This thought has consumed my attention for the last few days.
OK, I know I'm not SUPER messed up... for instance I'm not a psychopath, in fact I'm kind of a nice person, usually. I'm not delusional, nor do I have hallucinations. Generally, I'm with it cognitively and get shit done. I'm not fucking up at work or ignoring my child.
But I made one kind of little mistake that annoyed a few other people and even though I apologized and cleaned up my mistake, I can't get over it. I know I WILL get over it, but it's not happening as quickly as I would like. And it's only stiring up EVERYTHING.
Like, for whatever reason, it's making me question everything about myself and about my life.
Mostly it's bad.
The basic thought process is:
I'm a total weirdo who doesn't fit in anywhere.
If I really believe that, I need to get my mental health figured out.
Oh holy crap, that is going to be hard and long.
Everyone else is the weirdo!
Ok, true, but we have to somehow accept their weirdness, your weirdness, and their lack of accepting your weirdness.
Crap that sounds long and hard!
And I might fail!
But the other thing I've realized is that I DO fit in to a few places. And maybe this incident, where I really feel people over-reacted, is a sign that I don't fit in there and it's time to give it up. I felt super judged and unaccepted. I DO NOT feel this all the time.
I remember that when I found my socialist organization in college I felt like I had found MY people. I even told them that I had found MY people. I didn't like everyone of them, but I had found something I belonged to. I felt like I belonged. It's changed a bit since having a kid, but I still consider myself belonging to it. And they, in turn, accepted me.
Anyway, IT'S BOTH! I need to change and I need to get out and try new things more.
Tonight I went to a buddhist meditation, it was excellent. We're going to check out the Unitarian Church near us in a couple weeks. And I have an Al Anon sponsor now. If you google "children of alcoholics", some link will describe me to a T. And I don't even think my alcoholic family was that terrible. I guess that's why I mostly function alright.
I've come along way, but dammit do I have a long way to go.
One day at a time.
Progress, not perfection.
Two steps forward, one step back.
