We had a prenatal appointment today. I've been looking forward to this one for a while because at this one we were going to hear the heartbeat. The midwife tried to find it at our 8 week appointment, but failed. I wasn't worried then, just disappointed. 8 weeks is sometimes too early to hear the heart beat, usually between 10 and 12 weeks is when it becomes audible by Doppler. Since my appointment was for 13 weeks and 5 days I was 100% certain that we would hear it loud and clear.
So I've been telling people about this upcoming appointment for a while, "we're going to hear the baby's heartbeat at our next appointment!" Is what I've told pretty much anyone I've talked to about the pregnancy since the last appointment. This was a huge thing for me. I don't feel very pregnant; just been sick and fatigued. It's hard for me to believe that a being is growing inside of me.
Today we drove in the snow storm to the appointment.
So here I was at my appointment that I had been looking forward to for weeks. The Doppler was on my tummy with a bunch of goo. I was about the hear the heartbeat and then this would all feel real to me. And the midwife searched... and searched... and searched. Then she felt for my uterus to better position the Doppler, and she searched some more. I was holding back tears by this point, and as soon as she gave up I started crying. She was very good with me and told me that sometimes heartbeats aren't found, but everything is fine. She said my uterus felt big enough for 13 weeks, but that she would send me to the hospital to get an ultrasound anyway.
We were given time to relax and ask some other questions we were wondering about then they sent us downtown to the Labor and Delivery unit. As soon as we left the clinic I said, "Crap! I forgot about the snow!"
Through the snow Brent drove us to the hospital, and now that we were alone, I started crying again. I just didn't know what to think. I needed to know that everything was alright, and I knew that everything probably was alright, but not knowing was horrible, and I just couldn't think about what to do if something was wrong.
The ultrasound went very quickly, they had been told that we were coming and let me change into a gown, put a bunch of goo on my tummy again and plunged the wand into my uterus. This I was not expecting, they really have to push it in to get a good image. The nurse was standing in the way of my view of it and I said, "I can't see." "I know these things are so blurry," the doctor said. I didn't have the heart to say, "um, no, I mean I can't see through your nurse!" I just moved my head around her and she got the picture. Then we saw it, I could tell right away that there was a head and a body, and I even saw the little flutter of the heartbeat. Relief.
They assured us that it looked healthy and was an appropriate size for 13 weeks. "Can we get a picture of this?" I asked, and they easily printed it out right from the machine. Then I cried again.
Walking out of the hospital my eyes were glued to the picture they had given me. "Well now we know for sure we are only having one."
So I didn't get to hear the heartbeat, but I got to see it, and now I have our baby's first picture. So if you subtract the worry and the driving in the snow storm, this was a blessing in disguise. And now it feels very real because I've seen the fetus inside of me; I have physical proof.
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