My last post really bothered me after reading it later. My first sane thought was, "dude, Andrea, other people are not in charge of your feelings..."
For a few months, even before I got pregnant I've felt really bad when I hear other people complaining about anything about their children. I'm not sure why exactly. My guess is it stirs up things from my own childhood and makes me feel like I'm the child that needs to defend itself. So really, this is my problem, not any other parent's problem out there. I was often brought to tears reading baby books over the summer. This is going to be a very emotional journey for me. Hell, it's an emotional journey for anyone, but even more so for me I think.
I really feel that already I've had to parent myself while I am parenting my child. Reading about children and parenting just intensifies my awareness of my own shortcomings and makes me want to change them even more. I really, really, don't want to mess up my children, but at the same time I really, really, have to watch out for perfectionism. A few nights ago, when Brent and I were cuddling in bed I said simply, "I'm going to need a lot of support."
I'm not going to need advice or ideas, usually; what I'll really need is for people to tell me that everything is OK. This is normal, Andrea.
Normality is something I have struggled with, firstly because I'm not sure what normal looks like, secondly, I had an image of myself for so long of being abnormal, that it's hard to realize that I'm actually, mostly, normal.
I guess the biggest reason that I feel horrible when I hear people complaining about their children is that I have vivid memories of being made to feel like I was a failure as a child. Children pick up on more than most people realize. Some teachers were just horrible, and you have to remember that I was an undiagnosed ADD kid too (most girls with it are). I got the message that things were too hard and I wasn't good enough, so why even try? This message got better over the years but it's something I still struggle with today. I like to think my intelligence helped me; I did well in college, and I can fool the system a bit, but there are lots of things out there that I'd like to be doing, but just never start. It's one of those many shortcomings.
The biggest thing for me will be providing my children with a sense of security. This could mean a lot of pretending. Pretending I'm not mad at Brent, pretending I'm not worried about money, pretending I'm not ready to sell my children. I've got some improv training, I should be able to fake it. Luckily Brent is pretty calm and collected all the time. I think he's snapped at me two times in three and a half years. I can only think of two major "fights" we've had, but they might not have even looked like fights to others.
One was early in our dating and another one revolved around wedding stress (this one probably did look like a fight) to which I said, "I think that was our first fight, honey!" Any other disagreement or snafoo has lasted only a couple minutes. Usually ending with me being angry and quickly forgetting all about it and sometimes apologizing for getting so bent out of shape over something small. But I have a feeling that when you throw kids into the mix, things heat up a bit. The Honeymoon is over. But I have confidence that we won't yell at each other in front of the kids, and we will mostly be affectionate towards each other.
Money worries is another one kids shouldn't have to know about. Obviously sometimes it's hard to hide, but hopefully I raise children that value friendships and activity instead of things. Since I believe that you don't need a lot of money to raise children, in fact I think too much money is a bigger problem sometimes, I think we can come up with cheap and creative ways to entertain the kids. I think my favorite toy when I was a kid was a cardboard box I could fit in. My mom entertained her step-grandchildren for hours with paintbrushes and water (they "painted" the house). I also spent days at the pool when I was a kid. Today pools can only amuse me for about 30 minutes, I wonder what I did for three or four hours, five days a week when I was 9. But I HATED swimming lessons. No one ever taught me how to swim, I just did it. Eventually the water wings came off. Don't ask me to do any strokes, but I can get to the bottom of a pool and back up again.
Anyway, sorry I'm a bit judgmental these days. Parenthood is a huge thing, I guess. Chances are, most of you are doing OK. If not, go get some help, eh? Just like I plan on doing.
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