Being a Pioneer

One day, not too long ago, I said to my husband, "we are pioneers."  We are determined to do things differently while raising our kids.  We are certainly going to do things differently than our parents did.  We are determined to seek out the best way, not just the popular way.  We question everything, we try to follow our gut.

It is so hard being a pioneer. It's not like no one has done what we are doing before, but very few people we know are planning on doing what we are.  Though some things are changing and we see a rise in people interested in some things we are doing.  For instance I hear a lot of talk about EC and extended breast-feeding, and baby-led weaning, and many articles coming out against punishment, bribes, and reward systems. 

The thing is, when you are a pioneer, even if you've thought things over a lot, you are often filled with doubt about your choices.  And you spend a lot of time feeling alone.  Also, I really don't know if all of my choices are the best, I have not deluded myself into thinking I am perfect.  I have already made many mistakes.

And I'm not really completely against things.  As long as people are informed about the choices they are making and aren't making them because someone else is insisting on them.  What I hate more than anything is people not giving parents choice, whether it's about how they give birth or how they pick a school or what they choose to feed their child.  There is ALWAYS a choice, and doctors or books that say that there is only one way are dangerous.  I have all but thrown out some of the baby books I have.  I get so pissed off at their potty training sections, one of the places they seem to act like there isn't a choice. 

My favorite books have been the ones about punishment-free discipline, they really do give you a bunch of good choices and I feel like they can work with every kind of family.  They are very empowering.  They make me look back on my life and remember the stuff that didn't work, that just drove a wedge between myself and my parents.  I want better for my children.

Being a pioneer means there is little guidance you can get from others.  Almost no one in the country can tell you what to expect from breastfeeding a 2 or 3 year old.  Almost no one can tell you what to expect from starting EC part time from 4 months of age.  Almost no one can tell you how to let go and have faith that your child is developing at the rate and way that he needs to develop.  I have a baby book that is divide into SINGLE months of development, I have found it completely useless when trying to learn about development.  Babies simply do not develop on that tight of a schedule.  And we live in a society that does not trust children, that thinks we need to shape our children.  I have more faith in the human race than that.  I have zero fear that my son will grow into a psychopath.  He will grow up to be who he needs to be.

Being a pioneer often makes me feel I have nothing in common with other parents.  We have been pretty chill about our baby and I pick up on the anxiety of other parents. I want to tell then to step back and enjoy, to stop seeing it as this HUGE job they have.  I think that if you aren't enjoying it, you either need to change what you are doing or change your attitude.  Not always easy.  We are chill parents, but both of us have gone to the other one saying things like, "I can't do this anymore!"  Usually just the acknowledgment that it is hard is enough to make us feel better, then we either change a course of action, like quitting a job, or we change our attitude a bit, realizing that most kids his age in this country have never used a potty. 

Questioning everything and taking a possibly less-popular course of action based on evidence and gut feeling seems to be a rare but growing trend in raising children.  It's amazing how much you have to fight for it sometimes.  The simplest thing like refusing a vitamin-K shot became this HUGE deal at the hospital; a battle I lost and regret losing.  But I won some battles too.

Being a pioneer often means you have to give up on worrying about what others think of you.  You have to rely on your own convictions.  I have often had to remind myself that my priorities are with my child and what is best for him, not with what others think or even with the feelings of other parents.  I've never been concerned about winning popularity contests.  I'd rather do what I thought was right and be seen as crazy then to do something I think is wrong.  I'm starting to not care what anyone thinks.  If I stay true to myself and my beliefs, then things will be alright.  I've always been outspoken, and it has caused me some trouble, but it is a gift.  One I hope to pass along to my kids.