I Hate My Blog and So Do You, Maybe

I have to admit it, I don't like my blog.  I don't like where it is going.  I don't like most of my posts. 

Yes, I'm my worst critic, but this is also not how I imagined my blog to be like.  My blog is actually kind of my first "this isn't what I expected motherhood to be like" moment.  Mostly I didn't expect for motherhood to make me into this instant baby activist. 

When my baby was born I spent many weeks crying on behalf of other babies.  I would lay in bed holding my newborn and sob and tell my husband, "I feel so badly for all the other babies!" 

It was instantly clear how little support there is for families out there and how child abuse and neglect is directly related.  It's inevitable in our society.  There just isn't enough support out there to prevent it.  I was mad at the world, I became literally suicidal when I read articles about babies dying or people mistreating their kids.  I probably should have seen a psychiatrist, but again... little support/resources available in our society right now.  I had to have my husband convince me it was worth it for me to live another day.  I actually felt resentful towards my baby a few times because it seemed he was the only thing preventing me from killing myself and ending all the pain.  I felt trapped on Earth for the first time. For the first time I had a real reason to live and at the same time a very convincing argument that the world was a horrible place and I needed to leave it. 

So this is kind of the start point of where my blog was coming from.  Not a very good one.  I felt a need to reach out and support and tell people what I'm doing and why and it has turned into this advice blog or something and I have grown to hate it. 

On top of that, I have little time for editing or rewriting, so everything is in first draft crap land, including this.

I wanted this to be a blog that's 90% anecdotal, "hey this is what happened to me and what we did," and 10% backed up by crap I've researched/my own gut feeling about it.  Instead it's 90% research crap I've barfed on to the screen and 10% anecdotal and it MUST END.  It is not what I want.

But writing is a process and thank you so much for reading my barfed crap on the screen.  I'm a good writer with little practice.  This is my practice.  One day I want people to pay me to do this.  I realise that is a long ways away. 

This is a turning point.  I need to change my focus.  And now that I have 7 months of parenting under my belt.  I have parenting/family stuff to write about.  So I'm going to go back and do a series of blogs about birth, then blogs about being in the hospital, then blogs about the post partum insanity.  Much more personal blogs about my experience, less preachy trying to save the world stuff.

Don't get me wrong, I want to save the world.  But I also want to write.  I also want people to read the stuff I write.

Now that I'm not quite so insanely postpartum, I can now see the fun in life and the anecdotes worth writing about.  I don't think this was possible for a while.  So thanks for hanging in there.  And I know if you are a worthy person to keep in my life you will forgive me for the blog gone off track. 

So, I promise: Less defensive, judgmental stuff (still some); more personal stuff, really getting to know Andrea and her Not So Typical Life. 

If you like my blog already, I promise it will only get better. 

And here we go.