Oh my goodness my son turned one today! What a year it has been. Some of the most depressing, most anxious, most horrible times in my life happened in this last year. Also the most wonderful and joyous things have happened too. I truly love being a mother, all the bad stuff was worth it. I am really a changed person. I've had to prioritize a lot of stuff and have had to let a lot of things go, some that were really hard to let go of.
I think Brent and I have done a really good job. Our baby boy is flourishing. He's happy and growing, and very attached to both of us. We've really gotten into a harmony of being with him and having him in our lives, I don't feel like life could go on with out him. It was a huge adjustment, but we figured it out.
I have come to realize that we are way more relaxed than average. It took me a while to get relaxed, at first I was very anxious, but now we sit back and give him a lot of autonomy. We aren't hoverers and you won't ever find us disinfecting things. We let him learn by falling if he needs to and we've decided that we are pro-dirt and germs for the most part. He's been very healthy too. While I've never been sicker. He's had one fever, a half a dozen colds, one 12 hour period of vomiting and one short, mild bout of diarrhea from his first cold (too much mucus in the system we were told). He's also only had diaper rash once (during the diarrhea) thanks to our cloth diapering and elimination communication. No ear infections or anything else.
He started signing for milk, the one sign I've been doing consistently, which makes me wish I had done other signs consistently. It's quite amazing to have a little 12 month old telling you exactly what he wants.
I am now officially an extended breast-feeder, which is good because he still gets the majority of his calories from breast milk. I plan to continue for at least another year. He's never had a single sip of formula nor a single mouthful of pureed baby food. It's a total time saver, I don't yet have to think about his food at all. He has my breasts and bits of whatever we are eating and it's working great. Baby food is such a scam, I'm glad I avoided it. I have total faith that his eating skills will get better over the next year to the point where he's eating much more solids than he is now. Food is a non-issue and I plan on keeping it that way.
I've also discovered that co-sleeping makes traveling a breeze too. We don't have to pack a crib! And he's big enough now that he can actually climb out of hotel beds on his own pretty well. One queen or king sized bed is all we need for now. It's like the world was made for us.
Elimination communication has been mostly derailed for now, we have hit a major potty pause. We caught one pee on our week vacation and just today he peed on to the floor right after getting off the potty. I'm going to try to just do morning pees and after nap pees for now and just not stress. Again, I want potty to be a non-issue, just like food and sleep. He will eat when he needs to and sleep when he needs to. I barely can think about scheduling my own life, I can't imagine trying to schedule his. It means I sometimes have to wake him up from a nap to bring him places, but it all works out.
My only piece of advice to anyone wanting to have kids is that, for god sake, have kids with someone who is awesome. I can't imagine how hard this would all have been without my amazing husband. Children strain marriages because they change them fundamentally. We are not the couple we were before we had Cedric. In some ways it's better in some ways it's worse. We have less time for each other and there simply isn't anything to be done about it, it's just how it is, we'll have more time later. We got through this, so I think we can get through anything. Brent is an amazing father, I only hope he feels the same way about me.
Happy birthday to my son, who gave me the best job in the world.
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Friday, May 18, 2012
Balance is Bullsh*t, Hard Decisions are Reality
This has taken me a while to realize. And I'm sick of one word right now, "Balance." More and more people are saying this word. Things like, "it's all about balance." When referring to life with kids. I think I've figured it out and it's not about balance. Balance is a fallacy. You can't have it all. Something will always suffer or get put on the back burner. And this is the reality with all of life. Not just for those of us with kids. Stop trying to "balance" you life. Accept that things will get neglected.
Life is full of tough decisions and some of the toughest happen when we have kids. My biggest first tough decision was with my work. I gave up my decently paying job when Cedric was 5 months old because I wanted more time with him. This was not an easy decision. I cried a lot about this decision. I also both regretted it and was happy about it. It meant that we really didn't have enough money. I had to live with the consequences of my decision, both the good ones and the bad ones. I now believe that every decision has both good and bad consequences. There aren't "good" decisions and "bad" decisions, there are only decisions. Of course finding out good info can help you, but there is always a negative to anything you do, especially in the big decisions. And there is always a choice.
There just aren't enough hours in the day to do everything we want to do.
Right now, my political work is next to nothing. Something that was important to me before I got pregnant. Politics are still important to me, but my priorities have changed and I simply cannot devote much time to socialism. It sucks. It wasn't easy to decide to not do a lot. It doesn't just mean a slightly weaker movement, it means my relationship with my comrades has declined. I'm not as close to them as I would like to be. Political work is not in a balance, it's been thrown off the scale, into the dirt. If we lived in a society that did more shared child care, maybe this would be different.
I remember when I was actively trying to lose weight. I remember how much time and effort it seemed to take. I realized that I would really have to make weight loss a priority and let other things go if I was going to lose the weight I wanted. A tough decision. Planning to eat healthy food and get in some exercise takes a lot of time.
Right now I'm choosing to write this blog entry while my son plays by himself on the floor and my husband mows the lawn. He's playing with our shoes, luckily he's not putting too much stuff in his mouth these days. I'm letting that go, he can't destroy our shoes and I'm OK with him getting some dirt into him. I find I let a lot of things go with our son. I keep him away from dangerous things, but just don't have the energy to worry about little things.
So lets all give each other a break. First let's realize we all have options. There is always a choice. There are always positives and negatives to that choice. And we will always regret some of the choices we make, sometimes while simultaneously enjoying the same choice. I'm all for parents staying home with their kids, I see this as an ideal, but I know how tough of a decision that is to make, you can't somehow balance it and make more money appear. You can't advance your career while also spending lots of quality time with your kids, sorry, you have to choose and only you can choose it, and it will be a hard choice to make, one you will probably question frequently. And no one can tell you which choice is best for you. You will NOT find a balance, give it up.
Life is full of tough decisions and some of the toughest happen when we have kids. My biggest first tough decision was with my work. I gave up my decently paying job when Cedric was 5 months old because I wanted more time with him. This was not an easy decision. I cried a lot about this decision. I also both regretted it and was happy about it. It meant that we really didn't have enough money. I had to live with the consequences of my decision, both the good ones and the bad ones. I now believe that every decision has both good and bad consequences. There aren't "good" decisions and "bad" decisions, there are only decisions. Of course finding out good info can help you, but there is always a negative to anything you do, especially in the big decisions. And there is always a choice.
There just aren't enough hours in the day to do everything we want to do.
Right now, my political work is next to nothing. Something that was important to me before I got pregnant. Politics are still important to me, but my priorities have changed and I simply cannot devote much time to socialism. It sucks. It wasn't easy to decide to not do a lot. It doesn't just mean a slightly weaker movement, it means my relationship with my comrades has declined. I'm not as close to them as I would like to be. Political work is not in a balance, it's been thrown off the scale, into the dirt. If we lived in a society that did more shared child care, maybe this would be different.
I remember when I was actively trying to lose weight. I remember how much time and effort it seemed to take. I realized that I would really have to make weight loss a priority and let other things go if I was going to lose the weight I wanted. A tough decision. Planning to eat healthy food and get in some exercise takes a lot of time.
Right now I'm choosing to write this blog entry while my son plays by himself on the floor and my husband mows the lawn. He's playing with our shoes, luckily he's not putting too much stuff in his mouth these days. I'm letting that go, he can't destroy our shoes and I'm OK with him getting some dirt into him. I find I let a lot of things go with our son. I keep him away from dangerous things, but just don't have the energy to worry about little things.
So lets all give each other a break. First let's realize we all have options. There is always a choice. There are always positives and negatives to that choice. And we will always regret some of the choices we make, sometimes while simultaneously enjoying the same choice. I'm all for parents staying home with their kids, I see this as an ideal, but I know how tough of a decision that is to make, you can't somehow balance it and make more money appear. You can't advance your career while also spending lots of quality time with your kids, sorry, you have to choose and only you can choose it, and it will be a hard choice to make, one you will probably question frequently. And no one can tell you which choice is best for you. You will NOT find a balance, give it up.
Thursday, May 10, 2012
AP Parents are Normal Parents
OK. I gotta jump on the band wagon and blog about the TIME cover featuring a mother breastfeeding her three-year-old with the title, "Are You Mom Enough?" Why attachment parenting drives some mothers to extremes."
Awesome that she is breastfeeding a three-year-old, contrary to popular belief, this is actually not an extreme. You know what else isn't an extreme? Attachment parenting. If anything, it's for lazy people.
I've been hanging out with one group of local attachment parents at Powderhorn Park almost every Thursday for about 6 months. I'm still a newbie, but I've learned some things about these parents. I can only speak for the group I am involved with, but probably about a dozen regular parents show up most weeks. "Extreme" is not what they are about.
We have some things in common, most of us are white, most of us are married or partnered, most of us don't have regular day jobs (hence we can show up to a play group on Thursday afternoon), and most of us have at least one kid under five.
If you are picturing some kind of Attachment Parenting cult or exclusive club, where members are kicked out for using a crib, this is not the place. We lean more in one direction, for instance, most of us breastfeed or have breast-fed our kids. Most of us do at least some co-sleeping, or did. Most of us, if pregnant, are trying to go for a natural birth. Most of us at least own some kind of baby wearing sling or wrap or other carrier.
What I've found is a group of very relaxed parents. And a group of very attached, happy-looking kids. There is very little yelling, no punishments, no power struggles, no bribery. And the kids are also not yelling much or throwing tantrums, or running away from their parents, or hitting their parents or other kids. Basically seems to be a group of well adjusted children. Children I want to have.
I would not say extreme is the word to describe them. I'd say the better word is "thoughtful." Yes. These are thoughtful parents, they research and choose the birth place right for them. They choose the feeding method that is best for them. They find the sleeping arrangement that works for them. They discipline with thought instead of knee-jerk reactions. They figure out the best school for their kids or lack thereof.
But similarities end there. Most of us work at least part time, some full time, some even own their own businesses. Some of us home-school, some of us find privet schools, some find charter, some find public. I definitely have an opinion about what is best there, but making one decision one way or the other doesn't make you an attachment parent. Some of us use day care sometimes, some of us have nannies or have had them, some of us juggle our schedule so that our babies are mostly always with one parent or the other (HINT: It's what Brent and I do).
Some of us had attachment parents and some of us are doing everything different from our parents. Difference with purpose, to do better, to have our children have a better life than we did. Some of us vaccinate, some of us don't. Some of us are vegan or gluten-free or dairy-free, some of us eat plenty of meat and cheese.
Some of us do elimination communication, some of us use disposables on our three-year-olds. Some of us totally use strollers, in fact, a lot of us use strollers. We babywear, but we also use strollers, this is not an either/or type of a thing.
So where is the extreme? It this just about "extended" breastfeeding? Typical weaning of a child who is left to wean on his own is between 2 and 7 years with the average being somewhere around 4 years. 4 years is a biological norm. We've gone so far from this that breastfeeding after 6 months is not typical anymore in the US.
This TIME magazine cover makes me want to breastfeed my kids until kindergarten. I doubt I will make it that long, but for now, it works for me and I can't imagine voluntarily giving it up anytime soon.
Awesome that she is breastfeeding a three-year-old, contrary to popular belief, this is actually not an extreme. You know what else isn't an extreme? Attachment parenting. If anything, it's for lazy people.
I've been hanging out with one group of local attachment parents at Powderhorn Park almost every Thursday for about 6 months. I'm still a newbie, but I've learned some things about these parents. I can only speak for the group I am involved with, but probably about a dozen regular parents show up most weeks. "Extreme" is not what they are about.
We have some things in common, most of us are white, most of us are married or partnered, most of us don't have regular day jobs (hence we can show up to a play group on Thursday afternoon), and most of us have at least one kid under five.
If you are picturing some kind of Attachment Parenting cult or exclusive club, where members are kicked out for using a crib, this is not the place. We lean more in one direction, for instance, most of us breastfeed or have breast-fed our kids. Most of us do at least some co-sleeping, or did. Most of us, if pregnant, are trying to go for a natural birth. Most of us at least own some kind of baby wearing sling or wrap or other carrier.
What I've found is a group of very relaxed parents. And a group of very attached, happy-looking kids. There is very little yelling, no punishments, no power struggles, no bribery. And the kids are also not yelling much or throwing tantrums, or running away from their parents, or hitting their parents or other kids. Basically seems to be a group of well adjusted children. Children I want to have.
I would not say extreme is the word to describe them. I'd say the better word is "thoughtful." Yes. These are thoughtful parents, they research and choose the birth place right for them. They choose the feeding method that is best for them. They find the sleeping arrangement that works for them. They discipline with thought instead of knee-jerk reactions. They figure out the best school for their kids or lack thereof.
But similarities end there. Most of us work at least part time, some full time, some even own their own businesses. Some of us home-school, some of us find privet schools, some find charter, some find public. I definitely have an opinion about what is best there, but making one decision one way or the other doesn't make you an attachment parent. Some of us use day care sometimes, some of us have nannies or have had them, some of us juggle our schedule so that our babies are mostly always with one parent or the other (HINT: It's what Brent and I do).
Some of us had attachment parents and some of us are doing everything different from our parents. Difference with purpose, to do better, to have our children have a better life than we did. Some of us vaccinate, some of us don't. Some of us are vegan or gluten-free or dairy-free, some of us eat plenty of meat and cheese.
Some of us do elimination communication, some of us use disposables on our three-year-olds. Some of us totally use strollers, in fact, a lot of us use strollers. We babywear, but we also use strollers, this is not an either/or type of a thing.
So where is the extreme? It this just about "extended" breastfeeding? Typical weaning of a child who is left to wean on his own is between 2 and 7 years with the average being somewhere around 4 years. 4 years is a biological norm. We've gone so far from this that breastfeeding after 6 months is not typical anymore in the US.
This TIME magazine cover makes me want to breastfeed my kids until kindergarten. I doubt I will make it that long, but for now, it works for me and I can't imagine voluntarily giving it up anytime soon.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Don't Be Hating on the Pump!
I've come across some breastfeeding sites that have been totally anti-pumping. And I gotta say, "why?"
They make these outrageous claims about how inefficient pumps are and how they don't really work. I don't know where they get this info, or if they just plain make it up, but it is wrong.
Pumps take some getting used to, but I'm sorry, it's not really reality that a mother isn't going to be away from her baby until he's weaned. And there are mothers out there who exclusively pump. Meaning their baby gets only breast milk that has been pumped. Not to mention all the women who go back to work full time when their baby is 6 or 12 weeks old or more and keep up their breastfeeding just fine.
Pumps work, if you get the right pump.
DO NOT use a used pump! Don't take the one from your friend who used it with her baby a year ago. Get yourself your own, brand new, double electric pump. Pumps can be contaminated and motors wear out. I learned today that you should actually get a new pump with every kid, unless you've bought a hospital grade one, which you probably didn't because they are like $1000. They are not meant to be passed down.
Mine was paid for 100% by my health insurance. Pretty awesome. And I believe new legislation requires health insurance to cover them 100% in 2013 or possibly this year. So don't let expense keep you from getting a new pump.
Pumps are awesome. You can leave your baby with someone else and go do things! I would have lost my mind long ago if it weren't for my pump. Even before I went back to work, I used my pump so that I could get away. Moms need breaks from breastfeeding. Moms need breaks from baby-care. Condemning pumps is just as bad as telling a mom to use formula if she needs a break.
To me, being anti-pump is being anti-breastfeeding. It's giving out misinformation about a device that makes breastfeeding possible for mothers who want or need to be away from their babies. If you want mothers to spend more time with their babies attack the lack of maternity leave, not the pump.
Pumps are not inefficient! I can easily get 4-7 ounces of breast milk out in about 10 minutes of pumping with my double electric pump, some moms do even better than this. I do breathing exercises, look at pictures of my baby, think milk, imagine my baby breastfeeding, and the milk flows. It takes some practice, but it works. I worked a 12 hour shift and was away from my baby for about 14 hours and was able to do it in two pumping sessions about 6 hours apart. I had to pump a little longer, but I easily got out about 15 ounces total from both sessions. My breasts were very full, but it totally worked. Even the craziest work schedule, I believe, is manageable. I should have done 3 pumping sessions, but I simply didn't want to.
If your pump isn't working, you might need different sized flanges, new parts, a better pump, or a newer pump. Mine once wasn't working and it turned out I had a ripped valve I needed to replace (HINT: Keep replacement parts in your pump bag).
So can we please stop hating on the breast pumps? They are sometimes the only reason a mother is able to breastfeed. I personally have never met a breastfeeding mother who has told me she never pumps.
They make these outrageous claims about how inefficient pumps are and how they don't really work. I don't know where they get this info, or if they just plain make it up, but it is wrong.
Pumps take some getting used to, but I'm sorry, it's not really reality that a mother isn't going to be away from her baby until he's weaned. And there are mothers out there who exclusively pump. Meaning their baby gets only breast milk that has been pumped. Not to mention all the women who go back to work full time when their baby is 6 or 12 weeks old or more and keep up their breastfeeding just fine.
Pumps work, if you get the right pump.
DO NOT use a used pump! Don't take the one from your friend who used it with her baby a year ago. Get yourself your own, brand new, double electric pump. Pumps can be contaminated and motors wear out. I learned today that you should actually get a new pump with every kid, unless you've bought a hospital grade one, which you probably didn't because they are like $1000. They are not meant to be passed down.
Mine was paid for 100% by my health insurance. Pretty awesome. And I believe new legislation requires health insurance to cover them 100% in 2013 or possibly this year. So don't let expense keep you from getting a new pump.
Pumps are awesome. You can leave your baby with someone else and go do things! I would have lost my mind long ago if it weren't for my pump. Even before I went back to work, I used my pump so that I could get away. Moms need breaks from breastfeeding. Moms need breaks from baby-care. Condemning pumps is just as bad as telling a mom to use formula if she needs a break.
To me, being anti-pump is being anti-breastfeeding. It's giving out misinformation about a device that makes breastfeeding possible for mothers who want or need to be away from their babies. If you want mothers to spend more time with their babies attack the lack of maternity leave, not the pump.
Pumps are not inefficient! I can easily get 4-7 ounces of breast milk out in about 10 minutes of pumping with my double electric pump, some moms do even better than this. I do breathing exercises, look at pictures of my baby, think milk, imagine my baby breastfeeding, and the milk flows. It takes some practice, but it works. I worked a 12 hour shift and was away from my baby for about 14 hours and was able to do it in two pumping sessions about 6 hours apart. I had to pump a little longer, but I easily got out about 15 ounces total from both sessions. My breasts were very full, but it totally worked. Even the craziest work schedule, I believe, is manageable. I should have done 3 pumping sessions, but I simply didn't want to.
If your pump isn't working, you might need different sized flanges, new parts, a better pump, or a newer pump. Mine once wasn't working and it turned out I had a ripped valve I needed to replace (HINT: Keep replacement parts in your pump bag).
So can we please stop hating on the breast pumps? They are sometimes the only reason a mother is able to breastfeed. I personally have never met a breastfeeding mother who has told me she never pumps.
Monday, April 30, 2012
Correlation CAN Mean Causation
OK. For whatever reason I've heard this phrase a lot: "Correlation does not mean causation."
And as a psychology major who had to learn about research methods in EVERY SINGLE CLASS, I must speak up about this.
First of all, yes, correlation does not automatically mean that one item correlated with another caused the other. But it doesn't automatically mean there is no causation at hand. It means we have to look critically at the data and use other studies and repeat studies to really find out what is going on here. ONE study alone is never enough to prove anything.
You can't always set up a study to prove causation because there are often ethical guidelines that get in the way. Or you might be looking at historical data and cannot set it up to prove causation.
For instance people who are taller tend to also be heavier. And people who are heavier tend to also be taller. But gaining weight doesn't make you taller. But getting taller tends to make you gain weight. But then again we all know someone who is much taller than us, but who weighs less than us, and sometimes we are surprised that someone so short can weigh so much. Height and weight are correlated, but there's also some causation going on and some other factors too.
This is how it is for almost everything. Nothing is a one-to-one kind of a thing. We need to be critical of correlational studies.
BUT it does not mean that we ignore correlations simply because they can't prove causation all by themselves. They are important. And if they show a correlation between two things, we need to investigate further, especially when they don't make sense. But simply saying "correlation doesn't prove causation" seems just dismissive to me. It could be a fluke, there could be a third variable we need to look at, and yes, it could be that one is causing the other.
It's important to not jump to conclusions over ONE study. It's also important to not ignore the overwhelming evidence for something shown in many studies. Both are bad ideas.
Magazines are probably the worst at jumping to conclusions about one study. Some newspaper articles are also bad. Some study comes out and journalists jump at it declaring something silly. It's important to go to the actual study. I read so many research papers as an undergrad. A good research paper will talk about the limitations of the study and about the possibilities of other things going on contradictory to what the data shows. Nothing is ever cut and dry.
So don't read too much into one study and also don't automatically dismiss a study either. The more studies, the better. There are always going to be studies that end up showing some kind of a fluke that goes against the norm, this is why they need to be repeated and why we all need to keep an open and a critical mind.
And as a psychology major who had to learn about research methods in EVERY SINGLE CLASS, I must speak up about this.
First of all, yes, correlation does not automatically mean that one item correlated with another caused the other. But it doesn't automatically mean there is no causation at hand. It means we have to look critically at the data and use other studies and repeat studies to really find out what is going on here. ONE study alone is never enough to prove anything.
You can't always set up a study to prove causation because there are often ethical guidelines that get in the way. Or you might be looking at historical data and cannot set it up to prove causation.
For instance people who are taller tend to also be heavier. And people who are heavier tend to also be taller. But gaining weight doesn't make you taller. But getting taller tends to make you gain weight. But then again we all know someone who is much taller than us, but who weighs less than us, and sometimes we are surprised that someone so short can weigh so much. Height and weight are correlated, but there's also some causation going on and some other factors too.
This is how it is for almost everything. Nothing is a one-to-one kind of a thing. We need to be critical of correlational studies.
BUT it does not mean that we ignore correlations simply because they can't prove causation all by themselves. They are important. And if they show a correlation between two things, we need to investigate further, especially when they don't make sense. But simply saying "correlation doesn't prove causation" seems just dismissive to me. It could be a fluke, there could be a third variable we need to look at, and yes, it could be that one is causing the other.
It's important to not jump to conclusions over ONE study. It's also important to not ignore the overwhelming evidence for something shown in many studies. Both are bad ideas.
Magazines are probably the worst at jumping to conclusions about one study. Some newspaper articles are also bad. Some study comes out and journalists jump at it declaring something silly. It's important to go to the actual study. I read so many research papers as an undergrad. A good research paper will talk about the limitations of the study and about the possibilities of other things going on contradictory to what the data shows. Nothing is ever cut and dry.
So don't read too much into one study and also don't automatically dismiss a study either. The more studies, the better. There are always going to be studies that end up showing some kind of a fluke that goes against the norm, this is why they need to be repeated and why we all need to keep an open and a critical mind.
Thursday, April 19, 2012
My Love/Hate Relationship with the Pacifier
I have said before that I wish I had never used a pacifier. Mostly because I started using one so early, and used it going against my gut feeling. I have now learned that babies don't comfort nurse. They get comfort from nursing, but you can't over-nurse a baby. Your breasts will not become pacifiers. Baby will suck as much as he needs and even a light sucking is fine. Quick nursing sessions are fine, just like we sometimes get quick drinks of water.
Will people PLEASE stop telling mothers with very young babies things like, "Well, you don't want to become a pacifier!" Let's worry about limiting nursing for toddlers, not newborns. Newborns cannot be given ENOUGH breast milk. It is totally normal for a newborn to nurse during all of it's waking and some of it's sleeping time. You cannot over-breastfeed a baby. Your boobs figure shit like that out. If a mother of a six-month-old is wanting a break, then that is when you bring up pacifiers. Not with a baby that is days or weeks or hours old. Limiting nursing can seriously screw up your supply in those first few months.
With that being said. I also like the pacifier sometimes. It is a lifesaver during car trips. I can't nurse while driving. I also can't nurse when I'm not around. And since you can over bottle feed a baby, when I'm not around, the pacifier is good for him to suck on when boob is not an option.
At first the pacifier fell out a lot. And I was totally fine with that. I got really annoyed when people would hold the pacifier in his mouth. If he doesn't want it, then let him drop it. Sure it gets dirty, but pacifiers are something you can wash. We had a tether when he was a bit older, but it only held certain pacifiers... and it turns out our boy is picky about his pacifiers, no matter how much we try, he will only take the Avent Soothie pacifier. The tether doesn't fit this kind, and frankly a tether can be dangerous. But we don't really leave our baby unattended anyway, so I was OK with using one in a restaurant, for instance.
There was a period of time when we really had to make sure we had a pacifier with us, or we were in for hell. This is when I really started to hate them, I felt dependent on them. Baby would scream if he didn't have one. It turns out it was just a phase and slowly he has become less interested in them. I have even been known to take them out of his mouth when he is playing and he doesn't put up any fight.
I'm guessing we will slowly lose the pacifiers we have and sometime in the next year or so he won't want them, but I could be wrong.
But I gotta say, once your baby likes them, I really don't understand people trying to artificially get their children to give them up. Seems like a lot of work that might totally backfire, and I'm not sure there is much gain. Some kids are very oral and like to suck more than others. This is a need of theirs and trying to get them to stop sucking on things will probably mean this need will be filled in other places that might be worse or more prolonged. Plus I'm all for letting kids reach developmental milestones on their own. Some kids walk at 7 months, others don't do it until 18 months, both are normal and have little to do with what the parent does. Some kids refuse a pacifier altogether and others don't give it up until 3 years of age. Just like weaning from the breast, it could be 2 years, it could be 5 years. We should all just ignore those that say thing like, "he's still doing that?" or "he's not doing that yet?" These people are not helpful or supportive; seek new people.
He rarely uses a pacifier when I'm around, because I use my boobs instead. So the pacifier has become a boob substitute and I'm OK with that. It makes him happy and it makes things easier for dad and babysitters.
My advice (which is totally unsolicited) is to not use a pacifier if possible (hold your ground if you don't want to use one, it is possible to not use one), but if you do use one (which is fine, even if you swore you wouldn't), do not sweat it so much. And if you are breastfeeding, wait until your breastfeeding relationship is going well (usually one to three months). Don't do like I did and give in to the pressure, baby needs to nurse A LOT and baby can't nurse with a pacifier in his mouth. He also can't nurse in a hospital nursery, or while swaddled in a bassinet across the room! But that's another issue altogether.
Will people PLEASE stop telling mothers with very young babies things like, "Well, you don't want to become a pacifier!" Let's worry about limiting nursing for toddlers, not newborns. Newborns cannot be given ENOUGH breast milk. It is totally normal for a newborn to nurse during all of it's waking and some of it's sleeping time. You cannot over-breastfeed a baby. Your boobs figure shit like that out. If a mother of a six-month-old is wanting a break, then that is when you bring up pacifiers. Not with a baby that is days or weeks or hours old. Limiting nursing can seriously screw up your supply in those first few months.
With that being said. I also like the pacifier sometimes. It is a lifesaver during car trips. I can't nurse while driving. I also can't nurse when I'm not around. And since you can over bottle feed a baby, when I'm not around, the pacifier is good for him to suck on when boob is not an option.
At first the pacifier fell out a lot. And I was totally fine with that. I got really annoyed when people would hold the pacifier in his mouth. If he doesn't want it, then let him drop it. Sure it gets dirty, but pacifiers are something you can wash. We had a tether when he was a bit older, but it only held certain pacifiers... and it turns out our boy is picky about his pacifiers, no matter how much we try, he will only take the Avent Soothie pacifier. The tether doesn't fit this kind, and frankly a tether can be dangerous. But we don't really leave our baby unattended anyway, so I was OK with using one in a restaurant, for instance.
There was a period of time when we really had to make sure we had a pacifier with us, or we were in for hell. This is when I really started to hate them, I felt dependent on them. Baby would scream if he didn't have one. It turns out it was just a phase and slowly he has become less interested in them. I have even been known to take them out of his mouth when he is playing and he doesn't put up any fight.
I'm guessing we will slowly lose the pacifiers we have and sometime in the next year or so he won't want them, but I could be wrong.
But I gotta say, once your baby likes them, I really don't understand people trying to artificially get their children to give them up. Seems like a lot of work that might totally backfire, and I'm not sure there is much gain. Some kids are very oral and like to suck more than others. This is a need of theirs and trying to get them to stop sucking on things will probably mean this need will be filled in other places that might be worse or more prolonged. Plus I'm all for letting kids reach developmental milestones on their own. Some kids walk at 7 months, others don't do it until 18 months, both are normal and have little to do with what the parent does. Some kids refuse a pacifier altogether and others don't give it up until 3 years of age. Just like weaning from the breast, it could be 2 years, it could be 5 years. We should all just ignore those that say thing like, "he's still doing that?" or "he's not doing that yet?" These people are not helpful or supportive; seek new people.
He rarely uses a pacifier when I'm around, because I use my boobs instead. So the pacifier has become a boob substitute and I'm OK with that. It makes him happy and it makes things easier for dad and babysitters.
My advice (which is totally unsolicited) is to not use a pacifier if possible (hold your ground if you don't want to use one, it is possible to not use one), but if you do use one (which is fine, even if you swore you wouldn't), do not sweat it so much. And if you are breastfeeding, wait until your breastfeeding relationship is going well (usually one to three months). Don't do like I did and give in to the pressure, baby needs to nurse A LOT and baby can't nurse with a pacifier in his mouth. He also can't nurse in a hospital nursery, or while swaddled in a bassinet across the room! But that's another issue altogether.
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Being a Pioneer
One day, not too long ago, I said to my husband, "we are pioneers." We are determined to do things differently while raising our kids. We are certainly going to do things differently than our parents did. We are determined to seek out the best way, not just the popular way. We question everything, we try to follow our gut.
It is so hard being a pioneer. It's not like no one has done what we are doing before, but very few people we know are planning on doing what we are. Though some things are changing and we see a rise in people interested in some things we are doing. For instance I hear a lot of talk about EC and extended breast-feeding, and baby-led weaning, and many articles coming out against punishment, bribes, and reward systems.
The thing is, when you are a pioneer, even if you've thought things over a lot, you are often filled with doubt about your choices. And you spend a lot of time feeling alone. Also, I really don't know if all of my choices are the best, I have not deluded myself into thinking I am perfect. I have already made many mistakes.
And I'm not really completely against things. As long as people are informed about the choices they are making and aren't making them because someone else is insisting on them. What I hate more than anything is people not giving parents choice, whether it's about how they give birth or how they pick a school or what they choose to feed their child. There is ALWAYS a choice, and doctors or books that say that there is only one way are dangerous. I have all but thrown out some of the baby books I have. I get so pissed off at their potty training sections, one of the places they seem to act like there isn't a choice.
My favorite books have been the ones about punishment-free discipline, they really do give you a bunch of good choices and I feel like they can work with every kind of family. They are very empowering. They make me look back on my life and remember the stuff that didn't work, that just drove a wedge between myself and my parents. I want better for my children.
Being a pioneer means there is little guidance you can get from others. Almost no one in the country can tell you what to expect from breastfeeding a 2 or 3 year old. Almost no one can tell you what to expect from starting EC part time from 4 months of age. Almost no one can tell you how to let go and have faith that your child is developing at the rate and way that he needs to develop. I have a baby book that is divide into SINGLE months of development, I have found it completely useless when trying to learn about development. Babies simply do not develop on that tight of a schedule. And we live in a society that does not trust children, that thinks we need to shape our children. I have more faith in the human race than that. I have zero fear that my son will grow into a psychopath. He will grow up to be who he needs to be.
Being a pioneer often makes me feel I have nothing in common with other parents. We have been pretty chill about our baby and I pick up on the anxiety of other parents. I want to tell then to step back and enjoy, to stop seeing it as this HUGE job they have. I think that if you aren't enjoying it, you either need to change what you are doing or change your attitude. Not always easy. We are chill parents, but both of us have gone to the other one saying things like, "I can't do this anymore!" Usually just the acknowledgment that it is hard is enough to make us feel better, then we either change a course of action, like quitting a job, or we change our attitude a bit, realizing that most kids his age in this country have never used a potty.
Questioning everything and taking a possibly less-popular course of action based on evidence and gut feeling seems to be a rare but growing trend in raising children. It's amazing how much you have to fight for it sometimes. The simplest thing like refusing a vitamin-K shot became this HUGE deal at the hospital; a battle I lost and regret losing. But I won some battles too.
Being a pioneer often means you have to give up on worrying about what others think of you. You have to rely on your own convictions. I have often had to remind myself that my priorities are with my child and what is best for him, not with what others think or even with the feelings of other parents. I've never been concerned about winning popularity contests. I'd rather do what I thought was right and be seen as crazy then to do something I think is wrong. I'm starting to not care what anyone thinks. If I stay true to myself and my beliefs, then things will be alright. I've always been outspoken, and it has caused me some trouble, but it is a gift. One I hope to pass along to my kids.
It is so hard being a pioneer. It's not like no one has done what we are doing before, but very few people we know are planning on doing what we are. Though some things are changing and we see a rise in people interested in some things we are doing. For instance I hear a lot of talk about EC and extended breast-feeding, and baby-led weaning, and many articles coming out against punishment, bribes, and reward systems.
The thing is, when you are a pioneer, even if you've thought things over a lot, you are often filled with doubt about your choices. And you spend a lot of time feeling alone. Also, I really don't know if all of my choices are the best, I have not deluded myself into thinking I am perfect. I have already made many mistakes.
And I'm not really completely against things. As long as people are informed about the choices they are making and aren't making them because someone else is insisting on them. What I hate more than anything is people not giving parents choice, whether it's about how they give birth or how they pick a school or what they choose to feed their child. There is ALWAYS a choice, and doctors or books that say that there is only one way are dangerous. I have all but thrown out some of the baby books I have. I get so pissed off at their potty training sections, one of the places they seem to act like there isn't a choice.
My favorite books have been the ones about punishment-free discipline, they really do give you a bunch of good choices and I feel like they can work with every kind of family. They are very empowering. They make me look back on my life and remember the stuff that didn't work, that just drove a wedge between myself and my parents. I want better for my children.
Being a pioneer means there is little guidance you can get from others. Almost no one in the country can tell you what to expect from breastfeeding a 2 or 3 year old. Almost no one can tell you what to expect from starting EC part time from 4 months of age. Almost no one can tell you how to let go and have faith that your child is developing at the rate and way that he needs to develop. I have a baby book that is divide into SINGLE months of development, I have found it completely useless when trying to learn about development. Babies simply do not develop on that tight of a schedule. And we live in a society that does not trust children, that thinks we need to shape our children. I have more faith in the human race than that. I have zero fear that my son will grow into a psychopath. He will grow up to be who he needs to be.
Being a pioneer often makes me feel I have nothing in common with other parents. We have been pretty chill about our baby and I pick up on the anxiety of other parents. I want to tell then to step back and enjoy, to stop seeing it as this HUGE job they have. I think that if you aren't enjoying it, you either need to change what you are doing or change your attitude. Not always easy. We are chill parents, but both of us have gone to the other one saying things like, "I can't do this anymore!" Usually just the acknowledgment that it is hard is enough to make us feel better, then we either change a course of action, like quitting a job, or we change our attitude a bit, realizing that most kids his age in this country have never used a potty.
Questioning everything and taking a possibly less-popular course of action based on evidence and gut feeling seems to be a rare but growing trend in raising children. It's amazing how much you have to fight for it sometimes. The simplest thing like refusing a vitamin-K shot became this HUGE deal at the hospital; a battle I lost and regret losing. But I won some battles too.
Being a pioneer often means you have to give up on worrying about what others think of you. You have to rely on your own convictions. I have often had to remind myself that my priorities are with my child and what is best for him, not with what others think or even with the feelings of other parents. I've never been concerned about winning popularity contests. I'd rather do what I thought was right and be seen as crazy then to do something I think is wrong. I'm starting to not care what anyone thinks. If I stay true to myself and my beliefs, then things will be alright. I've always been outspoken, and it has caused me some trouble, but it is a gift. One I hope to pass along to my kids.
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