I think the ninth month of pregnancy needs it's own category because it is so different from every other month of pregnancy. I think I've had it pretty easy and it still sucks.
It's a bit like coming down with temporary bi-polar disorder. I have just enough in me to get through work, and then when I get home all chaos seems to break loose. I'm happy, I'm sad, I'm scared, I'm angry, I'm frustrated, I'm everything in 30 minutes. I cry a lot. Brent can't do anything right even though he's doing nothing wrong. The children in the neighborhood are too loud and I've been known to cry, "I hate children, I don't want children anymore, they suck!" Or "kids are insane! What the hell are we doing?"
Then I will get a very primal feeling of being one with my baby and feel so horribly in love that I can't imagine ever letting go of him. Which I guess is OK, mother and child are one unit for a while there; even after birth baby does not have a sense of being separate, I don't have to let go of him for a while.
There are times when I've had contractions and thought, "no, not now, I feel too insane to go through labor today!" On one hand, I am anxious to meet him,but on the other I feel we aren't ready and I'm not relaxed enough to get through it the way I need to. I may stop working soon for my own mental health, physically I can do 99% of my job, but mentally at the end of the day, even if work goes really smoothly, I just have nothing left to give.
Interestingly for the last four or five days I've been getting mild contractions every evening, they tend to start around 5 or 6 pm and last until I go to bed around 10. No real pattern to them, but every once and a while I detect a 10-15 minute pattern, but it doesn't last long. I might be having them all day for all I know, I just have time to notice them after work. And my work is really not that stressful! I like my job. That's what's weird.
Other strange things about the ninth month are that maternity pants don't work anymore, they simply cannot stay up because you have too much belly. So I've switched to skirts and dresses. Also, even if you are healthy, like me, you swell up and can't wear your wedding ring anymore, or most of your shoes. It helps to have a partner that is willing to rub your feet; I have that!
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Friday, May 13, 2011
Nearly Ready for a Baby
I'll be 37 weeks pregnant in 2 days, which is the semi-official full-term marker, although they're starting to think 38 weeks is better because 1/4 of babies born at 37 weeks end up in the NICU. So here's hoping for at least 9 more days of gestation.
We've got the car seat, the co-sleeper, the cloth diapers, tons and tons of clothes, a good amount of baby toys, a couple potties, a mei tai carrier, some books, and a couple hand fulls of other stuff. The birth plan is in and the water birth agreement is signed. We have some vague idea of how much the prenatal care and birth will cost (guess what, it's not cheap!). I have to remind myself that we essentially saved $200 a month by switching me to Brent's insurance, which has a lower copay for regular office visits, but seems to have crappier coverage for being hospitalized and being seen as an out patient pregnant woman at the hospitals clinics. $200 a month is like $2400 a year, which is more than the extra cost will be, I believe.
I've been putting off dealing with bills from the hospital, because they bill all over the place and last time I called to pay something they told me not to and that they were still arguing with the insurance company. Right now, I'm thinking birth center for the next baby. At this point they look to be cheaper for care completely not covered by insurance than what we will pay for a hospital birth with insurance coverage. Plus, sometimes insurance does pay birth centers. I also still need to call my insurance company to see if they will pay for my birth doula, which I'm guessing not, because they didn't even pay for the standard hospital prenatal classes (there goes another $144).
In fact, if I could avoid a hospital for the rest of my life and all the crazy billing that goes with it, I would love that. Time to stay healthy.
We lack space mostly, I'm still looking at our queen sized bed and the co-sleeper and wondering how we will all fit and get to sleep. I'll let you all know later how it worked out. I also look at my boobs and think, "really, baby will only need these?" I can read and learn all about lactation, but I still can't imagine it very well in my head or my life. I have to remind myself that babies are little and people with less space than us raise children. Plus there's a big park one block away and about 6 playgrounds within a few blocks, and there's even a clinic that has family practitioners within walking distance. We could raise this baby without a car and still rarely take the bus.
Right now we need a dresser that can double as a changing table, because right now most of our baby clothes and items are piled up on the floor. I have the space for one all cleared up, I just need to go find something that will work. Then I think we will have mostly everything we really need for at least a couple weeks.
Whether or not we will need any day care is still unknown. Which is hard because I hear it's a hard thing to find. I just have to have faith that we'll find someone responsible to watch our baby if needed. Or that Brent will find some higher paying job and I can work occasionally for a while around his schedule. Work, I hear, is also hard to find.
What I am done with is being pregnant. I am so done with being pregnant. I would like this pregnancy to end today. I don't feel anything magical about my expanding waistline anymore, just itchiness and stretch marks and almost 50 extra pounds of weight. And I started getting stretch marks back in week 20. And some of the benefits of pregnancy are ending. My skin is no longer dry and clear, it's getting super oily and my acne is coming back, why this is, I don't know, but I think it totally stinks. And the lack of menstrual period is now replaced with a leaky bladder. Usually just a few drops, but still annoying and uncomfortable. I want the baby out and I want to lose a huge amount of weight, and being able to have a glass of wine would be nice too. My body doesn't feel like mine and no matter how much Brent tells me that I'm beautiful, I don't feel beautiful. I feel fertile, very fertile and primitive and earthly and sometimes that's cool, but sometimes I just want to lay on my stomach and drink wine and wear slip on shoes that don't hurt, or maybe even heels.
And I'd like to be a mother already! But I think more than being a mother, I'd like to not be pregnant anymore. I get it, I've gone through pregnancy now, I've experienced it, I've had a life grow in me, it was way less magical and interesting that I thought it would be. Mostly it was long and uncomfortable and boring. That fetus grows slowly and there are very few changes with him and I sure don't feel like I'm connected to him. I want a baby not a fetus. I just had to grow a fetus to get a baby. I hear some mothers mourning their pregnancies and I just don't feel that I will. I'll mourn the extra attention and the vast amount of laziness I could get away with, but that's about it. And even the attention can get annoying and the laziness comes with the price of feeling pain and being tired and putting on a bunch of weight. I'm very confused by those who like being pregnant, and for the most part I had an easy pregnancy. People LIKE this? Months 5,6, and 7 weren't too bad, but the rest I really will not want to repeat anytime soon.
We've got the car seat, the co-sleeper, the cloth diapers, tons and tons of clothes, a good amount of baby toys, a couple potties, a mei tai carrier, some books, and a couple hand fulls of other stuff. The birth plan is in and the water birth agreement is signed. We have some vague idea of how much the prenatal care and birth will cost (guess what, it's not cheap!). I have to remind myself that we essentially saved $200 a month by switching me to Brent's insurance, which has a lower copay for regular office visits, but seems to have crappier coverage for being hospitalized and being seen as an out patient pregnant woman at the hospitals clinics. $200 a month is like $2400 a year, which is more than the extra cost will be, I believe.
I've been putting off dealing with bills from the hospital, because they bill all over the place and last time I called to pay something they told me not to and that they were still arguing with the insurance company. Right now, I'm thinking birth center for the next baby. At this point they look to be cheaper for care completely not covered by insurance than what we will pay for a hospital birth with insurance coverage. Plus, sometimes insurance does pay birth centers. I also still need to call my insurance company to see if they will pay for my birth doula, which I'm guessing not, because they didn't even pay for the standard hospital prenatal classes (there goes another $144).
In fact, if I could avoid a hospital for the rest of my life and all the crazy billing that goes with it, I would love that. Time to stay healthy.
We lack space mostly, I'm still looking at our queen sized bed and the co-sleeper and wondering how we will all fit and get to sleep. I'll let you all know later how it worked out. I also look at my boobs and think, "really, baby will only need these?" I can read and learn all about lactation, but I still can't imagine it very well in my head or my life. I have to remind myself that babies are little and people with less space than us raise children. Plus there's a big park one block away and about 6 playgrounds within a few blocks, and there's even a clinic that has family practitioners within walking distance. We could raise this baby without a car and still rarely take the bus.
Right now we need a dresser that can double as a changing table, because right now most of our baby clothes and items are piled up on the floor. I have the space for one all cleared up, I just need to go find something that will work. Then I think we will have mostly everything we really need for at least a couple weeks.
Whether or not we will need any day care is still unknown. Which is hard because I hear it's a hard thing to find. I just have to have faith that we'll find someone responsible to watch our baby if needed. Or that Brent will find some higher paying job and I can work occasionally for a while around his schedule. Work, I hear, is also hard to find.
What I am done with is being pregnant. I am so done with being pregnant. I would like this pregnancy to end today. I don't feel anything magical about my expanding waistline anymore, just itchiness and stretch marks and almost 50 extra pounds of weight. And I started getting stretch marks back in week 20. And some of the benefits of pregnancy are ending. My skin is no longer dry and clear, it's getting super oily and my acne is coming back, why this is, I don't know, but I think it totally stinks. And the lack of menstrual period is now replaced with a leaky bladder. Usually just a few drops, but still annoying and uncomfortable. I want the baby out and I want to lose a huge amount of weight, and being able to have a glass of wine would be nice too. My body doesn't feel like mine and no matter how much Brent tells me that I'm beautiful, I don't feel beautiful. I feel fertile, very fertile and primitive and earthly and sometimes that's cool, but sometimes I just want to lay on my stomach and drink wine and wear slip on shoes that don't hurt, or maybe even heels.
And I'd like to be a mother already! But I think more than being a mother, I'd like to not be pregnant anymore. I get it, I've gone through pregnancy now, I've experienced it, I've had a life grow in me, it was way less magical and interesting that I thought it would be. Mostly it was long and uncomfortable and boring. That fetus grows slowly and there are very few changes with him and I sure don't feel like I'm connected to him. I want a baby not a fetus. I just had to grow a fetus to get a baby. I hear some mothers mourning their pregnancies and I just don't feel that I will. I'll mourn the extra attention and the vast amount of laziness I could get away with, but that's about it. And even the attention can get annoying and the laziness comes with the price of feeling pain and being tired and putting on a bunch of weight. I'm very confused by those who like being pregnant, and for the most part I had an easy pregnancy. People LIKE this? Months 5,6, and 7 weren't too bad, but the rest I really will not want to repeat anytime soon.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
We can do it! Have no fear!
I know people are usually well-meaning, and I'm sure I've said some of these things to other pregnant women, but there are some comments that just aren't helpful.
"The baby will change everything!" Really? Everything? The color of the sky? The phases of the moon? It won't change everything. Actually it is really bad to have a baby because you think it will change your life or make it better or make your spouse love you more. People should have babies because they want babies, period. I doubt my or Brent's personality will change much. We will grow and change as parents, but it won't be some huge difference, we'll just have way less time. Actually some people say this as if it's an awesome thing, while other say it as a warning. I much prefer the "it will change everything and be amazing."
"You think you are tired now, wait until the baby is here." We get it, newborns wake up every 1 to 3 hours demanding food, and we plan on giving him what he demands in his newbornhood. It will mean intermittent sleep for us, mostly me; it's a big reason I'm taking 12 weeks off of work, so I can just be with baby and sleep when he does. Or at least rest.
"Labor will hurt." Or really any birth horror story is so not what we want to hear right now. I'm really not scared of birth or the pain. Pain, in my lifetime, has usually been distressful when I don't know what is causing it or I don't know what to do about it. Pain during labor and birth has a purpose and I have techniques for coping with it. I am amazed that my body will know what to do and will get that baby out. I have confidence that I can do it with the help and support of others and I don't think it will be a horrible experience, I think it will be amazing. And I think if I keep in this mindset it will be. I know things can go wrong, but at least I will know I did everything I could. So horror stories or reminders of the pain are just getting annoying.
"You plan on working opposite shifts? That will be so hard and you'll never see each other." Yes, right now Brent will be working Friday through Monday and I will be working Monday through Friday, and hopefully Tuesday through Thursday when I return to work after my leave, although this is up in the air still. I want to work less hours during this stage of being the primary caregiver, and we don't want to pay for daycare and really don't want to use daycare, we really want baby to be with one of us. Some amazing coworker of Brent's actually said, "you will never regret doing that because you will spend so much more time with your baby." It's true, Brent will probably end up with baby by himself three days a week for at least a few hours. It will be sort of like we are both stay at home parents. We will both bond with and care for our baby, this seems invaluable to me. We will have less together time as a whole family, but we will both learn so much. I think children do best with multiple caregivers anyway, each parent will react differently which will make them more able to deal with everyone else. And it's possible we will need daycare a couple days a week. I'd much rather have it be 2 days a week than 5 days. And I can see this as a positive too, especially when he's a little older, he'll be able to interact more with other children. So the bottom line is, we don't see this as a negative mostly, we see it as a solution for us that will be positive.
There is something about having a baby that makes people make assumptions and ask a lot of questions. If I've learned anything it's that I should take my nose out of other people's parenting decisions because I sure as hell hate it when people stick their nose into mine. For now our decisions have mostly come from our lack of space and money, but they also come from our desire to be close with our baby. Co-sleeping and/or using a bassinet next to the bed somewhat comes from the fact that we don't have space for a crib. Elimination Communication and using cloth diapers somewhat comes from not wanting to pay for disposables and wanting to end the diaper stage as early as possible. We don't have a ton of baby stuff because we don't have space for it now, if we find we ABSOLUTELY MUST have some item, we will get it and make some room. I'm hoping a sling and a mei tai carrier will replace a lot of plastic baby holders and rockers. It seems better for a parent to hold baby anyway and with a carrier our hands can be free to do other things as well. This seems win-win to me, but people still insist we NEED a baby swing.
I really don't believe that people need tons of money or space to raise children. I think mostly they need the emotional availability and the time and energy and desire. I'm all for preventing unwanted pregnancies and unwanted births, but absolutely hate to overhear stuff like "I don't know how they afford all those kids." As if kids are a luxury item only meant for the upper-class. And I feel heartbroken when people say they want a baby but, "just don't have the money," or they just think they couldn't handle it. I want to say, "life is too freaking short! If you want a baby, have one, you will figure it out!" If you are having it because you truly want to be a parent, which most of us feel at some point, then do it! Chances are your life is not too messed up to handle it. Are you addicted to drugs? Psychologically unstable? On the run from the law? Probably not. You'll be fine. Support is out there.
Brent and I sometimes just have to reassure ourselves that we are capable adults, even if people say things that make us wonder. I've learned that someone will question every decision you make, so you might as well just do what you want. Use your gut feeling and be flexible and things will fall in to place, at least I suspect this is what will happen for us.
"The baby will change everything!" Really? Everything? The color of the sky? The phases of the moon? It won't change everything. Actually it is really bad to have a baby because you think it will change your life or make it better or make your spouse love you more. People should have babies because they want babies, period. I doubt my or Brent's personality will change much. We will grow and change as parents, but it won't be some huge difference, we'll just have way less time. Actually some people say this as if it's an awesome thing, while other say it as a warning. I much prefer the "it will change everything and be amazing."
"You think you are tired now, wait until the baby is here." We get it, newborns wake up every 1 to 3 hours demanding food, and we plan on giving him what he demands in his newbornhood. It will mean intermittent sleep for us, mostly me; it's a big reason I'm taking 12 weeks off of work, so I can just be with baby and sleep when he does. Or at least rest.
"Labor will hurt." Or really any birth horror story is so not what we want to hear right now. I'm really not scared of birth or the pain. Pain, in my lifetime, has usually been distressful when I don't know what is causing it or I don't know what to do about it. Pain during labor and birth has a purpose and I have techniques for coping with it. I am amazed that my body will know what to do and will get that baby out. I have confidence that I can do it with the help and support of others and I don't think it will be a horrible experience, I think it will be amazing. And I think if I keep in this mindset it will be. I know things can go wrong, but at least I will know I did everything I could. So horror stories or reminders of the pain are just getting annoying.
"You plan on working opposite shifts? That will be so hard and you'll never see each other." Yes, right now Brent will be working Friday through Monday and I will be working Monday through Friday, and hopefully Tuesday through Thursday when I return to work after my leave, although this is up in the air still. I want to work less hours during this stage of being the primary caregiver, and we don't want to pay for daycare and really don't want to use daycare, we really want baby to be with one of us. Some amazing coworker of Brent's actually said, "you will never regret doing that because you will spend so much more time with your baby." It's true, Brent will probably end up with baby by himself three days a week for at least a few hours. It will be sort of like we are both stay at home parents. We will both bond with and care for our baby, this seems invaluable to me. We will have less together time as a whole family, but we will both learn so much. I think children do best with multiple caregivers anyway, each parent will react differently which will make them more able to deal with everyone else. And it's possible we will need daycare a couple days a week. I'd much rather have it be 2 days a week than 5 days. And I can see this as a positive too, especially when he's a little older, he'll be able to interact more with other children. So the bottom line is, we don't see this as a negative mostly, we see it as a solution for us that will be positive.
There is something about having a baby that makes people make assumptions and ask a lot of questions. If I've learned anything it's that I should take my nose out of other people's parenting decisions because I sure as hell hate it when people stick their nose into mine. For now our decisions have mostly come from our lack of space and money, but they also come from our desire to be close with our baby. Co-sleeping and/or using a bassinet next to the bed somewhat comes from the fact that we don't have space for a crib. Elimination Communication and using cloth diapers somewhat comes from not wanting to pay for disposables and wanting to end the diaper stage as early as possible. We don't have a ton of baby stuff because we don't have space for it now, if we find we ABSOLUTELY MUST have some item, we will get it and make some room. I'm hoping a sling and a mei tai carrier will replace a lot of plastic baby holders and rockers. It seems better for a parent to hold baby anyway and with a carrier our hands can be free to do other things as well. This seems win-win to me, but people still insist we NEED a baby swing.
I really don't believe that people need tons of money or space to raise children. I think mostly they need the emotional availability and the time and energy and desire. I'm all for preventing unwanted pregnancies and unwanted births, but absolutely hate to overhear stuff like "I don't know how they afford all those kids." As if kids are a luxury item only meant for the upper-class. And I feel heartbroken when people say they want a baby but, "just don't have the money," or they just think they couldn't handle it. I want to say, "life is too freaking short! If you want a baby, have one, you will figure it out!" If you are having it because you truly want to be a parent, which most of us feel at some point, then do it! Chances are your life is not too messed up to handle it. Are you addicted to drugs? Psychologically unstable? On the run from the law? Probably not. You'll be fine. Support is out there.
Brent and I sometimes just have to reassure ourselves that we are capable adults, even if people say things that make us wonder. I've learned that someone will question every decision you make, so you might as well just do what you want. Use your gut feeling and be flexible and things will fall in to place, at least I suspect this is what will happen for us.
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