Don't Worry Your Child Will Not Be Nursed to Sleep in His Dorm Room

People are quite curious of our sleeping situation which right now is a queen mattress on the floor next to a twin mattress on floor, but we still all usually end up on the queen mattress.  And, for the most part I nurse my baby to sleep, or sometimes he nurses a little then takes a pacifier to sleep (the baby likes to suck more than he likes to drink).  It's really working for us, and is convenient for night time elimination communication when I'm able to do it.

What I hear from other people who have kids is usually full of fears and worries and wondering when it will all be better.  People are WAY too freaked out about sleep.  There is this idea going around that if you don't somehow figure out how to get yourself to sleep and stay asleep all night by the time you are six months old you will have sleep problems for ever. 

I nurse my six-month-old in the middle of the night sometimes.  This is something several people and books have told me he DOESN'T NEED, "stop doing that, or he'll get used to it and need it... FOREVER."  Get rid of the pacifier too pretty soon or you'll never get rid of that.  But for God's sake keep him in diapers at LEAST two years... maybe even 3 or 4. 

Can you see that there might be some cultural biases happening here?

People usually ask me if we have a plan for getting him into his own bed.  Last time, my husband answered this, "uh I guess before the next one comes..."  No, we don't have a plan.  We aren't the planning type.  If something comes up later that makes this arrangement not work, then we will change it.  We changed it once.  We used to have a queen bed next to a co-sleeper, but the baby got too mobile for that arrangement by 5 months, so we minimized the falling out of bed risk by putting the mattress right on the floor.

I'm really not buying into the idea that my child will need to learn how to fall asleep on his own and that this is somehow something I will need to plan out and teach him.  I didn't teach him anything else he knows.  He's close to crawling, but I didn't teach him how to do it.  I didn't teach him how to do the cooing/babbling he does.  I didn't teach him to smile or laugh.  These are things that the vast majority of children do, eventually, but no one plans it out.  And they all do it at different times.  Some babies are barely a month when they smile, some don't smile until three months.  Some children are crawling at 4 months, some aren't crawling until after a year. 

I really have to remind myself sometimes that our sleep situation is great.  We are all getting enough sleep.  I have to remember that contrary to what some might say, even if I'm still nursing him to sleep when he's two or three, I won't be be nursing him to sleep in his dorm room. 

I think it is a fallacy that we have that much control over when and how our kids grow up.  All we can do is give them a nurturing environment and let them grow up how and when they would like.  The more we push and turn things into a struggle, the more struggles we will have.  All children grow up, even in less than ideal circumstances.  Let's all try to accept the kids we have today.

Diaper Genies Make Diapers Stink More

Short subject that I've been meaning to talk about.

Chances are if you use disposable diapers, you have a Diaper Genie.  Throw it out.  You are making your diapers more stinky.  A Diaper Genie, for those of you not in the know about useless baby products, is a plastic container with a plastic bag inside of it that you put disposable diapers into and you turn the bag so that the diaper is essentially locked up air tight.

Great! You are thinking.  No.  If this Diaper Genie actually worked like a Genie and transported them to the garbage on garbage day without you having to do anything, then maybe it would be worth it.  But here is the reality: eventually you have to empty the Diaper Genie.  And at the rate young babies go through diapers, possibly you will have to empty them on a day that's not garbage day.  Or if you work at a day care center or something like that, chances are you empty it every night. 

And here is what happens to diapers that have been locked in an airtight space: they get really, really, really, stinky.  I have had to empty a wet bag that had a poopy cloth diaper kept in it over night accidentally.  It was pretty bad.  Even ones coming home from 8 hours of day care are getting to the unbearably stinky point. So imagine what a whole week or a few days worth of diapers that have been trapped inside of a Diaper Genie must smell like.  And in my experience, the smell escapes when you empty them.  Or maybe the plastic bag catches on something... it's just a thin piece of plastic after all.

How do you keep them from stinking?  Let air get to them.  We put our dirty cloth diapers in to a plastic bin without a top, they don't stink up our bedroom.  When we use disposables, they go into a paper grocery bag that we use as a trash can, also in our bedroom, no top, no plastic, and they don't stink.  We use some disposable wipes and these also go in the paper bag, again, no stink. 

Who ever invented the Diaper Genie really is an evil genius.  Because I think nearly every parent has one and it does the opposite of what they bought it to do.  A great example of a convenience item that makes things less convenient.  I could do a whole series, maybe I will.

On Six Months of Exclusive Breastfeeding

I did it!  I made it through six months of exclusive breastfeeding!  This is a huge accomplishment, one that only 20% of moms in Minnesota right now can say.  By six months less than half are breastfeeding at all.  So even if you are breastfeeding a little at this point you are doing better than the majority, so that deserves recognition too. 

I got a sample of formula in the mail when I got home from the hospital (I'm guessing from my Babies R Us registry, time to not shop with them anymore, they don't have much I want anyway).  I declared, as I held my three-day-old infant, "You.  Will.  Never.  Taste.  Formula!"  I didn't know if it would be true, but I hoped, and I figured declaring it would help.  Six months in, I'm pretty sure that declaration will remain true. 

Years ago I said that I would do two years of breastfeeding at a minimum.  So I'm 1/4 of the way there, and I'm pretty sure the hardest 1/4 is behind me.  Before getting pregnant I really had NO idea breastfeeding rates were so low, I kept hearing all these horror stories from people about how they just couldn't get their supply up and it freaked the hell out of me because I just really had no idea how little support there was out there for it and how many moms get bad advice and bad support, even from professionals. 

My first bit of bad support came from a nurse in the hospital where I delivered.  What I needed to hear, what every new mom who is committed to breastfeeding needs to hear, was, "I know it's hard and confusing and frustrating, but you are doing the absolute best thing for your baby by breastfeeding, I know you can do it," instead while I was showing frustration over his "perfect" latch feeling very painful she said, "well there is always formula."  Fuck you, seriously, fuck you, is what I should have said.  Instead I just got more frustrated and felt more alone.  Support is not telling a frustrated woman that it's OK if she quits, support is telling her she can do it, she and her baby were born to do this. 

I had to figure it out on my own sometimes.  I pretty much stopped wearing a top for the first days, fabric didn't feel good.  Turns out that was one of the best things I could do for my sore nipples, let them get exposed to air.  No one told me this, I read about it later.  Ladies, beginning breastfeeding is no time to be modest, get topless, get skin-on-skin contact, and let the air get to your nipples.  My pain was reduced greatly by about 5 days post partum. 

I also didn't chart or keep track of his feeding times.  I'm lazy.  I had no energy for this.  Everyone was telling me to watch the clock and note the time.  I defied them and just fed my baby whenever he seemed hungry, for as long as he would feed.  Later I read a LLL poster that had in big, bold letters, "DON'T WATCH THE CLOCK, WATCH YOUR BABY!"  Apparently my instinct was right. 

What I'm trying to get at is: No kidding breastfeeding rates are low, women have so little support and so much misinformation given to them.  There is always some personal responsibility, but really, I can't blame women for giving up entirely.  It also takes a lot of courage for women like me to be the minority of breastfeeders.  We are the few who feed on demand in any location.  Who get curious looks, but stand our ground and sometimes have to defend our rights.  We are bombarded with formula ads and samples.  We get looked at with envy, with scorn, with judgement, with shock, and, rarely, with kindness and joy.  It's a lot to take on and most of the time we feel very alone, especially if we are the super few who make it to one and two or even three or more years.  From the reading I've done, I'd advise every mother to try to make it to two years.

Two years of breastfeeding give benefits not only to your baby but to you.  Benefits like: decreased chance of breast and ovarian cancer, decreased chance of diabetes, decreased chance of hypertension, and decreased chance of osteoporosis.  And for baby it gives him a decreased chance of almost every disease imaginable.  Breastfeeding also sends out a bunch of love chemicals, it actually helps you fall in love with your baby and changes your brain into a mother's brain.  The brains of mothers who did not breastfeed looks the same as those with stillborn children (don't ask me how, I should find the study).  That is crazy, if you don't breastfeed, at least according to your brain, your baby died.  Freaky shit.

Bonding is so important, it's what makes you able to rock a screaming infant for well over an hour without losing your cool, to even enjoy it sometimes (I have felt enjoyment while comforting my crying baby).  It makes you responsive and alert to your baby's needs.  And that oxytocin and prolactin relax you a lot, it's like being on really, really good drugs, without any side effects or hangovers.  I personally have found it to be among the best anti-anxiety concoctions I've ever taken.  I can't imagine raising an infant without the constant flow of oxytocin and prolactin.  Pumping at work made WORK feel less stressful, it is amazing stuff, and they can't give it to you in the form of a pill because it won't cross the blood-brain barrier.  (can you tell I've read a lot about this recently?)

It also makes nighttime a total breeze if you bed share.  Put baby to boob, go back to sleep.  Practice the side laying nursing position during the day and get it down if you don't have it down yet, it is amazing.  Sleep like a baby, next to your baby.  Though, granted, I have been told I have a somewhat easier baby when it comes to sleep.  But maybe it's because I bedshared and nursed him, I guess we'll never know.  Colic is way more common in formula-fed infants.  Also, since he was in bed with me, he rarely had to get all the way to crying if he woke up hungry, because I'd noticed right away and woke up when he did and gave him what he needed.  We often had and still have cryless nights. 

And did I mention breastfeeding is free and formula will cost you a few thousand dollars for that first year?  It also takes no preparation right out of the boob.  And has antibodies and won't spoil in your boob, or get contaminated with contaminated drinking water... the list goes on.  If you get stranded, you can still feed your baby... I could go on more, I guess I'll stop. 

Anyway, I realize that I lucked out, somehow I got enough support.  That really is the bottom line.  I got enough exposure, enough education, enough encouragement, and I, myself, had enough determination.  I had few problems, but still had three lactation consultant appointments.  I was not going to give up.

Breastfeeding gets more and more easy every month.  Right now it's as easy as: set baby on lap; expose boob; breastfeed.  He sits up pretty well and has no trouble finding the nipple.  He's bit me a couple times, but always after a good feeding, I just take him off and let him chew something else. The biggest problem I had was my over active let down, but now he seems to pretty much be used to it.  He spits up more frequently than average because he gets too much of it, but he's still thriving and growing and doing really well. 

Now we are starting our baby-led feeding (I've decided to call it that instead of baby-led weaning).  Last night I gave him a chunk of banana, cooked zucchini, and cooked pasta with a little pasta sauce to play with.  The night before it was rice and broccoli florets with spicy Szechuan sauce.  He didn't get much or possibly any of it into his stomach, but this seems a lot more fun than spoon feeding.  I think Indian is on the menu tonight.  I think I can also confidently declare, "you will never taste rice cereal or baby food or specially made purees!"  I don't know that it's ture, but I hope for now. 

I'll write more about baby-led feeding later.  I'm quite excited about it.

So What The F#@k is Safe?

The latest thing deemed unsafe for babies?  Bumper Pads.  This doesn't bother me too much, because we don't have a crib, so we lack any bars to pad.  What bothers me is that every year they say something else about cribs isn't safe.  When I was pregnant it was that drop side cribs weren't safe, to which I thought, "well now we can't ever get baby into the crib, so forget about it."

Did you also know that blankets aren't safe, neither are sleep positioners.  They are even saying that maybe swaddling a baby with a special swaddle blanket isn't safe.  It's also common for babies to deliberately bang their heads on the crib bars, probably the reason bumper pads came to be.  Then you've got to have a FIRM mattress.  And put that baby on their back!! Something I decided wasn't my thing after having my son choke on his spit up many times (Cedric mostly sleeps on his side and has since birth). 

And don't ever put any toys near them, or let any pets near them, and their clothing should be all cotton and no buttons that could pop off, and no strings, and zippers should zip down rather than up. Not TOO much clothing, but not too LITTLE either, they will be cold.  AHHH!

Honestly, for those of you who do keep your baby in a crib.  What the hell do you have them wear?  How are they not cold without a blanket?  Do you really use those wearable blankets, because those look like the most inconvenient thing on the plant, especially considering a baby initially sleep like 22 hours a day, do they just wear it all day long?  I gotta say that I don't get it. 

So crib bars are hard, but bumper pads are unsafe, blankets are unsafe, drop sides are unsafe, most clothes seem to be unsafe, and maybe swaddling for sleep isn't safe... Does anyone begin to wonder if maybe, just maybe, CRIBS aren't safe? 

Maybe babies aren't supposed to be left unattended while sleeping? 

Seriously.

Maybe they are supposed to fall asleep next to their nursing mother, since so many mothers report that they nurse their babies down to sleep? 

Why do I only hear about crib safety, when it seems like nothing is safe.  Where exactly is the safe stuff??

And it's extra annoying to those of us who don't use cribs at all, because what we are doing is considered unsafe, we are told to just not do it.  There is no guidance, so we do what we feel is most safe.  We watch our babies, we tune into our gut and we sleep pretty darn well next to our babies. 

There are so many things that are considered not safe now that it seems like it's almost impossible to safely leave your baby in a crib.  Think about it, how do you get a sleeping baby down into a crib without dropping the side of the crib?  Suppose you get that baby in there somehow without waking it; how do you keep them warm without a blanket?  Maybe they are wearing a wearable blanket already, but chances are they weren't.  Do you risk waking him up to slip it on?  Fuck no, you put a blanket over him!  I'm pretty sure even those who are using a crib with a firm mattress just like all the guidelines say, do not follow every safety rule. 

There are some guidelines for co-sleeping, but some of them don't make sense, like keeping pillows and comforters away from baby.  Pillows, maybe, I get, but if the baby is in bed, he's going to be under the comforter.  Personalty I just try to keep it off his head.  This summer, when he was really little and at a greater risk of suffocating, it was hot, so we sometimes had no covers at all. 

Can we please get some realistic and good guideline for this stuff.  The only good things I've heard are: breastfeed, don't smoke, don't take drugs or meds that make you drowsy, and make sure baby isn't getting over-heated.  I feel like if we follow these few guideline, we'll be pretty good.  Common sense stuff like making sure he doesn't fall off the bed, is good too, but claiming all these things are unsafe without giving any kind of realistic alternative is going to fall on deaf ears.  Sleep is already hard, and putting in all these "rules" without realizing the realities of life with a baby and unnecessarily demonizing bed sharing, doesn't help.  I want to hear goddamn stories of people who follow all the sleep safety rules, I don't think these people exist. 

More on the Elimination Communication Craziness

We are doing more.  Elimination Communication (EC) is picking up a bit.  Our baby is sturdier now and can be more easily held over or even placed on a potty. 

Yes, it's a weird thing for the USA.  You probably think I'm nuts, but it's not nuts, I swear. 

Did you know that before disposable diapers became popular most babies were potty trained around 12-18 months? 
Did you know that EC is not only practiced in third world countries, but is practiced in modern places like Prague?
Did you know infants naturally don't want to pee on themselves or their caregiver?

Our baby is now 5 months old, so we're crossing into that late start category.  He doesn't give much of a signal that we can pick up.  But I have used timing to catch several pees and even one poop.  On average I catch about two pees a day.  A small start, but a success none the less.  Some days are better than others. 

For now we only do it at home, but do try to change him as soon as he is wet at other times.  We have his bottom bare sometimes and at other times we put a cloth diaper on without a cover, and other times I put pants on him without anything under them.  Babies don't usually pee in their sleep, so he's taken lots of naked naps and then I put him on the potty when he wakes up.  I think night time might be the easiest time to do it.  Because during the day, when he's not napping, I just don't see the cues.  I give a cueing noise when I do notice him peeing. 

But why am I doing it?  Well, I didn't become a parent thinking, "people seem to be raising children pretty well right now."  I went into it thinking, "dear God, me and my friends are pretty messed up for whatever it is our parents did.  We all seem to have low self esteem, some kind of food issue, low energy, and either a mood disorder or an anxiety disorder.  What the hell happened?  We need to seriously look at changing how we raise children." 

So you can see that doing things differently has appealed to me greatly.  Because I know what it's like to be me as an adult and I have to be honest with you, it kind of sucks.  I can look pretty decent on the outside, but I am filled with inner turmoil.  I don't want my children to feel like I do.  It's my motivation for almost everything.  It was the reason I drank zero alcohol and took no prescription meds during pregnancy, it's the reason I so badly wanted a drug free labor, something, anything to maybe lower his exposure to things that might mess with his brain or our attachment after delivery. 

And I don't care if I'm the only one doing it, but maybe, just maybe my child won't have all the bladder control issues I had if I get him used to recognizing them now.  If babies don't even wet themselves in their sleep, why did I do it at 9 and 10 years of age?  Something got messed up with either the bladder or the sleep.  And if I can do something to maybe lessen the chance of that, then I'm going to do it. 

I don't think delayed potty training is normal.   A good portion of 4-year-olds aren't potty trained now days.  Some children will never show those so called "readiness signs." And potty training is not done in a day.  Some children do fine with it, but some struggle for years and might be like me and not really have control until nearly middle school.  That's not normal, especially when young babies have control over their sphincter muscles at birth. 

With my next child I'm really going to try to start younger, I just couldn't start at birth this time, hopefully I'll have an easier post partum time the next time around.  But we are having some success with our older baby, and that's pretty cool. 

The Moment You Were Born, I Was Born

I've been thinking a lot about giving birth.  Above is the first picture ever taken of my son, probably within a minute of his birth.  That's me with my boobs awkwardly uncovered (next time I'm getting completely topless).  That's my husband's arm around me.  That's some nurse whose name I don't think I ever knew.  My doula is holding the camera. 

I remember this moment like nothing else.  I didn't cry.  I was in amazement.  I smiled.  I was forever changed.  I was born in that moment.  The moment my son was born, I was born.  What is truly amazing is that I did it, like so many women before me, without ever doing it before.  You can't really prepare for giving birth.  You can read books and take classes, which I recommend.  But yours will go differently and you won't really be prepared. 

Mine didn't go as planned.  First of all I thought I would be more conscious than I was, but after my water broke about 8 hours before he was born, time and actions and people and places are a total blur.  I needed a lot of support, I couldn't call the shots, I needed my doula and the nurses to tell me what to do, what position to get into.  I was only able to turn inward and cope with the pain and then push when I felt like pushing, everything else needed to done by someone else.  My doula made sure I got water, a nurse got me juice, they told me when to try the bathroom, and Brent told me that I could do it, I could birth.  I had no energy for these things and I'm grateful for the support I had. 

I also couldn't get in the water and I know it sounds silly, but I mourn the loss of my warm tub of water.  I think I had to go through a lot more pain than I needed to because I wasn't allowed in the tub.  But in the end, I gave birth without drugs or interventions, which was my first priority.  And I'm not against drugs or interventions when the women is informed and makes a choice about it, but I wonder sometimes if others have had this moment in the picture above; the clarity, the awe, the moment of birth.  Nothing else in the entire world mattered in this moment.

And isn't that kind of what becoming a mom is about?  Nothing really matters besides your children.  If the kids are OK, then the world is OK.  I feel like I would have another child simply to have this moment again, that is how amazing it was.  The moment of birth is enough to make the pregnancy, the labor, the post partum hell all worth it.  I didn't cry when he was born, but looking back on it I do; tears of pure, unstoppable joy. 

And the next moment after the one pictured above (a few minutes later), I breastfed for the first time.

 

And I haven't stopped in five months.

Get Your Shots! Please...

I try to not do anything regarding parenthood without researching it a bit and really getting in tune with my gut feeling.  Vaccines were something I kind of bounced around with when I was pregnant and a little after.  I bounced around because a lot of the stuff I do, like not circumcising, breastfeeding, co-sleeping, baby wearing, cloth diapering, and elimination communication are grouped into this Natural Parenting category and a lot of those sites and books talk about how horrible vaccines are. 

So I did some reading and parents claim the vaccines cause so many things that I just can't find any real evidence for.  I'm not saying it's not possible that vaccines can ruin immune systems (hey vaccines do affect immune systems fundamentally), but I've gotten all my vaccines and recently had to get re-vaccinated against a couple things that didn't take the first time, and as far as I know, I'm pretty healthy.

I realize that "me" is a small sample size.  But I think the majority of babies get vaccinated today and the majority are just fine. 

To imagine a world without vaccines all you have to do is to talk with people like my grandparents who remember the days when kids were paralyzed by polio, who had several kids come down with the measles, who had family members get whooping cough very young.  The diseases these vaccines protect against are very real and can be deadly.  I decided that the small risk of vaccination was less than the risk of my baby possibly getting one of these possibly deadly diseases. 

There are some people that can't get vaccines.  A good example is babies and young children too young for certain vaccines.  Some people are also allergic to some of the ingredients in the vaccines.  Some people have other medical complications that make vaccines more dangerous.  But there is this amazing, amazing, amazing thing called the herd effect.  The herd effect is when about 85% of the population is vaccinated against a certain illness the risk of the illness for the entire population is nearly 0%.  This means that if 85% of you went out and got your flu vaccines my little baby, who is too young for the flu vaccine, would still be protected against it. 

This is why there was such a drop in things like whooping cough and German measles and polio, because a good 85% of people were vaccinated against these illnesses in the United States. 

Getting yourself vaccinated and your healthy children who can get the vaccines vaccinated not only protects them, it protects those who would get vaccinated if they could, but can't.  I'm not only protecting Cedric from these diseases, I'm protecting the babies out there who are too young or too ill. 

If this anti-vaccine craze continues for too long it could have devastating effects on our over all public health. 

That being said we did opt out of a couple things.  We didn't get him the Hep B vaccine yet.  From what I've read, Hep B is so rarely picked up by babies and young children.  We decided to get him the Hep B vaccine before he is sexually active (when he could actually catch it).  Since they get so many vaccines this first year, we figured putting off one would be good. 

We also refused the E-mycin in the eyes after birth because it also seemed unnecessary since I didn't have any STIs.  This one we got some guff for in the hospital and had to refuse it several times before they left us alone.  I wanted to say something like, "look, I'm a smart person who researches this stuff and I don't want it!" 

So my unwelcome advice is to get the vaccines that make sense for your family, delay them if you want to, but really, if your child can handle them, it's really a great thing to do for them and those who don't have a choice in vaccinating. 

Happiness is a warm baby by your side

I have not updated in a while.  Because I went back to work full time, which meant I pretty much had no free time.  I'd miss baby at work and then go home and spend all my time off of work with baby and maybe have a friend over on Saturday or Sunday for a few hours.  I spent a lot of time crying and telling Brent that, "I can't do it anymore!" 

So I quit my job.  I gave them four weeks notice, because I like my job and want four weeks to not worry about money, but to know that the end is near.  I'm also looking for part time work. 

One of my friends said that I've never looked happier than when I'm with my baby.  I know they say that children won't bring you happiness, but, dammit, I don't believe it.  After the initial post-partum insanity (and I felt pretty nuts) ended, I really do feel so happy.  Maybe it's all the happy chemicals that go into your system while breastfeeding.  I've been laughing way more.  I used to get crabby or feel overwhelmed when something went wrong.  But the last time I dropped a container of left overs on to the floor and was looking down at dinner spilled on the floor, I laughed.  I laughed hysterically for a few minutes.  Then the self with all of our canned goods and dry goods collapsed the other day and I laughed too, and then calmly repaired the shelf. 

Maybe it's because once you have a baby, ALL that matters is that baby.  You would die for it, or starve, or eat glass to protect that baby.  Dinner spilled on the floor doesn't matter, a broken shelf doesn't matter, water in the basement (our current problem) doesn't matter.  We'll fix these minor problems with our stuff.  Things can be replaced; people can't. 

So is that happiness?  The ability to not stress over the small stuff? 

Or is it that I fall asleep next to this little warm, wonderful baby every night?  I used to dread night coming when I was newly post-partum, the Sun would set and I would cry, "I hate night."  "Night" was definitely something we had to learn how to do, but now night is one of the most wonderful bonding times I have with baby.  I definitely would not sleep well if he wasn't next to me. 

There must be happy chemicals that come out when you sleep next to someone you love.  I get to sleep next to two people I love.  Who needs the money?  We'll figure out how to live on less money, we make more than we need right now, we'll just have to save less every month, but I do hope we can eventually get to where we are saving at least $100 a month or more.  We have big plans with our savings; it might just take a few extra years, but parenthood is not efficient in anyway.  We will have to accept this fact. 

I still want to work two or three days a week; to have some adult interaction and let Brent have some alone time with the baby.  Plus we really need to have more income than Brent gets through his job; unless we want to sell the car, get rid of our cellphones, internet, and cut payments to my student loans significantly.  I guess we could do all that if we need to.  My car will be paid off in June, so that will help.  Although I'll need to do some major maintenance work next year too (shocks and struts are expensive). 

It's never been more apparent to me that money does not bring happiness.  If I were making a million dollars I year, I think I would still quit my job.  Happiness isn't money, it's a warm baby by your side. 

Small Sugguestion: Make Nude Breasts, Yes All of Them, Everywhere, Legal

I guess I am lucky that I am not very modest.  I wasn't taught to feel ashamed of my breasts.  At the hospital I wore my gown backwards and open in front.  My breasts were always out.  I covered them up when certain people visited or we were taking photos, because if I'm not breastfeeding, I don't want just anyone to be able to see them, but otherwise they hung there for easy access for my newborn baby.  Plus they hurt and any fabric on them made it worse, so I kept the fabric off of them. 

I had to assure some people that I didn't care if they saw them, they were food producers now, maybe before they were for sexual arousal, but not anymore.  Sex was a good six weeks away and one of the farthest things from my mind immediately following the birth. 

The first time I nursed in public I did it in my car, mostly because we were so new to it, I was maybe only a week or two post partum, and we were still getting the hang of it, I needed less distraction, and the weather wasn't too bad.  I nursed at my coworker's wedding reception when he was 13 days old, and I kind of tried to use a scarf to cover him, but I found it difficult.  I really didn't want strangers ogling my boobs at that time. 

I found some private rooms that were nice for nursing in the Galleria, but did not find one in Southdale, so I nursed on a bench in the hall.  This was a little hard for me because my husband was in the bathroom at the time and I was still feeling kind of crazy from the birth and feared I would just start crying if anyone said anything.  But eventually I decided that I was going to feed him when he needed it, wherever he needed it.  If I knew of a room with a nice couch, sure I'd go there, but I would not avoid places because of breastfeeding.  So I fed him at a picnic table at Pride, in almost every restaurant we've been in, on park benches, and recently during a wedding ceremony.  I've fed him lying down on a blanket in the park too, and in my own yard.  He was born May 30th and nursed through some of the hottest weather we've had, no way was I going to cover him up, especially not his head. 

So why did I try to cover up once, and why did I fear strangers seeing my breasts, even though I was doing something so natural and good for my baby?  And it hit me today.  Normally it is illegal for a woman to be topless in public.  This is why they need to have separate breastfeeding laws that protect mothers who are feeding their babies.  Imagine a world where women could go topless.  Men already have that right.  I've seen countless men out jogging topless, sitting in parks topless, playing basketball topless, swimming topless of course.  We think nothing of it because men's nipples aren't seen as sexual.  But for anyone who's had any experience with sex, you know that a man can get just as much pleasure from his nipples as a woman.  They are still sexual areas on a man as much as a women.  And I can guarantee that some women and men too find the sight of a nicely sculpted bare chest a huge turn on, as much of a turn on as the sight of a pair of bare breasts. 

So why the double standard?  Why do men get to have their nipples out and women don't, even breastfeeding women get told to cover up?  It's arbitrary. 

Imagine a world where women could sunbathe topless and swim topless and hang out topless, as men have the privilege of doing?  Would it really be that bad?  I think breasts would be less sexualized, similar to a man's bare chest, still sexual, but not "OMGPONIES YOU CAN SEE HER TITTIES!!!"  I think this would do wonders for society. 

How many of us women obsess about how our boobs look?  How many men obsess about how their chest looks?  My guess is way less men wonder if their chest is perky enough or big enough or too big, or if their nipples are big enough or too big.  Or care if one nipple is inverted or a different size.  But my god, do women obsess about them, myself included.  We get implants and get them reduced and buy push up bras and fuss, fuss, fuss over our boobs, even though the size and shape of them have little effect on their primary function, which is to feed our babies. 

If women were allowed to have their boobs out, we might have a society less obsessed with them, and women less obsessed with them, and maybe, just maybe the body image of women in general would increase a bit.  Children would not grow up feeling ashamed of their boobs or the sight of others boobs.  Nor would people feel awkward around breastfeeding women because they would grow up around bare breasts and breasts that fed babies in public without it being a big deal. 

So, what are we waiting for?  We are told that women have equal rights; how about the right to have our chests bare wherever men normally do?  The right to not feel weird about feeding your baby the best food on the planet on demand.  I think breastfeeding rates would soar. 

A big thank you to all the women in my life that breastfed in front of me when I was growing up, you probably didn't know it then, but you paved the way for my own successful breastfeeding and the health of my son.  I have only now realized how amazing you all were for giving me the opportunity to see something so natural and wonderful, and how so few people do.  

Discovering My Philosophy

Before becoming a parent I did a lot of thinking about it.  Mostly about how awful it looked from the outside sometimes.  I worked with young children in my past and I didn't find it hard, but I would see all these struggles parents had and all these things the parents wanted to be different and wanted some control over.  It seemed like one long power struggle for some people.

This was long before I read up on any child-rearing practices, I was totally out of the loop on so many things, but it seemed like the average American parent was doing it all wrong.  One of my biggest anxieties about becoming a parent was, in fact, toilet training.  I did pretty horribly at it as a child and wasn't really accident free until I was 11 or 12 years-old.  This caused me a lot of shame and humiliation growing up.  I felt deeply that something was horribly wrong with me.  But I just didn't see an answer to it.  But when I stumbled across Elimination Communication (EC), I felt a huge sense of relief.  I bought the book "Diaper Free," read it in about two days and cried; I cried a lot.  I was happy and also looked back on my own childhood and felt like finally I wasn't the one who was wrong, I just grew up in a diaper-obsessed culture.  I KNEW I was going to do EC with my children; then toilet training wasn't a question anymore. 

To me, EC is the natural route, diapers and toilet training later in life is some invention of modern society that has some pretty hefty pitfalls. 

Breastfeeding was another no brainer for me.  Now that I've done it for ten weeks I can assure any mothers-to-be that breastfeeding is the easiest and best way to feed your baby, it's hard for the first month, but after that, it's way simpler than prepping formula and cleaning bottles.  I will have to pump, but, honestly, if I could never pump, or only pump a few times a month when I need to be away from baby, I would, but this would mean not working.  Pumping appears to still be easier than formula, but it's going to be a little hard.  Feeding from the breast requires no extra cleaning, prepping, storage, or anything really, and you can do it without getting out of bed.  It's magic.

Once I learned that a lot of people world-wide co-sleep, that also suddenly seemed like the easiest and best solution.  Baby leaves the bed when he's ready.  He feels secure in the knowledge that his parents will be there for him night or day.  I remember not feeling this security, wanting my parents but knowing they would be mad I was out of bed.  I don't want my children to ever not feel they can go to me, being present at night will help give my son this feeling.  I'm honestly not worried about him not being able to fall asleep on his own.  He's a baby!  He won't be a baby for long, someday he will put himself to bed.  I might as well enjoy these times we have together and just go ahead and end the anxiety over sleep before it even begins.  Another struggle I'm not going to engage in.

Another thing I learned of very recently is baby-led weaning, a super simple, super logical approach to solids.  I will never have to buy baby food or make purees.  It's all about trusting that your child will eat solids as he is ready.  No spoon feeding, no worry about how much solids he is getting.  I am so happy a friend told me about this.  Food; as a person who has suffered from an eating disorder, I am so glad I have found a way to make it a non-issue in the beginning.  I also hope to avoid the sugary, refined, tasteless kids foods.  My parents did really well with avoiding those, I don't think we ever had fish crackers or Kraft Mac and Cheese or Spaghettios or graham crackers or even white bread.  I was never a picky eater growing up.  I'm still a very adventurous eater, and super proud of it.  I'm amazed at how many fully grown adults are still very picky, maybe some of it is genetics, but I think a bunch of it is how we were introduced to foods and the attitudes surrounding food when we grew up.  I'm going to serve my baby the food we eat as much as possible, it's what he will be expected to eat later.

So I guess a lot of what I really get excited and passionate about in parenting are things that avoid struggles with my children.  So many times I feel that I see unhappy parents and unhappy kids, when it seems like they could both be happy with just a little bit of changes and some more realistic expectations.  It seems like a lot of people are trying to force their children to do something that's probably completely unnatural to the developing child; like formula, spoon feeding, diapering, toilet training.  I think if something is forced and something is causing a parent so much stress and worry and anxiety, it's probably worth doing something else.

It's normal to wonder if they are getting enough to eat, but it's another thing to force them to finish something they clearly aren't enjoying.  That's not fun for anyone!

My goal will be to avoid as many struggles as possible and to have tons of fun.  We can do it!

More on Co-sleeping

Co-sleeping is working out great for us.  I actually don't know how I could do it any other way.  Here is how a typical night goes:

When mom and dad are ready for bed they get into bed with Cedric.  I feed him while laying down next to him and eventually he's had enough, sometimes he needs a diaper change, then he usually just wants to suck on his pacifier.  We turn out the lights and baby seems to understand that this is night time and it's time to sleep.  Eventually he falls asleep next to me, when he's reached the deep, limp stage of sleep, I move him over the the Arm's Reach Co-sleeper and then I'm able to fall asleep without him next to me.  Lately he's been sleeping for four or five hours and then will wake wanting to eat again.  I hear him wiggle and fuss a little, then I bring him back into bed with me and we both fall asleep in bed again, usually he stays dry through a good portion of the night. 

He may wake again 1-3 hours later for more food, then possibly one more time, then he usually gives some signals that he thinks bed time should be over.  Bored baby!  :)  Then I resign to getting out of bed, sometimes as early as 6 am, sometimes as late at 9:30 am.  Then he pees a bunch over the next couple hours, sometimes we go through 4 or 5 diaper changes in the early morning hours.  It might be a good time to practice some ECing.

If baby was in another room, or even across the room, I don't know how I would do it.  I often don't even get out of bed all night long, which means falling back to sleep doesn't take long.  I'm enjoying some pretty awesome sleep considering I have a two-month-old.  Some nights are better than others, about a week ago he woke up every two hours, but for the most part we get a good four to five hour stretch before he wakes so frequently.  Naps seem a bit more sporadic, sometimes lasting 20 mins and sometimes lasting three hours.  Sometimes he'll have 2 or 3 naps and sometime more like 5 or 6.  He has a new cry which I'm starting to associate with, "I'm tired, but need help falling asleep."  Usually just a little bit of rocking will send him to dream land, then I can set him down and he'll be out for a while, but yesterday, I actually got into bed with him and had to lay there for a while before he was out.  I figure using different methods is a good idea anyway.  If it weren't so darn hot, I'd just let him sleep in one of our carriers.  But I'm too worried he'd overheat during a long nap.  If it were up to me, the temp would constantly be between 50 and 70 degrees.  I'd gladly give up perfect 70s weather if it also got rid of 80s 90s and 100s. 

A five-hour stretch of sleep is technically "sleeping through the night."  I think we need a new definition of sleeping through the night.  I think it would paint a more accurate vision for parents.  I definitely will not be telling people my son sleeps through the night until we get an 8 hour stretch in there.  And that could take years. 

I'm a Name Snob

I have to admit it.  I would never say anything to any parent's face about what they named their child, but sometimes when I hear what some people named their baby I think, "wow they sure didn't search far to find that name."  I am very against popular names.  Even my husband has said upon hearing a name, "that's boring!" 

We named our son Cedric Demetrius.  Which I think is an uncommon, awesome-sounding, bad ass name that is still recognized as a name.  I'm also against inventing names randomly, though less so than giving your baby a name that three other people in his kindergarten class will have.  I was going for pronouncable, but unique.  I won't say any names, so as not to offend anyone, but if your baby's name is in the top 100 names for the year he was born, I probably rolled my eyes when I heard it.

Which makes me just a little terrible, but I said nothing to your face, did I? 

I also hate nick names, I really do, though I recognize that this is totally my problem, and I realize that many people have nick names, and I call many of you by your nick names, but I really don't like them.

Why name a kid something only to call him something else?  I just don't get it.  And I was pretty amazed at the number of people who, after hearing I named my son Cedric, asked, "so do you have any nick names?"  What the hell is wrong with Cedric?  He will be called Cedric.  I didn't name him Cedric to call him Ced, or Ceddy, or CD, or ANYTHING else.  I will be that annoying mom who corrects you when you try to bastardize his name.  It's a freaking two syllable name, it's not hard to say.  Also, just so you know, my name is Andrea, not Andi.  The only people who call me Andi are those who know my mother better than me.  Yes, my own mother tried to give me a nick name as a child, and I didn't take it, I preferred Andrea.  Why name me Andrea, to only call me Andi?  I tend to let this one go, because the sheer amount of people who call me Andi is too much correcting, and I've let it go on for so many years now, that it would be weird for me to bring it up.  Chances are if you call me Andi, we aren't very close.

I'm also not a fan of giving the mother's maiden name as a middle name, even though this is exactly what my mother-in-law did.  A last name shouldn't be a middle name, but I won't try to pass legislation forbidding it.  One of another weird naming quirk of mine. 

Briefly, other things that bother me:

Naming your child after someone still alive, especially yourself.
Giving your child a hyphenated last name.
Giving your child the last name of her father who skipped town after he found out he knocked you up.
Giving your child no middle name.
Giving your child more than one middle name.

There, I had to get that off my chest.  I promise I won't confront anyone directly, and I will call your child by what you want me to call them.  And what you name your child doesn't reflect how good of a parent you are.  :)

EC and Cloth Diapering so far

I've been trying to keep a very open mind.  I said I might try EC at birth or a few months after birth.  I wanted to stay flexible to make sure I didn't give up on it so easily.  Well, at birth was impossible for me, I was so crazy and sleep deprived.  But that was OK, even in countries where EC is the norm the average age of starting is usually 2 to 6 months. 

Still I did not want to see diapering and caring for my child's elimination needs as an icky chore that baby has no control over. 

The first thing we noticed was that in the hospital Cedric would pee every time we took off his diaper.  Babies naturally like to eliminate when naked.  So, I've been trying to let him, instead of immediately slapping another diaper on him.  This has led to some hilarious peeings where he has gotten his hair full of pee when I'm not paying enough attention.  Bath time!  :)

So if he has pooped his diaper, but no pee (or if the diaper is not completely soaked), I'll wait at the changing table, with a cloth or diaper ready to catch the pee and when and if he does pee, I give a cueing noise ("Psssssssss....."). And then I put a clean diaper on him. I can usually tell when he's close to peeing because his penis will move around and his scrotum will contract.  But sometimes he doesn't and after a few minutes I just put a diaper on. 

We also have some naked baby time and if I notice him peeing, I give a cueing noise.  Cleaning up a baby that has peed or pooped on to a cloth beneath them is so much easier that completely diapering one.  Technically he is still peeing into cloth diapers, but the process is different and a pee-soaked diaper is not against his skin.  He seems to really love naked time, so hopefully this will lead to a love of being dry later. 

I sometimes have to remind myself that I am not doing EC to achieve anything, I am doing it for the journey.  I am doing it to be more responsive to my baby.  Even if he's still in diapers at age two, it was not all for nothing.  I am doing it to make diapering possibly more pleasant and to keep his skin drier.  Results should not be dwelled on; there are always diapers.  It does not have to be an all or nothing deal. 

For, now I'm going to continue doing what I'm doing until I think he's sturdy enough to sit on a potty, or I notice any other changes.  He definitely pees less frequently already, and poops less frequently too.  I am excited about the future of EC and everything else. 

People warned me that this would be hard, but so far, it really isn't.  I might get pee on me more frequently, but that's really not a huge deal.  It's only hard if you obsess over the future and the results; let's live in the moment.  :)

Moods and Body After Birth.

I think I can sum up the mood of the first six weeks as complete insanity slowly turning into mild insanity.  Now that I'm nearly 8 weeks post partum, I feel pretty good. 

I remember holding my son when he was just a few days old and thinking about all the things in the world that could harm him.  When they are that fragile and little, you just don't see how anyone could possibly survive to become an adult.  Certainly, I thought, I would not make it with him.  He was healthy and growing well, but it was the outside world that scared me.  I have never felt more vulnerable.  I also was so afraid of abusing him, even though I am far from an abusive person, I needed lots of reassurance from Brent that I wasn't going to hurt him.  "Promise me we will never hurt him," I would say.  As if some outside force was going to turn me into a cruel person without me realizing it. 

I had to constantly remind myself to live in the moment.  To enjoy holding him and feeding him.  To be content to sit at home and watch him sleep.  To try to not worry about getting sleep or returning to work (which seemed an impossibility for a while).  To just be, and be happy.  It worked sometimes, and other times I was deeply depressed.  And when I get depressed I am super critical of the actions of others.  Every phone all that wasn't returned to me, every email that never got a reply back felt awful and I asked Brent what was wrong with everyone.  But I've lived long enough to know that if it seems like everyone else has a problem, it's probably me with the problem.  So then it became, "am I a total freak that no one wants to be around?"  This is the voice of depression.  When the depression lifted, the unanswered emails didn't bother me as much, they didn't become a referendum on my likeability.  "People are busy this summer."  Maybe that is delusional too, but it feels better than "I'm a freak!" 

So I would say that I got the post partum depression, but that I coped with it alright.  And it only lasted hours or a couple days, not the clinical diagnosis of two weeks, most of the time.  Plus my therapist helps a lot.  I kept off of meds for the prenatal depression, I can keep off of them for the post natal.  And now, maybe finally, I can get back to feeling like myself.  Which brings me to the body.

I hated pregnancy.  The first month wasn't too bad, I had a couple bad headaches and some dizziness, but that's it.  Then I had nausea for the next two months.  My nausea wasn't severe, but it was moderate, and lasted 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, for a good 6 weeks, and wasn't really completely gone until week 15.  I never threw up, but only because I hate throwing up so much that I did everything I could to prevent it, there were definitely some close calls and dry heaves.  And then when the nausea went away I had headaches for a month.  Then months 5, 6, and 7 weren't too bad accept that my heartburn was still going strong and I was swelling and needing to sleep a bunch, then month 8 is when I really started to feel like I did not own my body at all, that something awful was controlling it and I felt trapped. This feeling only intensified in the ninth month, the last couple weeks before he was born I was even starting to feel resentful.  I wanted the pregnancy to end, I wanted my body back.  I did not bond with my unborn baby.  I did not like that he had to grow inside of me, I wanted a baby, not a pregnancy!  I was super impatient and extremely crabby the last week.  I was so happy that he came a week early.  I felt like he listened to me and said, "OK mom, I guess I can get born now if it will make you feel better." 

I'm still happy to not be pregnant.  So happy.  My uterus is off limits for two years.  I want two years of having my body back.  And because I so badly felt like I didn't have my body during pregnancy, I now feel this intense connection to my body.  I've never loved my body more.  I feel so in control of it now.  My shoes fit again and my waist is slowly shrinking.  I feel like it took the pregnancy to make me appreciate this body.  For nine months I had to give up control of my body over to this alien growing inside of me.  Pregnancy effects everything, they don't tell you that, it changes EVERYTHING in your body.  But you get it back, slightly changed, slightly deformed, but you get it back.  Except not your boobs, your boobs still belong to the alien, but you learn to love giving them to him. 

The First Six Weeks

My baby boy is 6 weeks and 5 days old today.  What a roller coaster it has been.  I must say that I don't think anything can prepare you for being a new mother. 

First of all you get this primal, overwhelming love for your baby.  A love that is so intense it hurts and you are constantly worried that something is going to happen to him.  It was hard to have him out of my sight for the first three weeks or so.  I remember sitting on my porch with him and watching cars drive by and I thought they were going to hit him, I was sure that people were going much too fast. 

On one of the hot days in June, when he was only a week old and we were headed to his one week appointment, I got this vision of a baby in a hot car and started crying and made Brent promise me we would never leave him in a hot car.  I was so sure that one of us would forget him.  It was hard to leave the house with all this worry, not to mention, no one exactly tells you what you need to bring in a diaper bag, and at first you either forget vital things or bring too much.  And infant slings and other carriers are hard to deal with at first, especially when your body is still recovering from birth.  And some days it's too hot to use any of them.  It took about a month to really feel comfortable taking him out places. 

Plus you have hot flashes and your emotions go from being overjoyed to feeling downright suicidal.  There were many instances where I cried to Brent that I couldn't do it, "I can't raise a baby, it's too much responsibility!"  And I'm a person who is very hard on herself for being depressed, I can't just be depressed, I have to feel like a loser and a failure for getting depressed, "how dare I get depressed, what is wrong with me?"  So I've been working on first accepting that I'm depressed sometimes. 

But it's not just depression, it's anxiety.  I wanted everything to be perfect and was pretty much unable to make any decisions for the first few weeks.  I remember Brent asking me what I wanted for breakfast and I told him, "I can't decide, just bring me something!"  Any decision meant I was not choosing other things that might possibly be better, so I was stuck.  I let Brent lead the way for a while.  I'm better at making decisions now. 

Also, people act so excited that you are going to have a baby, but then never call you after you have it.  I got various emails and texts from people saying they wanted to stop by, then I would tell them that they could, just call me before to make sure we're up, and pretty much no one actually called.  There are family members who haven't been over to see him yet, and friends who acted very excited who I haven't heard from at all.  It really brings you down, I was expecting way more visitors, we've had very few.  This led me to cry to Brent, "am I a freak?  Does no one actually like me?  Do I have no friends?"  Even trying to reach out to others who have recently had babies has been turning up dry so far, though I have hope that someone will want to do SOMETHING with me at some point. 

Newborns are boring.  I was not a person who bonded well with her baby while it was in utero.  The ultrasounds were kind of cool, but I just didn't feel much for my baby before it was born, I wanted it, and was glad I was going to have a baby, but I didn't feel connected to him while I was pregnant.  After his birth he would wake up to eat and poop and then fall back to sleep for several hours, that's it.  Repeat for many days.  Then when he was about a month old he started to have longer awake periods where we could actually play a little and then around 5 weeks he smiled at me for the first time.  Having your baby smile at you when he's looking at you after weeks of nothing is amazing, and last night he smiled at Brent for the first time.  Our baby has these huge, full mouth, full face smiles too that just melt your heart.  He also seems to really love the pattern on the blanket on the couch and the pictures hanging above the couch. He's slowly becoming a person, and I think he looks a lot like me right now. 

I'm lucky that breastfeeding went pretty well for me, besides the over-active let down (milk frickin' SPRAYS out of me!), which was kind of scary for a couple weeks when our baby was choking on it, I've had no problem with supply or latching, and my nipples toughened up in about 5 days.  Baby gained weight rapidly and when I started pumping, I had no trouble with it.  Introducing the bottle took a little while, but he takes it pretty well from Brent right now.  We gave him a pacifier at two weeks, which is super early, because he really just wanted to suck on something.  Since he was gaining weight the lactation consultants OKed it.  I was also a baby that liked to suck a lot.

Sleep has also gone well, we lucked out with our baby, it took about a month, but he seems to know when it's night now and I can lay him next to me, sometimes swaddled a bit, and he will eventually give in and go to sleep too.  Last night he was swaddled, but his arms were out and he sucked on a pacifier while laying in the co-sleeper, because mom and dad wanted to cuddle without baby and baby seemed happy, and he just fell asleep just like that.  He amused himself with his arms a bit and then fell asleep.  Though after his first night time feeding probably around 2 am, I kept him in bed next to me.  Feedings are kind of on a regular schedule now at night, one at about 10 pm, one around 2 am, and one around 6:30 am.  Then he'll wake up again at 8 or 9 am, and I generally get up then.  He takes several naps during the day and feeds every hour at some points during the day. 

He still rarely cries.  The only time he really cried significantly was when he was choking on my over-active let down.  That pissed him off.  It was hard to comfort him through that because he was hungry but it was painful to eat. 

So that's a kind of rushed overview of the first six weeks of being a mother. 

More on Birth

My aunt, Susan, was in town last weekend and her and my mother recounted their tales of giving birth in hospitals in the 80's and it made me feel very lucky about my birth.  Some of what they went through can only be described has horror stories.  First of all both of them could only eat ice chips while they were in the hospital, for my mom it wasn't so bad because she had a quick 4 and a half hour labor, but my aunt was in the hospital laboring for well over a day, on only ice chips, she ended up with a C-section.  For anyone who has been through labor, you know how much work it takes and how much energy and calories it requires.  I lost my appetite somewhere in the middle of early labor, but I was able to drink water and juice and could not have made it had I been limited to ice chips. 

They were also shaved and given enemas and IVs, their husbands had to wear hospital gowns and masks, and the lights were described as being bright.  Contrast this to my birth where the lights were kept low, Brent was by my side wearing the same clothes he came in with, I wasn't even wearing a hospital gown, I had no need for an IV, so why give me one?  And besides a noticeably smaller belly and a small sutcher where I tore naturally, my body was intact and everything was where it should be.

The enema makes my head itch.  Yes, you poo during the pushing stage, it sounds horrible to be pooing in front of a room full of nurses, but it really isn't.  When you are pushing any kind of modesty or shame you might have ever felt is the last thing on your mind and you barely notice.  And you get so cleared out you don't poo for two days after!  :) 

I also had the wonderful experience of having my son immediately put on my chest, all tests and bathing were delayed a few hours, and I roomed in with him the entire time we were in the hospital.  They offered to take him to the nursery, but I couldn't imagine having him away from me, in fact the one time he had to leave the room for a biliruben and hearing test I cried and told Brent to follow him.  I had an immediate primal urge to protect him and watch over him.  Actually it was hard to have him out of my sight for a good week. 

But the fact is that we had a pretty unique experience in a hospital.  HCMC is rated one of the best places to give birth in the nation.  The C-section rate in their Nurse Midwife unit is around 12%, while nation-wide it is nearly 30%.  I was never asked if I wanted an epidural or anything for the pain.  I also hired a privet birth doula, which I highly recommend, I'm pretty sure I would have ended up with an epidural without her.  There are some hospitals with a 95% epidural rate and some doctors with a 100% C-section rate.  There are some hospitals that give IVs routinely and some that still limit what a laboring woman can eat. 

Although I did consider a home birth, I am very happy with my choice to deliver with an exceptional nurse midwife team in a hospital.  They even respected our choice to not have E-mycin put in his eyes and to postpone his Hep B shot.  We were talked into the vitamin K shot, which I'm OK with, it was one thing we kept going back and forth on as far as routine procedures go.   They also had some excellent lactation support, which I am still getting. 

Most women, probably at least 75%, should be able to have a natural birth with little intervention, but so few have the support they need to achieve it.  I was lucky because I didn't need an induction and had a baby that cooperated by putting his head down and his back forward, some of these things are out of our control sometimes, but I do believe that because I was given the support I needed; someone was there making me do things to keep my labor progressing and telling me that I was doing well; I was able to get through the hardest, most pain experience of my life. 

Childbirth sucks, it's incredibly painful and you aren't sure how long it will take when it starts.  It is unknown, especially the first time, but your pain has purpose; I was never scared during labor.  Or I should say, I was never scared of the labor; there was a moment when I was scared of becoming a mother.  But I don't believe I am better than any women who ended up with a needless induction or C-section, I simply had the right support and guidance and a respectful environment.  I feel blessed and feel terrible for the women who end up with needless interventions because they were not allowed food or the freedom to move around or the dignity to work with their bodies and be told that they had the power within them to birth their child. 

Sleep So Far

Our baby is now three weeks and one day old.  He is an expert sleeper right now, he sleeps a lot and sleeps through most noises still.  There is something to be said about sleeping like a baby.  The ability of him to nap anywhere during anything is amazing.  Last night I took an emery board to all of his nails while he dosed on top of the Boppy pillow on my lap. 

We're definitely getting more sleep than we thought we would in these early weeks.  It's intermittent sleep.  We tend to go to bed around 10 pm and get up around 10 am, and sleep on and off for 12 hours.  This works for now, but would be hard to keep up for the long term.  Luckily babies sleep for longer periods as they get older, so our every 2 to 3 hour feedings won't last forever.  I find it hard to nap in the afternoon, which must mean I'm getting enough sleep for now.  I mean, I don't feel well rested, but I function well enough right now.  Though I can tell that my brain is slowed down a bit. 

We have an Arm's Reach Co-sleeper next to the bed, but he doesn't spend much time sleeping in it.  The idea is that you get baby out of the co-sleeper, feed him and put him back in it then go back to sleep.  I tried this the first couple nights, but he slept so much better right next to me in bed.  And when he is sleeping better, I am sleeping better.  I also found myself watching over him way more when he was in the co-sleeper; when he's right next to me, I can feel him breathe and I worry less.  So, for the most part he's either on my side, with the co-sleeper acting as a barrier to him falling all the way to the floor, or he's in between us.  Even pro-co-sleeping people warn against having baby in between the parents, but Brent seems to be just as aware of him and we've had no trouble.  Plus I often fall asleep while feeding him and wake up to him squirming and wanting to feed again, and he's still right next to me.  If I move away from him, he eventually follows and I find him plastered right next to me.  For now I have Brent change his diaper when needed, usually once each feeding.  So we wake up about the same number of times.  Sometimes baby fusses for a bit, so I burp him or check his diaper, but mostly he just eats and sleeps overnight. 

The idea that we would roll on to him seems absurd right now, you are so aware of your baby when he's next to you.  Of course we rarely drink and don't take any drugs or medications that make us sleepy, and we don't smoke or formula feed.  The two biggest risk factors for SIDS is formula feeding and smoking.  We also try to keep pillows and or comforter away from him, which is easier than I thought it would be.  Some nights we just have a sheet on us because it's so warm.  Baby stays plenty warm with our body heat and sometimes a blanket covering his legs.  He's also a pretty big baby and has decent control over his head already, so I'm not too worried about him.  Plus we sleep!

When he starts sleeping for longer periods, I might try the co-sleeper more.  And if I ever get the elimination communication stuff going, we might be able to eliminate some of the night time diaper changes.  For now though, baby is using cloth diapers and this is going well. 

Daytime naps have been taken in a sling or mei tai carrier or the car seat if we are driving, and sometimes he will go down in the co-sleeper for a couple hours.  We are seeing slightly more awake time from him, Brent will read to him, I tend to talk him him or sing to him, the last song I sang to him was "Dumb," by Nirvana; it's what came to my head.  "I'm not like them, but I can pretend, the Sun is gone, but I have a light..."

My Boobs!

There has been lots of talk about boobs in our house.  For now I am exclusively breastfeeding, no pumping, no anything else.  I won't get into the details of why I think this is the best way, you can look up the benefits of breastfeeding on Google.  But I've found keeping a sense of humor is best. 

First of all, the baby knew more about breastfeeding than I did, in those first few days of life when we were in the hospital, I constantly had people checking his latch and everyone said he looked great and that he was doing great; "then why does it hurt so much!" was basically my response.  I even had a crabby nurse say, "well there is formula."  Which super pissed me off.  In came the lactation specialists, who are fucking awesome at HCMC, and they gave me better support and reassurance that he was doing fine. 

My milk came in about 48 hours after his birth and my boobs got super huge, I had to hand express some milk to get him to be able to latch on.  I also started leaking a bit.  But baby was fine and generally ended a feeding by falling fast asleep on my boob.  We went home and the boobs seemed to get bigger, but there wasn't so much engorgement, I had to hand express some once more and then they evened out a bit.  My boobs even got smaller and soft, I was so happy.  Then they got bigger; dammit!  And now they tend to fluctuate with feedings instead of randomly. 

The leaking tends to go up and down.  I had a few days of no leaking, and now I'm leaking all over the place and will soak the shirt I sleep in with one boob while I feed him from another boob.  This also means baby sometimes gets soaked in breast milk, which will mean more frequent baths for him, which is OK because for now he really seems to like the baths, perhaps they remind him of his days in amniotic fluid. 

I think the funniest part is when the baby is trying to frantically get to my boob, but does it by arching his back away from me and flailing his arms around.  He just looks so ridiculous I can't help but laugh sometimes.  And then there was the time I was feeding him while laying on my side in bed and I turned him upright to burp him and he was able to find my other boob all by himself, which was a good sign, but made me laugh because I was trying to do something totally different. 

I didn't think I would use a pacifier this early on, but sometimes he's eaten a bunch and still wants to suck on something, so a few minutes with a pacifier seems to calm him and give my boobs a rest.  And since he's gaining weight rapidly, I'm not too worried about it interfering with my supply.  We also make sure to take care of other needs before we pop the pacifier in his mouth, and if he drops it I don't rush to pop it back in unless he's clearly rooting around for it.  For now it works a little, though pacifiers in general aren't my favorite, but some babies really like to suck.  I'd much rather him find his own thumb that he can be in control of.  For now he kind of sucks his own fist sometimes. 

The most annoying part for now is that my boobs are actually making too much milk too fast and he sometimes chokes on the milk that comes out.  He'll arch away from the boob and then be mad that he doesn't have boob anymore.  I've been burping him more often when he seems to be struggling with the flow of milk.  Sometimes feedings take several latches.  Laying down works best, but this does mean a good portion of the milk comes out of the side of his mouth and drips on the the bed below him, though I do try to keep a cloth diaper under him.  We also have some signs that a yeast infection is coming on because he's getting more crabby and gassy after feedings and has a bit of a red bottom.  The lactation specialists told us to watch it over the weekend, we might need to get it checked out by a doctor; I'm taking some acidopholus for now. 

So breastfeeding is quite the journey so far, but will be well worth it.  I think I've had it relatively easy, but it's still really hard right now.  I know that it will get easier.  He will eventually sleep through the night, or at least for longer, he will eventually be able to go four hours before needing to eat again, and once he's an older toddler it might just be a couple feedings a day.  It's worth it to breastfeed at least two years simply for the health benefits it gives me, not to mention all the good benefits for him. 

The birth - at the hospital

So we got to the hospital around 8 pm after laboring at home for about 12 hours.  We luckily had a copy of my birth plan on us, because they never actually got it into my file.  They looked it over and asked me if I still didn't want to know how dilated I was.  I told them that I only want to know if I'm dilated enough to get into the water birth tub; you have to be 5 cm dilated at this hospital.  I didn't know it at the time, but at 9 pm after 13 hours of contractions 2 to 5 minutes apart, I was only 2 cm dilated.  They told my doula this info however and she basically ordered us to walk around and use a step stool to get my contractions coming on even stronger.  And they did!  But by 10:40 pm I was exhausted and insisted on laying down for a while.  I also had no appetite, but was able to drink juice and lots of water. 

Brent joined me in bed and I told him to talk to me about something.  "You're going to be a great mom."  It was sweet, but I replied, "NO!  Talk to me about anything BUT the baby."  So he told me about his day at work and how he got free pizza and some stupid memo.  They checked my cervix again at 11:30 pm and I was 3 cm dilated, I was progressing, but wished I was farther, again, not dilated enough to get into the tub, which I desired so much.  The tub was my big plan for pain management, goddamnit!

Two more hours passed, I believe I spent some time on a birthing ball and eventually ended up in bed again, contractions were getting harder, but I breathed through them and moaned, I was coping and totally unaware of what time it was.  Then I felt my water break.  I felt this popping sensation and then I felt a gush of liquid.  I alerted Brent and our doula.  I vaguely remember our doula saying, "things are going to pick up now."  I also remember the midwife saying, "we have meconium, HEAVY meconium!"  Meconium is newborn baby poop, and sometimes they poop before birth and this occasionally causes problems.  "No tub!" They said.  They also had to put me on continuous external fetal monitoring, which wouldn't have been so bad except that the baby moves and the monitors move and they kept losing the baby's heartbeat and alarms would go off in the hallway. 

They could hear that the baby was fine, but the monitor wasn't getting enough info to prevent a lawsuit if something did go wrong.  Basically I was started to qualify for an emergency c-section based only on the monitor readings, so they suggested an internal monitor, which I agreed to.  I must say the internal one is WAY better, baby was fine and now they knew for sure. 

I, on the other hand, was losing it.  I started to say, "I'm going to die," "I can't do this," "Please kill me," and "I don't care anymore."  But mostly I said, "I'm going to die."  I simply can't describe the pain I was in.  At 3:30 am, two hours after my water broke, I was 5 cm dilated.  Progressing, but not as quickly as I would have liked.  I started to contemplate pain relief, but I pressed on.  I squeezed Brent's hand hard.  Brent kept telling me that he had faith in me and that I could do it, this helped me more than anything. 

But at 5 am, 21 hours into it, I started demanding something for the pain.  "I can't do this, I need something for the pain!"  My doula suggested checking to see how dilated I was before I made any decisions.  They checked me and I was 9 cm dilated.  This time my doula let me know the good news.  I knew that I could make it at this point, I had one cm to go before I would probably want to start pushing, really there was no point to getting pain relief at this point. 

One hour later at 6 am I felt this urge to push and I pushed.  I pushed and pushed and pushed.  I wanted this baby out of me.  Pushing made the contractions way less painful and I was able to push several times during a contraction.  I was almost totally unaware of anything going on around me, I did hear lots of words of encouragement though as I pushed.  They helped me change positions several times.  If someone had told me that I pushed for 45 minutes, I would have believed them, but I pushed for nearly 2 1/2 hours. 

Because of the meconium they had a newborn resuscitation team on hand and they told me that if he didn't cry right away, they would have to take him from me, this barely registered with me, but I had faith that he would be fine.  At 8: 27 am on May 30th my baby boy was born and he cried right away and was put immediately on my chest.  When I imagined this moment, I thought I would cry, but all I could do was smile and stare at him in amazement.  I rubbed his head and he calmed down and looked at me and held on to Brent's finger.  He also latched on to my breast pretty quickly.  And then pooped all over me again. 

I did it!  I got my natural birth and I wasn't even allowed to use the birthing tub, which gives you more pain relief than shots of Demeral.  I avoided an epidural, a c-section, and an episiotomy.  I also avoided any kind of augmentation or induction.  I had one tear that required stitches, but it was apparently in an area that heals quickly.  I can't feel it anymore.  I feel so proud, but I also know that I could not have done it alone, I could not have done it without Brent and our doula's constant support.  I did not have an easy labor, it was 24 hours of difficulty, but we did it! 

The Birth- leading up to going to the hospital

If I don't write, I might go insane, so I'm going to try.  I'm only roughly 90 some hours post-partum.  So bare with me.

So, yeah, we had a baby boy!  One who is currently inside a Baby Hawk carrier against my chest who has been asleep for a while.  He is great. 

So for me labor was not like they teach you in class or what you read about in the books.  Generally labor contractions start mildly and far apart, sometimes 30 minutes apart.  For me the mild ones started 2 to 5 minutes apart, which totally made me think they couldn't be early labor contractions and I was freaked out.  Brent went to work early on Sunday and I called various people like my doula, my friend, Manda, Brent, and the nurse midwife unit.  The "experts" of course were like, "probably just those pre-labor contractions," but I knew something was different.  If I had listened to my instincts I would have said, "look people!  I'm having a baby soon!" 

People were obsessed with the mucus plug and whether or not I was bleeding.  I never saw that goddamn mucus plug and only spotted a little until close to the end.  I guess people were used to the woman in early labor who thinks she's farther along than she really is.  It was a little scary not knowing what was going on and being told that birth could still be days away.  "Days away?!  I will die before then!"

So Manda came over with Chinese food, and I ate a bunch, which was good, it was the last time I felt like eating much until after the birth.  We timed my contractions, which were getting more painful and they were still 2-5 minutes apart and about 1-2 minutes long, which means about 40% of the time I was in pain.  And these had been going on since about 8 am, and Manda got me food around 2 pm.  Manda also read cracked.com to me and some jokes from Lake Woebegone to keep me calm.  Around 4 pm it was clear that these were going somewhere and we called the doula and called Brent to come home.  The doula put a TENS unit on me, which helped a little and kept me moving and changing position to keep the contractions coming and doing their work.  Brent got home and we paced the apartment after I refused to go outside for a walk, I was in no shape to be in public. 

The contractions got more intense and were still 2-5 minutes apart.  I laid down in bed with Brent for a bit and cried, we also held each other and I moaned through contractions and we knew we were going to have a baby soon. 

At about 8 pm we headed for the hospital.  Hospital insisted I be dropped off at the entrance, but I wanted to walk in with everyone.  The hospital is big, so we walked and had many contractions before we reached the right unit. 

And then in ninth month...

I think the ninth month of pregnancy needs it's own category because it is so different from every other month of pregnancy.  I think I've had it pretty easy and it still sucks. 

It's a bit like coming down with temporary bi-polar disorder.  I have just enough in me to get through work, and then when I get home all chaos seems to break loose.  I'm happy, I'm sad, I'm scared, I'm angry, I'm frustrated, I'm everything in 30 minutes.  I cry a lot.  Brent can't do anything right even though he's doing nothing wrong.  The children in the neighborhood are too loud and I've been known to cry, "I hate children, I don't want children anymore, they suck!"  Or "kids are insane!  What the hell are we doing?" 

Then I will get a very primal feeling of being one with my baby and feel so horribly in love that I can't imagine ever letting go of him.  Which I guess is OK, mother and child are one unit for a while there; even after birth baby does not have a sense of being separate, I don't have to let go of him for a while. 

There are times when I've had contractions and thought, "no, not now, I feel too insane to go through labor today!"  On one hand, I am anxious to meet him,but on the other I feel we aren't ready and I'm not relaxed enough to get through it the way I need to.  I may stop working soon for my own mental health, physically I can do 99% of my job, but mentally at the end of the day, even if work goes really smoothly, I just have nothing left to give. 

Interestingly for the last four or five days I've been getting mild contractions every evening, they tend to start around 5 or 6 pm and last until I go to bed around 10.  No real pattern to them, but every once and a while I detect a 10-15 minute pattern, but it doesn't last long.  I might be having them all day for all I know, I just have time to notice them after work.  And my work is really not that stressful!  I like my job.  That's what's weird. 

Other strange things about the ninth month are that maternity pants don't work anymore, they simply cannot stay up because you have too much belly.  So I've switched to skirts and dresses.  Also, even if you are healthy, like me, you swell up and can't wear your wedding ring anymore, or most of your shoes.  It helps to have a partner that is willing to rub your feet; I have that! 

Nearly Ready for a Baby

I'll be 37 weeks pregnant in 2 days, which is the semi-official full-term marker, although they're starting to think 38 weeks is better because 1/4 of babies born at 37 weeks end up in the NICU.  So here's hoping for at least 9 more days of gestation. 

We've got the car seat, the co-sleeper, the cloth diapers, tons and tons of clothes, a good amount of baby toys, a couple potties, a mei tai carrier, some books, and a couple hand fulls of other stuff.  The birth plan is in and the water birth agreement is signed.  We have some vague idea of how much the prenatal care and birth will cost (guess what, it's not cheap!).  I have to remind myself that we essentially saved $200 a month by switching me to Brent's insurance, which has a lower copay for regular office visits, but seems to have crappier coverage for being hospitalized and being seen as an out patient pregnant woman at the hospitals clinics.  $200 a month is like $2400 a year, which is more than the extra cost will be, I believe. 

I've been putting off dealing with bills from the hospital, because they bill all over the place and last time I called to pay something they told me not to and that they were still arguing with the insurance company.  Right now, I'm thinking birth center for the next baby.  At this point they look to be cheaper for care completely not covered by insurance than what we will pay for a hospital birth with insurance coverage.  Plus, sometimes insurance does pay birth centers.  I also still need to call my insurance company to see if they will pay for my birth doula, which I'm guessing not, because they didn't even pay for the standard hospital prenatal classes (there goes another $144). 

In fact, if I could avoid a hospital for the rest of my life and all the crazy billing that goes with it, I would love that.  Time to stay healthy. 

We lack space mostly, I'm still looking at our queen sized bed and the co-sleeper and wondering how we will all fit and get to sleep.  I'll let you all know later how it worked out.  I also look at my boobs and think, "really, baby will only need these?"  I can read and learn all about lactation, but I still can't imagine it very well in my head or my life.  I have to remind myself that babies are little and people with less space than us raise children.  Plus there's a big park one block away and about 6 playgrounds within a few blocks, and there's even a clinic that has family practitioners within walking distance.  We could raise this baby without a car and still rarely take the bus. 

Right now we need a dresser that can double as a changing table, because right now most of our baby clothes and items are piled up on the floor.  I have the space for one all cleared up, I just need to go find something that will work.  Then I think we will have mostly everything we really need for at least a couple weeks. 

Whether or not we will need any day care is still unknown.  Which is hard because I hear it's a hard thing to find.  I just have to have faith that we'll find someone responsible to watch our baby if needed.  Or that Brent will find some higher paying job and I can work occasionally for a while around his schedule.  Work, I hear, is also hard to find. 

What I am done with is being pregnant.  I am so done with being pregnant.  I would like this pregnancy to end today.  I don't feel anything magical about my expanding waistline anymore, just itchiness and stretch marks and almost 50 extra pounds of weight.  And I started getting stretch marks back in week 20.  And some of the benefits of pregnancy are ending.  My skin is no longer dry and clear, it's getting super oily and my acne is coming back, why this is, I don't know, but I think it totally stinks.  And the lack of menstrual period is now replaced with a leaky bladder.  Usually just a few drops, but still annoying and uncomfortable.  I want the baby out and I want to lose a huge amount of weight, and being able to have a glass of wine would be nice too.  My body doesn't feel like mine and no matter how much Brent tells me that I'm beautiful, I don't feel beautiful.  I feel fertile, very fertile and primitive and earthly and sometimes that's cool, but sometimes I just want to lay on my stomach and drink wine and wear slip on shoes that don't hurt, or maybe even heels. 

And I'd like to be a mother already!  But I think more than being a mother, I'd like to not be pregnant anymore.  I get it, I've gone through pregnancy now, I've experienced it, I've had a life grow in me, it was way less magical and interesting that I thought it would be.  Mostly it was long and uncomfortable and boring.  That fetus grows slowly and there are very few changes with him and I sure don't feel like I'm connected to him.  I want a baby not a fetus.  I just had to grow a fetus to get a baby.  I hear some mothers mourning their pregnancies and I just don't feel that I will.  I'll mourn the extra attention and the vast amount of laziness I could get away with, but that's about it.  And even the attention can get annoying and the laziness comes with the price of feeling pain and being tired and putting on a bunch of weight.  I'm very confused by those who like being pregnant, and for the most part I had an easy pregnancy.  People LIKE this?  Months 5,6, and 7 weren't too bad, but the rest I really will not want to repeat anytime soon. 

We can do it! Have no fear!

I know people are usually well-meaning, and I'm sure I've said some of these things to other pregnant women, but there are some comments that just aren't helpful.

"The baby will change everything!"  Really?  Everything?  The color of the sky?  The phases of the moon?  It won't change everything.  Actually it is really bad to have a baby because you think it will change your life or make it better or make your spouse love you more.  People should have babies because they want babies, period.  I doubt my or Brent's personality will change much.  We will grow and change as parents, but it won't be some huge difference, we'll just have way less time.  Actually some people say this as if it's an awesome thing, while other say it as a warning.  I much prefer the "it will change everything and be amazing."

"You think you are tired now, wait until the baby is here."  We get it, newborns wake up every 1 to 3 hours demanding food, and we plan on giving him what he demands in his newbornhood.  It will mean intermittent sleep for us, mostly me; it's a big reason I'm taking 12 weeks off of work, so I can just be with baby and sleep when he does.  Or at least rest. 

"Labor will hurt."  Or really any birth horror story is so not what we want to hear right now.  I'm really not scared of birth or the pain.  Pain, in my lifetime, has usually been distressful when I don't know what is causing it or I don't know what to do about it.  Pain during labor and birth has a purpose and I have techniques for coping with it.  I am amazed that my body will know what to do and will get that baby out.  I have confidence that I can do it with the help and support of others and I don't think it will be a horrible experience, I think it will be amazing.  And I think if I keep in this mindset it will be.  I know things can go wrong, but at least I will know I did everything I could.  So horror stories or reminders of the pain are just getting annoying.

"You plan on working opposite shifts? That will be so hard and you'll never see each other."  Yes, right now Brent will be working Friday through Monday and I will be working Monday through Friday, and hopefully Tuesday through Thursday when I return to work after my leave, although this is up in the air still.  I want to work less hours during this stage of being the primary caregiver, and we don't want to pay for daycare and really don't want to use daycare, we really want baby to be with one of us.  Some amazing coworker of Brent's actually said, "you will never regret doing that because you will spend so much more time with your baby."  It's true, Brent will probably end up with baby by himself three days a week for at least a few hours.  It will be sort of like we are both stay at home parents.  We will both bond with and care for our baby, this seems invaluable to me.  We will have less together time as a whole family, but we will both learn so much.  I think children do best with multiple caregivers anyway, each parent will react differently which will make them more able to deal with everyone else.  And it's possible we will need daycare a couple days a week.  I'd much rather have it be 2 days a week than 5 days.  And I can see this as a positive too, especially when he's a little older, he'll be able to interact more with other children.  So the bottom line is, we don't see this as a negative mostly, we see it as a solution for us that will be positive.

There is something about having a baby that makes people make assumptions and ask a lot of questions.  If I've learned anything it's that I should take my nose out of other people's parenting decisions because I sure as hell hate it when people stick their nose into mine.  For now our decisions have mostly come from our lack of space and money, but they also come from our desire to be close with our baby.  Co-sleeping and/or using a bassinet next to the bed somewhat comes from the fact that we don't have space for a crib.  Elimination Communication and using cloth diapers somewhat comes from not wanting to pay for disposables and wanting to end the diaper stage as early as possible.  We don't have a ton of baby stuff because we don't have space for it now, if we find we ABSOLUTELY MUST have some item, we will get it and make some room.  I'm hoping a sling and a mei tai carrier will replace a lot of plastic baby holders and rockers.  It seems better for a parent to hold baby anyway and with a carrier our hands can be free to do other things as well.  This seems win-win to me, but people still insist we NEED a baby swing.

I really don't believe that people need tons of money or space to raise children.  I think mostly they need the emotional availability and the time and energy and desire.  I'm all for preventing unwanted pregnancies and unwanted births, but absolutely hate to overhear stuff like "I don't know how they afford all those kids."  As if kids are a luxury item only meant for the upper-class.  And I feel heartbroken when people say they want a baby but, "just don't have the money," or they just think they couldn't handle it.  I want to say, "life is too freaking short!  If you want a baby, have one, you will figure it out!"  If you are having it because you truly want to be a parent, which most of us feel at some point, then do it!  Chances are your life is not too messed up to handle it.  Are you addicted to drugs?  Psychologically unstable?  On the run from the law? Probably not.  You'll be fine.  Support is out there.

Brent and I sometimes just have to reassure ourselves that we are capable adults, even if people say things that make us wonder.  I've learned that someone will question every decision you make, so you might as well just do what you want.  Use your gut feeling and be flexible and things will fall in to place, at least I suspect this is what will happen for us.