Post Partum Hell: Part 1 of ? (Pergatory)

I have dealt with a good dose of psychological issues in my lifetime.  Err... I should say, I'm in the process of dealing with them.  I used to take a lot of psyche meds, most of them didn't work for shit.  A few years ago I got off of all psyche meds, and felt pretty good.  I had a small freak out during the planning of my wedding and the doctor gave me an SSRI, which immediately made me feel manic and restless, and scatterbrained, so I stopped it.  He also gave me Klonapin, which is an awesome anti-anxiety med.  Of course I really don't like feeling drugged, so I often cut the pills into fourths, yes, fourths.  I think I only took a few doses and the rest were stashed away. 

Then I got pregnant.  Pregnancy raised the craziness from a 15% average to about 30%.  I did not want to take any meds during pregnancy.  It was hard.  There were days when I really, really wanted Klonapin, there were days that I really, really, REALLY, wanted a glass of wine and I felt so trapped by the stupid uterine dweller that I felt resentful and just wanted it to all be over. 

But I pressed on and survived and went a whole nine months on Caffeine, Tylenol, Advil (for weeks 14-24), regular Tums, a few doses of Unisom (for nausea), a couple doses of cough syrup, and one course of antibiotics for an ear and sinus infection.  Literally those were the only substances besides food and water that I took.  Next time I'm taking better nausea meds (if they exist) and heartburn meds.  But I just won't risk the possible complications with psyche meds. 

Pregnancy stated out very emotional, then the physical symptoms outweighed the emotional ones, then I just felt dumb for two months, and then the third trimester just slowly got me more and more crazy and more physically uncomfortable.  I was so ready for pregnancy to be over.  So ready to be a mom. 

Ha ha ha!  PMS, pregnancy, even birth, do not compare to post partum hell.  I would have gone through the whole birth again to relieve my post partum symptoms. 

And the thing is, it doesn't start right away, you get about a 48-72 hour honeymoon where you feel sore, and your kind of nuts, but you are also high on the birth and mesmerized with your baby, and stupidly in love with your baby and your husband (or partner, or boyfriend, or sperm donor, or whatever).  So you think all is well, "sure I'm ready to go home from the hospital!"  "No problems here!"

I remember getting home and sitting on the couch, holding my 2 day-old baby, and saying to my husband, "this feels so right."  It did feel so right.  I had felt like a mother without a baby for so many years and now I had my baby.  I was also incredibly horny. 

Too much information?  Something about the hormones of birth made me want to go try to make another one, over and over again.  It was so weird, I've never been so horny and simultaneously so ill equip to have sex in my life.  We did our best considering. 

The first part of hell I noticed the most was the physical pain.  I had no idea that giving birth hurt you so goddamn much.  I also got reports form other people in my family that it's not as bad as they think.  My mother in law even claimed that once you're home from the hospital, you're pretty much fine.  Oh my god, no.  I didn't have a C-section, an episotomy, or even an IV or an epidural.  I had one, minor tear. 

I actually woke up about 24 hours after his birth with pain in my body from head to toe.  Aching pain as if every muscle in my body had been strained and pushed beyond its limit.  Then about 6 hours later I got a terrible headache on top of it.  I was on the max dose of both Tylenol and Ibuprofen.  The all over pain was mostly gone by the time I left the hospital. 

I gladly took the wheelchair ride all the way to the car.  Who the hell turns down a wheelchair ride 48 hours after birth?  Wizards?  In fact I was back for a lactation visit at 5 days post partum and demanded a wheelchair then too.  I could still not walk long distances. 

I really had no idea how much it interfered with your walking.  For about 3 weeks, I really could not walk far. If I pushed myself, I got horrible pain in my hips.  I also had to walk slowly.  I wanted to go on walks, but it was so hard.  Next time I'm going to walk to the park and sit down and eat a picnic instead.  But at 4 weeks I was fine; I walked a few miles with the baby strapped to me, not quite a month old at Pride. 

You also bleed, a lot.  They tell you that the bleeding will last 4 to 6 weeks, mine lasted about 7.  Although by the end you are just spotting.  It's the first week that sucks the most because it's equivalent to the heaviest goddamn period you will ever have.  A period where something went very wrong. 

And you pee, A LOT.  My water weight came off so fast that even in the hospital I noticed how small my legs looked.  At two days post partum, when I weighed myself at home I was only about 8 pounds lighter than right before the birth.  At about a week post partum I was already over 20 pounds down.  Which means I peed out about 12 pounds of water in 5 days.  At my 6 week appointment I was down 32 pounds (most of it gone in the first three weeks).  I believe at least half of this was water.  Still on me was about 23 pounds of fat and boobs.  It's almost all gone today!  

Anyway, when you lose 20 pounds in a week, you notice it.  I noticed myself shrinking.  I could tell from day to day that I was shrinking. Looking down and not recognizing your own body is a strange feeling.  Add on some post partum hormones and you feel detached from your body.  I remember thinking that I was turning into an infant, like some kind of female Benjamin Button.  And I felt weak, so I wondered if my muscles and bones were wasting away.