Some of you kept up all month writing something you are thankful for every day. I'm not like that I cram them in all at once. I came up with 13 and that's good enough.
I am thankful for:
1. My husband: Seriously every single day I have had him in my life I have felt deep gratitude. I only hope he feels the same way, otherwise I need to get my act together.
2. My 2 year-old son. He teaches me something new every day, mostly to relax and smell the roses and to slow down and be calm. He's also a constant reminder that we have zero control over other people in our lives.
3. My ability to do jobs most people don't want: I've pretty much always worked with difficult humans in some sense. I've somehow mastered the art of being yelled at and sworn at and having things go terribly wrong in public and been able to deal with it well 99% of the time. I actually have learned to like it, as long as I have a good organization supporting me that doesn't expect me to be a miracle worker (doesn't always happen), I'll take a difficult client and roll with the punches.
4. My fertility: We could have hand-picked the months we wanted our children to be born in if we had wanted to.
5. The Twin Cities: I was moved here when I was two and a half and both my parents are from MN, so really this was sheer luck. But I feel that it's probably in the top three places in the US to live. Especially fond of Minneapolis itself. I don't even think I'd consider moving to St. Paul at this point, I'm too in love with Minneapolis.
6. Running: I never thought I would be a runner and then one day I decided to try and I found that I like it, plus it keeps me strong and fit when I do it.
7. My baby girl: I was actually on my knees praying for a healthy girl when we were trying to conceive this pregnancy and the spirits delivered. I love my son more than I ever thought I could love anyone, but I really wanted a girl too and was not too keen on the idea of having three kids. Though she's not out yet, we could still have a surprise boy.
8. The good friends I've slowly collected over the years: I'm often amazed that you all like me and want to spend time with me. More than anything else you all keep me from indulging in my escapist fantasies of moving to another state.
9. My access to good health care: I've never been without health insurance and this is from sheer good luck. I don't hesitate to make an appointment or head to the hospital when I need to. This is a luxury in the world. I've also managed to find some incredible doctors and midwives who have supported my wishes and treated me well. It makes dealing with the bad ones that much easier.
10. Our finances: Neither of us make a lot, but due to some lucky timing and family help only one of us has student loan debt, we have a duplex that brings in income, and we've hardly paid for any childcare. On paper we should be doing worse than we are, but we've even been able to save money in the last few years. It also helps that neither of us are big spenders and we're both on the same page as far are financial goals go. We've never fought about money.
11. Socialist Alternative: I would feel lost in the world without socialism. It's like my religion, it makes me not feel like such a weirdo for actually having deep faith in humanity and wanting everyone to thrive in the world. Like Che said, I do believe that revolutions come from deep feelings of love. Someday I will do more with them, or at least send them more money.
12. My intelligence: I'm far from genius, and I've basically had to tell my husband that no matter how much he tries to explain the stock market to me, I'm not going to absorb it. But I've been told by three different supervisors now that I catch on to jobs quickly and that they don't really have to worry about me. I remember a lot and do well in school. I used to actually hate that people kept telling me how smart I was, because I didn't think being smart was actually making my life any easier (harder if anything because of the EXPECTATIONS), but I've learned to love this gift and realize it's limitations too. You can't smart your way into happiness, at least not all the way.
13. My growing spirituality: Ever since my son was born, I've felt this connection to something bigger in the universe, I don't know what it is and probably never will, but it's nice that it is there. And I don't think it goes against anything scientific either as we don't know everything about the human mind or the universe yet. I believe we can "know" something without scientific proof of it's existence. I think someday science and the spiritual world will overlap significantly; I just have this feeling.
Friday, December 13, 2013
Saturday, December 7, 2013
Will it Be Better This Time?
I've had some mental illness in my life, but nothing compared to how horrible I felt after the birth of my first child. I got hit hard with the baby blues at about 3 days post partum and it got much better after 3 weeks and then turned into more of a low-grade depression with acute anxiety symptoms that slowly got better over the course of about a year. But those first three weeks were awful.
I've been reading "What am I Thinking?: Having a Baby After Post-Partum Depression." I recommend this book! But it's been making me remember just how bad it was. Firstly let me say that it's a myth that those of us who have PPD want to hurt our babies. We are actually terrified we WILL hurt our babies or our babies will get hurt, but we generally don't hurt them.
It wasn't just hard. I felt like I could NOT do it. I felt like I could not be a mother, ever. And yet here I was STUCK as a mother for the rest of my life. I thought of all the things that could hurt my precious newborn and could not imagine that he would live through the week. Cars would drive by our house and scare me because I was sure they were going to somehow crash into us. I grabbed my husband and asked him over and over to promise me we would never hurt him. I also told my husband that I COULDN'T DO THIS.
I wanted to die, I wanted to die so badly, but I loved my baby so much and I realised how much he depended on me, how bad his life would be without me, how big of a loss I would be to him and I felt trapped. Trapped on Earth, so much wanting to leave but so much unable to ever leave it because I knew I could never do that to my child.
I never had love hurt that badly. And I wondered if I would ever feel happy again, or if now that I was a mother, I was ruined forever, always to feel depressed and anxious, never getting relief until the day I died. I couldn't handle anyone talking the slightest bit negatively about any baby or child or any stories about childhood that were anything but 100% awesome. Because anything less than perfect terrified me. My brain took it to the next level. The mention of me being put in an infant seat on a table made me see babies falling to their deaths from tables. The thought of any baby getting hurt was too much for me to handle. Don't those mothers feel what I feel? I thought. Why would anyone not protect their baby 100%?! I couldn't handle it. I became the most judgemental person in the world. I loved my baby too much if anything, how could others abandon or hurt theirs?
I also couldn't make simple decisions. I told my husband to bring me food. I could not decide on which food to eat. What to pack in the diaper bag seemed excruciatingly hard to figure out. I had panic attacks over being out of the house without the right stuff.
But I had to get out of the house, I was going insane staying in my house. I needed to see the great outdoors, even though they frightened me. So I went out and cried. I cried at a baby shower, I cried at Target, I cried in the car a lot. I couldn't not respond to my infant, we pulled the car over once to nurse him because I was freaking out and couldn't handle him having to wait 5 mins. I was ultra responsive. I couldn't understand how anyone could leave their baby to cry for even 10 seconds. I couldn't be out of sight of him either without crying. And I couldn't sleep without him being right next to me (this lasted for the whole year actually). I couldn't imagine being able to handle a cold or mastitis or an ear infection. It was hard enough with a happy, healthy baby, how would I ever cope if he got sick?
I had a deep primal need to be with him and care for him, something I think was actually a very good thing. And I'm glad I gave in to the instinct. I think the reason we did so well overall is that I was holding him all the time and nursing all the time, he was very well cared for, he thrived, even though his mom was not. I also say that he was a pretty easy baby those first couple months, I never wasn't able to calm him for the most part (except for the over-active let down I had to deal with).
Breastfeeding was a great comfort for me. It calmed me down, it released great hormones, it was almost as good as an anti-anxiety med. I had a strong reaction to it in the first couple weeks, it was hard to stay awake while nursing.
It slowly got better. The hormones slowly got back into place. I ended up with worse PMS then I had before, maybe a relic to the post partum period.
So will it be better this time? I have hope it will. For one, I know I can get through it. I also know what to expect. I know that I possibly won't feel like myself for about a year. There are less unknowns this time. I quit my job at 5 months post partum last time, I think partially because I was having PPD. Interviewing while post partum felt so strange. This time I have every intention of staying with the job I have now, which is part time. I also had a really hard time calling anyone last time, and was very sad no one called me (I actually thought it showed what a horrible person and friend I was). This time I'm going to try my best to call people when I need them.
But I also will have two kids this time. And this baby could be more fussy. This baby could be ill more. Something outside of my control could be worse. And my two year old is who I worry about the most. How will he handle a mom who cries randomly? Will I scare him? Will I be unable to meet his needs? Will I even be able to supervise him properly? Will he try to hurt the baby? How will I react to that?
And the other part is, will others understand? Will others get why I'm not letting them hold my baby for very long? Will they understand why I'm so irritable and not fun? Will they even like me after seeing me in my post partum state?
I also have to throw in there how amazing my husband was through all of this last time. He never reacted badly to my moodiness, he gave me unwavering reassurance. He was my rock. He did what I told him to do. He took care of me. I knew I could put our baby in his arms and go hide in the bathroom for 10 mins and everything would be fine. He never once told me to get over it. He held me while I sobbed about how horrible the entire world was. I'm not sure I would be here today without him. I told him, only half joking, that he had two babies to care for right now. I really believe I needed almost that level of care to get through it.
I'm so glad I allowed myself to be needy and demanding, I think it helped me greatly. I hated it, I have an independent streak, at least this time I know I REALLY need help. Not enough attention is given to the post partum period. It was hard to walk for a couple weeks. My body didn't feel normal for about 6 months and then only somewhat normal. I really felt I couldn't drive for about 3 weeks. The physical stuff alone is enough to require care for a good month with a normal vaginal birth. I plan on trying to stay in bed for a good week this time, and only go on short trips or do easy chores for the first three weeks. I'm going to try to feel better about doing less, and try to enjoy it.
I fully expect to get PPD again, but I think I'm better prepared this time around. Maybe it will be better.
I've been reading "What am I Thinking?: Having a Baby After Post-Partum Depression." I recommend this book! But it's been making me remember just how bad it was. Firstly let me say that it's a myth that those of us who have PPD want to hurt our babies. We are actually terrified we WILL hurt our babies or our babies will get hurt, but we generally don't hurt them.
It wasn't just hard. I felt like I could NOT do it. I felt like I could not be a mother, ever. And yet here I was STUCK as a mother for the rest of my life. I thought of all the things that could hurt my precious newborn and could not imagine that he would live through the week. Cars would drive by our house and scare me because I was sure they were going to somehow crash into us. I grabbed my husband and asked him over and over to promise me we would never hurt him. I also told my husband that I COULDN'T DO THIS.
I wanted to die, I wanted to die so badly, but I loved my baby so much and I realised how much he depended on me, how bad his life would be without me, how big of a loss I would be to him and I felt trapped. Trapped on Earth, so much wanting to leave but so much unable to ever leave it because I knew I could never do that to my child.
I never had love hurt that badly. And I wondered if I would ever feel happy again, or if now that I was a mother, I was ruined forever, always to feel depressed and anxious, never getting relief until the day I died. I couldn't handle anyone talking the slightest bit negatively about any baby or child or any stories about childhood that were anything but 100% awesome. Because anything less than perfect terrified me. My brain took it to the next level. The mention of me being put in an infant seat on a table made me see babies falling to their deaths from tables. The thought of any baby getting hurt was too much for me to handle. Don't those mothers feel what I feel? I thought. Why would anyone not protect their baby 100%?! I couldn't handle it. I became the most judgemental person in the world. I loved my baby too much if anything, how could others abandon or hurt theirs?
I also couldn't make simple decisions. I told my husband to bring me food. I could not decide on which food to eat. What to pack in the diaper bag seemed excruciatingly hard to figure out. I had panic attacks over being out of the house without the right stuff.
But I had to get out of the house, I was going insane staying in my house. I needed to see the great outdoors, even though they frightened me. So I went out and cried. I cried at a baby shower, I cried at Target, I cried in the car a lot. I couldn't not respond to my infant, we pulled the car over once to nurse him because I was freaking out and couldn't handle him having to wait 5 mins. I was ultra responsive. I couldn't understand how anyone could leave their baby to cry for even 10 seconds. I couldn't be out of sight of him either without crying. And I couldn't sleep without him being right next to me (this lasted for the whole year actually). I couldn't imagine being able to handle a cold or mastitis or an ear infection. It was hard enough with a happy, healthy baby, how would I ever cope if he got sick?
I had a deep primal need to be with him and care for him, something I think was actually a very good thing. And I'm glad I gave in to the instinct. I think the reason we did so well overall is that I was holding him all the time and nursing all the time, he was very well cared for, he thrived, even though his mom was not. I also say that he was a pretty easy baby those first couple months, I never wasn't able to calm him for the most part (except for the over-active let down I had to deal with).
Breastfeeding was a great comfort for me. It calmed me down, it released great hormones, it was almost as good as an anti-anxiety med. I had a strong reaction to it in the first couple weeks, it was hard to stay awake while nursing.
It slowly got better. The hormones slowly got back into place. I ended up with worse PMS then I had before, maybe a relic to the post partum period.
So will it be better this time? I have hope it will. For one, I know I can get through it. I also know what to expect. I know that I possibly won't feel like myself for about a year. There are less unknowns this time. I quit my job at 5 months post partum last time, I think partially because I was having PPD. Interviewing while post partum felt so strange. This time I have every intention of staying with the job I have now, which is part time. I also had a really hard time calling anyone last time, and was very sad no one called me (I actually thought it showed what a horrible person and friend I was). This time I'm going to try my best to call people when I need them.
But I also will have two kids this time. And this baby could be more fussy. This baby could be ill more. Something outside of my control could be worse. And my two year old is who I worry about the most. How will he handle a mom who cries randomly? Will I scare him? Will I be unable to meet his needs? Will I even be able to supervise him properly? Will he try to hurt the baby? How will I react to that?
And the other part is, will others understand? Will others get why I'm not letting them hold my baby for very long? Will they understand why I'm so irritable and not fun? Will they even like me after seeing me in my post partum state?
I also have to throw in there how amazing my husband was through all of this last time. He never reacted badly to my moodiness, he gave me unwavering reassurance. He was my rock. He did what I told him to do. He took care of me. I knew I could put our baby in his arms and go hide in the bathroom for 10 mins and everything would be fine. He never once told me to get over it. He held me while I sobbed about how horrible the entire world was. I'm not sure I would be here today without him. I told him, only half joking, that he had two babies to care for right now. I really believe I needed almost that level of care to get through it.
I'm so glad I allowed myself to be needy and demanding, I think it helped me greatly. I hated it, I have an independent streak, at least this time I know I REALLY need help. Not enough attention is given to the post partum period. It was hard to walk for a couple weeks. My body didn't feel normal for about 6 months and then only somewhat normal. I really felt I couldn't drive for about 3 weeks. The physical stuff alone is enough to require care for a good month with a normal vaginal birth. I plan on trying to stay in bed for a good week this time, and only go on short trips or do easy chores for the first three weeks. I'm going to try to feel better about doing less, and try to enjoy it.
I fully expect to get PPD again, but I think I'm better prepared this time around. Maybe it will be better.
Wednesday, December 4, 2013
More on Potty Training
I failed. I failed to potty train my kid by 2.5 years. I'm OK with that. There are no guarantees in life. Some people don't even try with boys until 3 years and I didn't want to do that, so I started early. Not too early in my view. But it didn't work out. He got pretty far and then it stalled.
Then I got pregnant. Willingly and planned!
The transition for him was a lot. I weaned him, I moved him to his own bed in his own room. I started a more firm bedtime. All of these were good things that I needed to do, but it disrupted potty learning. Not a little. A LOT. To the point of nothingness. Not a few more accidents; getting nothing in the potty for days. When you reach that point, of course, you go back to diapers full time and take a goddamn break. And if you are pregnant and me, you cry about it and feel like a failure. And then you move on.
And then he got better, on our trip to Arizona it picked back up again. We peed him in to tons of public toilets, it was great. And we kept it up when we got home. He wasn't potty trained, but we were getting stuff in the potty with hopes it would keep up.
Then his language skills took off suddenly. Like one day he was barely talking and the next he was talking a bunch and it grew and grew. And he also started completely refusing the potty again. So we stopped asking and now I was in my 3rd trimester of pregnancy. I started to feel like he was really ready, like ready for completion sometime in November, but I didn't know whether to do it or to wait. I wanted to do another intense potty training where we watch him for like 3 days and get him to the potty and make our expectations clear. But I didn't know if I was capable of doing that physically and mentally during the end of my pregnancy. But then I was also wondering if I'd be capable of doing it after I had a baby.
Then slowly he started hating the diaper, screaming about having to wear a diaper. Shit. This is a fair sign that one is ready to be potty training as he was almost literally telling me he didn't want to wear diapers anymore. I had to make a decision.
So today when he refused a diaper, I left it off and let him go bottomless and when he started peeing I moved him to the potty and he peed in the potty, twice. And he pooped while standing on a chair, but I moved him to the potty after and he sat on it for a while and peed a little. OK kid, you win, we are potty training now, at 34 weeks of pregnancy.
I think, at the very least, this time my expectations will be low. I don't think I will freak out if it doesn't fully click with him because I have too much other stuff on my mind.
So did I start too early initially? I don't know. I think he learned a lot from it, but it didn't lead to completion. I do think I have a later bloomer on my hands for some of this stuff. But at the same time the historical evidence is that most kids were out of diapers around age two 50 years ago. So it is possible. And I really, REALLY, do not think it is harmful as babies around the world are often not in diapers much past a year, or even 6 months (they use elimination communication). Coercion and punishment is harmful, not potty learning. And luckily I was used to people thinking I was crazy for doing some weird parenting thing that "no one else does."
I also think there is an accumulative effect. I think doing EC and attempting an earlier potty training helped him over all with awareness. And still no diaper rash! And I know we saved on some diapers. Plus I learned to not freak out so much about potty training; by freaking out about potty training. I think with my next kid I will be more calm. I'm sure I am partly to blame for his lack of potty ability, mostly the getting pregnant with his sister thing. But I also strongly believe that it doesn't really matter who or what is to blame for anything, things happen.
I also like that we didn't fully give up, even when we took breaks, we restarted when we saw the opportunity and chugged right along without shame or coercion or bribes or rewards. I tried a bribe once and my kid was so not into it at all. That's the flip side of bribes, it puts the control into the child's hands. We really tried to simply set the expectation that pee and poop go in the potty, just like we have an expectation that he doesn't climb the window sills or tables. It doesn't mean he won't screw up, but it means we clearly tell him he must get down. We tried to give him no choice. And we did have some success, we must not forget the success we had.
And I still really love Oh Crap Potty Training! I will still use that method for the most part, I'm just not fully embracing it while this pregnant, but I am totally using the overall philosophy.
Even if it takes another 6-12 months until he has reached completion at least I know I didn't give up or put it off for no good reason. And I think I can finally be more relaxed about it and maybe that will help a bit. I still think waiting for the classic readiness signs can lead you to a kid who is in diapers at age four or five. Now that we are buying disposables, holy crap they are expensive, in someways we don't have the luxury of waiting for a long time. It's like a phone bill every month that we don't need.
Also, he's only 30 months! We've got time before the majority of this country will think it is weird he's in diapers. He peed in a potty for the first time on cue at 4 months, so that's pretty darn neat.
Then I got pregnant. Willingly and planned!
The transition for him was a lot. I weaned him, I moved him to his own bed in his own room. I started a more firm bedtime. All of these were good things that I needed to do, but it disrupted potty learning. Not a little. A LOT. To the point of nothingness. Not a few more accidents; getting nothing in the potty for days. When you reach that point, of course, you go back to diapers full time and take a goddamn break. And if you are pregnant and me, you cry about it and feel like a failure. And then you move on.
And then he got better, on our trip to Arizona it picked back up again. We peed him in to tons of public toilets, it was great. And we kept it up when we got home. He wasn't potty trained, but we were getting stuff in the potty with hopes it would keep up.
Then his language skills took off suddenly. Like one day he was barely talking and the next he was talking a bunch and it grew and grew. And he also started completely refusing the potty again. So we stopped asking and now I was in my 3rd trimester of pregnancy. I started to feel like he was really ready, like ready for completion sometime in November, but I didn't know whether to do it or to wait. I wanted to do another intense potty training where we watch him for like 3 days and get him to the potty and make our expectations clear. But I didn't know if I was capable of doing that physically and mentally during the end of my pregnancy. But then I was also wondering if I'd be capable of doing it after I had a baby.
Then slowly he started hating the diaper, screaming about having to wear a diaper. Shit. This is a fair sign that one is ready to be potty training as he was almost literally telling me he didn't want to wear diapers anymore. I had to make a decision.
So today when he refused a diaper, I left it off and let him go bottomless and when he started peeing I moved him to the potty and he peed in the potty, twice. And he pooped while standing on a chair, but I moved him to the potty after and he sat on it for a while and peed a little. OK kid, you win, we are potty training now, at 34 weeks of pregnancy.
I think, at the very least, this time my expectations will be low. I don't think I will freak out if it doesn't fully click with him because I have too much other stuff on my mind.
So did I start too early initially? I don't know. I think he learned a lot from it, but it didn't lead to completion. I do think I have a later bloomer on my hands for some of this stuff. But at the same time the historical evidence is that most kids were out of diapers around age two 50 years ago. So it is possible. And I really, REALLY, do not think it is harmful as babies around the world are often not in diapers much past a year, or even 6 months (they use elimination communication). Coercion and punishment is harmful, not potty learning. And luckily I was used to people thinking I was crazy for doing some weird parenting thing that "no one else does."
I also think there is an accumulative effect. I think doing EC and attempting an earlier potty training helped him over all with awareness. And still no diaper rash! And I know we saved on some diapers. Plus I learned to not freak out so much about potty training; by freaking out about potty training. I think with my next kid I will be more calm. I'm sure I am partly to blame for his lack of potty ability, mostly the getting pregnant with his sister thing. But I also strongly believe that it doesn't really matter who or what is to blame for anything, things happen.
I also like that we didn't fully give up, even when we took breaks, we restarted when we saw the opportunity and chugged right along without shame or coercion or bribes or rewards. I tried a bribe once and my kid was so not into it at all. That's the flip side of bribes, it puts the control into the child's hands. We really tried to simply set the expectation that pee and poop go in the potty, just like we have an expectation that he doesn't climb the window sills or tables. It doesn't mean he won't screw up, but it means we clearly tell him he must get down. We tried to give him no choice. And we did have some success, we must not forget the success we had.
And I still really love Oh Crap Potty Training! I will still use that method for the most part, I'm just not fully embracing it while this pregnant, but I am totally using the overall philosophy.
Even if it takes another 6-12 months until he has reached completion at least I know I didn't give up or put it off for no good reason. And I think I can finally be more relaxed about it and maybe that will help a bit. I still think waiting for the classic readiness signs can lead you to a kid who is in diapers at age four or five. Now that we are buying disposables, holy crap they are expensive, in someways we don't have the luxury of waiting for a long time. It's like a phone bill every month that we don't need.
Also, he's only 30 months! We've got time before the majority of this country will think it is weird he's in diapers. He peed in a potty for the first time on cue at 4 months, so that's pretty darn neat.
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