The Moment You Were Born, I Was Born

I've been thinking a lot about giving birth.  Above is the first picture ever taken of my son, probably within a minute of his birth.  That's me with my boobs awkwardly uncovered (next time I'm getting completely topless).  That's my husband's arm around me.  That's some nurse whose name I don't think I ever knew.  My doula is holding the camera. 

I remember this moment like nothing else.  I didn't cry.  I was in amazement.  I smiled.  I was forever changed.  I was born in that moment.  The moment my son was born, I was born.  What is truly amazing is that I did it, like so many women before me, without ever doing it before.  You can't really prepare for giving birth.  You can read books and take classes, which I recommend.  But yours will go differently and you won't really be prepared. 

Mine didn't go as planned.  First of all I thought I would be more conscious than I was, but after my water broke about 8 hours before he was born, time and actions and people and places are a total blur.  I needed a lot of support, I couldn't call the shots, I needed my doula and the nurses to tell me what to do, what position to get into.  I was only able to turn inward and cope with the pain and then push when I felt like pushing, everything else needed to done by someone else.  My doula made sure I got water, a nurse got me juice, they told me when to try the bathroom, and Brent told me that I could do it, I could birth.  I had no energy for these things and I'm grateful for the support I had. 

I also couldn't get in the water and I know it sounds silly, but I mourn the loss of my warm tub of water.  I think I had to go through a lot more pain than I needed to because I wasn't allowed in the tub.  But in the end, I gave birth without drugs or interventions, which was my first priority.  And I'm not against drugs or interventions when the women is informed and makes a choice about it, but I wonder sometimes if others have had this moment in the picture above; the clarity, the awe, the moment of birth.  Nothing else in the entire world mattered in this moment.

And isn't that kind of what becoming a mom is about?  Nothing really matters besides your children.  If the kids are OK, then the world is OK.  I feel like I would have another child simply to have this moment again, that is how amazing it was.  The moment of birth is enough to make the pregnancy, the labor, the post partum hell all worth it.  I didn't cry when he was born, but looking back on it I do; tears of pure, unstoppable joy. 

And the next moment after the one pictured above (a few minutes later), I breastfed for the first time.

 

And I haven't stopped in five months.

Get Your Shots! Please...

I try to not do anything regarding parenthood without researching it a bit and really getting in tune with my gut feeling.  Vaccines were something I kind of bounced around with when I was pregnant and a little after.  I bounced around because a lot of the stuff I do, like not circumcising, breastfeeding, co-sleeping, baby wearing, cloth diapering, and elimination communication are grouped into this Natural Parenting category and a lot of those sites and books talk about how horrible vaccines are. 

So I did some reading and parents claim the vaccines cause so many things that I just can't find any real evidence for.  I'm not saying it's not possible that vaccines can ruin immune systems (hey vaccines do affect immune systems fundamentally), but I've gotten all my vaccines and recently had to get re-vaccinated against a couple things that didn't take the first time, and as far as I know, I'm pretty healthy.

I realize that "me" is a small sample size.  But I think the majority of babies get vaccinated today and the majority are just fine. 

To imagine a world without vaccines all you have to do is to talk with people like my grandparents who remember the days when kids were paralyzed by polio, who had several kids come down with the measles, who had family members get whooping cough very young.  The diseases these vaccines protect against are very real and can be deadly.  I decided that the small risk of vaccination was less than the risk of my baby possibly getting one of these possibly deadly diseases. 

There are some people that can't get vaccines.  A good example is babies and young children too young for certain vaccines.  Some people are also allergic to some of the ingredients in the vaccines.  Some people have other medical complications that make vaccines more dangerous.  But there is this amazing, amazing, amazing thing called the herd effect.  The herd effect is when about 85% of the population is vaccinated against a certain illness the risk of the illness for the entire population is nearly 0%.  This means that if 85% of you went out and got your flu vaccines my little baby, who is too young for the flu vaccine, would still be protected against it. 

This is why there was such a drop in things like whooping cough and German measles and polio, because a good 85% of people were vaccinated against these illnesses in the United States. 

Getting yourself vaccinated and your healthy children who can get the vaccines vaccinated not only protects them, it protects those who would get vaccinated if they could, but can't.  I'm not only protecting Cedric from these diseases, I'm protecting the babies out there who are too young or too ill. 

If this anti-vaccine craze continues for too long it could have devastating effects on our over all public health. 

That being said we did opt out of a couple things.  We didn't get him the Hep B vaccine yet.  From what I've read, Hep B is so rarely picked up by babies and young children.  We decided to get him the Hep B vaccine before he is sexually active (when he could actually catch it).  Since they get so many vaccines this first year, we figured putting off one would be good. 

We also refused the E-mycin in the eyes after birth because it also seemed unnecessary since I didn't have any STIs.  This one we got some guff for in the hospital and had to refuse it several times before they left us alone.  I wanted to say something like, "look, I'm a smart person who researches this stuff and I don't want it!" 

So my unwelcome advice is to get the vaccines that make sense for your family, delay them if you want to, but really, if your child can handle them, it's really a great thing to do for them and those who don't have a choice in vaccinating. 

Happiness is a warm baby by your side

I have not updated in a while.  Because I went back to work full time, which meant I pretty much had no free time.  I'd miss baby at work and then go home and spend all my time off of work with baby and maybe have a friend over on Saturday or Sunday for a few hours.  I spent a lot of time crying and telling Brent that, "I can't do it anymore!" 

So I quit my job.  I gave them four weeks notice, because I like my job and want four weeks to not worry about money, but to know that the end is near.  I'm also looking for part time work. 

One of my friends said that I've never looked happier than when I'm with my baby.  I know they say that children won't bring you happiness, but, dammit, I don't believe it.  After the initial post-partum insanity (and I felt pretty nuts) ended, I really do feel so happy.  Maybe it's all the happy chemicals that go into your system while breastfeeding.  I've been laughing way more.  I used to get crabby or feel overwhelmed when something went wrong.  But the last time I dropped a container of left overs on to the floor and was looking down at dinner spilled on the floor, I laughed.  I laughed hysterically for a few minutes.  Then the self with all of our canned goods and dry goods collapsed the other day and I laughed too, and then calmly repaired the shelf. 

Maybe it's because once you have a baby, ALL that matters is that baby.  You would die for it, or starve, or eat glass to protect that baby.  Dinner spilled on the floor doesn't matter, a broken shelf doesn't matter, water in the basement (our current problem) doesn't matter.  We'll fix these minor problems with our stuff.  Things can be replaced; people can't. 

So is that happiness?  The ability to not stress over the small stuff? 

Or is it that I fall asleep next to this little warm, wonderful baby every night?  I used to dread night coming when I was newly post-partum, the Sun would set and I would cry, "I hate night."  "Night" was definitely something we had to learn how to do, but now night is one of the most wonderful bonding times I have with baby.  I definitely would not sleep well if he wasn't next to me. 

There must be happy chemicals that come out when you sleep next to someone you love.  I get to sleep next to two people I love.  Who needs the money?  We'll figure out how to live on less money, we make more than we need right now, we'll just have to save less every month, but I do hope we can eventually get to where we are saving at least $100 a month or more.  We have big plans with our savings; it might just take a few extra years, but parenthood is not efficient in anyway.  We will have to accept this fact. 

I still want to work two or three days a week; to have some adult interaction and let Brent have some alone time with the baby.  Plus we really need to have more income than Brent gets through his job; unless we want to sell the car, get rid of our cellphones, internet, and cut payments to my student loans significantly.  I guess we could do all that if we need to.  My car will be paid off in June, so that will help.  Although I'll need to do some major maintenance work next year too (shocks and struts are expensive). 

It's never been more apparent to me that money does not bring happiness.  If I were making a million dollars I year, I think I would still quit my job.  Happiness isn't money, it's a warm baby by your side.