No Plans to Wean, No Goals to Meet.

I haven't weaned my 40 month old son.  I never thought I would nurse this long.  Sometimes I'm so glad that I still do, other times I hate it so much.  When I complain about it, mostly people tell me I should just stop.  Just wean him.  You'll both be better off.  Sometimes I agree with them.  But I can't do it yet.  And I might be wrong, but I'm not ready to yet.

I'm not trying to prove anything anymore like I was in the first two years with my "not a drop of formula will be consumed" ideals.  My goals are long, long, long ago met.  Met well.  I also have a 10 month old baby I am nursing.  My goals with her are more hazy, as is everything with the second baby.  She appears to be another very booby-loving baby, so will no doubt nurse for a long time if I let her.  I don't ever plan on getting pregnant again, so I won't have to deal with the pain that pregnancy brings to nursing. 

I don't stop because I am scared to stop.  Nursing is what I know.  It's what I do.  It's the main part of my mothering those first couple of years. 

And I already weaned him once.  I did it already. And I don't regret it for a second, because my pain I was feeling was so great I could not go on anymore.  Solidarity with anyone who quit over extreme pain, I understand, and I understand why you probably have no regrets about your choice to quit either. 

But if I am to be completely honest, it was just a few months after this that my son came down with chronic congestion, and then a month later I caught his sleep apnea in action. I was 38 weeks pregnant with his sister.  And when she was just three weeks old he was diagnosed with severe obstructive sleep apnea.  I don't know if the two are related.  But what if they are?  He also gained no weight between 24 months and 30 months.  Then when he relactched his weight picked up again. 

Having a 2 year old have surgery when you are 1 month post partum was just so crazy.  I barely remember February.  I let him have all the milkies he wanted for a while, it was all he would eat or drink the first day after surgery.  Then after he seemed like he recovered I cut him back.  But I couldn't quit.

He screamed at me for days when I weaned the first time.  How long this time from a much older, smarter boy?  And what about his health now?  We are still dealing with lots of congestion and allergies.  When he has a cold, I hear signs of his apnea coming back temporarily.  And his sister is still fed mostly on demand, which he sees.  And he is still transitioning into being a big brother and what that all means.  And I can tell he is jealous of her.  He pretends to be the baby a lot.  When I play with him one-on-one he often wants to be the baby, so that's how we play.  So he can get extra attention and get his baby needs met.  I feel like taking away his milkies now would only make this worse. 

There is so much he doesn't get that his sister does.  She gets to be in bed with us, she gets picked up more, she gets nursed to sleep, she needs more help with everything, she gets more attention because she needs more.  He feels left out.  We do our best to give him what he needs.  I feel like weaning now would take away this need.  Even though sometimes I hate it.  Sometimes I tell him I want to stop it.  He, of course, does not agree. 

I never thought a 3.5 year old could love nursing so much.  I once joked I loved it so much I would do it until he was five... well now five isn't so long from now.  Five seemed like an eternity when he was 6 months old.  It didn't seem possible, now it seems highly likely.  The projection is looking like a kindergartener coming home for his snack of milkies after school. 

At least it's still the best nutrition around for him.  And sometimes I still do like it.  I like that we connect this way.  But I also like that I limit it to three times a day, usually.  There is a lot of tough love from mommy around milkies.  Lots of Nos.  I can't handle a full on weaning right now.  That sounds way more scary than nursing him another 3.5 years. 

So we go on, and I'm sure I'll be told to wean many more times, and I can continue to not wean, or maybe I will wean sometime.  I don't know.  There is no plan, and that itself is empowering.  To give up and let go of all semblance of power you think you have over it, because we have so little to begin with.