The Moment You Were Born, I Was Born

I've been thinking a lot about giving birth.  Above is the first picture ever taken of my son, probably within a minute of his birth.  That's me with my boobs awkwardly uncovered (next time I'm getting completely topless).  That's my husband's arm around me.  That's some nurse whose name I don't think I ever knew.  My doula is holding the camera. 

I remember this moment like nothing else.  I didn't cry.  I was in amazement.  I smiled.  I was forever changed.  I was born in that moment.  The moment my son was born, I was born.  What is truly amazing is that I did it, like so many women before me, without ever doing it before.  You can't really prepare for giving birth.  You can read books and take classes, which I recommend.  But yours will go differently and you won't really be prepared. 

Mine didn't go as planned.  First of all I thought I would be more conscious than I was, but after my water broke about 8 hours before he was born, time and actions and people and places are a total blur.  I needed a lot of support, I couldn't call the shots, I needed my doula and the nurses to tell me what to do, what position to get into.  I was only able to turn inward and cope with the pain and then push when I felt like pushing, everything else needed to done by someone else.  My doula made sure I got water, a nurse got me juice, they told me when to try the bathroom, and Brent told me that I could do it, I could birth.  I had no energy for these things and I'm grateful for the support I had. 

I also couldn't get in the water and I know it sounds silly, but I mourn the loss of my warm tub of water.  I think I had to go through a lot more pain than I needed to because I wasn't allowed in the tub.  But in the end, I gave birth without drugs or interventions, which was my first priority.  And I'm not against drugs or interventions when the women is informed and makes a choice about it, but I wonder sometimes if others have had this moment in the picture above; the clarity, the awe, the moment of birth.  Nothing else in the entire world mattered in this moment.

And isn't that kind of what becoming a mom is about?  Nothing really matters besides your children.  If the kids are OK, then the world is OK.  I feel like I would have another child simply to have this moment again, that is how amazing it was.  The moment of birth is enough to make the pregnancy, the labor, the post partum hell all worth it.  I didn't cry when he was born, but looking back on it I do; tears of pure, unstoppable joy. 

And the next moment after the one pictured above (a few minutes later), I breastfed for the first time.

 

And I haven't stopped in five months.