Now that I am at the six month mark of being post partum I feel like I can finally look back and try to really see if everything was better this time. And contemplate why, or why not.
It was better, but it doesn't mean it wasn't also kind of bad. I still got the anxiety and the depression. I still felt suicidal a couple times. I flat out told my husband they better go find another mother, because I was done. Luckily those extremes only lasted about 30 mins at a time, but the extreme lows, where I really did want to leave my family behind because they were better off without me anyway, they happened.
But at the six months mark, it doesn't seem to matter. I was post partum, that was my normal for post partum. I still took good care of my kids, I didn't leave. I had much more help this time, more visitors, Brent took 5 weeks off of work. And I expected much less of myself. I expected to not do much besides keep the kids alive for the day. That helped. That was enough. That felt like enough. Some of the time.
And when it didn't the anxiety would creep in and I would know that I was fucking every thing up. Everything. And then I would take Klonopin, and suddenly not feel like I was fucking up everything. I could live. Sometimes I would put it off, and believe that I could be stronger than Klonopin, I could over come this with the power of my own mind. And then I would fail, and feel worse. And eventually be telling myself, "Andrea, you dumbass! You are NOT stronger than Klonopin! No one is stronger than Klonopin!"
But at the six month mark, I can honestly say I can't remember the last time I took Klonopin. It's possibly been a whole month now without it. I know I will take it again some day, as I have on and off for the last 15 years of my life. I'm finally accepting that this is probably who I am for the long haul. A woman with anxiety that creeps in every few months. Klonopin is an old drug, it's cheap, I sometimes wonder if the manufacturer will just stop making it someday, then what? Xanax made me MORE anxious, and basically made me never want to try any other med ever. I might not need it for another six months, maybe more, but I will need it again, and that's OK.
I entirely blame hormones on the post partum stuff. I remember saying many times when my first was a baby that the baby was totally fine, but it was all this other crap that was awful. The baby was never a problem. Both my babies were pretty easy. But life was not easy. I was not easy.
And it was less this time, still present, but the intensity was turned down. And even with my first I claimed that being pregnant was worse. Though, it wasn't really worse, just different, more physical symptoms. If anything, pregnancy taught me that I never want to lose function of my body, I never want to be disabled in some way. It made me want to take really good care of my body so I can always have control over it. In some ways this is a futile effort, as age, will someday slow me down, but I want this to be a long time from now.
I was not easy. I was so not a good friend when my first child was born. I couldn't be. I could sometimes find the energy to kind of care a little about my husband, but otherwise it was just me and the baby. I rememeber hanging out with friends during this time and just feeling like I was so incredibly boring and self-centered. And I really couldn't be anything else. I was ill. You can't be mentally ill and then also be charming and empathetic and a good listener. Not when you are deep down in it. And this only adds to the self-loathing. Crap, now I'm a bad friend too. What you find is your good friends are able to ride it out with you. Then months later they are like, "oh there you are!"
My words of advice to other new moms?
Your hormones are awful, but they aren't you, they are infecting you temporarily. Think of them like a nasty virus. They need treatment of some kind. If you have the anxiety kind, for godsake take some kind of benzo! You will feel better, and you can safely breastfeed on almost every med. You are not more powerful than your hormones! You cannot think your way out of your hormones. You cannot beat this alone!
I don't plan on ever having another post partum period. I think I did pretty well with this one considering. I enjoyed it more. I didn't freak out about going back to work. I didn't quit my job. I was ok about doing less. I accepted reality more. I slept better. I asked for more help when I needed it. I think maybe I grasped some of that bliss we are all hoping to find when our babies arrive.
