The book I read that I almost wanted to buy for every parent out there is called The Science of Parenting by Margot Sutherland. Talk about having the evidence in front of you to back up what you are already feeling! This book goes through all the ways you can really screw up your child's brain, and also what to do to make your baby grow into a well functioning adult with high emotional intelligence and social skills. And it does it without telling you exactly what to do or exactly what they think kids should and shouldn't be doing. So it's preaching to you without being all preachy, if that makes sense. It give you the facts and case studies without saying you MUST do anything. Overall it advocates responding to your babies cries immediately and really explains why toddlers have tantrums and the different types they have. The only thing I didn't completely agree with was about time-outs. The book did say that they can be over used and used incorrectly, but I tend to think they can be not used at all.
Now I'm not saying that an occasional time-out will wreck your kid, but I'm not a fan of punishment. From the criminal justice system, to traffic tickets, to schools, workplaces, and children, I just don't think punishment works well enough. It works... some, but I'm picky, I want better than OK. Think about the last time you got a traffic ticket or a parking ticket, did it really make you want to drive better or follow the rules more carefully? Probably not, probably most of us swore and blamed the cop who gave it to us or some other jackass that deserved it more because he passed us going 75! I remember clearly getting a parking ticket in Stillwater for $10 and laughing all the way home about it with my friend. "Ten dollars! We pay more than that to park downtown!" We paid it and learned that parking too long in Stillwater will cost you a whole $10, big whoop.
Plus, I don't want children who obey and follow the rules, I want children who do the right thing even if it is against the rules. I want children who think for themselves and question what they read and hear about in school and the press. I want creative children who bend the boundaries and find new ways of doing things. Punishment to me only teaches obedience. Plus it just feels wrong in my heart. Now this doesn't mean a lack of discipline. I hope to discipline so hard I have no need to punish. I truly think that if we get to know our children really well and if children feel loved and secure in the world, then they will have less behavioral problems. On our part this will mean a lot of investigating, planning ahead, being pro-active, being flexible, and keeping a good sense of humor. I've seen a few misbehaving toddlers out there and thought, "I bet a toy would have solved this problem, that child is bored."
Our marriage vows included the vow to raise our children with kindness and compassion and it truly was the most important vow to me. I think when children are raised with kindness and compassion, without yelling, hitting, or punishing, then they will grow up to be kind, compassionate people who don't yell, hit, or punish. Not that I will never yell at my children, but I intend on apologizing and making things right after I do reach my breaking point. Brent, though, will probably never yell. I've never even heard him swear, unless he is retelling something that someone else has said or making a joke. I have never heard him swear in anger or frustration.
I just don't think we are motivated by punishment. I think we are motivated by good feelings and a sense of accomplishment. I'm not going to be able to send my 23 year-old to his room when he leaves the kitchen a mess and refuses to clean it up. Hopefully I have taught him how to clean and the importance of cleaning and have tried to make him feel good about coming home to a clean house. (I have to laugh at myself a little, our house is a mess. I'm hoping the fact that baby puts everything in his mouth will jump start our cleaning habits a bit).
I believe in actions have consequences and that demonstrating this for kids is important, but, in most cases doesn't require punishment. For example when Mia and River, Tara's girls, are being mean to each other and I'm watching them I ask "do you need some space and some time apart?" "it seems like you are needing that, is that what is going on?" Then I ask them to tell the other person what they are feeling, why that bothers them. I'll then reinforce this by explaining the situation back to them. If they do need alone time I ask them to try playing in different rooms. Kind of like a time out but not a punishment. This usually works wonders but does take time. Seems like a lot of parent's don't have the time to do this or rather don't make the time. But, it really does seem like explaining things to kids is the way to go. They aren't stupid.crystal
ReplyDeleteYou are awesome, Crystal, you can babysit anytime! I totally believe in consequences, most of them are natural. And these might lead to a child having to be removed from a situation (temporarily or permanently) because they aren't able to handle it yet. Similar to time-out, but I hope to never use the word to threaten my kids into good behavior. More of a "if you aren't going to play nicely, you won't be able to play for a while." Or a "you seem very angry, lets leave the room so you can calm down."
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