I can only think of two major "fights" we've had, but they might not have even looked like fights to others.
One was early in our dating and another one revolved around wedding stress (this one probably did look like a fight) to which I said, "I think that was our first fight, honey!" Any other disagreement or snafoo has lasted only a couple minutes. Usually ending with me being angry and quickly forgetting all about it and sometimes apologizing for getting so bent out of shape over something small. But I have a feeling that when you throw kids into the mix, things heat up a bit. The Honeymoon is over. But I have confidence that we won't yell at each other in front of the kids, and we will mostly be affectionate towards each other.
Money worries is another one kids shouldn't have to know about. Obviously sometimes it's hard to hide, but hopefully I raise children that value friendships and activity instead of things. Since I believe that you don't need a lot of money to raise children, in fact I think too much money is a bigger problem sometimes, I think we can come up with cheap and creative ways to entertain the kids. I think my favorite toy when I was a kid was a cardboard box I could fit in. My mom entertained her step-grandchildren for hours with paintbrushes and water (they "painted" the house). I also spent days at the pool when I was a kid. Today pools can only amuse me for about 30 minutes, I wonder what I did for three or four hours, five days a week when I was 9. But I HATED swimming lessons. No one ever taught me how to swim, I just did it. Eventually the water wings came off. Don't ask me to do any strokes, but I can get to the bottom of a pool and back up again.
Anyway, sorry I'm a bit judgmental these days. Parenthood is a huge thing, I guess. Chances are, most of you are doing OK. If not, go get some help, eh? Just like I plan on doing.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Results Usually Correlate to Expectations
The fact that results or outcomes usually reflect the expectations people had from the beginning is something I've been thinking about a lot recently. It's not something I would have really believed in ten years ago. I used to think attitude was kind of bullshit. Now I'm convinced it's really important and everyone can do something about it.
I mean, it even sounds dumb in my head to say, "if you put your mind to it, you can do anything." That's not exactly what I mean. There are limits to everything, but these limits can be pushed and can change and are sometimes limits that are worth fighting for. Desire to do anything is the first step.
Right now I'm getting a lot of feedback about childbirth. Most of it negative, whether it be from acquaintances or very good friends, everyone seems to think it's painful and disgusting. Now, I've never experienced it before, but from the videos I've seen and then books I've read, it doesn't seem that bad. I've also heard that the more painful you think childbirth will be the more painful it will be. Your expectation of childbirth will be what you experience. So now's the time to convince myself it's not that bad. And to try to tune out all the voices around me saying how horrible it is.
Why do people do this? It's not just giving birth, it seems like it's everything about baby care or raising children. The majority see it as some horrible thing you have to go through; losing sleep, lots of crying, tantrums, feeding, all of it is awful I am told. Geez, why did you have kids then? Then there's the people that go, "kids are great, but... (something terrible about having kids that warns others against having them)" To me this is horrible, can you imagine this sentence tacked on to anything else you are supposed to love? "My spouse is great, but... (something horrible about your spouse that warns people against getting married)" If you went around saying that, people would advise you to get counseling or maybe a trial separation.
Maybe I'm living it la la land, but I think if there is a problem, you can find a solution so you don't go around warning others about having children. Whether it's getting help or simply changing your attitude a bit. I'm pregnant with probably a viable fetus that will grow up into an adult; I'm in this for the long haul. Telling me how hard it is going to be and how awful only makes me wonder what is wrong with you. Makes me wonder why you want to discourage a new mother. The world would be a better place if we had higher expectations about childbirth and children. Can we please try to think progressively and forwardly and positively when dealing with the new members of our society?
Maybe if we saw raising children as a wonderful thing it would seem a bit more wonderful.
I mean, it even sounds dumb in my head to say, "if you put your mind to it, you can do anything." That's not exactly what I mean. There are limits to everything, but these limits can be pushed and can change and are sometimes limits that are worth fighting for. Desire to do anything is the first step.
Right now I'm getting a lot of feedback about childbirth. Most of it negative, whether it be from acquaintances or very good friends, everyone seems to think it's painful and disgusting. Now, I've never experienced it before, but from the videos I've seen and then books I've read, it doesn't seem that bad. I've also heard that the more painful you think childbirth will be the more painful it will be. Your expectation of childbirth will be what you experience. So now's the time to convince myself it's not that bad. And to try to tune out all the voices around me saying how horrible it is.
Why do people do this? It's not just giving birth, it seems like it's everything about baby care or raising children. The majority see it as some horrible thing you have to go through; losing sleep, lots of crying, tantrums, feeding, all of it is awful I am told. Geez, why did you have kids then? Then there's the people that go, "kids are great, but... (something terrible about having kids that warns others against having them)" To me this is horrible, can you imagine this sentence tacked on to anything else you are supposed to love? "My spouse is great, but... (something horrible about your spouse that warns people against getting married)" If you went around saying that, people would advise you to get counseling or maybe a trial separation.
Maybe I'm living it la la land, but I think if there is a problem, you can find a solution so you don't go around warning others about having children. Whether it's getting help or simply changing your attitude a bit. I'm pregnant with probably a viable fetus that will grow up into an adult; I'm in this for the long haul. Telling me how hard it is going to be and how awful only makes me wonder what is wrong with you. Makes me wonder why you want to discourage a new mother. The world would be a better place if we had higher expectations about childbirth and children. Can we please try to think progressively and forwardly and positively when dealing with the new members of our society?
Maybe if we saw raising children as a wonderful thing it would seem a bit more wonderful.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Lies and Santa Claus
I'm nearly finished with the book "Lies My Teacher Told Me." It's an excellent book about how badly American History is taught and why students everywhere hate it. Basically, American history textbooks and biased at best and untruthful at worst. I highly recommend this book, it makes history fun because it simply tells the truth.
It really got me thinking about lies children are told. The first one I thought of is that parents often tell their children that they grew inside their tummy before they were born. I personally hate this. Fetuses grow in uteruses (uteri?)! It confused me as a child, I thought this meant that babies grew in stomachs. There is no reason for this illusion, if a child is asking where it came from, it's old enough to know about the uterus and the basics of sexual reproduction. "Tummy" is more confusing than "uterus." There are several books out there about "where I came from."
Then this got me thinking more and you know what, I can't think of anything worth lying to a child about. For one, children often remember the lies they are told, and figure out they were lied to. I can remember a few and my friends have told me stories about things teachers or parents said that were total lies that they actually took to heart. Then when we figure out later that we were lied to, it either makes us angry or confused, and certainly doesn't make us trust our parents very well.
Children aren't so good with humor or sarcasm, or filtering out real threats from fake ones. But eventually they figure it out; it might be years later, but they do.
What about normal childhood things like Santa Claus?
Well, I never bought into Santa. I was about 4 years old when I told my mom that I knew she was Santa Claus, and the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy. Actually I never quite bought any crap about fairies, angels, dragons, ghosts, or any other super-natural thing. But Santa and the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy all continued to visit me for years, actually Santa still comes to visit me. So what will we do?
For one thing, we are atheists; I'm not sure how much Christmas celebration there will be outside of our own family stuff. Even Brent and I, this year, nearly didn't get each other presents. I told Brent exactly what to buy me, and then I got him a couple sweaters. Then everyone else got him sweaters... I think next year we might skip our gift exchange. This year I spent the big bucks on the kids in our family and gave all the adults little things. I figured its the kids who really want something, us adults have too much stuff already.
And I'm definitely not going to say that Santa sees all you are doing and judges whether you've been bad or good. Makes Santa look like an asshole peeping-Tom. No, my children will learn that there are no super-natural beings that watch them and judge them, which includes any sort of spirit or god. Brent and I don't buy it, I never bought any of it, Brent remembers believing in Santa, but never in God, so why would our children?
When unexplained things happen I remember that science still has not fully explored the universe or the human mind and probably won't in my lifetime. My children will learn to be skeptical of those who seem to know all the answers. "Santa" may be something we talk about, but I won't push them into believing that he really exists.
And I hope that when my children ask a question, even if it is a hard one, I will try to help them find the answer. I also refuse to spoon feed knowledge into them. Most inquiries like "what is the moon made out of?" are best answered with, "what do you think?" I use this line at work a lot. The people I work with (adults with developmental disabilities) are very used to people just telling them the answers and used to people repeating stuff over and over again, even if they already know it. "You tell me," is a favorite line of mine, and 9 times out of 10 they can tell me. I hate to say it, but there are stupid questions, stupid questions that come out of smart people. And I wonder how it got that way, and I think it's because the people I work with aren't taught to trust their own knowledge. They think they need support for every little thing, and they really don't. People actually shine the most when you do nothing and just step back and let them figure it out.
It really got me thinking about lies children are told. The first one I thought of is that parents often tell their children that they grew inside their tummy before they were born. I personally hate this. Fetuses grow in uteruses (uteri?)! It confused me as a child, I thought this meant that babies grew in stomachs. There is no reason for this illusion, if a child is asking where it came from, it's old enough to know about the uterus and the basics of sexual reproduction. "Tummy" is more confusing than "uterus." There are several books out there about "where I came from."
Then this got me thinking more and you know what, I can't think of anything worth lying to a child about. For one, children often remember the lies they are told, and figure out they were lied to. I can remember a few and my friends have told me stories about things teachers or parents said that were total lies that they actually took to heart. Then when we figure out later that we were lied to, it either makes us angry or confused, and certainly doesn't make us trust our parents very well.
Children aren't so good with humor or sarcasm, or filtering out real threats from fake ones. But eventually they figure it out; it might be years later, but they do.
What about normal childhood things like Santa Claus?
Well, I never bought into Santa. I was about 4 years old when I told my mom that I knew she was Santa Claus, and the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy. Actually I never quite bought any crap about fairies, angels, dragons, ghosts, or any other super-natural thing. But Santa and the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy all continued to visit me for years, actually Santa still comes to visit me. So what will we do?
For one thing, we are atheists; I'm not sure how much Christmas celebration there will be outside of our own family stuff. Even Brent and I, this year, nearly didn't get each other presents. I told Brent exactly what to buy me, and then I got him a couple sweaters. Then everyone else got him sweaters... I think next year we might skip our gift exchange. This year I spent the big bucks on the kids in our family and gave all the adults little things. I figured its the kids who really want something, us adults have too much stuff already.
And I'm definitely not going to say that Santa sees all you are doing and judges whether you've been bad or good. Makes Santa look like an asshole peeping-Tom. No, my children will learn that there are no super-natural beings that watch them and judge them, which includes any sort of spirit or god. Brent and I don't buy it, I never bought any of it, Brent remembers believing in Santa, but never in God, so why would our children?
When unexplained things happen I remember that science still has not fully explored the universe or the human mind and probably won't in my lifetime. My children will learn to be skeptical of those who seem to know all the answers. "Santa" may be something we talk about, but I won't push them into believing that he really exists.
And I hope that when my children ask a question, even if it is a hard one, I will try to help them find the answer. I also refuse to spoon feed knowledge into them. Most inquiries like "what is the moon made out of?" are best answered with, "what do you think?" I use this line at work a lot. The people I work with (adults with developmental disabilities) are very used to people just telling them the answers and used to people repeating stuff over and over again, even if they already know it. "You tell me," is a favorite line of mine, and 9 times out of 10 they can tell me. I hate to say it, but there are stupid questions, stupid questions that come out of smart people. And I wonder how it got that way, and I think it's because the people I work with aren't taught to trust their own knowledge. They think they need support for every little thing, and they really don't. People actually shine the most when you do nothing and just step back and let them figure it out.
Monday, January 10, 2011
No, For Real, I Don't Want To Use Diapers
Probably one of the most unique things I want to do with my children is to practice Natural Infant Hygiene or Elimination Communication (called EC from here out because that's what most people call it).
EC is basically going without diapers. Most people's reaction to this is confusion, my first reaction was sheer joy and amazement. I stumbled upon a book by Ingrid Bauer called "Diaper Free" about a year ago and have been excited to try it ever since. The book is very good, besides a couple paragraphs where she writes a couple non-truths about polio vaccines. But I'm not here to talk about vaccines.
I'm here to talk about skipping toilet training and dirty diapers! To me this benefit far out ways the possibility of getting peed or pooped on or getting the couch peed or pooped on. First of all, pee and poop aren't that bad. To me what is bad is diaper rash and wiping poop off of someone's behind. Also the landfills full of diapers and countless loads of laundry for cloth diapers. Secondly, while most people seem to think EC is going to be "OMG so super hard!" I don't think it seems that bad. I've read the book cover to cover a couple times now and frequently re-read parts of it when I'm feeling discouraged by others. It sounds easy to me.
Much like the goal of breastfeeding isn't weaning, and the goal of education isn't getting grades; the goal of EC isn't toilet independence. Toilet independence is often a natural end result of EC; usually much earlier too, between one and two years of age. But the actual goal of EC is to better communicate with your child.
Now that I have read a bunch on EC, I'm amazed when parents say, "he's filling his diaper now," and don't do anything about it. Even if you just eliminated the diapers you knew were coming (parent's often know when a poop is coming), you would save hundreds of diapers over a lifetime. Clearly your child has sent clues that he is going to poop and you are completely ignoring them! Most people pee first thing int he morning too, people could easily eliminate that one diaper a day without much thought. There is no biological or developmental reason why a baby has to go potty in their pants, then suddenly around age two has to go in a toilet.
In fact, before the so called "experts" started writing about toilet training, many mothers did some version of EC, even here in the USA. And the majority of the rest of the world practices EC; babies aren't diapered in much of the imperialized ("3rd") world. Diapering a child until age two or three or even four or five is a relatively new phenomenon. As is putting a child in a crib, formula feeding, and giving birth in a hospital, but we'll talk about these later.
The basics of EC is that the baby never learns to just go in their pants. Babies have control over their bladders and bowels, it's through diapering that they learn to ignore these controls and learn instead to pee and poop in their clothes. Baby signals it has to pee or poop and a caregiver brings them to a potty or a potty to them, gives a cuing noise and baby releases it's pee or poop.
So what's my plan, you say? Firstly, before I even try this, I want to make sure breastfeeding is well established and going well, this could mean putting it off for a few days or weeks. Breastfeeding is more important to me than EC. I will probably bring cloth diapers to the hospital with me. Basically cuing is the first step, which means keeping baby naked and close to me and cuing it whenever it pees or poops. This is what I will do before I'm able to pick up on any cues the baby might be giving me. Baby will probably pee in a small potty or other container that I will keep near me, or on to whatever puddle pad or washable item I have near me. Baby will be easier to clean off if it's naked than if a diaper was holding the pee and poo against its body.
After a while, hopefully I will have picked up on some cues, otherwise I will cue baby at even intervals over a potty and see if she eliminates. I may not do it at night for the first few weeks when babies pee more frequently, but as baby gets older he will pee less frequently at night and it therefore shouldn't be that hard, if it is, then baby will be in diapers at night. Probably I will have her in a cloth diaper and on top of some absorbent pads and a protective pad to protect the mattress. If I pick up on cues at night I'll just take off the diaper and pee the baby and put him back down.
Since I doubt I would use disposable diapers even if traditionally diapering, this really shouldn't be much more to wash than cloth diapers. Yes, occasionally the floor or my pants or a chair will get peed on, this is a normal part of EC, but if this is really the worst that can happen, I think the benefits well outweigh this one minor problem.
It helps that none of our furniture or rugs are expensive and all of our flooring is plastic! Heck, we can put the rugs away for a while if we want to.
EC is basically going without diapers. Most people's reaction to this is confusion, my first reaction was sheer joy and amazement. I stumbled upon a book by Ingrid Bauer called "Diaper Free" about a year ago and have been excited to try it ever since. The book is very good, besides a couple paragraphs where she writes a couple non-truths about polio vaccines. But I'm not here to talk about vaccines.
I'm here to talk about skipping toilet training and dirty diapers! To me this benefit far out ways the possibility of getting peed or pooped on or getting the couch peed or pooped on. First of all, pee and poop aren't that bad. To me what is bad is diaper rash and wiping poop off of someone's behind. Also the landfills full of diapers and countless loads of laundry for cloth diapers. Secondly, while most people seem to think EC is going to be "OMG so super hard!" I don't think it seems that bad. I've read the book cover to cover a couple times now and frequently re-read parts of it when I'm feeling discouraged by others. It sounds easy to me.
Much like the goal of breastfeeding isn't weaning, and the goal of education isn't getting grades; the goal of EC isn't toilet independence. Toilet independence is often a natural end result of EC; usually much earlier too, between one and two years of age. But the actual goal of EC is to better communicate with your child.
Now that I have read a bunch on EC, I'm amazed when parents say, "he's filling his diaper now," and don't do anything about it. Even if you just eliminated the diapers you knew were coming (parent's often know when a poop is coming), you would save hundreds of diapers over a lifetime. Clearly your child has sent clues that he is going to poop and you are completely ignoring them! Most people pee first thing int he morning too, people could easily eliminate that one diaper a day without much thought. There is no biological or developmental reason why a baby has to go potty in their pants, then suddenly around age two has to go in a toilet.
In fact, before the so called "experts" started writing about toilet training, many mothers did some version of EC, even here in the USA. And the majority of the rest of the world practices EC; babies aren't diapered in much of the imperialized ("3rd") world. Diapering a child until age two or three or even four or five is a relatively new phenomenon. As is putting a child in a crib, formula feeding, and giving birth in a hospital, but we'll talk about these later.
The basics of EC is that the baby never learns to just go in their pants. Babies have control over their bladders and bowels, it's through diapering that they learn to ignore these controls and learn instead to pee and poop in their clothes. Baby signals it has to pee or poop and a caregiver brings them to a potty or a potty to them, gives a cuing noise and baby releases it's pee or poop.
So what's my plan, you say? Firstly, before I even try this, I want to make sure breastfeeding is well established and going well, this could mean putting it off for a few days or weeks. Breastfeeding is more important to me than EC. I will probably bring cloth diapers to the hospital with me. Basically cuing is the first step, which means keeping baby naked and close to me and cuing it whenever it pees or poops. This is what I will do before I'm able to pick up on any cues the baby might be giving me. Baby will probably pee in a small potty or other container that I will keep near me, or on to whatever puddle pad or washable item I have near me. Baby will be easier to clean off if it's naked than if a diaper was holding the pee and poo against its body.
After a while, hopefully I will have picked up on some cues, otherwise I will cue baby at even intervals over a potty and see if she eliminates. I may not do it at night for the first few weeks when babies pee more frequently, but as baby gets older he will pee less frequently at night and it therefore shouldn't be that hard, if it is, then baby will be in diapers at night. Probably I will have her in a cloth diaper and on top of some absorbent pads and a protective pad to protect the mattress. If I pick up on cues at night I'll just take off the diaper and pee the baby and put him back down.
Since I doubt I would use disposable diapers even if traditionally diapering, this really shouldn't be much more to wash than cloth diapers. Yes, occasionally the floor or my pants or a chair will get peed on, this is a normal part of EC, but if this is really the worst that can happen, I think the benefits well outweigh this one minor problem.
It helps that none of our furniture or rugs are expensive and all of our flooring is plastic! Heck, we can put the rugs away for a while if we want to.
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