Still making decisions on the potty training. Something amazing changed suddenly. Just like 6 weeks ago changing diapers was hell. But suddenly Cedric has relaxed and will lay down when asked and be still for the majority of the diaper change. It's like he was like, "I heard you were thinking of potty training, well, screw that I'll just get compliant with the diaper changes."
I actually see this as a sign he is getting ready to be able to potty train more easily. Difficulty with diaper changes completely coinsided with difficulty in elimination communication (EC).
EC was easy to give up on, but you can't give up on diaper changes so easily. I hid the little potty and potty insert and we completely stopped doing an EC because it had really completely stopped working. I have mixed feeling about this. I know I could have done more with it, but I did it in earnest for a year and had some good times and some bad times and I'm still glad I did it.
It's more hard because I got so much judgement for doing EC from people and now I fear they are looking at me and going, "see, ha ha, you FAILED at EC. You shouldn't have done it." Even though I don't feel I failed at EC, I just didn't stick with it to completetion, we just didn't reach potty independance with EC. And, for now, that is totally OK with me.
My son's pee is much more consolidated now, still dry through the night most nights, peeing a lot in the morning, less at night, and down to one poop a day that you never know is coming. He also seems like he understands a lot more.
My two biggest hang ups for actually starting a real potty training are his ability to get his own pants down and his ability to say something like, "I need to pee, mama." I think he's totally capable of these things, though the comunication would be more like, "pee pee!" rather than a whole sentance. He just need practise and I'm not sure how much
We just have to find the time now. I have a bunch of work trainings coming up. I really want a solid week where we don't need any child care, just to DO THIS FOR REALZ! And in reality "potty" will be on our minds for a few months.
Definitely want this to be all done before we possibly go to China in July, so April is looking to be the absolute latest I'm willing to put this off. He's 19 months now and 3 pounds away from being too big for his medium-sized prefolds, and no way in hell am I going to go buy XL prefolds.
Sunday, December 30, 2012
Thursday, December 20, 2012
I'm one of the 30%
I found this article about the whole Adam Lanza/Lisa Long/mentally ill child fiasco: http://www.ahaparenting.com/_blog/Parenting_Blog/post/Nancy_Lanza,_Liza_Long_and_the_Rest_of_Us/#.UNOcjFGVRn4.facebook
In it she says something that totally rocked my world. She says that she thinks about 70% of kids will turn out just fine regardless of how they are parented, outside of outright abuse. 30% of kids will really need parents to be very, very connected to the them to turn out OK.
I think I'm one of those 30% kids. I think I turned out alright, so I'm not saying my parents totally screwed up, but my mental health issues have always seemed way bigger than they needed to be given my childhood circumstances. I wasn't abused. My parents were even pretty good in some areas. But yet, I ended up having very bad depression and anxiety, I was a cutter when I was younger, I ended up hospitalized a couple times, I've had eating issues, blah blah blah...
Just recently I've been thinking about what the fuck happened. Like I mean, really, what was so god-awful bad in your life, Andrea, that you need so much help and still feel like you are holding on by a thread sometimes? What WAS IT? And you know, I can't put my finger on ONE thing, just a huge accumulation of things.
And I have friends who had it much worse than me, who do better than me. And for the last few years I've felt like I don't deserve to feel this messed up sometimes. Like, just get over it, your life isn't that bad, pick yourself up. You are fine. But it doesn't work. I'm not fine. I'm better, but I'm damaged. I'm in a slow recovery. Better than I ever have been, but still not great.
I think I'm just one of those 30% that really needed really sensitive parenting. I just needed more than I got. Another kid might have been totally fine with my parents and life circumstances, but I wasn't. I'm just more vulnerable for some reason. And I can think of a few family members that are the same way. There are a few who I look at their parents, and think they are fine people and even sometimes their other kids are doing really well, but they aren't. They join me in this 30%.
I'm not going to dwell on what our parents could have done, maybe they couldn't have done anything, it's possible. Or maybe they weren't capable at time time of doing anything differently.
Anyway this statistic of the 70/30% totally made me feel like I understood myself more. I think this is where the whole gene-environment interaction comes in. I was born with a much higher predisposition to developing depression and anxiety. It also gives me hope that most of us will be OK even if our parents really mess up, about 70% of us (again as long as some real abuse doesn't get in there). And probably a good portion of parents are really able to create a super sensitive, nurturing environments for all. Throw alcoholism and divorce and a few other things in there that we really don't always have control over and things get messy.
It also shows me why so many people say things like, "my parents did such and such and I turned out fine," Yes, YOU turned out fine, some of us had the same things happen and we did not turn out "fine." We aren't mass murderers (most of us), but we are recovering. And it can sometimes be hard to know if you've got a 70% kid or a 30% kid. So might as well err on the side of caution and just go ahead and try to create a very warn, sensitive, nurturing environment for them as best as you can.
In it she says something that totally rocked my world. She says that she thinks about 70% of kids will turn out just fine regardless of how they are parented, outside of outright abuse. 30% of kids will really need parents to be very, very connected to the them to turn out OK.
I think I'm one of those 30% kids. I think I turned out alright, so I'm not saying my parents totally screwed up, but my mental health issues have always seemed way bigger than they needed to be given my childhood circumstances. I wasn't abused. My parents were even pretty good in some areas. But yet, I ended up having very bad depression and anxiety, I was a cutter when I was younger, I ended up hospitalized a couple times, I've had eating issues, blah blah blah...
Just recently I've been thinking about what the fuck happened. Like I mean, really, what was so god-awful bad in your life, Andrea, that you need so much help and still feel like you are holding on by a thread sometimes? What WAS IT? And you know, I can't put my finger on ONE thing, just a huge accumulation of things.
And I have friends who had it much worse than me, who do better than me. And for the last few years I've felt like I don't deserve to feel this messed up sometimes. Like, just get over it, your life isn't that bad, pick yourself up. You are fine. But it doesn't work. I'm not fine. I'm better, but I'm damaged. I'm in a slow recovery. Better than I ever have been, but still not great.
I think I'm just one of those 30% that really needed really sensitive parenting. I just needed more than I got. Another kid might have been totally fine with my parents and life circumstances, but I wasn't. I'm just more vulnerable for some reason. And I can think of a few family members that are the same way. There are a few who I look at their parents, and think they are fine people and even sometimes their other kids are doing really well, but they aren't. They join me in this 30%.
I'm not going to dwell on what our parents could have done, maybe they couldn't have done anything, it's possible. Or maybe they weren't capable at time time of doing anything differently.
Anyway this statistic of the 70/30% totally made me feel like I understood myself more. I think this is where the whole gene-environment interaction comes in. I was born with a much higher predisposition to developing depression and anxiety. It also gives me hope that most of us will be OK even if our parents really mess up, about 70% of us (again as long as some real abuse doesn't get in there). And probably a good portion of parents are really able to create a super sensitive, nurturing environments for all. Throw alcoholism and divorce and a few other things in there that we really don't always have control over and things get messy.
It also shows me why so many people say things like, "my parents did such and such and I turned out fine," Yes, YOU turned out fine, some of us had the same things happen and we did not turn out "fine." We aren't mass murderers (most of us), but we are recovering. And it can sometimes be hard to know if you've got a 70% kid or a 30% kid. So might as well err on the side of caution and just go ahead and try to create a very warn, sensitive, nurturing environment for them as best as you can.
Which Growth Chart Your Doctor Uses Matters
Here is my son's weight on the "standard" growth chart.
See how at first he get HUGE, you wonder if I am overfeeding my newborn. Then it tapers off, almost to the point where you start to wonder if he is gaining enough weight
This is the same weight plotted on the WHO's newer growth chart.
Now his weight hugs the yellow line pretty well, it's dipping off a bit now, but not enough to cause alarm.
Just putting this out there that you should be skeptical if someone is worried that your kidisn't fitting well on the growth curve. Make sure you know which curve they are using!
This is the same weight plotted on the WHO's newer growth chart.
Just putting this out there that you should be skeptical if someone is worried that your kidisn't fitting well on the growth curve. Make sure you know which curve they are using!
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Please Stop Calling My Parenting Style "Crazy"
I'm an Attachment Parent, also known as Connective Parenting. I'm not perfect and I do not strive for that. Nor do I have a list of things I think everyone should do. I have some evidence up my sleeve that some of the things I do are awesome, but they aren't for everyone, I get it.
I had this experience of someone confessing to me that she wasn't an AP mom and I similarly felt like I was confessing that I am an AP mom. She said some of them are "crazy."
I had to agree with her there, but I don't think they are crazy because of the Attachment Parenting they do. Personally I would never not vaccinate my child, nor would I ever homeschool, nor would a babywear with a kid who can walk, nor would I try to find raw milk or go on a paleo diet. To each there own, I've gotten over the judgement, I will not say that I agree with them, but I don't think they are bad people. And none of the above have anything to do with Attachment Parenting!
In fact we are all doing the best we can fucking do in this rather messed up world we live in.
I'll refer to the API website for what I really think the bare bones essentials of Attachment Parenting is. http://www.attachmentparenting.org/
The 8 Principals of AP:
1. Prepare for Pregnancy, Birth, and Parenting
2. Feed with Love and Respect
3. Respond with Sensitivity
4. Use Nurturing Touch
5. Ensure Safe Sleep, Physically and Emotionally
6. Provide Consistent and Loving Care
7. Practice Positive Discipline
8. Strive for Balance in Personal and Family Life
Is AP starting to seem less crazy?
Notice how it doesn't say, "breastfeed, babywear, co-sleep, don't vaccinate, eat only organic, have a home birth," or anything like that? You CAN bottle feed with love and respect, you can ensure safe sleep by using a crib, you can prepare for pregnancy and birth and still have a scheduled C-section, you can use nurturing touch without ever using a sling, you can provide consistent and loving care and positive discipline while still screwing up horribly sometimes. AP is not for perfect parents, because there are none of those.
I really do think AP can be for everyone. If you really think children shouldn't be responded to sensitively, shouldn't be disciplined in a positive manner, shouldn't bed fed with love and respect, and that you shouldn't prepare for pregnancy birth and parenthood, then I seriously have to wonder why you are becoming a parent in the first place.
There is good science behind the principals. There is really good science that punishment doesn't really work well and/or causes not so great mental health in the long term (despite what a lot of popular child-rearing books will tell you). This is probably the main reason I got into the attachment parenting community. Being around people who hit and yell at and isolate and shame their children is really hard for me. Again, we in the AP community fuck up sometimes and do just this, but we are a support system for those who want help doing something different.
There is absolutely nothing more important than the relationship you have with your child, with a spouse/partner as a close second. Not being connected with your child has extremely bad consequences, and sometimes they don't come out until adolescence or adulthood. For me, the principals above are what I follow to do my best to make sure I connect with my child.
I didn't babywear much, I yell too much, Cedric has witnessed me completely breaking down a couple times. I am pretty bad at finding balance. I'm still an AP mom, I still have the principal groundwork in my head. I get therapy, I try to grow as a person. Parenthood is way more about controlling your own self than controlling your kids.
Whether or not you are connected to the AP community, you probably agree with the principals above, and probably have a few of your own. I sure do. AP is not the only thing I do. I've got other stuff that influences me even further. I'm a socialist, I'm a humanist, I'm a feminist, I'm a believer in critically examining scientific study. I'm pro-choice, I strongly believe that we all should strive to improve our emotional intelligence and boundaries because a lot of us have issues with these. I also believe we are all doing the best we can with the past and the current info we have.
I hate that my baby got the vitamin K shot at birth, but I went with the info I had at the time. I hate that my overactive let down caused me so much stress, but I lacked support and good info about it at the time. I hate that I had a hospital birth, but I lacked support and knowledge at the time. I hate that I found myself so little help after the birth of my child, but that's just how it goes sometimes.
Moms and dads, you are going to make mistakes. I think too often we want to believe that we are doing it all right and when some piece of info comes along that is counter to what we are doing we bash the new info instead of taking it in and either finding out its bullshit or forgiving ourselves for what we didn't know before. We should all start with, "I'm not going to do this all right."
So before you write off AP as something those crunchy, organic-eating, homebirth, breastfeeding until age 4 moms do, please, go to the website, explore, find a play group, actually meet some of them. And yes, some of them will be crunchy, organic-eating, homebirthing, non-vaccinating, breastfeeding forever, homeschooling moms and dads. And sometimes you will roll your eyes at their raw milk that they are into. And you won't like all of them, but you will see that they are actually quite a diverse set of people. The practice of the principals is going to look different for everyone.
I had this experience of someone confessing to me that she wasn't an AP mom and I similarly felt like I was confessing that I am an AP mom. She said some of them are "crazy."
I had to agree with her there, but I don't think they are crazy because of the Attachment Parenting they do. Personally I would never not vaccinate my child, nor would I ever homeschool, nor would a babywear with a kid who can walk, nor would I try to find raw milk or go on a paleo diet. To each there own, I've gotten over the judgement, I will not say that I agree with them, but I don't think they are bad people. And none of the above have anything to do with Attachment Parenting!
In fact we are all doing the best we can fucking do in this rather messed up world we live in.
I'll refer to the API website for what I really think the bare bones essentials of Attachment Parenting is. http://www.attachmentparenting.org/
The 8 Principals of AP:
1. Prepare for Pregnancy, Birth, and Parenting
2. Feed with Love and Respect
3. Respond with Sensitivity
4. Use Nurturing Touch
5. Ensure Safe Sleep, Physically and Emotionally
6. Provide Consistent and Loving Care
7. Practice Positive Discipline
8. Strive for Balance in Personal and Family Life
Is AP starting to seem less crazy?
Notice how it doesn't say, "breastfeed, babywear, co-sleep, don't vaccinate, eat only organic, have a home birth," or anything like that? You CAN bottle feed with love and respect, you can ensure safe sleep by using a crib, you can prepare for pregnancy and birth and still have a scheduled C-section, you can use nurturing touch without ever using a sling, you can provide consistent and loving care and positive discipline while still screwing up horribly sometimes. AP is not for perfect parents, because there are none of those.
I really do think AP can be for everyone. If you really think children shouldn't be responded to sensitively, shouldn't be disciplined in a positive manner, shouldn't bed fed with love and respect, and that you shouldn't prepare for pregnancy birth and parenthood, then I seriously have to wonder why you are becoming a parent in the first place.
There is good science behind the principals. There is really good science that punishment doesn't really work well and/or causes not so great mental health in the long term (despite what a lot of popular child-rearing books will tell you). This is probably the main reason I got into the attachment parenting community. Being around people who hit and yell at and isolate and shame their children is really hard for me. Again, we in the AP community fuck up sometimes and do just this, but we are a support system for those who want help doing something different.
There is absolutely nothing more important than the relationship you have with your child, with a spouse/partner as a close second. Not being connected with your child has extremely bad consequences, and sometimes they don't come out until adolescence or adulthood. For me, the principals above are what I follow to do my best to make sure I connect with my child.
I didn't babywear much, I yell too much, Cedric has witnessed me completely breaking down a couple times. I am pretty bad at finding balance. I'm still an AP mom, I still have the principal groundwork in my head. I get therapy, I try to grow as a person. Parenthood is way more about controlling your own self than controlling your kids.
Whether or not you are connected to the AP community, you probably agree with the principals above, and probably have a few of your own. I sure do. AP is not the only thing I do. I've got other stuff that influences me even further. I'm a socialist, I'm a humanist, I'm a feminist, I'm a believer in critically examining scientific study. I'm pro-choice, I strongly believe that we all should strive to improve our emotional intelligence and boundaries because a lot of us have issues with these. I also believe we are all doing the best we can with the past and the current info we have.
I hate that my baby got the vitamin K shot at birth, but I went with the info I had at the time. I hate that my overactive let down caused me so much stress, but I lacked support and good info about it at the time. I hate that I had a hospital birth, but I lacked support and knowledge at the time. I hate that I found myself so little help after the birth of my child, but that's just how it goes sometimes.
Moms and dads, you are going to make mistakes. I think too often we want to believe that we are doing it all right and when some piece of info comes along that is counter to what we are doing we bash the new info instead of taking it in and either finding out its bullshit or forgiving ourselves for what we didn't know before. We should all start with, "I'm not going to do this all right."
So before you write off AP as something those crunchy, organic-eating, homebirth, breastfeeding until age 4 moms do, please, go to the website, explore, find a play group, actually meet some of them. And yes, some of them will be crunchy, organic-eating, homebirthing, non-vaccinating, breastfeeding forever, homeschooling moms and dads. And sometimes you will roll your eyes at their raw milk that they are into. And you won't like all of them, but you will see that they are actually quite a diverse set of people. The practice of the principals is going to look different for everyone.
Sunday, December 2, 2012
18 Months of Breastfeeding and One Year of Baby Led Solids
I've made it to 18 months of breastfeeding and a year of Baby-Led Solids! It's so ingrained in what I do from day to day that I don't honestly think about it that much. It's extremely hard for me to imagine feeding my child in any other way. I've held a bottle for all of about 5 mins total in 18 months, and only during the times when my overactive let down was really getting in the way and out of desparation to try to calm a screaming, hungry child who refused to latch on did I attempt a couple times to feed him a bottle of expressed milk.
He's also probably gotten about 1-5% of his food from being spoon fed simply because we were too lazy in the moment to do it right. If you are eating a container of yogurt on the couch and your child clearly wants some, sometimes it's easier and definitely less messy to just spoonfeed instead of getting him his own bowl and spoon. But I'd say at least 95% of all the food he has consumed has been either breastmilk or eaten with his own two hands.
I'm guessing most people think this but breastfeeding sure did not go how I thought it would go. I think my child is what they refer to as a "snacker." Never EVER were there definite feeding times, and never ever, even today with a toddler, am I aware of how many times he actually nursed (except on those rare days where time with him is limited). If I counted how many times he actually latched on, it could be like 50 times. I'm guessing my overactive let down added to this because if milk is coming out fast you've got to take some breathers.
There have been a few times when doctors have asked me how often he nurses or how many times a day and I totally have to fumble over these questions because, really, when we are home, he nurses a lot, and when we are out he might nurse once in a few hour time span. And at night, I'm not even aware. So... The true answer is, "I don't know and it varies a lot."
When I hear other mothers talking about specific nursing times and lengths I wonder how they know. Are they making it up, or do some children actually ask to nure and then nurse for 10 mins and are done for a while? Because mine never did that. Mine would cry or sign "milk" nurse for a minute, come off, nurse another minute or two, do something else for a minute, come back and nurse for a bit. Sometimes I would get a whole 5 mins and before nap or sleep or after nap or sleep sometimes 30 mins or 45 mins. But when he was younger, it was less.
My husband today mentioned that maybe we should give him cows milk even when I'm around, to which I said, "but why wouldn't I just breastfeed him?" My husband noted that they I would be so angry about nursing.
I'm an angry nurser now. Not all the time, but frequently my toddler annoys me with his toddler antics during nursing. Not sure why I can't accept that he's a toddler even while nursing. Frequently things like, "please don't climb mommy while nursing," "no pulling hair," "pick a booby and stick with it," "both the boobies are out, what is the matter?" and "enough! Boobies are taking a break now!" Come out of my mouth.
Dammit... I want more specific nursing times. I told my husband that I would think about limiting the times we nurse; I'm not ready yet, but if he's noticing how annoyed I am sometimes, maybe it's time to cut back a little; later. I've got bigger fish to fry with my wanting to start potty training in the next month or two. I'm not going to do two things at once, it will just be too stressful.
He's also probably gotten about 1-5% of his food from being spoon fed simply because we were too lazy in the moment to do it right. If you are eating a container of yogurt on the couch and your child clearly wants some, sometimes it's easier and definitely less messy to just spoonfeed instead of getting him his own bowl and spoon. But I'd say at least 95% of all the food he has consumed has been either breastmilk or eaten with his own two hands.
I'm guessing most people think this but breastfeeding sure did not go how I thought it would go. I think my child is what they refer to as a "snacker." Never EVER were there definite feeding times, and never ever, even today with a toddler, am I aware of how many times he actually nursed (except on those rare days where time with him is limited). If I counted how many times he actually latched on, it could be like 50 times. I'm guessing my overactive let down added to this because if milk is coming out fast you've got to take some breathers.
There have been a few times when doctors have asked me how often he nurses or how many times a day and I totally have to fumble over these questions because, really, when we are home, he nurses a lot, and when we are out he might nurse once in a few hour time span. And at night, I'm not even aware. So... The true answer is, "I don't know and it varies a lot."
When I hear other mothers talking about specific nursing times and lengths I wonder how they know. Are they making it up, or do some children actually ask to nure and then nurse for 10 mins and are done for a while? Because mine never did that. Mine would cry or sign "milk" nurse for a minute, come off, nurse another minute or two, do something else for a minute, come back and nurse for a bit. Sometimes I would get a whole 5 mins and before nap or sleep or after nap or sleep sometimes 30 mins or 45 mins. But when he was younger, it was less.
My husband today mentioned that maybe we should give him cows milk even when I'm around, to which I said, "but why wouldn't I just breastfeed him?" My husband noted that they I would be so angry about nursing.
I'm an angry nurser now. Not all the time, but frequently my toddler annoys me with his toddler antics during nursing. Not sure why I can't accept that he's a toddler even while nursing. Frequently things like, "please don't climb mommy while nursing," "no pulling hair," "pick a booby and stick with it," "both the boobies are out, what is the matter?" and "enough! Boobies are taking a break now!" Come out of my mouth.
Dammit... I want more specific nursing times. I told my husband that I would think about limiting the times we nurse; I'm not ready yet, but if he's noticing how annoyed I am sometimes, maybe it's time to cut back a little; later. I've got bigger fish to fry with my wanting to start potty training in the next month or two. I'm not going to do two things at once, it will just be too stressful.
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