Tears of joy and sadness. The baby daughter of a long time family friend of mine got a much needed heart transplant today from a baby that died much too young. This heart is quite possibly going to save her life, but another baby had to die for her to receive it. It's pretty much the ultimate gift. But not one you ever want to give.
I'm not close to the family, but my mother is very close to the grandmother of the baby girl who just got the new heart; they've been friends since before I was born. So I've known them my whole life. This cardiomyopathy discovery and the eventual conclusion that she needed a new heart and the transplant itself has affected me. Way less than other people closer to her, but it's been on my mind a lot and I've shed many tears about it.
This baby is also only a month younger than Cedric, I found out the mother was pregnant while I was pregnant. We were at each other's baby showers.
At first I felt both grateful and guilty about Cedric's good health. He really is a perfect little baby and until this all happened I didn't think much about it being any other way. Now I feel a deep gratitude and also realize how quickly things can change. Having a very sick baby could happen to anyone, no one plans this stuff. When everything started unfolding and they were realizing the extent of her heart problem, I felt like I wanted to do anything I could do. I was able to donate breast milk to her, but that was about all I could do. If I had an extra heart, I would have given it to her.
The one thing that I definitely felt from this experience is that my problems are small. And any issue I have with Cedric I now look at as being very insignificant. Not that I was very worried or had lots of issues with him before this, but now everything looks really small. I can hardly imagine what the other parents went through. I can, but I'm sure the reality is much worse.
I know I'm an atheist, but when my son was born, it was the first time I felt the presence of some kind of greater being. I figured there had to be divine intervention for me to have been given this wonderful baby boy. Today, when I heard about them finding a heart for her, it was the second time I wondered if there must be something divine working behind the scenes. I just feel so thankful for all the powers at play; the family that chose to donate the organs, the doctors who had the skill, the support that came forward for this little girl and her family. Maybe what is really divine is that humans can do amazing things and can think of others during their time of grieving. Maybe we are all a little god-like.
There is still a long road ahead, but probably the most difficult part is over. I think she was only on the transplant list for 2 weeks. We all hoped for the best, but prepared for the worst. I would not wish this experience on anyone. But for the first time today, instead of feeling anxious and grateful that my child is healthy, I felt grateful that I was able to witness this miracle of sorts. I witnessed the overwhelming support of of friends and family, I witnessed smiles and joy from the videos from the hospital room, I witnessed two parents giving everything they could to their baby, I witnessed the awe of modern medicine, I witnessed the generosity of a stranger.
I feel like the World is perhaps not such a bad place and that now I have proof that humans are good and that we can overcome great obstacles. Witnessing all of this has given me hope for the human race. I cannot believe that we are born selfish, I have just witnessed the complete opposite. People want to help others. Thank you for showing me that.
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Monday, March 26, 2012
Post Partum Hell Part 3 (Don't Give Me No Bad News... about any child):
One unexpected thing that happened to me after birth is that I suddenly cared A LOT about babies and children. A deep primal instinct took over and I wanted to protect every child and mourned for every adult that had something go wrong in childhood. Some of this is probably from my own personality and issues, but some of it was from the hormones that are produced during breastfeeding. They make you pay more attention to your baby. To this day I will usually wake up a little before Cedric wakes up. My body just *knows* when my baby needs me. It's the closest thing I've experienced to having some kind of God or spirit or extrasensory thing happen to me. But it's just good old fashioned hormones.
I wanted to help every baby. When we got home from the hospital there was a lot of crying. I frequently cried, "I feel so bad for all the babies that aren't being breastfed," or "I feel so bad for babies alone in their own room crying." I often had to have Brent change the channel on the TV. I would just burst in to tears about any negative story about a child or baby. Or I would just start yelling, "no, no, no, no, no!" Those were the worst times. I still have some of it now. I just can't read certain sections of the news paper. I don't just get sad about the stories. I get suicidal about the stories. I feel like the world has totally betrayed me and that I don't want to live in a world where such bad things happen.
I get triggered easily too. And I believe I have a much stronger reaction to these breastfeeding hormones than most. I don't see other mom's reacting the same way.
The easiest is responding to my own baby. I have control over that. The worst is when I hear a baby cry in public. In the beginning I would desperately want to go pick up the crying baby and would eventually start to cry if it went on too long. Then eventually I would say, "pick up your baby!" This all still happens today, but to a lesser degree.
I was 7 weeks post partum then my nephew was born. I visited him in the hospital and he was crying. He was not being ignored, in fact mom and dad were holding him and rocking him and feeding him and changing his diaper and basically doing everything to try to calm him. I still was freaking out inside my head and nearly crying. I really had to resist picking him up myself. I couldn't stop myself from trying to pat his head and rub his tummy during a diaper change he was screaming about. I NEEDED to help somehow. I now don't quite have such a reaction. But even today I found myself picking up a crying baby at my ECFE class while his mother was in the bathroom. This, of course, made my baby cry, and I had to hand him off.
I'm trying to learn to let go. To accept that not every baby is as well cared for as Cedric. I try to focus on him and how awesome he will be, but there is only so far that "my child will be better than yours" can take you. I have some very solid parenting beliefs that I know will go unchanged. I strongly believe in breastfeeding, co-sleeping when possible, responding to all cries, elimination communication, baby-led solids, disciplining without punishment, and natural birth.
It's hard to accept that I am not typical, even though the title of my blog is "Not Your Typical Family." When I created this blog, it was long before I realized how far off I was from the mainstream. Most mainstream authors and child "experts" and pediatricians are against the above beliefs or at least do not give very much support for it. Even though I find so many studies that the above things are the best. I don't really blame the mothers, the bad advice is so abundant out there.
For instance, the only reason to spoon-feed a child is if he can't self-feed, which is usually before 6 months of age (and then some practice after that), but they tell you to not give any solids before six months of age... so therefore spoon-feeding should be a thing of the past. Yet most people are told by countless books and doctors that they must spoon-feed. Even though it's way easier to not spoon-feed at all. It's insanity, but I've learned that most people are spoon-feeding and are SUPER nervous about finger foods. The shift is beginning, but I'm still in the minority. And I feel bad for the babies who are not getting the best. I especially feel bad for the babies who are given solids way too early, some of which die from it. Four to six months is questionable, but before 4 months is down-right dangerous. (Even mainstream people are now saying to wait until 6 months)
So I feel a lot of anger at these so called "experts" who give out terrible advice. Mothers need to connect more with their inner gut feeling. My inner gut feeling about Cedric has never been wrong. Even when I get frustrated and feel like giving up or have a melt down or storm out of the room, my gut takes over and quickly brings me back to what I really need to do. Cedric gives me lots of clues as to what he needs too. I follow those as much as possible.
In the post partum period, this gut feeling was unbearable sometimes, because I absolutely had no control over other parents and I felt like most of them were not doing what was best. This blog is my little way of maybe making a difference. Maybe someone will read this and decide to try EC or become more committed to breastfeeding, or will just relax a little bit. My observations of parents are that they need to let go more and not see every thing their kid does as a learning moment or a chance to redirect them to do something better. Sit back and enjoy your child, they are on a journey separate from you.
So, it's all getting better, but I have a feeling that for the rest of my life it will be difficult to hear about child abuse and neglect and mothers not even attempting to breastfeed. I just wish so much better for the world. I wished better for the world before I became a mother, but now it's internalized and has become a deep part of my being. I cherish it, but it has brought me lots of pain too. But I believe it will make me a better mother and a better human than I was before.
I wanted to help every baby. When we got home from the hospital there was a lot of crying. I frequently cried, "I feel so bad for all the babies that aren't being breastfed," or "I feel so bad for babies alone in their own room crying." I often had to have Brent change the channel on the TV. I would just burst in to tears about any negative story about a child or baby. Or I would just start yelling, "no, no, no, no, no!" Those were the worst times. I still have some of it now. I just can't read certain sections of the news paper. I don't just get sad about the stories. I get suicidal about the stories. I feel like the world has totally betrayed me and that I don't want to live in a world where such bad things happen.
I get triggered easily too. And I believe I have a much stronger reaction to these breastfeeding hormones than most. I don't see other mom's reacting the same way.
The easiest is responding to my own baby. I have control over that. The worst is when I hear a baby cry in public. In the beginning I would desperately want to go pick up the crying baby and would eventually start to cry if it went on too long. Then eventually I would say, "pick up your baby!" This all still happens today, but to a lesser degree.
I was 7 weeks post partum then my nephew was born. I visited him in the hospital and he was crying. He was not being ignored, in fact mom and dad were holding him and rocking him and feeding him and changing his diaper and basically doing everything to try to calm him. I still was freaking out inside my head and nearly crying. I really had to resist picking him up myself. I couldn't stop myself from trying to pat his head and rub his tummy during a diaper change he was screaming about. I NEEDED to help somehow. I now don't quite have such a reaction. But even today I found myself picking up a crying baby at my ECFE class while his mother was in the bathroom. This, of course, made my baby cry, and I had to hand him off.
I'm trying to learn to let go. To accept that not every baby is as well cared for as Cedric. I try to focus on him and how awesome he will be, but there is only so far that "my child will be better than yours" can take you. I have some very solid parenting beliefs that I know will go unchanged. I strongly believe in breastfeeding, co-sleeping when possible, responding to all cries, elimination communication, baby-led solids, disciplining without punishment, and natural birth.
It's hard to accept that I am not typical, even though the title of my blog is "Not Your Typical Family." When I created this blog, it was long before I realized how far off I was from the mainstream. Most mainstream authors and child "experts" and pediatricians are against the above beliefs or at least do not give very much support for it. Even though I find so many studies that the above things are the best. I don't really blame the mothers, the bad advice is so abundant out there.
For instance, the only reason to spoon-feed a child is if he can't self-feed, which is usually before 6 months of age (and then some practice after that), but they tell you to not give any solids before six months of age... so therefore spoon-feeding should be a thing of the past. Yet most people are told by countless books and doctors that they must spoon-feed. Even though it's way easier to not spoon-feed at all. It's insanity, but I've learned that most people are spoon-feeding and are SUPER nervous about finger foods. The shift is beginning, but I'm still in the minority. And I feel bad for the babies who are not getting the best. I especially feel bad for the babies who are given solids way too early, some of which die from it. Four to six months is questionable, but before 4 months is down-right dangerous. (Even mainstream people are now saying to wait until 6 months)
So I feel a lot of anger at these so called "experts" who give out terrible advice. Mothers need to connect more with their inner gut feeling. My inner gut feeling about Cedric has never been wrong. Even when I get frustrated and feel like giving up or have a melt down or storm out of the room, my gut takes over and quickly brings me back to what I really need to do. Cedric gives me lots of clues as to what he needs too. I follow those as much as possible.
In the post partum period, this gut feeling was unbearable sometimes, because I absolutely had no control over other parents and I felt like most of them were not doing what was best. This blog is my little way of maybe making a difference. Maybe someone will read this and decide to try EC or become more committed to breastfeeding, or will just relax a little bit. My observations of parents are that they need to let go more and not see every thing their kid does as a learning moment or a chance to redirect them to do something better. Sit back and enjoy your child, they are on a journey separate from you.
So, it's all getting better, but I have a feeling that for the rest of my life it will be difficult to hear about child abuse and neglect and mothers not even attempting to breastfeed. I just wish so much better for the world. I wished better for the world before I became a mother, but now it's internalized and has become a deep part of my being. I cherish it, but it has brought me lots of pain too. But I believe it will make me a better mother and a better human than I was before.
Friday, March 23, 2012
Stupid Questions
I really want to believe that there are no stupid questions. And deep down I do believe that. But I have a high intolerance for ones that seem dumb to me. I recognize this as being my problem most of the time. It get annoyed when people ask me the same question several times.
I've kind of learned that most people have a worse memory for things people tell them than I do. Some of you tell me the same stories over and over again and sometimes I stop you and tell you that I've already heard them. Sometimes I find myself telling the same story to you, but when I ask you if you've heard it, you say, "no." I remember what you should have remembered. I think this skill helped me a lot in college when lectures are rarely repeated. I was a person who really needed to go to lecture to absorb the information.
I don't know if I would be a good teacher because of this issue I have.
Anyway, this issue is transferring to other parents. I have come to the conclusion that I am a very relaxed parent and that this is unique. I pretty much never ask questions on any of the parenting sites and web lists I'm a part of. Mostly because I don't want an answer from a random person. I also rarely have questions. I figure things are going well an when they don't, they don't last long.
But a lot of people ask what I unfairly call stupid questions on these lists. Questions like, "why isn't my 4 month old sleeping all night?" And, "I have a headache, is there anything I can take that's safe while breastfeeding?" (for those of you out of the loop, almost all drugs are considered safe)
I usually skip over these. I think to myself about how messed up the world is that people are still wondering these things. I get judgmental. I just want the world to take a big, deep breath and try to enjoy their lives.
But recently I started really paying attention to some of the responses and some of the mother's responses to the advice given and I've realized something. Most of the time these parents are just wanting support. They have come to the end of their rope and are wondering if something has gone terribly wrong and then they ask what I think is a dumb question and the responses people give usually get them back on track. And then the parents usually thank everyone for their support and tell everyone that they feel better.
And, I'm not different, I just do it less than others and in different contexts. For instance, I had no pain with breastfeeding for months and then all of a sudden it was hurting again, not a lot, but definitely hurting and I had some red spots from how he was latching. So I asked the people at my nursing mom's support group and they told me that this happens sometimes and that it's usually while they are teething. And sure enough, a few days later he got his first tooth and the pain went away.
I also have needed support in this way for EC, because almost no one does EC. So I often tell people I know who do it that we had a rough few days and they tell me that this is normal and it brings me back to reality.
So, I've tried to shift my mindset from thinking that parents are stupid and asking stupid question to the fact that parents lack support and it makes them sometimes forget simple things and it makes them sometimes worry about little things that don't matter or will resolve themselves.
I'm currently dealing with laryngitis that has now gone a whole five days and I just asked on facebook today, "when will I get my voice back?!" I feel desperate, I've never had my voice so screwed up for so long. I hate it. I just need someone to say, "I once had laryngitis for 6 days and then it went away and I got my normal voice back." I know that this is probably the case, I KNOW my voice is not gone forever, but I just need someone to give me a little support and tell me what I already know. So is that a stupid question?
I've kind of learned that most people have a worse memory for things people tell them than I do. Some of you tell me the same stories over and over again and sometimes I stop you and tell you that I've already heard them. Sometimes I find myself telling the same story to you, but when I ask you if you've heard it, you say, "no." I remember what you should have remembered. I think this skill helped me a lot in college when lectures are rarely repeated. I was a person who really needed to go to lecture to absorb the information.
I don't know if I would be a good teacher because of this issue I have.
Anyway, this issue is transferring to other parents. I have come to the conclusion that I am a very relaxed parent and that this is unique. I pretty much never ask questions on any of the parenting sites and web lists I'm a part of. Mostly because I don't want an answer from a random person. I also rarely have questions. I figure things are going well an when they don't, they don't last long.
But a lot of people ask what I unfairly call stupid questions on these lists. Questions like, "why isn't my 4 month old sleeping all night?" And, "I have a headache, is there anything I can take that's safe while breastfeeding?" (for those of you out of the loop, almost all drugs are considered safe)
I usually skip over these. I think to myself about how messed up the world is that people are still wondering these things. I get judgmental. I just want the world to take a big, deep breath and try to enjoy their lives.
But recently I started really paying attention to some of the responses and some of the mother's responses to the advice given and I've realized something. Most of the time these parents are just wanting support. They have come to the end of their rope and are wondering if something has gone terribly wrong and then they ask what I think is a dumb question and the responses people give usually get them back on track. And then the parents usually thank everyone for their support and tell everyone that they feel better.
And, I'm not different, I just do it less than others and in different contexts. For instance, I had no pain with breastfeeding for months and then all of a sudden it was hurting again, not a lot, but definitely hurting and I had some red spots from how he was latching. So I asked the people at my nursing mom's support group and they told me that this happens sometimes and that it's usually while they are teething. And sure enough, a few days later he got his first tooth and the pain went away.
I also have needed support in this way for EC, because almost no one does EC. So I often tell people I know who do it that we had a rough few days and they tell me that this is normal and it brings me back to reality.
So, I've tried to shift my mindset from thinking that parents are stupid and asking stupid question to the fact that parents lack support and it makes them sometimes forget simple things and it makes them sometimes worry about little things that don't matter or will resolve themselves.
I'm currently dealing with laryngitis that has now gone a whole five days and I just asked on facebook today, "when will I get my voice back?!" I feel desperate, I've never had my voice so screwed up for so long. I hate it. I just need someone to say, "I once had laryngitis for 6 days and then it went away and I got my normal voice back." I know that this is probably the case, I KNOW my voice is not gone forever, but I just need someone to give me a little support and tell me what I already know. So is that a stupid question?
Monday, March 19, 2012
Five and a half months of Elimination Communication
We are nearly 6 months of doing Elimination Communication (EC) with our baby, who is nearing 10 months of age.
Recently I came to this conclusion: EC is not hard. It's hard because it's not typical. There isn't a lot of support for it and you could go your whole life in the US without seeing it in action. This is why it is hard. EC itself is not hard. I see it as similar to breastfeeding. Breastfeeding itself is the easiest way to feed and comfort your children, but it's a hard thing to do because of the lack of support and education for it. It's also possible to go your whole life without seeing someone breastfeed in front of you in the US. No wonder rates are so low.
So, no wonder almost no one does EC in this country. No wonder it's seen as this super hard thing that you'd have to be crazy to try to do. I'm going to say that it's NOT hard. You can do it! If you are thinking about doing it, I want to say that I believe that you can. I did it, and I am lazy and easily discouraged. You can do it part time, you can say, "fuck it" and not do it for a few days to have a break. You can do it when you are working full time. You can have your baby in diapers most of the day and still practice EC for a few hours a day. This is not something that only the stay at home moms with infinite patience can do. I have terrible patience. I'm not someone who can delay gratification very well. But I'm doing it. You can do, all you have to do is try and keep it up.
I also have to say that the progress is not a straight line, it goes up and down and I think the most important thing is to not let the misses and the potty strikes get to you. Those of us who do EC are pioneers in many countries. We need to accept that there is little support. Therefore even catching one pee a day is triumphant.
Some days I catch a ton of pees, some days I'm lucky to catch one pee. Poops have become harder to catch because he doesn't give me good clues as to when they are coming. 80% of the time he has a diaper back up on. I give him some naked time to help his bottom air out. Sometimes this means I have to clean up some pee or poop off the floor, but it's not often.
Some days I feel too stressed or tired or crabby to attend to the EC, so I don't. I give myself a break. But I pretty much always try to catch after sleep and after nap pees because those are the easiest. If I just do that for the next few months, I'm fine with it.
I have to admit that in the beginning I was really freaked out. I felt bad when I didn't try to catch the pees. Now I have relaxed and realized that part time EC really does work and that I'm not setting him up for failure by letting him go in his diaper sometimes. After all most parents don't even attempt any kind of pottying until their child is 2 or 3.
I also have found a little support. I have met a few parents who are doing EC. I met one women who did it part time with her daughter and she was out of diapers at 14 months! I'm hoping for diapers to be done by 18 months for Cedric. Ambitious, yes, but not impossible.
It does mean I need to pay attention to his potty needs more than the average parent of a toddler, but I think in the long term it will all be easier than trying to potty train a 2 year-old. Much like breastfeeding, which can be difficult to do for a newborn, soon becomes way easier than formula feeding. More thought and energy up front for an easier time later. This is starting to become a general parenting philosophy of mine.
EC is totally non-coercive. I don't punish or reward him for using or not using the potty. I offer it and he usually chooses to use it; sometimes he doesn't. I have found that sometimes he will go a little in his diaper and then stop until I bring him to the potty, where he will finish. Sometimes I find his diaper a little wet after stroller walks or outings where I felt too rushed or stressed to try to potty him. I almost always try to potty him when we get home after being out, and he almost always goes in the potty. Sometimes when he does go on the floor, I simply say, "Pee goes in the potty." And I bring him to the potty. But I'm not stressing too much. Sometimes I reply for him and he says, "I'm a baby, what do you expect?"
Co-sleeping helps a lot. He often stays dry all night, but sometimes he wakes up and wiggles way more than usual and I know he needs to pee, sometimes I get him to the potty and sometimes I'm too tired to get him to it on time. When he wakes up for good around 7 am, I put him on the potty right away and he pees a bunch usually.
I don't feel magically in tune with my baby. It's not some hippy, new-age thing, it's just a practical way of dealing with pee and poop. I question everything in regards to parenting. I had to question the mostly unquestioned diapering and late potty training that everyone seems to do, and what I found was an alternative. The alternative was EC and after researching it I knew it was what I wanted to do. And now that I've done it for nearly 6 months, I know I will keep it up and that I will do it with all of my children. Much like I know that I will breastfeed and that I will always attempt an un-medicated birth; I've done it now, I got through it and didn't give up, and now I can't imagine doing it differently.
I am a pioneer. I am in the minority. A growing minority, but a minority still. I am grateful that I had the education about EC and the courage to try it. I was discouraged by many others, and all I have to say about those of you who are thinking about trying it, is to do it, and don't listen to the discouraging words of others. Don't listen when they say it will be hard, when they say you are crazy, when they say it doesn't work in our society. Because there is a growing few who have proved that all wrong in the US. And millions of babies around the world are proving them all wrong everyday.
I felt overwhelmed in the beginning, mostly because I wasn't sure this would all work and I wasn't sure I was doing it enough, but I did it. Aren't most new things like that, though? I was overwhelmed during labor, I was overwhelmed during the first few weeks of breastfeeding, I was super overwhelmed at caring for a newborn. I was also overwhelmed when I started my first full time job. I was overwhelmed while buying my first house, while planning my wedding, while choosing a major in college.
Life isn't an easy ride. Parenting isn't an easy thing to do. But I don't think the actual physical and mental requirements are that high. Even you can breastfeed and do EC and discipline gently. It just takes a lot of time and a lot of courage and a lot of support, which sometimes you have to go and find or create yourself.
Recently I came to this conclusion: EC is not hard. It's hard because it's not typical. There isn't a lot of support for it and you could go your whole life in the US without seeing it in action. This is why it is hard. EC itself is not hard. I see it as similar to breastfeeding. Breastfeeding itself is the easiest way to feed and comfort your children, but it's a hard thing to do because of the lack of support and education for it. It's also possible to go your whole life without seeing someone breastfeed in front of you in the US. No wonder rates are so low.
So, no wonder almost no one does EC in this country. No wonder it's seen as this super hard thing that you'd have to be crazy to try to do. I'm going to say that it's NOT hard. You can do it! If you are thinking about doing it, I want to say that I believe that you can. I did it, and I am lazy and easily discouraged. You can do it part time, you can say, "fuck it" and not do it for a few days to have a break. You can do it when you are working full time. You can have your baby in diapers most of the day and still practice EC for a few hours a day. This is not something that only the stay at home moms with infinite patience can do. I have terrible patience. I'm not someone who can delay gratification very well. But I'm doing it. You can do, all you have to do is try and keep it up.
I also have to say that the progress is not a straight line, it goes up and down and I think the most important thing is to not let the misses and the potty strikes get to you. Those of us who do EC are pioneers in many countries. We need to accept that there is little support. Therefore even catching one pee a day is triumphant.
Some days I catch a ton of pees, some days I'm lucky to catch one pee. Poops have become harder to catch because he doesn't give me good clues as to when they are coming. 80% of the time he has a diaper back up on. I give him some naked time to help his bottom air out. Sometimes this means I have to clean up some pee or poop off the floor, but it's not often.
Some days I feel too stressed or tired or crabby to attend to the EC, so I don't. I give myself a break. But I pretty much always try to catch after sleep and after nap pees because those are the easiest. If I just do that for the next few months, I'm fine with it.
I have to admit that in the beginning I was really freaked out. I felt bad when I didn't try to catch the pees. Now I have relaxed and realized that part time EC really does work and that I'm not setting him up for failure by letting him go in his diaper sometimes. After all most parents don't even attempt any kind of pottying until their child is 2 or 3.
I also have found a little support. I have met a few parents who are doing EC. I met one women who did it part time with her daughter and she was out of diapers at 14 months! I'm hoping for diapers to be done by 18 months for Cedric. Ambitious, yes, but not impossible.
It does mean I need to pay attention to his potty needs more than the average parent of a toddler, but I think in the long term it will all be easier than trying to potty train a 2 year-old. Much like breastfeeding, which can be difficult to do for a newborn, soon becomes way easier than formula feeding. More thought and energy up front for an easier time later. This is starting to become a general parenting philosophy of mine.
EC is totally non-coercive. I don't punish or reward him for using or not using the potty. I offer it and he usually chooses to use it; sometimes he doesn't. I have found that sometimes he will go a little in his diaper and then stop until I bring him to the potty, where he will finish. Sometimes I find his diaper a little wet after stroller walks or outings where I felt too rushed or stressed to try to potty him. I almost always try to potty him when we get home after being out, and he almost always goes in the potty. Sometimes when he does go on the floor, I simply say, "Pee goes in the potty." And I bring him to the potty. But I'm not stressing too much. Sometimes I reply for him and he says, "I'm a baby, what do you expect?"
Co-sleeping helps a lot. He often stays dry all night, but sometimes he wakes up and wiggles way more than usual and I know he needs to pee, sometimes I get him to the potty and sometimes I'm too tired to get him to it on time. When he wakes up for good around 7 am, I put him on the potty right away and he pees a bunch usually.
I don't feel magically in tune with my baby. It's not some hippy, new-age thing, it's just a practical way of dealing with pee and poop. I question everything in regards to parenting. I had to question the mostly unquestioned diapering and late potty training that everyone seems to do, and what I found was an alternative. The alternative was EC and after researching it I knew it was what I wanted to do. And now that I've done it for nearly 6 months, I know I will keep it up and that I will do it with all of my children. Much like I know that I will breastfeed and that I will always attempt an un-medicated birth; I've done it now, I got through it and didn't give up, and now I can't imagine doing it differently.
I am a pioneer. I am in the minority. A growing minority, but a minority still. I am grateful that I had the education about EC and the courage to try it. I was discouraged by many others, and all I have to say about those of you who are thinking about trying it, is to do it, and don't listen to the discouraging words of others. Don't listen when they say it will be hard, when they say you are crazy, when they say it doesn't work in our society. Because there is a growing few who have proved that all wrong in the US. And millions of babies around the world are proving them all wrong everyday.
I felt overwhelmed in the beginning, mostly because I wasn't sure this would all work and I wasn't sure I was doing it enough, but I did it. Aren't most new things like that, though? I was overwhelmed during labor, I was overwhelmed during the first few weeks of breastfeeding, I was super overwhelmed at caring for a newborn. I was also overwhelmed when I started my first full time job. I was overwhelmed while buying my first house, while planning my wedding, while choosing a major in college.
Life isn't an easy ride. Parenting isn't an easy thing to do. But I don't think the actual physical and mental requirements are that high. Even you can breastfeed and do EC and discipline gently. It just takes a lot of time and a lot of courage and a lot of support, which sometimes you have to go and find or create yourself.
Monday, March 12, 2012
The Baby Items I Loved and Ones I Skipped
I'm going to say it, babies aren't expensive, health care is expensive and day care is expensive. I've been thinking a lot about the things we have bought or received as gifts for our baby and all the stuff we ended up not needing. I have found that you don't need that much. Here is my review of a few products and some notes on things I've never used.
Items I use(d):
Arm's Reach Co-Sleeper:
I loved the idea of this thing, but when it came to actually using it, it didn't work out as well. At night, Cedric ended up in bed with us the vast majority of the time. It became a barrier to keep him from falling to the floor. For my next baby, I'm going to keep the mattress on the floor and co-sleep and set up the co-sleeper as a bassinet to use for naps during the day. The co-sleeper should not be used after the baby can pull himself to his knees, which for Cedric was at 5 months.
Changing pad and table:
I love this thing! We do not use a changing pad cover because we'd have to wash it daily. One mom said, "they are plastic for a reason!" We also use an IKEA dresser instead of an actual changing table. He can use this solid wood dresser for years to come. I know some moms change their baby anywhere, and I do sometimes, but I've found that diaper changes are way easier on the table, the pad keeps him from flipping over so much and he's up high so I can hold him better. I think this item is a must.
Mei Tai Carrier or other carrier that keeps baby upright and doesn't dangle him by the crotch:
I could not figure out slings, he seemed too long for them, they seemed to squish him and make him look uncomfortable. But I tried the mei tai and it worked great, as long as it wasn't too hot out. Stay away from Baby Bjorns that dangle baby from the crotch, they aren't good for baby's legs and just think about it, does it look right? A good carrier will make a seat for the baby. I also have an Ergo which is good, but I actually like the mei tai better and so does my husband. I've heard good things about the Becko too. I personally hate ring slings right now.
Stroller:
Firstly, I wanted one that his car seat did not snap into. I could see great potential for baby to be stuck in his car seat for an entire outing. Secondly, I wanted one that rear-faced so he could see me. And thirdly, I didn't want it to cost over $200. There weren't many options. I went with a Kolcraft Contours 3-Wheel Option. It's a little big, but fits into our hatchback and met the three requirements. Later we got a light weight Graco stroller for travel that does fit his car seat, which was helpful in the airports. But now he's outgrown his infant car seat so it's just a regular stroller. I love the stroller for extended outings and long walks. I've also used it as a shopping cart before he was able to sit up in the shopping cart seat. Never put your car seat in the shopping cart seat, it can fall out and makes the shopping cart more likely to tip over which can seriously injure or kill a baby.
Infant Bouncy Chair:
I was against this at first, but we bought one when he was just a couple weeks old. We needed a place to set baby that wasn't the floor. It was great during dinner, he joined us in his chair on kitchen floor. It was also hot when he was a newborn and I simply couldn't have him in a carrier for long periods. So he often sat in the infant chair when I did necessary things like brush my teeth and eat breakfast. It was also a way to keep him entertained but turned away from the TV when mom and dad had a show they wanted to watch. I don't know if infants are supposed to nap in these chairs, but he often fell asleep in his and had really good naps in them. By 5 months he could sit up on his own and we stored it in the basement.
High Chair:
Some people skip them, but I love it and baby does too. It's a great place to do baby-led solids. Wait until baby can sit up on his own to start solids. Do not feed a baby solids while they are tipped back, I do not know why some high chairs do this. We have a cheap, basic high chair from IKEA, it's all you need.
Items we never bothered getting:
Crib or toddler bed:
I said I would buy a crib when I felt we needed one and we still have not found a need for it yet. We bought him a twin mattress, money much better spent, he should be able to use it for years. When we feel ready to move him to his own room, we will buy a frame for it. I would have thought a crib would be essential. I figured we would eventually want to move him, but I honestly sleep better with him right next to me. Don't get me wrong, I slept better before I had kids, but I don't think it's the baby that really interferes, it's being a parent that interferes. The few times he's been on his own mattress, I find myself checking on him over and over again. When he's next to me I hear all his little noises that tell me he's fine and I can go right to sleep.
Swing:
I had so many people tell me that this was ESSENTIAL! But we didn't have space for it and I doubted that I wanted my baby comforted by a plastic machine, so we didn't get one and have never missed it.
Any other plastic baby entertainment thing the baby sits in:
Our baby played on the floor, and we found that a rug and a blanket and a few toys was really all you needed. We got a baby gym as a gift and he played with that on the floor, and we had a couple other mat things for tummy time that were also gifts, but we steered clear of things the baby was supposed to sit in (besides the infant chair). He started rolling at one month, so the floor was fun to him. I could lay him on his back and he'd smile up and me and wiggle and roll a bit. This is all he did for three and a half months, then he finally started reaching for toys and soon started to scoot. So by the time he would have even been ready for any plastic entertainment device, he was on the move and did not want to be contained.
Bottle sanitizer:
Our baby didn't even get a bottle until he was 5 weeks old. I also read that the best way to kill germs off dishes is to let them dry out over night. Germs dry up and die. I boiled my pumping stuff initially, but hot soapy water, rinsing well and drying overnight is what we use to clean all of our pumping and bottling supplies. So I opted instead for a bottle drying rack, which can hold all the pumping supplies and bottles we need for a day. Also, you are not supposed to use anti-bacterial soap on bottles or pumping supplies; I'm not a fan of anti-bacterial soap anyway, I think it's a big con and doesn't actually work any better than regular soap, plus it stinks badly, haven't you noticed that?
Formula:
"Not a drop," is what I declared when he was 3 days old, and so far that is true. I suspect he will make it the next few months without needing it either.
Baby food and baby food maker:
Another total con. I have come to learn that baby food is totally unnecessary. I've had a few posts about baby-led solids. It's going great, three months of solids and no baby purees!
Items I've used that I wish I hadn't:
Bumbo chair:
It now appears that there have been so many accidents with these chairs that they really should not be on the market. Babies have even been injured with Bumbos sitting on the floor. Luckily Cedric hated his Bumbo chair. He sat in it probably a total of 5 minutes and squirmed to get out each time. He was not a fan of being contained like that. He wanted to wiggle and explore.
Pacifier:
I actually have a love-hate relationship with the pacifier. It seemed so necessary when my overactive letdown made him not want to feed very well. But now I'm learning that I got pretty bad advice for my over-active let down and I could have done things differently to help him more. Pacifiers can interfere with breastfeeding and he started using one at 2 weeks old, way before we had a good breastfeeding relationship. It could have gone way differently. I actually really did not want to give him one and told people that he was too young. I wish I would have listened to my gut more. After a while I felt trapped by the pacifier because it seemed we needed to have one or he would scream. And I was worried about the cleanliness a bit, but honestly cared more about how distressed he was without it. I now only give it to him in the car. We've stopped night time use altogether. He uses it more when I'm away from him and he can't breastfeed. He also refuses any kind of pacifier except for the Advent Soothie. Next time I'm going to keep a couple pacifiers in the car and try to not use them at other times.
Items I use(d):
Arm's Reach Co-Sleeper:
I loved the idea of this thing, but when it came to actually using it, it didn't work out as well. At night, Cedric ended up in bed with us the vast majority of the time. It became a barrier to keep him from falling to the floor. For my next baby, I'm going to keep the mattress on the floor and co-sleep and set up the co-sleeper as a bassinet to use for naps during the day. The co-sleeper should not be used after the baby can pull himself to his knees, which for Cedric was at 5 months.
Changing pad and table:
I love this thing! We do not use a changing pad cover because we'd have to wash it daily. One mom said, "they are plastic for a reason!" We also use an IKEA dresser instead of an actual changing table. He can use this solid wood dresser for years to come. I know some moms change their baby anywhere, and I do sometimes, but I've found that diaper changes are way easier on the table, the pad keeps him from flipping over so much and he's up high so I can hold him better. I think this item is a must.
Mei Tai Carrier or other carrier that keeps baby upright and doesn't dangle him by the crotch:
I could not figure out slings, he seemed too long for them, they seemed to squish him and make him look uncomfortable. But I tried the mei tai and it worked great, as long as it wasn't too hot out. Stay away from Baby Bjorns that dangle baby from the crotch, they aren't good for baby's legs and just think about it, does it look right? A good carrier will make a seat for the baby. I also have an Ergo which is good, but I actually like the mei tai better and so does my husband. I've heard good things about the Becko too. I personally hate ring slings right now.
Stroller:
Firstly, I wanted one that his car seat did not snap into. I could see great potential for baby to be stuck in his car seat for an entire outing. Secondly, I wanted one that rear-faced so he could see me. And thirdly, I didn't want it to cost over $200. There weren't many options. I went with a Kolcraft Contours 3-Wheel Option. It's a little big, but fits into our hatchback and met the three requirements. Later we got a light weight Graco stroller for travel that does fit his car seat, which was helpful in the airports. But now he's outgrown his infant car seat so it's just a regular stroller. I love the stroller for extended outings and long walks. I've also used it as a shopping cart before he was able to sit up in the shopping cart seat. Never put your car seat in the shopping cart seat, it can fall out and makes the shopping cart more likely to tip over which can seriously injure or kill a baby.
Infant Bouncy Chair:
I was against this at first, but we bought one when he was just a couple weeks old. We needed a place to set baby that wasn't the floor. It was great during dinner, he joined us in his chair on kitchen floor. It was also hot when he was a newborn and I simply couldn't have him in a carrier for long periods. So he often sat in the infant chair when I did necessary things like brush my teeth and eat breakfast. It was also a way to keep him entertained but turned away from the TV when mom and dad had a show they wanted to watch. I don't know if infants are supposed to nap in these chairs, but he often fell asleep in his and had really good naps in them. By 5 months he could sit up on his own and we stored it in the basement.
High Chair:
Some people skip them, but I love it and baby does too. It's a great place to do baby-led solids. Wait until baby can sit up on his own to start solids. Do not feed a baby solids while they are tipped back, I do not know why some high chairs do this. We have a cheap, basic high chair from IKEA, it's all you need.
Items we never bothered getting:
Crib or toddler bed:
I said I would buy a crib when I felt we needed one and we still have not found a need for it yet. We bought him a twin mattress, money much better spent, he should be able to use it for years. When we feel ready to move him to his own room, we will buy a frame for it. I would have thought a crib would be essential. I figured we would eventually want to move him, but I honestly sleep better with him right next to me. Don't get me wrong, I slept better before I had kids, but I don't think it's the baby that really interferes, it's being a parent that interferes. The few times he's been on his own mattress, I find myself checking on him over and over again. When he's next to me I hear all his little noises that tell me he's fine and I can go right to sleep.
Swing:
I had so many people tell me that this was ESSENTIAL! But we didn't have space for it and I doubted that I wanted my baby comforted by a plastic machine, so we didn't get one and have never missed it.
Any other plastic baby entertainment thing the baby sits in:
Our baby played on the floor, and we found that a rug and a blanket and a few toys was really all you needed. We got a baby gym as a gift and he played with that on the floor, and we had a couple other mat things for tummy time that were also gifts, but we steered clear of things the baby was supposed to sit in (besides the infant chair). He started rolling at one month, so the floor was fun to him. I could lay him on his back and he'd smile up and me and wiggle and roll a bit. This is all he did for three and a half months, then he finally started reaching for toys and soon started to scoot. So by the time he would have even been ready for any plastic entertainment device, he was on the move and did not want to be contained.
Bottle sanitizer:
Our baby didn't even get a bottle until he was 5 weeks old. I also read that the best way to kill germs off dishes is to let them dry out over night. Germs dry up and die. I boiled my pumping stuff initially, but hot soapy water, rinsing well and drying overnight is what we use to clean all of our pumping and bottling supplies. So I opted instead for a bottle drying rack, which can hold all the pumping supplies and bottles we need for a day. Also, you are not supposed to use anti-bacterial soap on bottles or pumping supplies; I'm not a fan of anti-bacterial soap anyway, I think it's a big con and doesn't actually work any better than regular soap, plus it stinks badly, haven't you noticed that?
Formula:
"Not a drop," is what I declared when he was 3 days old, and so far that is true. I suspect he will make it the next few months without needing it either.
Baby food and baby food maker:
Another total con. I have come to learn that baby food is totally unnecessary. I've had a few posts about baby-led solids. It's going great, three months of solids and no baby purees!
Items I've used that I wish I hadn't:
Bumbo chair:
It now appears that there have been so many accidents with these chairs that they really should not be on the market. Babies have even been injured with Bumbos sitting on the floor. Luckily Cedric hated his Bumbo chair. He sat in it probably a total of 5 minutes and squirmed to get out each time. He was not a fan of being contained like that. He wanted to wiggle and explore.
Pacifier:
I actually have a love-hate relationship with the pacifier. It seemed so necessary when my overactive letdown made him not want to feed very well. But now I'm learning that I got pretty bad advice for my over-active let down and I could have done things differently to help him more. Pacifiers can interfere with breastfeeding and he started using one at 2 weeks old, way before we had a good breastfeeding relationship. It could have gone way differently. I actually really did not want to give him one and told people that he was too young. I wish I would have listened to my gut more. After a while I felt trapped by the pacifier because it seemed we needed to have one or he would scream. And I was worried about the cleanliness a bit, but honestly cared more about how distressed he was without it. I now only give it to him in the car. We've stopped night time use altogether. He uses it more when I'm away from him and he can't breastfeed. He also refuses any kind of pacifier except for the Advent Soothie. Next time I'm going to keep a couple pacifiers in the car and try to not use them at other times.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Three Months of Baby-Led Solids
Cedric is 9 months old today! (If there were a February 30th) He's been enjoying solid food for 3 months. It's going really well. First of all I have to say that I think the risk of babies choking on food is over-exaggerated. You should stay away from hard things like nuts, but I've found that even tough pieces of meat and even some raw veggies mostly just fall out of his mouth eventually. We've had a few gagging incidents that have led to him throwing up a bit. It's how I knew to avoid leafy greens for now and flakey cereal. Those two items get stuck because of their flatness and thinness. But both times he's gagged, thrown up and been totally fine. I make sure the piece of food is smaller than his throat so that it couldn't get lodged in there, but after that, most things are fine.
He still has no teeth, so I try to keep that in mind, but honestly gums work really well. He now is able to move the pieces of food to the back of his mouth and swallow them. He does really well with small squishy things like blueberries and tofu is also super easy for him to manage. Yogurt on a spoon that I hand to him is now actually making it to his mouth and he's getting it down. He is able to hold things, even some slippery things, way better. He even drank out of a cup a couple times. For now regular cups seem to work way better than sippy cups. He tried to use the sippy cup like a breast or a straw and doesn't tip it back, but with a regular cup he understands how it works. We only give him water to drink besides breast milk.
I know I said I didn't want to give him any sweets, but I've totally gone back on that, he's had cookies and cupcake and ice cream... and more. It's not a huge part of his diet, but I just couldn't resist. He has had sugar and I guess that's OK. He's also had french fries! But mostly it's been veggies and fruit and yogurt and hummus and tofu and chicken and bread. He's also starting to handle spicier food better, he used to scream if it was too spicy. We like spice in this house, so I was eager to get him used to spicy food early. Babies in India and Thailand eat spicy food just fine, so I see no reason to hold off. I'm not going to give him habeneros or anything like that, but curry sauces and salsas are great.
His poos have changed a lot and are way more stinky and sometimes more formed. This has increased my desire to catch them in the potty. We catch them every once and a while. He makes a very obvious noise during the poop, but not much before. So sometimes I catch half a poop in the potty and that's a success in my mind.
He's had some skin reaction to acidic foods, or at least that's our best guess, but the reactions are very inconsistent. He got a rash on his face from tomato sauce, but then was fine with curry sauce which has tomatoes in it. Hummus seems to give him a reaction every 5th time or something like that. We really don't think this is a true allergic reaction, just a skin sensitivity, but we have tried to be more alert when he is eating, I look really closely at his face now. It's possible the reactions are only noticeable when he gets really messy, or maybe certain brands of food are more acidic. Or maybe there is a totally different culprit that we haven't figured out yet. But none of this seems to bother him at all.
I have spoon fed him a little, mostly when I have not wanted to deal with the mess. I once made a really messy smoothie and decided to spoon feed him a little of it. I might get him a straw cup for things like this when he's a bit older. Still, 98% of the solids he gets is from self-feeding. Some days he doesn't get to much solids and other days we offer a lot, it all depends on how the day is going and whether he sleeps through meals or not. Way better than sitting there at a specific time every day trying to get food into him. We are very relaxed about it and Cedric is growing well and is a happy, healthy guy. His high chair has become a nice place to put him when I'm unloading the dishwasher or preparing food. If he's in a reasonably good mood I can put him in it and offer him a toy or some food and then I can go about my business, watching him and getting stuff done around the kitchen. Then we can eat as a family with little interruption as he plays with his own food. If he's in a crabbier mood I sometimes eat with him on my lap and he either eats solids from the table or I nurse him.
I also love how portable nursing has become, I can nurse and use the computer, nurse and read, nurse and use the phone, nurse and eat, nurse and hang out with my friends. I've even nursed and hiked! Breastfeeding can be a challenge, but it's a total time saver when your baby gets older, great for lazy people like me. And you really cannot over do nursing, baby will not over-fed himself while breastfeeding. Boob is still the go to object when he is hurt or crabby or mad or tired. It's solves so many problems right now. It's not only for food, it's for pain relief and comfort and relaxation. I don't know what I would do without it. I actually love that my breasts are pacifiers, it means I don't need to go wash and locate a pacifier, that would take too much work! More on pacifiers later and my love/hate relationship with them.
He still has no teeth, so I try to keep that in mind, but honestly gums work really well. He now is able to move the pieces of food to the back of his mouth and swallow them. He does really well with small squishy things like blueberries and tofu is also super easy for him to manage. Yogurt on a spoon that I hand to him is now actually making it to his mouth and he's getting it down. He is able to hold things, even some slippery things, way better. He even drank out of a cup a couple times. For now regular cups seem to work way better than sippy cups. He tried to use the sippy cup like a breast or a straw and doesn't tip it back, but with a regular cup he understands how it works. We only give him water to drink besides breast milk.
I know I said I didn't want to give him any sweets, but I've totally gone back on that, he's had cookies and cupcake and ice cream... and more. It's not a huge part of his diet, but I just couldn't resist. He has had sugar and I guess that's OK. He's also had french fries! But mostly it's been veggies and fruit and yogurt and hummus and tofu and chicken and bread. He's also starting to handle spicier food better, he used to scream if it was too spicy. We like spice in this house, so I was eager to get him used to spicy food early. Babies in India and Thailand eat spicy food just fine, so I see no reason to hold off. I'm not going to give him habeneros or anything like that, but curry sauces and salsas are great.
His poos have changed a lot and are way more stinky and sometimes more formed. This has increased my desire to catch them in the potty. We catch them every once and a while. He makes a very obvious noise during the poop, but not much before. So sometimes I catch half a poop in the potty and that's a success in my mind.
He's had some skin reaction to acidic foods, or at least that's our best guess, but the reactions are very inconsistent. He got a rash on his face from tomato sauce, but then was fine with curry sauce which has tomatoes in it. Hummus seems to give him a reaction every 5th time or something like that. We really don't think this is a true allergic reaction, just a skin sensitivity, but we have tried to be more alert when he is eating, I look really closely at his face now. It's possible the reactions are only noticeable when he gets really messy, or maybe certain brands of food are more acidic. Or maybe there is a totally different culprit that we haven't figured out yet. But none of this seems to bother him at all.
I have spoon fed him a little, mostly when I have not wanted to deal with the mess. I once made a really messy smoothie and decided to spoon feed him a little of it. I might get him a straw cup for things like this when he's a bit older. Still, 98% of the solids he gets is from self-feeding. Some days he doesn't get to much solids and other days we offer a lot, it all depends on how the day is going and whether he sleeps through meals or not. Way better than sitting there at a specific time every day trying to get food into him. We are very relaxed about it and Cedric is growing well and is a happy, healthy guy. His high chair has become a nice place to put him when I'm unloading the dishwasher or preparing food. If he's in a reasonably good mood I can put him in it and offer him a toy or some food and then I can go about my business, watching him and getting stuff done around the kitchen. Then we can eat as a family with little interruption as he plays with his own food. If he's in a crabbier mood I sometimes eat with him on my lap and he either eats solids from the table or I nurse him.
I also love how portable nursing has become, I can nurse and use the computer, nurse and read, nurse and use the phone, nurse and eat, nurse and hang out with my friends. I've even nursed and hiked! Breastfeeding can be a challenge, but it's a total time saver when your baby gets older, great for lazy people like me. And you really cannot over do nursing, baby will not over-fed himself while breastfeeding. Boob is still the go to object when he is hurt or crabby or mad or tired. It's solves so many problems right now. It's not only for food, it's for pain relief and comfort and relaxation. I don't know what I would do without it. I actually love that my breasts are pacifiers, it means I don't need to go wash and locate a pacifier, that would take too much work! More on pacifiers later and my love/hate relationship with them.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)