OK, I can't take it anymore. The Mommy Wars. Not the actual Mommy Wars, but the campaign to end the Mommy Wars. Guess what, the Mommy Wars are largely a part of your imagination!
Today on the Facebook I came across another image of two mothers holding signs. You've probably seen them. Two mothers who did two different things with their kids and look they are in the same room together with out physically attacking each other! More women should be like this!
In this photo, one sign said "I had a natural home birth," and the other said, "I planned my C-section." And amazingly, these women are like, friends or something. They don't hate the other. *large eye roll*
I'm done with it. There are no Mommy Wars! There are assholes. There are people out there who will judge you and say stuff to your face about how you are doing the wrong thing, even when you are not. But the idea that us mommies, us crazy ladies, just can't stop warring with each other over our birth and pregnancy choices, or our infant feeding choices, and how we are all just a bunch of Judgy McJudersons and need to get over it. I'm going to take a stance that this isn't true!
What happens instead is that those who have actual expertise on birth or breastfeeding or child development are called out on being judgemental when they are, in fact, just giving out good information. And what happens is that when moms like me try to advocate for better birthing options, or ending Booby Traps to meeting breastfeeding goals, or give out info on car seat safety, we are told we are being judgmental.
I am NOT going to unconditionally support you, just because you are another mommy struggling in this world. Sorry. If you hit your kids and practice something unsafe, I'm not going to support you in that. When did support for mothers and parents turn to this idea that we can't call out bad stuff?
Sorry, formula feeding mothers, the reality is not that there are a bunch of breastfeeding mothers and doctors judging you. The reality is that you are in a majority. Although breastfeeding initiation rates are around 75%, making it to six months of exclusive breastfeeding is around 20%, meaning the vast majority of infants receive formula at some point. The reality is that mothers are rarely meeting their breastfeeding goals because bad info and support around breastfeeding is prolific.
I support every mother to reach whatever breastfeeding goal she has. Period. I DO NOT support people handing out bad breastfeeding information that undermines a mothers ability to reach her breastfeeding goals. Just as I support a woman's choice to birth her baby how she wants to, but DO NOT support bad birth information being spread around. Your decisions about what to do are your decisions. But inaccurate info is just that; stop making it about your decisions and taking it so personally. Guess what, we all make mistakes and do things that aren't great.
Mommy wars are an internal struggle many of us feel about not being good enough. This is inside our heads. Guilt comes from INTERNAL conflicts, not from other mothers shoving stuff in your face. Yes, there are assholes out there, and they are also struggling with their own internal crap. It's a tall order, but try to have some compassion for their struggles and then ignore the crap that comes out of their mouth and hang out with non-assholes.
I felt I was the most assholish in the first six months of my sons life... when I was suffering from a pretty bad case of post partum depression and anxiety. My internal struggles trumped anything else. I had to get those under control before I could start forming better relationships with just about everyone. If someone is chastising you in public because your baby doesn't have socks on (happened to me), this has way more to do with them than you. They are probably an asshole with a whole host of problems, and you are probably doing nothing wrong. This is not Mommy Wars.
You are in charge of your own feelings about your motherhood. No one can MAKE you feel guilty unless you let whatever they said get to you. If you are confident in your decisions, then the comments of others will not bother you, or you will have good facts and information that can back you up. If you lack this confidence in your decisions or feel lost and unsure of what to do, then you will feel bad at every comment. And then I highly suggest you go and find support from a doula, or a lactation expert, or a parenting group, or counselor.
Too many times I see people with good info being attacked because their info doesn't line up with what someone is currently doing or believing. I am going to continue to fight against barriers to breastfeeding, even if it makes you uncomfortable. I'm going to continue to fight for good birth choices, even if it bothers you. I'm going to fight for non-violent parenting practices, even if it bothers you. And I am not going to say that doing these things makes me part of the Mommy Wars.
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