I know people are usually well-meaning, and I'm sure I've said some of these things to other pregnant women, but there are some comments that just aren't helpful.
"The baby will change everything!" Really? Everything? The color of the sky? The phases of the moon? It won't change everything. Actually it is really bad to have a baby because you think it will change your life or make it better or make your spouse love you more. People should have babies because they want babies, period. I doubt my or Brent's personality will change much. We will grow and change as parents, but it won't be some huge difference, we'll just have way less time. Actually some people say this as if it's an awesome thing, while other say it as a warning. I much prefer the "it will change everything and be amazing."
"You think you are tired now, wait until the baby is here." We get it, newborns wake up every 1 to 3 hours demanding food, and we plan on giving him what he demands in his newbornhood. It will mean intermittent sleep for us, mostly me; it's a big reason I'm taking 12 weeks off of work, so I can just be with baby and sleep when he does. Or at least rest.
"Labor will hurt." Or really any birth horror story is so not what we want to hear right now. I'm really not scared of birth or the pain. Pain, in my lifetime, has usually been distressful when I don't know what is causing it or I don't know what to do about it. Pain during labor and birth has a purpose and I have techniques for coping with it. I am amazed that my body will know what to do and will get that baby out. I have confidence that I can do it with the help and support of others and I don't think it will be a horrible experience, I think it will be amazing. And I think if I keep in this mindset it will be. I know things can go wrong, but at least I will know I did everything I could. So horror stories or reminders of the pain are just getting annoying.
"You plan on working opposite shifts? That will be so hard and you'll never see each other." Yes, right now Brent will be working Friday through Monday and I will be working Monday through Friday, and hopefully Tuesday through Thursday when I return to work after my leave, although this is up in the air still. I want to work less hours during this stage of being the primary caregiver, and we don't want to pay for daycare and really don't want to use daycare, we really want baby to be with one of us. Some amazing coworker of Brent's actually said, "you will never regret doing that because you will spend so much more time with your baby." It's true, Brent will probably end up with baby by himself three days a week for at least a few hours. It will be sort of like we are both stay at home parents. We will both bond with and care for our baby, this seems invaluable to me. We will have less together time as a whole family, but we will both learn so much. I think children do best with multiple caregivers anyway, each parent will react differently which will make them more able to deal with everyone else. And it's possible we will need daycare a couple days a week. I'd much rather have it be 2 days a week than 5 days. And I can see this as a positive too, especially when he's a little older, he'll be able to interact more with other children. So the bottom line is, we don't see this as a negative mostly, we see it as a solution for us that will be positive.
There is something about having a baby that makes people make assumptions and ask a lot of questions. If I've learned anything it's that I should take my nose out of other people's parenting decisions because I sure as hell hate it when people stick their nose into mine. For now our decisions have mostly come from our lack of space and money, but they also come from our desire to be close with our baby. Co-sleeping and/or using a bassinet next to the bed somewhat comes from the fact that we don't have space for a crib. Elimination Communication and using cloth diapers somewhat comes from not wanting to pay for disposables and wanting to end the diaper stage as early as possible. We don't have a ton of baby stuff because we don't have space for it now, if we find we ABSOLUTELY MUST have some item, we will get it and make some room. I'm hoping a sling and a mei tai carrier will replace a lot of plastic baby holders and rockers. It seems better for a parent to hold baby anyway and with a carrier our hands can be free to do other things as well. This seems win-win to me, but people still insist we NEED a baby swing.
I really don't believe that people need tons of money or space to raise children. I think mostly they need the emotional availability and the time and energy and desire. I'm all for preventing unwanted pregnancies and unwanted births, but absolutely hate to overhear stuff like "I don't know how they afford all those kids." As if kids are a luxury item only meant for the upper-class. And I feel heartbroken when people say they want a baby but, "just don't have the money," or they just think they couldn't handle it. I want to say, "life is too freaking short! If you want a baby, have one, you will figure it out!" If you are having it because you truly want to be a parent, which most of us feel at some point, then do it! Chances are your life is not too messed up to handle it. Are you addicted to drugs? Psychologically unstable? On the run from the law? Probably not. You'll be fine. Support is out there.
Brent and I sometimes just have to reassure ourselves that we are capable adults, even if people say things that make us wonder. I've learned that someone will question every decision you make, so you might as well just do what you want. Use your gut feeling and be flexible and things will fall in to place, at least I suspect this is what will happen for us.
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