Coming out as an Athiest

It's only been recently that I have really realized how unique it is to be without religion in the US.  I'm not one of those people who was forced to go to Catholic school and slowly began questioning things and decided that I was no longer a believer.  I've never been a believer.  I wasn't raised around religion.  I went to church a handful of times, mostly for weddings and funerals and major Christian holidays.  I never read or studied the bible or any other holy text.  It was a given my whole life that there were no super natural forces in the universe.  This is a unique environment to grow up in.

As I went through my political "awakening" and became a materialist and a socialist it was further solidified in my mind that I am pretty much 100% sure that there is no God.  Though I agree that one cannot prove nor disprove the existence of God.  I also agree that many people find lots of joy and comfort in religion. 

This does not mean I am not spiritual, in a sense.  I strongly lean toward Buddhism.  I believe that we can find inner peace within ourselves even when we are in very difficult situations.  In fact I believe that we cannot avoid suffering and pain in life.  Life is full of pain and suffering and unfulfilled desires.  All we can really do is accept what we cannot change and try to change the things we can.  And I've come to learn that pretty much the only thing we can change is our own actions; we only have control over ourselves, and sometimes only a fraction of ourselves.  This has deep implications for my parenting.  This belief helps me a lot.  I realize I have no control over my baby, I can only change what I do.  It's very relaxing and empowering.  I imagine it is similar to those who say thing like, "it's in God's hands now."  I actually don't think I am that different from a highly religious person, I just have no belief in super natural activity; I need to see it to believe it. 

I feel alone at times, however.  I have many atheist friends, or at least agnostic, non-religious friends.  We tend to find each other.  But Christianity is everywhere.  I decided about 10 years ago that I thought it would better to not pray at all then to pretend to pray, so when I'm at weddings or funerals and they say, "let us pray," I keep my head up and look for others who decided to not pray.  I don't see it as an act of defiance, I see it as a respectful bowing out, "this is for you, but I will pass."  Much like I would never take communion at a service. 

I dated someone who was a believer and we would get into fights about religion.  Mostly I would get annoyed at how it seemed that EVERY politician and everyone on TV and every sporting event would have some kind of reference to God.  As an atheist, sometimes you feel like God is shoved down your throat a bit, because it is so ingrained in our culture.  And it's uncomfortable sometimes because you don't know what to say and you wonder what anyone's reaction will be if you tell them, "I don't actually believe this stuff."  So he would get me to admit that I felt superior, which I do sometimes, because I find it so hard to understand how the majority of people can believe in supernatural things that they've never witnessed with their own two eyes.  Then he would tell me that I was awful for feeling like I was better than others and that I was the reason things were so messed up.  Which, amazingly, made me feel the opposite.  More like, "you are ridiculous, you are proving my point that I am superior."  One of many reasons our relationship didn't work out.

I also once got into a HUGE fight with a religious person once because I was trying to get him to admit that he couldn't prove the existence of God, so therefore, he had to admit that there was a chance He didn't exist.  He basically told me that I was going to hell for not believing.  I told him that I didn't believe in hell and well... you can see where that would go. 

So, I've had some bad run ins with religious people who don't seem to want to understand my point of view. 

When I told my husband that I was annoyed at missionaries and people who try to recruit people to their church he came up with an interesting argument, "I'm annoyed when they don't recruit me.  I mean, if they really believe that my soul is going to hell, they should do everything in their power to try to save my soul."  He was kind of kidding, but it made me look at missionaries differently.  I also started to view missionaries more sympathetically when I started my own political work and was trying to recruit people to a socialist organization (OMG hard work!).  I imagine some of my stress was similar to theirs. 

I do wonder how people judge me.  I don't hide that fact that I'm an atheist.  I don't announce it, but if people ask me questions about religion, I admit that I am not religious.  Do people really fear for my soul?  Do people imagine me to be unhappy and lost?  Do they respect my decision to raise my own children without monotheistic religion?  Do they go home and say, "WTF? Andrea didn't baptise her son? How does her life work? Does she sacrifice goats and dance naked too?"  Are they confused?  Do they think I'm doing immoral things because I don't have God in my life?  These questions honestly freak me out sometimes because I am someone who is overly worried about what people think of me, even though I often act the opposite of that feeling.  I act the opposite because more than anything I want to up hold my integrity.  I'm an awful liar and rarely do it, which is why I admit to being a socialist, an atheist, a breast feeder, a person who is overcoming mental illness, and many more things.  My hope is to help stop the stigma associated with some of these things and to not feel so alone.  If I don't admit to them, I will never find others like me out there. 

And yes, I respect your religion and sometimes look at it with envy and curiosity, but it's not something I will ever be a part of.  I will find and am currently finding community elsewhere, which I do believe is important to find.  And you can rest assured that my soul is not dammed for hell and that I'm not out doing immoral things, in fact I'm in a monogamous, happy marriage and I'm fighting for system-wide societal change for the better of the entire world when I have time away from trying to raise my children the absolute best I can.