Some of you kept up all month writing something you are thankful for every day. I'm not like that I cram them in all at once. I came up with 13 and that's good enough.
I am thankful for:
1. My husband: Seriously every single day I have had him in my life I have felt deep gratitude. I only hope he feels the same way, otherwise I need to get my act together.
2. My 2 year-old son. He teaches me something new every day, mostly to relax and smell the roses and to slow down and be calm. He's also a constant reminder that we have zero control over other people in our lives.
3. My ability to do jobs most people don't want: I've pretty much always worked with difficult humans in some sense. I've somehow mastered the art of being yelled at and sworn at and having things go terribly wrong in public and been able to deal with it well 99% of the time. I actually have learned to like it, as long as I have a good organization supporting me that doesn't expect me to be a miracle worker (doesn't always happen), I'll take a difficult client and roll with the punches.
4. My fertility: We could have hand-picked the months we wanted our children to be born in if we had wanted to.
5. The Twin Cities: I was moved here when I was two and a half and both my parents are from MN, so really this was sheer luck. But I feel that it's probably in the top three places in the US to live. Especially fond of Minneapolis itself. I don't even think I'd consider moving to St. Paul at this point, I'm too in love with Minneapolis.
6. Running: I never thought I would be a runner and then one day I decided to try and I found that I like it, plus it keeps me strong and fit when I do it.
7. My baby girl: I was actually on my knees praying for a healthy girl when we were trying to conceive this pregnancy and the spirits delivered. I love my son more than I ever thought I could love anyone, but I really wanted a girl too and was not too keen on the idea of having three kids. Though she's not out yet, we could still have a surprise boy.
8. The good friends I've slowly collected over the years: I'm often amazed that you all like me and want to spend time with me. More than anything else you all keep me from indulging in my escapist fantasies of moving to another state.
9. My access to good health care: I've never been without health insurance and this is from sheer good luck. I don't hesitate to make an appointment or head to the hospital when I need to. This is a luxury in the world. I've also managed to find some incredible doctors and midwives who have supported my wishes and treated me well. It makes dealing with the bad ones that much easier.
10. Our finances: Neither of us make a lot, but due to some lucky timing and family help only one of us has student loan debt, we have a duplex that brings in income, and we've hardly paid for any childcare. On paper we should be doing worse than we are, but we've even been able to save money in the last few years. It also helps that neither of us are big spenders and we're both on the same page as far are financial goals go. We've never fought about money.
11. Socialist Alternative: I would feel lost in the world without socialism. It's like my religion, it makes me not feel like such a weirdo for actually having deep faith in humanity and wanting everyone to thrive in the world. Like Che said, I do believe that revolutions come from deep feelings of love. Someday I will do more with them, or at least send them more money.
12. My intelligence: I'm far from genius, and I've basically had to tell my husband that no matter how much he tries to explain the stock market to me, I'm not going to absorb it. But I've been told by three different supervisors now that I catch on to jobs quickly and that they don't really have to worry about me. I remember a lot and do well in school. I used to actually hate that people kept telling me how smart I was, because I didn't think being smart was actually making my life any easier (harder if anything because of the EXPECTATIONS), but I've learned to love this gift and realize it's limitations too. You can't smart your way into happiness, at least not all the way.
13. My growing spirituality: Ever since my son was born, I've felt this connection to something bigger in the universe, I don't know what it is and probably never will, but it's nice that it is there. And I don't think it goes against anything scientific either as we don't know everything about the human mind or the universe yet. I believe we can "know" something without scientific proof of it's existence. I think someday science and the spiritual world will overlap significantly; I just have this feeling.
Friday, December 13, 2013
Saturday, December 7, 2013
Will it Be Better This Time?
I've had some mental illness in my life, but nothing compared to how horrible I felt after the birth of my first child. I got hit hard with the baby blues at about 3 days post partum and it got much better after 3 weeks and then turned into more of a low-grade depression with acute anxiety symptoms that slowly got better over the course of about a year. But those first three weeks were awful.
I've been reading "What am I Thinking?: Having a Baby After Post-Partum Depression." I recommend this book! But it's been making me remember just how bad it was. Firstly let me say that it's a myth that those of us who have PPD want to hurt our babies. We are actually terrified we WILL hurt our babies or our babies will get hurt, but we generally don't hurt them.
It wasn't just hard. I felt like I could NOT do it. I felt like I could not be a mother, ever. And yet here I was STUCK as a mother for the rest of my life. I thought of all the things that could hurt my precious newborn and could not imagine that he would live through the week. Cars would drive by our house and scare me because I was sure they were going to somehow crash into us. I grabbed my husband and asked him over and over to promise me we would never hurt him. I also told my husband that I COULDN'T DO THIS.
I wanted to die, I wanted to die so badly, but I loved my baby so much and I realised how much he depended on me, how bad his life would be without me, how big of a loss I would be to him and I felt trapped. Trapped on Earth, so much wanting to leave but so much unable to ever leave it because I knew I could never do that to my child.
I never had love hurt that badly. And I wondered if I would ever feel happy again, or if now that I was a mother, I was ruined forever, always to feel depressed and anxious, never getting relief until the day I died. I couldn't handle anyone talking the slightest bit negatively about any baby or child or any stories about childhood that were anything but 100% awesome. Because anything less than perfect terrified me. My brain took it to the next level. The mention of me being put in an infant seat on a table made me see babies falling to their deaths from tables. The thought of any baby getting hurt was too much for me to handle. Don't those mothers feel what I feel? I thought. Why would anyone not protect their baby 100%?! I couldn't handle it. I became the most judgemental person in the world. I loved my baby too much if anything, how could others abandon or hurt theirs?
I also couldn't make simple decisions. I told my husband to bring me food. I could not decide on which food to eat. What to pack in the diaper bag seemed excruciatingly hard to figure out. I had panic attacks over being out of the house without the right stuff.
But I had to get out of the house, I was going insane staying in my house. I needed to see the great outdoors, even though they frightened me. So I went out and cried. I cried at a baby shower, I cried at Target, I cried in the car a lot. I couldn't not respond to my infant, we pulled the car over once to nurse him because I was freaking out and couldn't handle him having to wait 5 mins. I was ultra responsive. I couldn't understand how anyone could leave their baby to cry for even 10 seconds. I couldn't be out of sight of him either without crying. And I couldn't sleep without him being right next to me (this lasted for the whole year actually). I couldn't imagine being able to handle a cold or mastitis or an ear infection. It was hard enough with a happy, healthy baby, how would I ever cope if he got sick?
I had a deep primal need to be with him and care for him, something I think was actually a very good thing. And I'm glad I gave in to the instinct. I think the reason we did so well overall is that I was holding him all the time and nursing all the time, he was very well cared for, he thrived, even though his mom was not. I also say that he was a pretty easy baby those first couple months, I never wasn't able to calm him for the most part (except for the over-active let down I had to deal with).
Breastfeeding was a great comfort for me. It calmed me down, it released great hormones, it was almost as good as an anti-anxiety med. I had a strong reaction to it in the first couple weeks, it was hard to stay awake while nursing.
It slowly got better. The hormones slowly got back into place. I ended up with worse PMS then I had before, maybe a relic to the post partum period.
So will it be better this time? I have hope it will. For one, I know I can get through it. I also know what to expect. I know that I possibly won't feel like myself for about a year. There are less unknowns this time. I quit my job at 5 months post partum last time, I think partially because I was having PPD. Interviewing while post partum felt so strange. This time I have every intention of staying with the job I have now, which is part time. I also had a really hard time calling anyone last time, and was very sad no one called me (I actually thought it showed what a horrible person and friend I was). This time I'm going to try my best to call people when I need them.
But I also will have two kids this time. And this baby could be more fussy. This baby could be ill more. Something outside of my control could be worse. And my two year old is who I worry about the most. How will he handle a mom who cries randomly? Will I scare him? Will I be unable to meet his needs? Will I even be able to supervise him properly? Will he try to hurt the baby? How will I react to that?
And the other part is, will others understand? Will others get why I'm not letting them hold my baby for very long? Will they understand why I'm so irritable and not fun? Will they even like me after seeing me in my post partum state?
I also have to throw in there how amazing my husband was through all of this last time. He never reacted badly to my moodiness, he gave me unwavering reassurance. He was my rock. He did what I told him to do. He took care of me. I knew I could put our baby in his arms and go hide in the bathroom for 10 mins and everything would be fine. He never once told me to get over it. He held me while I sobbed about how horrible the entire world was. I'm not sure I would be here today without him. I told him, only half joking, that he had two babies to care for right now. I really believe I needed almost that level of care to get through it.
I'm so glad I allowed myself to be needy and demanding, I think it helped me greatly. I hated it, I have an independent streak, at least this time I know I REALLY need help. Not enough attention is given to the post partum period. It was hard to walk for a couple weeks. My body didn't feel normal for about 6 months and then only somewhat normal. I really felt I couldn't drive for about 3 weeks. The physical stuff alone is enough to require care for a good month with a normal vaginal birth. I plan on trying to stay in bed for a good week this time, and only go on short trips or do easy chores for the first three weeks. I'm going to try to feel better about doing less, and try to enjoy it.
I fully expect to get PPD again, but I think I'm better prepared this time around. Maybe it will be better.
I've been reading "What am I Thinking?: Having a Baby After Post-Partum Depression." I recommend this book! But it's been making me remember just how bad it was. Firstly let me say that it's a myth that those of us who have PPD want to hurt our babies. We are actually terrified we WILL hurt our babies or our babies will get hurt, but we generally don't hurt them.
It wasn't just hard. I felt like I could NOT do it. I felt like I could not be a mother, ever. And yet here I was STUCK as a mother for the rest of my life. I thought of all the things that could hurt my precious newborn and could not imagine that he would live through the week. Cars would drive by our house and scare me because I was sure they were going to somehow crash into us. I grabbed my husband and asked him over and over to promise me we would never hurt him. I also told my husband that I COULDN'T DO THIS.
I wanted to die, I wanted to die so badly, but I loved my baby so much and I realised how much he depended on me, how bad his life would be without me, how big of a loss I would be to him and I felt trapped. Trapped on Earth, so much wanting to leave but so much unable to ever leave it because I knew I could never do that to my child.
I never had love hurt that badly. And I wondered if I would ever feel happy again, or if now that I was a mother, I was ruined forever, always to feel depressed and anxious, never getting relief until the day I died. I couldn't handle anyone talking the slightest bit negatively about any baby or child or any stories about childhood that were anything but 100% awesome. Because anything less than perfect terrified me. My brain took it to the next level. The mention of me being put in an infant seat on a table made me see babies falling to their deaths from tables. The thought of any baby getting hurt was too much for me to handle. Don't those mothers feel what I feel? I thought. Why would anyone not protect their baby 100%?! I couldn't handle it. I became the most judgemental person in the world. I loved my baby too much if anything, how could others abandon or hurt theirs?
I also couldn't make simple decisions. I told my husband to bring me food. I could not decide on which food to eat. What to pack in the diaper bag seemed excruciatingly hard to figure out. I had panic attacks over being out of the house without the right stuff.
But I had to get out of the house, I was going insane staying in my house. I needed to see the great outdoors, even though they frightened me. So I went out and cried. I cried at a baby shower, I cried at Target, I cried in the car a lot. I couldn't not respond to my infant, we pulled the car over once to nurse him because I was freaking out and couldn't handle him having to wait 5 mins. I was ultra responsive. I couldn't understand how anyone could leave their baby to cry for even 10 seconds. I couldn't be out of sight of him either without crying. And I couldn't sleep without him being right next to me (this lasted for the whole year actually). I couldn't imagine being able to handle a cold or mastitis or an ear infection. It was hard enough with a happy, healthy baby, how would I ever cope if he got sick?
I had a deep primal need to be with him and care for him, something I think was actually a very good thing. And I'm glad I gave in to the instinct. I think the reason we did so well overall is that I was holding him all the time and nursing all the time, he was very well cared for, he thrived, even though his mom was not. I also say that he was a pretty easy baby those first couple months, I never wasn't able to calm him for the most part (except for the over-active let down I had to deal with).
Breastfeeding was a great comfort for me. It calmed me down, it released great hormones, it was almost as good as an anti-anxiety med. I had a strong reaction to it in the first couple weeks, it was hard to stay awake while nursing.
It slowly got better. The hormones slowly got back into place. I ended up with worse PMS then I had before, maybe a relic to the post partum period.
So will it be better this time? I have hope it will. For one, I know I can get through it. I also know what to expect. I know that I possibly won't feel like myself for about a year. There are less unknowns this time. I quit my job at 5 months post partum last time, I think partially because I was having PPD. Interviewing while post partum felt so strange. This time I have every intention of staying with the job I have now, which is part time. I also had a really hard time calling anyone last time, and was very sad no one called me (I actually thought it showed what a horrible person and friend I was). This time I'm going to try my best to call people when I need them.
But I also will have two kids this time. And this baby could be more fussy. This baby could be ill more. Something outside of my control could be worse. And my two year old is who I worry about the most. How will he handle a mom who cries randomly? Will I scare him? Will I be unable to meet his needs? Will I even be able to supervise him properly? Will he try to hurt the baby? How will I react to that?
And the other part is, will others understand? Will others get why I'm not letting them hold my baby for very long? Will they understand why I'm so irritable and not fun? Will they even like me after seeing me in my post partum state?
I also have to throw in there how amazing my husband was through all of this last time. He never reacted badly to my moodiness, he gave me unwavering reassurance. He was my rock. He did what I told him to do. He took care of me. I knew I could put our baby in his arms and go hide in the bathroom for 10 mins and everything would be fine. He never once told me to get over it. He held me while I sobbed about how horrible the entire world was. I'm not sure I would be here today without him. I told him, only half joking, that he had two babies to care for right now. I really believe I needed almost that level of care to get through it.
I'm so glad I allowed myself to be needy and demanding, I think it helped me greatly. I hated it, I have an independent streak, at least this time I know I REALLY need help. Not enough attention is given to the post partum period. It was hard to walk for a couple weeks. My body didn't feel normal for about 6 months and then only somewhat normal. I really felt I couldn't drive for about 3 weeks. The physical stuff alone is enough to require care for a good month with a normal vaginal birth. I plan on trying to stay in bed for a good week this time, and only go on short trips or do easy chores for the first three weeks. I'm going to try to feel better about doing less, and try to enjoy it.
I fully expect to get PPD again, but I think I'm better prepared this time around. Maybe it will be better.
Wednesday, December 4, 2013
More on Potty Training
I failed. I failed to potty train my kid by 2.5 years. I'm OK with that. There are no guarantees in life. Some people don't even try with boys until 3 years and I didn't want to do that, so I started early. Not too early in my view. But it didn't work out. He got pretty far and then it stalled.
Then I got pregnant. Willingly and planned!
The transition for him was a lot. I weaned him, I moved him to his own bed in his own room. I started a more firm bedtime. All of these were good things that I needed to do, but it disrupted potty learning. Not a little. A LOT. To the point of nothingness. Not a few more accidents; getting nothing in the potty for days. When you reach that point, of course, you go back to diapers full time and take a goddamn break. And if you are pregnant and me, you cry about it and feel like a failure. And then you move on.
And then he got better, on our trip to Arizona it picked back up again. We peed him in to tons of public toilets, it was great. And we kept it up when we got home. He wasn't potty trained, but we were getting stuff in the potty with hopes it would keep up.
Then his language skills took off suddenly. Like one day he was barely talking and the next he was talking a bunch and it grew and grew. And he also started completely refusing the potty again. So we stopped asking and now I was in my 3rd trimester of pregnancy. I started to feel like he was really ready, like ready for completion sometime in November, but I didn't know whether to do it or to wait. I wanted to do another intense potty training where we watch him for like 3 days and get him to the potty and make our expectations clear. But I didn't know if I was capable of doing that physically and mentally during the end of my pregnancy. But then I was also wondering if I'd be capable of doing it after I had a baby.
Then slowly he started hating the diaper, screaming about having to wear a diaper. Shit. This is a fair sign that one is ready to be potty training as he was almost literally telling me he didn't want to wear diapers anymore. I had to make a decision.
So today when he refused a diaper, I left it off and let him go bottomless and when he started peeing I moved him to the potty and he peed in the potty, twice. And he pooped while standing on a chair, but I moved him to the potty after and he sat on it for a while and peed a little. OK kid, you win, we are potty training now, at 34 weeks of pregnancy.
I think, at the very least, this time my expectations will be low. I don't think I will freak out if it doesn't fully click with him because I have too much other stuff on my mind.
So did I start too early initially? I don't know. I think he learned a lot from it, but it didn't lead to completion. I do think I have a later bloomer on my hands for some of this stuff. But at the same time the historical evidence is that most kids were out of diapers around age two 50 years ago. So it is possible. And I really, REALLY, do not think it is harmful as babies around the world are often not in diapers much past a year, or even 6 months (they use elimination communication). Coercion and punishment is harmful, not potty learning. And luckily I was used to people thinking I was crazy for doing some weird parenting thing that "no one else does."
I also think there is an accumulative effect. I think doing EC and attempting an earlier potty training helped him over all with awareness. And still no diaper rash! And I know we saved on some diapers. Plus I learned to not freak out so much about potty training; by freaking out about potty training. I think with my next kid I will be more calm. I'm sure I am partly to blame for his lack of potty ability, mostly the getting pregnant with his sister thing. But I also strongly believe that it doesn't really matter who or what is to blame for anything, things happen.
I also like that we didn't fully give up, even when we took breaks, we restarted when we saw the opportunity and chugged right along without shame or coercion or bribes or rewards. I tried a bribe once and my kid was so not into it at all. That's the flip side of bribes, it puts the control into the child's hands. We really tried to simply set the expectation that pee and poop go in the potty, just like we have an expectation that he doesn't climb the window sills or tables. It doesn't mean he won't screw up, but it means we clearly tell him he must get down. We tried to give him no choice. And we did have some success, we must not forget the success we had.
And I still really love Oh Crap Potty Training! I will still use that method for the most part, I'm just not fully embracing it while this pregnant, but I am totally using the overall philosophy.
Even if it takes another 6-12 months until he has reached completion at least I know I didn't give up or put it off for no good reason. And I think I can finally be more relaxed about it and maybe that will help a bit. I still think waiting for the classic readiness signs can lead you to a kid who is in diapers at age four or five. Now that we are buying disposables, holy crap they are expensive, in someways we don't have the luxury of waiting for a long time. It's like a phone bill every month that we don't need.
Also, he's only 30 months! We've got time before the majority of this country will think it is weird he's in diapers. He peed in a potty for the first time on cue at 4 months, so that's pretty darn neat.
Then I got pregnant. Willingly and planned!
The transition for him was a lot. I weaned him, I moved him to his own bed in his own room. I started a more firm bedtime. All of these were good things that I needed to do, but it disrupted potty learning. Not a little. A LOT. To the point of nothingness. Not a few more accidents; getting nothing in the potty for days. When you reach that point, of course, you go back to diapers full time and take a goddamn break. And if you are pregnant and me, you cry about it and feel like a failure. And then you move on.
And then he got better, on our trip to Arizona it picked back up again. We peed him in to tons of public toilets, it was great. And we kept it up when we got home. He wasn't potty trained, but we were getting stuff in the potty with hopes it would keep up.
Then his language skills took off suddenly. Like one day he was barely talking and the next he was talking a bunch and it grew and grew. And he also started completely refusing the potty again. So we stopped asking and now I was in my 3rd trimester of pregnancy. I started to feel like he was really ready, like ready for completion sometime in November, but I didn't know whether to do it or to wait. I wanted to do another intense potty training where we watch him for like 3 days and get him to the potty and make our expectations clear. But I didn't know if I was capable of doing that physically and mentally during the end of my pregnancy. But then I was also wondering if I'd be capable of doing it after I had a baby.
Then slowly he started hating the diaper, screaming about having to wear a diaper. Shit. This is a fair sign that one is ready to be potty training as he was almost literally telling me he didn't want to wear diapers anymore. I had to make a decision.
So today when he refused a diaper, I left it off and let him go bottomless and when he started peeing I moved him to the potty and he peed in the potty, twice. And he pooped while standing on a chair, but I moved him to the potty after and he sat on it for a while and peed a little. OK kid, you win, we are potty training now, at 34 weeks of pregnancy.
I think, at the very least, this time my expectations will be low. I don't think I will freak out if it doesn't fully click with him because I have too much other stuff on my mind.
So did I start too early initially? I don't know. I think he learned a lot from it, but it didn't lead to completion. I do think I have a later bloomer on my hands for some of this stuff. But at the same time the historical evidence is that most kids were out of diapers around age two 50 years ago. So it is possible. And I really, REALLY, do not think it is harmful as babies around the world are often not in diapers much past a year, or even 6 months (they use elimination communication). Coercion and punishment is harmful, not potty learning. And luckily I was used to people thinking I was crazy for doing some weird parenting thing that "no one else does."
I also think there is an accumulative effect. I think doing EC and attempting an earlier potty training helped him over all with awareness. And still no diaper rash! And I know we saved on some diapers. Plus I learned to not freak out so much about potty training; by freaking out about potty training. I think with my next kid I will be more calm. I'm sure I am partly to blame for his lack of potty ability, mostly the getting pregnant with his sister thing. But I also strongly believe that it doesn't really matter who or what is to blame for anything, things happen.
I also like that we didn't fully give up, even when we took breaks, we restarted when we saw the opportunity and chugged right along without shame or coercion or bribes or rewards. I tried a bribe once and my kid was so not into it at all. That's the flip side of bribes, it puts the control into the child's hands. We really tried to simply set the expectation that pee and poop go in the potty, just like we have an expectation that he doesn't climb the window sills or tables. It doesn't mean he won't screw up, but it means we clearly tell him he must get down. We tried to give him no choice. And we did have some success, we must not forget the success we had.
And I still really love Oh Crap Potty Training! I will still use that method for the most part, I'm just not fully embracing it while this pregnant, but I am totally using the overall philosophy.
Even if it takes another 6-12 months until he has reached completion at least I know I didn't give up or put it off for no good reason. And I think I can finally be more relaxed about it and maybe that will help a bit. I still think waiting for the classic readiness signs can lead you to a kid who is in diapers at age four or five. Now that we are buying disposables, holy crap they are expensive, in someways we don't have the luxury of waiting for a long time. It's like a phone bill every month that we don't need.
Also, he's only 30 months! We've got time before the majority of this country will think it is weird he's in diapers. He peed in a potty for the first time on cue at 4 months, so that's pretty darn neat.
Saturday, September 28, 2013
Stop Telling Us to Enjoy It.
Some of us hate being pregnant. For me it's the lack of control over my body, the loss of my body. I also seem to get pretty much every symptom to a certain extent. If you don't know, pregnancy affects every organ in your body pretty much. And I feel it. I try to remember that this is probably because I am in tune with my body.
My symptoms aren't severe, and so far I've had about 1.6 pregnancies without any complication. I would be a wreak if something were to come up. I'm not good with medical things to begin with, then to have your baby's life be in the hands of it, of some pregnancy illness taking you over, I know I would go insane for a bit before any coping skills would get clicked on.
I couldn't sleep tonight because of all over itchy skin, which is a fairly common thing to happen to us pregnant women. I also have a bit of an exacerbation of my slight manic symptoms I get sometimes. Though I don't believe I have a diagnosable disorder, nor does it interfere badly with my life, but sometimes sleep doesn't come and I feel great staying up a long long time. Long as in 20 hours, not 72 or anything nuts like that. Like I said, mild.
And soon there will be less of me and more of the pregnancy. I'm not one to see myself as getting fat, I see myself as being taken over by a blob of pregnant that grows until it explodes out of me.
And most migraine sufferers seen an improvement in their migraines, I see an incredible increase in headaches during the middle bit of pregnancy. Luckily it's not the entire way through, but they were bad enough that I took narcotics (and a couple other meds too), to varying degrees of success, and prayed for a study showing Immitrex was safe. But no, apparently Immitrex is not safe.
I was actually feeling pretty good about my pregnancy the last couple weeks, until tonight, with the itching and sleeplessness. If one thing goes away, another will crop up. There are good little moments here and there, even a good week will creep in, nothing is black and white, but over all we see pregnancy as a big pain.
Oh and did I mention I gain much more weight than the "recommended weight gain?" According to the recommendations I could stop gaining weight now. That's not going to happen. I'm lucky that for both pregnancies I had care providers that weren't so stuck on the weight issue. Luckily I lost it all post partum and then some more.
So, yeah, we women who hate pregnancy do *try* to enjoy it. We do, we want to, but pregnancy lets us down. And yes, we realize that after the baby comes we'll have a whole new set of problems. And I think most of us who really hate it, would welcome any change.
I had a terrible post partum time with my first child, felt really depressed, incredibly anxious, and could barely make the simplest decision. But the one thing I kept thinking was, "at least I'm not pregnant!" I held on to that. It was a reminder of how far I had come, how there is no way in the world I would have put him back in again. I loved getting my body back and free from pregnancy so much that it over shadowed the horrible post partum hormones.
And I could also hand the baby to my husband, which I could not do while pregnant.
Some of us do not enjoy it while it lasts, some of us don't wish we had cherished the moments we had while pregnant. Some of us just coped with it and were glad when it was finally all over. Some of us felt like we had contracted some horrible alien virus that changed everything about us for 9 months and we just wanted to feel like ourselves again.
When some of us say we hate pregnancy, we really mean it, don't tell us to enjoy it. Don't try to claim it's harder after baby comes. It's different after baby comes. For some of us giving up our bodies is actually a really huge deal, and we don't enjoy most of it. And for some women, they are on bed rest for months, or are puking through the whole pregnancy, or live in on-going fear of premature labor or some other complication. Some women have MUCH harder pregnancies than I.
"It sucks, and it will end someday," is a better line. But don't tell me how to feel about it. Amidst all my depression and anxiety there was intense joy, the deepest joy I had even felt in my life. Joy I never felt while pregnant. The rush of happy hormones after birth was one of the greatest experiences I have ever had. And breastfeeding ended up being the most amazing, reward-filled accomplishment of my life to date. And becoming a mom changed me for the better, it took a while, but I'm a better person for it. This is why I put up with both pregnancies. They are a necessary evil for me. And that's OK!
My symptoms aren't severe, and so far I've had about 1.6 pregnancies without any complication. I would be a wreak if something were to come up. I'm not good with medical things to begin with, then to have your baby's life be in the hands of it, of some pregnancy illness taking you over, I know I would go insane for a bit before any coping skills would get clicked on.
I couldn't sleep tonight because of all over itchy skin, which is a fairly common thing to happen to us pregnant women. I also have a bit of an exacerbation of my slight manic symptoms I get sometimes. Though I don't believe I have a diagnosable disorder, nor does it interfere badly with my life, but sometimes sleep doesn't come and I feel great staying up a long long time. Long as in 20 hours, not 72 or anything nuts like that. Like I said, mild.
And soon there will be less of me and more of the pregnancy. I'm not one to see myself as getting fat, I see myself as being taken over by a blob of pregnant that grows until it explodes out of me.
And most migraine sufferers seen an improvement in their migraines, I see an incredible increase in headaches during the middle bit of pregnancy. Luckily it's not the entire way through, but they were bad enough that I took narcotics (and a couple other meds too), to varying degrees of success, and prayed for a study showing Immitrex was safe. But no, apparently Immitrex is not safe.
I was actually feeling pretty good about my pregnancy the last couple weeks, until tonight, with the itching and sleeplessness. If one thing goes away, another will crop up. There are good little moments here and there, even a good week will creep in, nothing is black and white, but over all we see pregnancy as a big pain.
Oh and did I mention I gain much more weight than the "recommended weight gain?" According to the recommendations I could stop gaining weight now. That's not going to happen. I'm lucky that for both pregnancies I had care providers that weren't so stuck on the weight issue. Luckily I lost it all post partum and then some more.
So, yeah, we women who hate pregnancy do *try* to enjoy it. We do, we want to, but pregnancy lets us down. And yes, we realize that after the baby comes we'll have a whole new set of problems. And I think most of us who really hate it, would welcome any change.
I had a terrible post partum time with my first child, felt really depressed, incredibly anxious, and could barely make the simplest decision. But the one thing I kept thinking was, "at least I'm not pregnant!" I held on to that. It was a reminder of how far I had come, how there is no way in the world I would have put him back in again. I loved getting my body back and free from pregnancy so much that it over shadowed the horrible post partum hormones.
And I could also hand the baby to my husband, which I could not do while pregnant.
Some of us do not enjoy it while it lasts, some of us don't wish we had cherished the moments we had while pregnant. Some of us just coped with it and were glad when it was finally all over. Some of us felt like we had contracted some horrible alien virus that changed everything about us for 9 months and we just wanted to feel like ourselves again.
When some of us say we hate pregnancy, we really mean it, don't tell us to enjoy it. Don't try to claim it's harder after baby comes. It's different after baby comes. For some of us giving up our bodies is actually a really huge deal, and we don't enjoy most of it. And for some women, they are on bed rest for months, or are puking through the whole pregnancy, or live in on-going fear of premature labor or some other complication. Some women have MUCH harder pregnancies than I.
"It sucks, and it will end someday," is a better line. But don't tell me how to feel about it. Amidst all my depression and anxiety there was intense joy, the deepest joy I had even felt in my life. Joy I never felt while pregnant. The rush of happy hormones after birth was one of the greatest experiences I have ever had. And breastfeeding ended up being the most amazing, reward-filled accomplishment of my life to date. And becoming a mom changed me for the better, it took a while, but I'm a better person for it. This is why I put up with both pregnancies. They are a necessary evil for me. And that's OK!
Sunday, September 22, 2013
Why Not Just Go to the Hospital?
OK. I have to answer this question, because it seems to be asked of me in various ways now that I am planning a home birth.
I've been there too. I have not always been a home birth lover. But my dislike for home birth came from a place of not knowing much about birth in general. Birth is portrayed as scary, painful, and dangerous in this society. So, yeah, I guess, why wouldn't you want to be around a team of medical experts who could save your life or your baby's life? It seems so simple.
Except that birth isn't as dangerous as it's made out to be. It's true that half of all women used to die in childbirth, but that's over the course of their whole lives. And back in the day women were having like 10 kids (no birth control/different cultural norms/expectations/needs). So maybe 1in 20 births (OMG don't quote me on this stat, it's a guess), before medical advancements and the knowledge of microbes and bacteria, ended in the death of the woman. That sucks, but let's not act like it was 1 in 2.
The other thing I had no idea about was what home birth was really like. When I was pregnant with my first child, I knew ONE person who had ever given birth at home and talked about it openly with me, and I didn't know this person very well. And she doesn't even live in Minnesota, so it's not like I could have used her midwife. I'm guessing many of you know ONE person who is planning a home birth and that's it (me!), or maybe some distant relative or friend of a friend had one. I think only about 1% of babies are born at home in the US.
So, if this is basically your only knowledge of home births (that almost no one does it and it seems dangerous), I'm going to ask you to admit that you actually don't know much about home birthing. It's OK, I didn't know shit about it either until after I had already given birth in a hospital and was determined to go a different route.
So, if you don't know much about it, have never witnessed it, have never interviewed a home birth midwife, have never read a book about it, please try not to be afraid of it. Especially when it's not even you who is currently 5 months pregnant.
I think I can safely say that 99.9% of women who choose to give birth at home are not doing it DESPITE the danger; they are doing it because they feel it is SAFER. Mind blown, right?
It's isn't safe for everyone. But a good midwife will tell you when you are not appropriate and will refer you to an OB when you need one. I'm sure there are bad midwives out there, but all the midwives I interviewed made it clear that they were not about "home birth or nothing." They are trained professionals that monitor your birth and can tell you if they think you should transfer to a hospital. They also all stated clearly (because I asked them) that they all bring oxygen with them, drugs to stop hemorrhaging, and are trained in neonatal resuscitation. Midwives actually can deal with some emergencies, and if they can't, they call 911. I hear a good midwife shows up with about 4 big bags of medical equipment that they hopefully don't even need to use. They will have a Doppler for intermittent monitoring. They will have a blood pressure cuff. Their biggest priority will be my and the baby's health and well being, that's why I am hiring them in the first place. They know what normal birth looks like so well, that they will be able to spot when it is not normal and let me know. If they couldn't do this, I'd be better off birthing alone, really.
Having a home birth is not at all like having a baby during the middle ages. I promise you I am in good hands with experienced midwives. Plus I'm a second time vaginal-birth mom who is low risk, this makes it even safer for me.
But, still, why not just go to the hospital like everyone else? Just in case??
Everyone who chooses a home birth will have a different answer to this, so I can only give mine.
Short answer: Did that the first time and I do not care to repeat it.
Long answer: Even for my first birth I didn't really end up needing anything the hospital provided. I ended up on continuous fetal monitoring, but I don't really believe it was necessary. Outside of that.... I needed one row of stitches (which a home birth midwife can do)... and... and.... that's it. Nothing else that the hospital could have provided me did I end up needing. It's cost my insurance probably $12k and me about $3k and what did I get? Peace of mind? Some people do feel at peace when surrounded by *medicine* but I really didn't. I thought I would, and I didn't. I chose a hospital birth for that very peace of mind you are probably wondering about, and I didn't get it.
So what did you get?!
First of all, I was planning a water birth. And because hospitals are full of regulations they had MANY rules about who got to go in the tub and when. I was passing those rules with flying colors. But the one rule I was missing out on is that my hospital required me to be at 5cm dilation before entering the tub. Which meant I agreed to several cervical checks. I had a drug-free birth and I can say that the worst part of it was the cervical checks. The cervix is frigging sensitive and a nurse has to jam their fingers into it to check dilation. I screamed through every one, but I wanted in the tub. This will not happen at a home birth, I will not have this arbitrary regulation to labor under.
My water ended up breaking at 4cm and it was full of meconium, so I wasn't allowed in the tub at all. I've done some research and asked some experts on meconium and I personally think they over-reacted, though it could have been much worse. Something like 20-30% of births have meconium-stained amniotic fluid, and a small percentage of infants will inhale it, and a small percentage of those will get sick from it, and a small percentage of those will die. It happens, but rarely. I had maybe like a 1 in a few thousand chance of my baby dieing from this. It also appears that these infants inhale it while in the womb, NOT during birth. So actually limiting the tub and changing how the birth happens is not going to change the out come. If there is meconium, it seems, what is done is done, and probably everything is fine.
So luckily my infant was totally fine, the *thick* meconium didn't bother him at all and he was placed on my chest immediately after birth and we were breastfeeding in minutes. All in all, a pretty good hospital birth from the horror stories I have read, no drugs, no augmentation, no cutting, little interference, immediate skin-on-skin contact. I'm not going to deny that my birth was a success, but it could have been better, it could have involved a tub of water and no cervical checks. If you want a hospital birth I can say the HCMC midwives are pretty good.
Then enter the post partum period. You would think I was asking my kid to be injected with polio at the crap I got for choosing to delay the Hep B vaccine (Hep B is RARELY spread to children, and I didn't want a vaccine given right at birth). I got crap for refusing the eye antibiotic ointment, which only prevents blindness if I have chlamydia or gonorrhea, which they screened me for during pregnancy and I didn't have it. It would have been a worthless use of antibiotics, which shouldn't be used lightly. The nurses were constantly asking to take my baby off to the nursery when I was under the impression that this particular hospital was very big on rooming in. And the bassinet/hospital bed sleeping arrangement was horrid, I barely slept while in the hospital, I got way more sleep when I got home. There were other things like the nurse who told me, "you could just use formula" when I was upset over how much pain I was in. And then there are the horror stories of nurses sneaking babies formula, I know someone who had this happen to them at HCMC about 6 months later. I actually wrote a blog post all about the crap that happened after birth. I could not wait to leave there.
So when all of this is taken as a whole, I just do not feel that a hospital is a safer option for me. I am not choosing a home birth because I really want an awesome birth and I'm willing to risk my health and my baby's health to get it. I'm actually choosing a home birth because I am trying to do what is best for my health and the health of my baby.
If you can try to see it from this perspective, even if you are skeptical, I think it will help ease some of your trepidation about it. I have read stories of women who had a home birth because NONE of the hospitals within several hundred miles of them would help them achieve a VBAC. Certainly in that case you can see that they felt much safer staying home rather than give in to a second or third planned C-section.
Birth is getting a bit better, but some places are seriously lacking in options. We are lucky in the Twin Cities, we have several hospital midwife groups, three birth centers, and numerous home birth midwives. If you are giving birth in this area, look into all your options, I didn't the first time, so I swore I would do it differently next time.
I've been there too. I have not always been a home birth lover. But my dislike for home birth came from a place of not knowing much about birth in general. Birth is portrayed as scary, painful, and dangerous in this society. So, yeah, I guess, why wouldn't you want to be around a team of medical experts who could save your life or your baby's life? It seems so simple.
Except that birth isn't as dangerous as it's made out to be. It's true that half of all women used to die in childbirth, but that's over the course of their whole lives. And back in the day women were having like 10 kids (no birth control/different cultural norms/expectations/needs). So maybe 1in 20 births (OMG don't quote me on this stat, it's a guess), before medical advancements and the knowledge of microbes and bacteria, ended in the death of the woman. That sucks, but let's not act like it was 1 in 2.
The other thing I had no idea about was what home birth was really like. When I was pregnant with my first child, I knew ONE person who had ever given birth at home and talked about it openly with me, and I didn't know this person very well. And she doesn't even live in Minnesota, so it's not like I could have used her midwife. I'm guessing many of you know ONE person who is planning a home birth and that's it (me!), or maybe some distant relative or friend of a friend had one. I think only about 1% of babies are born at home in the US.
So, if this is basically your only knowledge of home births (that almost no one does it and it seems dangerous), I'm going to ask you to admit that you actually don't know much about home birthing. It's OK, I didn't know shit about it either until after I had already given birth in a hospital and was determined to go a different route.
So, if you don't know much about it, have never witnessed it, have never interviewed a home birth midwife, have never read a book about it, please try not to be afraid of it. Especially when it's not even you who is currently 5 months pregnant.
I think I can safely say that 99.9% of women who choose to give birth at home are not doing it DESPITE the danger; they are doing it because they feel it is SAFER. Mind blown, right?
It's isn't safe for everyone. But a good midwife will tell you when you are not appropriate and will refer you to an OB when you need one. I'm sure there are bad midwives out there, but all the midwives I interviewed made it clear that they were not about "home birth or nothing." They are trained professionals that monitor your birth and can tell you if they think you should transfer to a hospital. They also all stated clearly (because I asked them) that they all bring oxygen with them, drugs to stop hemorrhaging, and are trained in neonatal resuscitation. Midwives actually can deal with some emergencies, and if they can't, they call 911. I hear a good midwife shows up with about 4 big bags of medical equipment that they hopefully don't even need to use. They will have a Doppler for intermittent monitoring. They will have a blood pressure cuff. Their biggest priority will be my and the baby's health and well being, that's why I am hiring them in the first place. They know what normal birth looks like so well, that they will be able to spot when it is not normal and let me know. If they couldn't do this, I'd be better off birthing alone, really.
Having a home birth is not at all like having a baby during the middle ages. I promise you I am in good hands with experienced midwives. Plus I'm a second time vaginal-birth mom who is low risk, this makes it even safer for me.
But, still, why not just go to the hospital like everyone else? Just in case??
Everyone who chooses a home birth will have a different answer to this, so I can only give mine.
Short answer: Did that the first time and I do not care to repeat it.
Long answer: Even for my first birth I didn't really end up needing anything the hospital provided. I ended up on continuous fetal monitoring, but I don't really believe it was necessary. Outside of that.... I needed one row of stitches (which a home birth midwife can do)... and... and.... that's it. Nothing else that the hospital could have provided me did I end up needing. It's cost my insurance probably $12k and me about $3k and what did I get? Peace of mind? Some people do feel at peace when surrounded by *medicine* but I really didn't. I thought I would, and I didn't. I chose a hospital birth for that very peace of mind you are probably wondering about, and I didn't get it.
So what did you get?!
First of all, I was planning a water birth. And because hospitals are full of regulations they had MANY rules about who got to go in the tub and when. I was passing those rules with flying colors. But the one rule I was missing out on is that my hospital required me to be at 5cm dilation before entering the tub. Which meant I agreed to several cervical checks. I had a drug-free birth and I can say that the worst part of it was the cervical checks. The cervix is frigging sensitive and a nurse has to jam their fingers into it to check dilation. I screamed through every one, but I wanted in the tub. This will not happen at a home birth, I will not have this arbitrary regulation to labor under.
My water ended up breaking at 4cm and it was full of meconium, so I wasn't allowed in the tub at all. I've done some research and asked some experts on meconium and I personally think they over-reacted, though it could have been much worse. Something like 20-30% of births have meconium-stained amniotic fluid, and a small percentage of infants will inhale it, and a small percentage of those will get sick from it, and a small percentage of those will die. It happens, but rarely. I had maybe like a 1 in a few thousand chance of my baby dieing from this. It also appears that these infants inhale it while in the womb, NOT during birth. So actually limiting the tub and changing how the birth happens is not going to change the out come. If there is meconium, it seems, what is done is done, and probably everything is fine.
So luckily my infant was totally fine, the *thick* meconium didn't bother him at all and he was placed on my chest immediately after birth and we were breastfeeding in minutes. All in all, a pretty good hospital birth from the horror stories I have read, no drugs, no augmentation, no cutting, little interference, immediate skin-on-skin contact. I'm not going to deny that my birth was a success, but it could have been better, it could have involved a tub of water and no cervical checks. If you want a hospital birth I can say the HCMC midwives are pretty good.
Then enter the post partum period. You would think I was asking my kid to be injected with polio at the crap I got for choosing to delay the Hep B vaccine (Hep B is RARELY spread to children, and I didn't want a vaccine given right at birth). I got crap for refusing the eye antibiotic ointment, which only prevents blindness if I have chlamydia or gonorrhea, which they screened me for during pregnancy and I didn't have it. It would have been a worthless use of antibiotics, which shouldn't be used lightly. The nurses were constantly asking to take my baby off to the nursery when I was under the impression that this particular hospital was very big on rooming in. And the bassinet/hospital bed sleeping arrangement was horrid, I barely slept while in the hospital, I got way more sleep when I got home. There were other things like the nurse who told me, "you could just use formula" when I was upset over how much pain I was in. And then there are the horror stories of nurses sneaking babies formula, I know someone who had this happen to them at HCMC about 6 months later. I actually wrote a blog post all about the crap that happened after birth. I could not wait to leave there.
So when all of this is taken as a whole, I just do not feel that a hospital is a safer option for me. I am not choosing a home birth because I really want an awesome birth and I'm willing to risk my health and my baby's health to get it. I'm actually choosing a home birth because I am trying to do what is best for my health and the health of my baby.
If you can try to see it from this perspective, even if you are skeptical, I think it will help ease some of your trepidation about it. I have read stories of women who had a home birth because NONE of the hospitals within several hundred miles of them would help them achieve a VBAC. Certainly in that case you can see that they felt much safer staying home rather than give in to a second or third planned C-section.
Birth is getting a bit better, but some places are seriously lacking in options. We are lucky in the Twin Cities, we have several hospital midwife groups, three birth centers, and numerous home birth midwives. If you are giving birth in this area, look into all your options, I didn't the first time, so I swore I would do it differently next time.
Saturday, September 14, 2013
Skipping the Glucose Screen
My midwives do not routinely do the 1 hour glucose screen for gestational diabetes. I couldn't be happier. I think it was routine at HCMC and I hated pretty much every second of that entire hour plus some. I felt dizzy and gross and couldn't believe what had just done to my body. Then I was sure I would fail it, because I felt like crap, but I passed. I swore I would never drink that crap ever again, which is BRIGHT orange and tastes horrible.
Doing more digging I don't even think I even have any risk factors for gestational diabetes. I'm young, I'm not over-weight, only late-onset type 2 diabetes runs in my family, and only to over-weight members of it. I gained 55 pounds last pregnancy and was totally fine, and I'm gaining slightly less this time around. I'm also starting this pregnancy 7 pound lighter and I beleive with less fat and more muscle mass. Generally I'm a bit healthier than I was last time.
And I also found out that if you fail the 1 hour test, you do a 3 hour test, good god, that sounds awful. The one-hour test isn't even a diagnostic, it's just a screening. And there don't even seem to be very straight-foward guidelines for diagnosing GD anyway. And I can tell you from experience that ultrasounds are total crap at telling you how big your baby is. I was told I was having a ginormous 97th percentile baby! They were wrong.
So, I'm not going to do it. Late pregnancy makes me pretty adverse to sugar anyway. I feel sick easily from it. It's just another part of digestion that is all messed up while pregnant for me. Fatty foods give me heartburn, I crave dairy like crazy, hate meat, and can't eat much sugar if I don't want to regret it.
Just mark this under a long list of things I wish I knew last pregnancy. We're also not checking my urine every single visit, because it turns out that might not be very indicative of anything either. I still need to decide on the GBS test. I will probably do the same prevention method I did last time, get the test, but probably won't do anything much different if it's positive, unless my water breaks well before labor starts.
Doing more digging I don't even think I even have any risk factors for gestational diabetes. I'm young, I'm not over-weight, only late-onset type 2 diabetes runs in my family, and only to over-weight members of it. I gained 55 pounds last pregnancy and was totally fine, and I'm gaining slightly less this time around. I'm also starting this pregnancy 7 pound lighter and I beleive with less fat and more muscle mass. Generally I'm a bit healthier than I was last time.
And I also found out that if you fail the 1 hour test, you do a 3 hour test, good god, that sounds awful. The one-hour test isn't even a diagnostic, it's just a screening. And there don't even seem to be very straight-foward guidelines for diagnosing GD anyway. And I can tell you from experience that ultrasounds are total crap at telling you how big your baby is. I was told I was having a ginormous 97th percentile baby! They were wrong.
So, I'm not going to do it. Late pregnancy makes me pretty adverse to sugar anyway. I feel sick easily from it. It's just another part of digestion that is all messed up while pregnant for me. Fatty foods give me heartburn, I crave dairy like crazy, hate meat, and can't eat much sugar if I don't want to regret it.
Just mark this under a long list of things I wish I knew last pregnancy. We're also not checking my urine every single visit, because it turns out that might not be very indicative of anything either. I still need to decide on the GBS test. I will probably do the same prevention method I did last time, get the test, but probably won't do anything much different if it's positive, unless my water breaks well before labor starts.
Friday, September 6, 2013
Hold on to Your Hat!
I'm going to have TWO kids! Pretty sure the ideal spacing of children is close to 18 years. Mothers should get a 9 month break from motherhood when they are pregnant. You mothers who have 3, 4, 5 kids, how did you do it? Did you do it on purpose? Really?? Really???? ;)
I had a tough few days of a few things going wrong. The weather got hot, the dryer died, the toddler peed and pooped on everything, bedtime took multiple hours... I lost it, I felt like I had somehow failed at life. Fittingly, while crying about failing at life, I missed an appointment that will be annoying to reschedule.
Luckily I have some insight into my problems and a pretty supportive husband. I need to chill the fuck out. I pride myself in being a pretty relaxed mother. I actually worry very little (once I got over the post-partum anxiety). But when I do worry, the worry comes in extreme but short durations where all hope is lost forever.
My kid is not easy to potty train. I have had to conclude that after a good 6 months of attempting it during the supposed "ideal window of opportunity." My husband wasn't easy and I wasn't easy, so this is to be expected. We also did everything we could to try to make it easier on us; we used cloth diapers, we did EC, we did a non-reward-system, matter-of-fact potty training that has worked wonders for other kids. And we can tell he's really trying sometimes. He's just going to be slow getting there. And he does use the potty on his own sometimes. He probably does more than a lot of boys his age. I still say I had the least amount of potty trouble when he was 6 months old.
Our work schedules do not allow us to get on an earlier bedtime schedule and the transition away from naps has been slow and hard. This has been really hard because sometimes my kid is a terror and I know it's because he hasn't gotten enough sleep, then I feel guilty for not geting him enough sleep, which is a losing battle because I actually CAN'T make him sleep. He only is able to nap in the car or in his stroller, that's it. Trust me, I've tried MANY times to make it not this way. It wasn't this way until he got to be about 23 months. Then I weaned him because I'm pregnant and it got even worse. It made me declare that I would ever stop nursing our next kid ever. Then all the studies on sleep and brain power... OMG, talk about a daggar through the heart. But, what can we do? Sleep isn't going to get any easier in about 4 months when we have a newborn.
I've heard that in other cultures they are amazed that the Americans always think that everything needs to be fixed. Apparently sometimes people don't constantly think about trying to FIX IT. There is some kind of acceptance of things not going right. I'm going to try to channel that mentality for a while. Afterall, I CAN'T fix all of my kids' problems, actually I can probably only fix a small percentage of them. Acceptance will go a long way. And I have to say that most of the things I have *tried* do not work. I have noticed a very high failure rate for things I have read about and tried with my own kid. And the things that did work usually took much longer than originally thought. This kid is unique and I really wouldn't want him any other way. Probably most parents feel the same way about their own kid.
So, my life is not going to get any easier for a while. I need to try to enjoy the ride, not worry so much about schedules (my kid has never gravitated toward a set schedule anyway, if anything he resists sameness), and chill the fuck out. Kids aren't built in a day, or even a year, or even 5 years. And I think, overall, we are doing really well. Our son is well attached to us both and very healthy. I have no worries that the same won't be true of our daughter.
So, CHILL OUT MOMMY! You don't hear it a lot from people, but you are doing a fine job, alright?
I had a tough few days of a few things going wrong. The weather got hot, the dryer died, the toddler peed and pooped on everything, bedtime took multiple hours... I lost it, I felt like I had somehow failed at life. Fittingly, while crying about failing at life, I missed an appointment that will be annoying to reschedule.
Luckily I have some insight into my problems and a pretty supportive husband. I need to chill the fuck out. I pride myself in being a pretty relaxed mother. I actually worry very little (once I got over the post-partum anxiety). But when I do worry, the worry comes in extreme but short durations where all hope is lost forever.
My kid is not easy to potty train. I have had to conclude that after a good 6 months of attempting it during the supposed "ideal window of opportunity." My husband wasn't easy and I wasn't easy, so this is to be expected. We also did everything we could to try to make it easier on us; we used cloth diapers, we did EC, we did a non-reward-system, matter-of-fact potty training that has worked wonders for other kids. And we can tell he's really trying sometimes. He's just going to be slow getting there. And he does use the potty on his own sometimes. He probably does more than a lot of boys his age. I still say I had the least amount of potty trouble when he was 6 months old.
Our work schedules do not allow us to get on an earlier bedtime schedule and the transition away from naps has been slow and hard. This has been really hard because sometimes my kid is a terror and I know it's because he hasn't gotten enough sleep, then I feel guilty for not geting him enough sleep, which is a losing battle because I actually CAN'T make him sleep. He only is able to nap in the car or in his stroller, that's it. Trust me, I've tried MANY times to make it not this way. It wasn't this way until he got to be about 23 months. Then I weaned him because I'm pregnant and it got even worse. It made me declare that I would ever stop nursing our next kid ever. Then all the studies on sleep and brain power... OMG, talk about a daggar through the heart. But, what can we do? Sleep isn't going to get any easier in about 4 months when we have a newborn.
I've heard that in other cultures they are amazed that the Americans always think that everything needs to be fixed. Apparently sometimes people don't constantly think about trying to FIX IT. There is some kind of acceptance of things not going right. I'm going to try to channel that mentality for a while. Afterall, I CAN'T fix all of my kids' problems, actually I can probably only fix a small percentage of them. Acceptance will go a long way. And I have to say that most of the things I have *tried* do not work. I have noticed a very high failure rate for things I have read about and tried with my own kid. And the things that did work usually took much longer than originally thought. This kid is unique and I really wouldn't want him any other way. Probably most parents feel the same way about their own kid.
So, my life is not going to get any easier for a while. I need to try to enjoy the ride, not worry so much about schedules (my kid has never gravitated toward a set schedule anyway, if anything he resists sameness), and chill the fuck out. Kids aren't built in a day, or even a year, or even 5 years. And I think, overall, we are doing really well. Our son is well attached to us both and very healthy. I have no worries that the same won't be true of our daughter.
So, CHILL OUT MOMMY! You don't hear it a lot from people, but you are doing a fine job, alright?
Monday, August 5, 2013
Parenting the Child Who Says Less
My kid is still totally on a normal spectrum of verbal skills, but he still rarely combines more than a couple words and mostly prefers to yell out one word that we understand maybe 65% of the time. This of course was not what I was expecting by the time he was two. He's also a kid that only sometimes responds back to a question. He's a thinker, he needs long pauses, he chooses his words carefully. He's like his dad.
It believe it delays everything else. Because I rarely have any idea what is going on in his head. He's hard to read sometimes. I often don't know what he wants or needs because he can't quite tell me it or chooses not to. I can't negotiate with him. It's hard to know if he is even understanding the limits I am setting and enforcing. Does he really know what "not safe" means now? He doesn't say it, he doesn't say anything like, "ok," or really anything when I say stuff like this to him.
In stead he shows understanding in his actions, he seems to kind of get about not going in the street because he doesn't go in the street anymore when we are at the park. He kind of gets the potty because he often goes in the potty when we are home. But dear lord will he ever say, "I need to go potty, mama, help!" He says, "potty," as he runs for the potty, but only if he's bottomless. He says nothing, otherwise, and I haven't had the energy to jump over the pants hurdle yet. And I have a feeling I've now made it incredibly hard on myself for putting it off for so long.
Anyway, I feel stuck, unable to change anything without knowing more about what's going on in his head. And OMG the things you guys post about what your toddler says... My first thought is usually, "my life would probably be less hectic if my kid could say stuff like that to me." For now a lot of it is a mystery. I never got any of those supposed baby signals down, because I swear they weren't there... it was either happy or screaming, there was no subtle differences. The only thing he seemed to need was nursing, that took care of everything, there wasn't anything left that he cared about.
I'm seriously skeptical about these baby cues, because I sure didn't notice much of them. And I work with humans, I pick up on stuff, I'm not unobservant to human behavior. And don't get me started on potty cues... they are super subtle in my kid and I swear mostly not there. We had to do it all on timing, because timing was all we had.
And the thing is I don't think this lack of talking is going to change, I think he will be somewhat of a mystery my whole life. It's a personality trait. It comes from his dad big time. My husband has been sick for days before he actually mentions it. I've slowly gotten better at picking up on his cues, but he'd mostly still not talk about it even if I did notice something off. I've grown to like the mystery though, I always find out something interesting when he does talk.
I think my son will continue to challenge everything I thought I knew. Because a lot of how I wanted to parent was all about open communication and stuff like that. I don't think that's going to work out like I had planned. I don't think my son is actually going to have the conversations I imagine I would have someday with him. He will someday, yes, talk eloquently and intelligently. But I think part of him will always be hidden from me. I don't think he will share so much with me. Even if I am the most warm and open and loving and approachable mom there is. I think this is just who he is. And I kind of need to come to terms with that. He could surprise me. He could come home from his first day of school and tell me all about it, but I think instead he will say, "it was good." Perhaps this all comes from is jovial spirit. He might just have little to complain about and few problems to bring my way. He might just be easy. A late bloomer, but easy in the long run. I'm betting I worry about him very little as a teenager.
It believe it delays everything else. Because I rarely have any idea what is going on in his head. He's hard to read sometimes. I often don't know what he wants or needs because he can't quite tell me it or chooses not to. I can't negotiate with him. It's hard to know if he is even understanding the limits I am setting and enforcing. Does he really know what "not safe" means now? He doesn't say it, he doesn't say anything like, "ok," or really anything when I say stuff like this to him.
In stead he shows understanding in his actions, he seems to kind of get about not going in the street because he doesn't go in the street anymore when we are at the park. He kind of gets the potty because he often goes in the potty when we are home. But dear lord will he ever say, "I need to go potty, mama, help!" He says, "potty," as he runs for the potty, but only if he's bottomless. He says nothing, otherwise, and I haven't had the energy to jump over the pants hurdle yet. And I have a feeling I've now made it incredibly hard on myself for putting it off for so long.
Anyway, I feel stuck, unable to change anything without knowing more about what's going on in his head. And OMG the things you guys post about what your toddler says... My first thought is usually, "my life would probably be less hectic if my kid could say stuff like that to me." For now a lot of it is a mystery. I never got any of those supposed baby signals down, because I swear they weren't there... it was either happy or screaming, there was no subtle differences. The only thing he seemed to need was nursing, that took care of everything, there wasn't anything left that he cared about.
I'm seriously skeptical about these baby cues, because I sure didn't notice much of them. And I work with humans, I pick up on stuff, I'm not unobservant to human behavior. And don't get me started on potty cues... they are super subtle in my kid and I swear mostly not there. We had to do it all on timing, because timing was all we had.
And the thing is I don't think this lack of talking is going to change, I think he will be somewhat of a mystery my whole life. It's a personality trait. It comes from his dad big time. My husband has been sick for days before he actually mentions it. I've slowly gotten better at picking up on his cues, but he'd mostly still not talk about it even if I did notice something off. I've grown to like the mystery though, I always find out something interesting when he does talk.
I think my son will continue to challenge everything I thought I knew. Because a lot of how I wanted to parent was all about open communication and stuff like that. I don't think that's going to work out like I had planned. I don't think my son is actually going to have the conversations I imagine I would have someday with him. He will someday, yes, talk eloquently and intelligently. But I think part of him will always be hidden from me. I don't think he will share so much with me. Even if I am the most warm and open and loving and approachable mom there is. I think this is just who he is. And I kind of need to come to terms with that. He could surprise me. He could come home from his first day of school and tell me all about it, but I think instead he will say, "it was good." Perhaps this all comes from is jovial spirit. He might just have little to complain about and few problems to bring my way. He might just be easy. A late bloomer, but easy in the long run. I'm betting I worry about him very little as a teenager.
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Headaches: Right On Schedule.
I get bad headaches during pregnancy, but only around the fourth month of pregnancy. I got my first migraine at 12 weeks this time, and they've kept coming for the last two weeks. If it's anything like last time, I'll have a few weeks left of this, then the headaches will mysteriously disappear and I'll be almost 100% headache free until birth, then I'll have a mild resurgence, and then by 3-4 months post partum they will disappear again for a long time.
Nothing gets rid of them.
I start with Advil, later add Tylenol, I add caffeine if it isn't too late in the day. I sometimes take more Advil, if it's been long enough, but usually I've given up on pills by that point. I'm stretching my neck, massaging my neck and head, I'm putting cold packs on my head.
I took a nap this morning and it got rid of my headache, but it returned within 20 mins of waking up. My current headache started last night at about 7 pm. It's 3 pm now, and besides the short break from it when I first woke up in the morning and when I woke up from the nap, it's been going steady. I can kind of function. I feel like crap, I've spent a lot of the time laying down. Eventually I have to get up. And I will admit it's not severe, but it's moderate and relentless, and gives me slight nausea and makes me dizzy. It would be hard to go out and enjoy myself.
I've also started to wonder at what point does the amount of Advil and Tylenol and caffeine you consume equivalent to smoking some weed? I've got to have hit the point where marijuana would have been safer, right? I really don't know, and I don't think marijuana has actually been tested much in pregnancy, but I do know it is used for chronic pain, and I've got chronic pain.
If this kid ever asks me why I took pain meds when I was pregnant with them, I'll just have to tell them that the pain was greater and more relentless than my ability to cope with it. Even Tylenol during pregnancy is linked to an increase in allergies. I'm not deluding myself into thinking that anything I'm putting into my body is 100% safe, because nothing is 100% safe.
But I need something or I'm going to be a miserable person and a pretty absent mother for the next month. I've already been a pretty shitacular mother for the last two months due to relentless nausea. And I'm due to creep back in to shitacular land by December and stay there for several months. I'm trying to reduce the shitty time.
Nothing gets rid of them.
I start with Advil, later add Tylenol, I add caffeine if it isn't too late in the day. I sometimes take more Advil, if it's been long enough, but usually I've given up on pills by that point. I'm stretching my neck, massaging my neck and head, I'm putting cold packs on my head.
I took a nap this morning and it got rid of my headache, but it returned within 20 mins of waking up. My current headache started last night at about 7 pm. It's 3 pm now, and besides the short break from it when I first woke up in the morning and when I woke up from the nap, it's been going steady. I can kind of function. I feel like crap, I've spent a lot of the time laying down. Eventually I have to get up. And I will admit it's not severe, but it's moderate and relentless, and gives me slight nausea and makes me dizzy. It would be hard to go out and enjoy myself.
I've also started to wonder at what point does the amount of Advil and Tylenol and caffeine you consume equivalent to smoking some weed? I've got to have hit the point where marijuana would have been safer, right? I really don't know, and I don't think marijuana has actually been tested much in pregnancy, but I do know it is used for chronic pain, and I've got chronic pain.
If this kid ever asks me why I took pain meds when I was pregnant with them, I'll just have to tell them that the pain was greater and more relentless than my ability to cope with it. Even Tylenol during pregnancy is linked to an increase in allergies. I'm not deluding myself into thinking that anything I'm putting into my body is 100% safe, because nothing is 100% safe.
But I need something or I'm going to be a miserable person and a pretty absent mother for the next month. I've already been a pretty shitacular mother for the last two months due to relentless nausea. And I'm due to creep back in to shitacular land by December and stay there for several months. I'm trying to reduce the shitty time.
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
Seriously, screw the first trimester.
I'm 12 weeks pregnant today, which means I'm into my second trimester finally. The nausea is down quite a bit, but not totally gone. I don't notice an energy change, but there is hope. The really bad part should be behind me.
Screw that. Good riddance to that awful 1st trimester. For me it goes something like this:
Week 3-5: Cry a lot and not feel like myself.
Week 6: Start to feel like self again and less cry-y.
Week 6-12: Feel hung over for 6 weeks straight.
Of course, historically, what is next to come is:
Week 13-17: Have month-long migraine.
Then...
Week 18: Start leaking pee.
But NOTHING is more awful that nausea. If my pregnancies were unwanted, week 6 is when I would have ended both of them without any thought. Perhaps the nausea is to make me double check that I want another child.
And nothing gets rid of it completely for me. I even took Zofram. Fuck you Zofram, you barely did anything. Right now I feel 100% convinced that this will be our last kid, no way will I put myself through another pregnancy.
Last pregnancy I never really reached a point of liking the pregnancy. It was always in the way and causing me some kind of problem. I did not bond with my fetus very much at all. I just wanted to get it over with. I was hoping for this time to be different, but so far, not so much.
January can't get here fast enough. Even with how hard last post partum was, at least my body wasn't being invaded by an alien creature controlling every aspect of my body. I had my body back and saw good changes happening to it quickly. Plus I could take a shit load of Advil, no problems.
On a good note, I actually do have less symptoms this time, no heartburn yet, and very little bowel trouble. I do feel dizzy this pregnancy, though, which is kind of annoying, that one is new this time around.
And I know I should be grateful for what appears to be another low-risk, uncomplicated pregnancy. But it's hard to do when you feel like crap for a month and a half.
In a couple weeks I'm seeing a neurologist for what will probably be a "please give me narcs" appointment. But maybe he'll have a prophylactic that will work for migraines too. I got my first migraine with the strange aura yesterday. I only get auras during pregnancy and post partum. And only during the fourth month of pregnancy too, so weird. No one can explain that to me either.
I hate the lack of explanation. With how many people have migraines in this country, you'd think they'd know this stuff.
Screw that. Good riddance to that awful 1st trimester. For me it goes something like this:
Week 3-5: Cry a lot and not feel like myself.
Week 6: Start to feel like self again and less cry-y.
Week 6-12: Feel hung over for 6 weeks straight.
Of course, historically, what is next to come is:
Week 13-17: Have month-long migraine.
Then...
Week 18: Start leaking pee.
But NOTHING is more awful that nausea. If my pregnancies were unwanted, week 6 is when I would have ended both of them without any thought. Perhaps the nausea is to make me double check that I want another child.
And nothing gets rid of it completely for me. I even took Zofram. Fuck you Zofram, you barely did anything. Right now I feel 100% convinced that this will be our last kid, no way will I put myself through another pregnancy.
Last pregnancy I never really reached a point of liking the pregnancy. It was always in the way and causing me some kind of problem. I did not bond with my fetus very much at all. I just wanted to get it over with. I was hoping for this time to be different, but so far, not so much.
January can't get here fast enough. Even with how hard last post partum was, at least my body wasn't being invaded by an alien creature controlling every aspect of my body. I had my body back and saw good changes happening to it quickly. Plus I could take a shit load of Advil, no problems.
On a good note, I actually do have less symptoms this time, no heartburn yet, and very little bowel trouble. I do feel dizzy this pregnancy, though, which is kind of annoying, that one is new this time around.
And I know I should be grateful for what appears to be another low-risk, uncomplicated pregnancy. But it's hard to do when you feel like crap for a month and a half.
In a couple weeks I'm seeing a neurologist for what will probably be a "please give me narcs" appointment. But maybe he'll have a prophylactic that will work for migraines too. I got my first migraine with the strange aura yesterday. I only get auras during pregnancy and post partum. And only during the fourth month of pregnancy too, so weird. No one can explain that to me either.
I hate the lack of explanation. With how many people have migraines in this country, you'd think they'd know this stuff.
Monday, June 3, 2013
Gene Recomination Project Number 2
After Cedric was born I swore to everyone that NOTHING would be growing in my uterus for TWO YEARS MINIMUM.
Well I almost made it, about 5 weeks before Cedric turned two we conceived our second pregnancy, on purpose. Something came over me in late March and I told Brent that I NEEDED another baby, NOW. Luckily we have no trouble conceiving babies. We are two for two in months of trying to conceive. We are blessed, or have impeccable timing. We are also healthy and young(ish?), so that helps too.
So far this pregnancy is better than the firs time around. No heartburn yet, last pregnancy I had tons of heartburn in trimester 1 and 2, and then strangely it let up in trimester 3. Nausea is present, but not 24/7 like it was last time. I actually feel my best in the morning and then if I'm going to feel crappy I'll feel crappiest in the afternoon.
Last time I only felt good when I was eating, so I ate... constantly, and gained about 2 pounds per week the nausea was here. This time, when I'm nauseated, I feel like avoiding everything, nothing sounds good, and unfortunately the only things that end up feeling good to eat so far is ginger ale or strangely, soy protein bars, which are also full of sugar. But when I feel good, I can eat anything, so I'll get those veggies and meat and dairy in. This is temporary, but it sucks, but sucks less than last time, so... yay?
I ran the 5K two days after finding out I was pregnant, it didn't seem to slow me down, I went on a huge hike at 6 weeks pregnant, and then spent week 7 mostly laying around, but I did get exercise today. I feel better if I get out and do something, but the fatigue is so bad, that I have little motivation to get out and do anything, but I'm trying, I plan on keeping my exercise dates up as long as I can, so at least twice a week, I should make it out for a run. I run a lot less though, my body just feels different and way more tired and my legs hurt way more.
I gained about 12 pounds the first 1st trimester I had, so my goal is to gain less than 9 pounds this 1st trimester, cutting my weight gain by 25% would be great. I gained 55 pounds last pregnancy and I sure hope I don't do that again. I'm aiming for 40 pounds or less. Unless we have twins or something crazy like that.
I'm starting this pregnancy about 7 pounds lighter, which is great.
I have zero breast changes, except that they never feel full with milk anymore. I'm guessing the lack of change is because I'm already breastfeeding. They don't hurt and they haven't grown at all, it's miraculous to me, I gained 5 inches in my bust last pregnancy, I thought it sucked. I was already starting with Ds!
Breastfeeding does hurt a little, when he first latches on, but not enough to make me stop yet. And, yes, breastfeeding is safe during pregnancy. I'm ambivalent about nursing all the way through and/or tandem nursing later, I have a feeling my son will decide ultimately. I hear about 2/3 of kids will wean during pregnancy. And I have a sneaking suspicion mine would be one of the 1/3 that keeps on trucking all the way through.
Well I almost made it, about 5 weeks before Cedric turned two we conceived our second pregnancy, on purpose. Something came over me in late March and I told Brent that I NEEDED another baby, NOW. Luckily we have no trouble conceiving babies. We are two for two in months of trying to conceive. We are blessed, or have impeccable timing. We are also healthy and young(ish?), so that helps too.
So far this pregnancy is better than the firs time around. No heartburn yet, last pregnancy I had tons of heartburn in trimester 1 and 2, and then strangely it let up in trimester 3. Nausea is present, but not 24/7 like it was last time. I actually feel my best in the morning and then if I'm going to feel crappy I'll feel crappiest in the afternoon.
Last time I only felt good when I was eating, so I ate... constantly, and gained about 2 pounds per week the nausea was here. This time, when I'm nauseated, I feel like avoiding everything, nothing sounds good, and unfortunately the only things that end up feeling good to eat so far is ginger ale or strangely, soy protein bars, which are also full of sugar. But when I feel good, I can eat anything, so I'll get those veggies and meat and dairy in. This is temporary, but it sucks, but sucks less than last time, so... yay?
I ran the 5K two days after finding out I was pregnant, it didn't seem to slow me down, I went on a huge hike at 6 weeks pregnant, and then spent week 7 mostly laying around, but I did get exercise today. I feel better if I get out and do something, but the fatigue is so bad, that I have little motivation to get out and do anything, but I'm trying, I plan on keeping my exercise dates up as long as I can, so at least twice a week, I should make it out for a run. I run a lot less though, my body just feels different and way more tired and my legs hurt way more.
I gained about 12 pounds the first 1st trimester I had, so my goal is to gain less than 9 pounds this 1st trimester, cutting my weight gain by 25% would be great. I gained 55 pounds last pregnancy and I sure hope I don't do that again. I'm aiming for 40 pounds or less. Unless we have twins or something crazy like that.
I'm starting this pregnancy about 7 pounds lighter, which is great.
I have zero breast changes, except that they never feel full with milk anymore. I'm guessing the lack of change is because I'm already breastfeeding. They don't hurt and they haven't grown at all, it's miraculous to me, I gained 5 inches in my bust last pregnancy, I thought it sucked. I was already starting with Ds!
Breastfeeding does hurt a little, when he first latches on, but not enough to make me stop yet. And, yes, breastfeeding is safe during pregnancy. I'm ambivalent about nursing all the way through and/or tandem nursing later, I have a feeling my son will decide ultimately. I hear about 2/3 of kids will wean during pregnancy. And I have a sneaking suspicion mine would be one of the 1/3 that keeps on trucking all the way through.
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
Breastfeeding goal met!
My little boy turns 2 tomorrow, so it is safe to say that I met my goal of breastfeeding for two years. Also my son shows no signs of slowing down at all.
Someone told me when I was pregnant that nursing a two year old is like twice a day... this is not my reality at all. I constantly have to tell me son that boobies are taking a break or that boobies went to bed. I'm pretty sure he would nurse all day long still if I let him. I'm pretty sure he would give up most solids and be content to continue to live mostly on breast milk for a long time.
It's slowed down a bit and he finally will eat a good amount of solids sometimes. But I'd say most of his calories were still coming from nursing when he was 15 months and then there has been a slow decrease since then.
But, OMG, nurse your toddlers. The reason I have kept it up is because the benefits still well out weigh the negatives. Nursing is an instant cure for pretty much everything. It gets rid of any upset or pain almost immediately. I don't know what you non-nursing mothers of toddlers do. Booby fixes it all in the mind of a toddler. And it's still very relaxing for me. I swear it's the reason my migraines really haven't come back yet.
So I'm really on the fence about stopping. And I know my son's answer is NO. Weaning would be a huge, stressful event for us, and I don't have a good reason to do it yet, so there are no plans. I also had a pretty bad anxiety/depression episode when I simply weaned off the pump at 14 months, so I'm not really looking forward to that.
Plus breast milk is still the top of the top when it comes to good nutrition.
Breastfeeding this second year of life reduced my chance of breast cancer by 50% I believe. So that's just the icing on the cake.
Someone told me when I was pregnant that nursing a two year old is like twice a day... this is not my reality at all. I constantly have to tell me son that boobies are taking a break or that boobies went to bed. I'm pretty sure he would nurse all day long still if I let him. I'm pretty sure he would give up most solids and be content to continue to live mostly on breast milk for a long time.
It's slowed down a bit and he finally will eat a good amount of solids sometimes. But I'd say most of his calories were still coming from nursing when he was 15 months and then there has been a slow decrease since then.
But, OMG, nurse your toddlers. The reason I have kept it up is because the benefits still well out weigh the negatives. Nursing is an instant cure for pretty much everything. It gets rid of any upset or pain almost immediately. I don't know what you non-nursing mothers of toddlers do. Booby fixes it all in the mind of a toddler. And it's still very relaxing for me. I swear it's the reason my migraines really haven't come back yet.
So I'm really on the fence about stopping. And I know my son's answer is NO. Weaning would be a huge, stressful event for us, and I don't have a good reason to do it yet, so there are no plans. I also had a pretty bad anxiety/depression episode when I simply weaned off the pump at 14 months, so I'm not really looking forward to that.
Plus breast milk is still the top of the top when it comes to good nutrition.
Breastfeeding this second year of life reduced my chance of breast cancer by 50% I believe. So that's just the icing on the cake.
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Staying Busy Realising How Messed Up I Am!
This thought has consumed my attention for the last few days.
OK, I know I'm not SUPER messed up... for instance I'm not a psychopath, in fact I'm kind of a nice person, usually. I'm not delusional, nor do I have hallucinations. Generally, I'm with it cognitively and get shit done. I'm not fucking up at work or ignoring my child.
But I made one kind of little mistake that annoyed a few other people and even though I apologized and cleaned up my mistake, I can't get over it. I know I WILL get over it, but it's not happening as quickly as I would like. And it's only stiring up EVERYTHING.
Like, for whatever reason, it's making me question everything about myself and about my life.
Mostly it's bad.
The basic thought process is:
I'm a total weirdo who doesn't fit in anywhere.
If I really believe that, I need to get my mental health figured out.
Oh holy crap, that is going to be hard and long.
Everyone else is the weirdo!
Ok, true, but we have to somehow accept their weirdness, your weirdness, and their lack of accepting your weirdness.
Crap that sounds long and hard!
And I might fail!
But the other thing I've realized is that I DO fit in to a few places. And maybe this incident, where I really feel people over-reacted, is a sign that I don't fit in there and it's time to give it up. I felt super judged and unaccepted. I DO NOT feel this all the time.
I remember that when I found my socialist organization in college I felt like I had found MY people. I even told them that I had found MY people. I didn't like everyone of them, but I had found something I belonged to. I felt like I belonged. It's changed a bit since having a kid, but I still consider myself belonging to it. And they, in turn, accepted me.
Anyway, IT'S BOTH! I need to change and I need to get out and try new things more.
Tonight I went to a buddhist meditation, it was excellent. We're going to check out the Unitarian Church near us in a couple weeks. And I have an Al Anon sponsor now. If you google "children of alcoholics", some link will describe me to a T. And I don't even think my alcoholic family was that terrible. I guess that's why I mostly function alright.
I've come along way, but dammit do I have a long way to go.
One day at a time.
Progress, not perfection.
Two steps forward, one step back.
OK, I know I'm not SUPER messed up... for instance I'm not a psychopath, in fact I'm kind of a nice person, usually. I'm not delusional, nor do I have hallucinations. Generally, I'm with it cognitively and get shit done. I'm not fucking up at work or ignoring my child.
But I made one kind of little mistake that annoyed a few other people and even though I apologized and cleaned up my mistake, I can't get over it. I know I WILL get over it, but it's not happening as quickly as I would like. And it's only stiring up EVERYTHING.
Like, for whatever reason, it's making me question everything about myself and about my life.
Mostly it's bad.
The basic thought process is:
I'm a total weirdo who doesn't fit in anywhere.
If I really believe that, I need to get my mental health figured out.
Oh holy crap, that is going to be hard and long.
Everyone else is the weirdo!
Ok, true, but we have to somehow accept their weirdness, your weirdness, and their lack of accepting your weirdness.
Crap that sounds long and hard!
And I might fail!
But the other thing I've realized is that I DO fit in to a few places. And maybe this incident, where I really feel people over-reacted, is a sign that I don't fit in there and it's time to give it up. I felt super judged and unaccepted. I DO NOT feel this all the time.
I remember that when I found my socialist organization in college I felt like I had found MY people. I even told them that I had found MY people. I didn't like everyone of them, but I had found something I belonged to. I felt like I belonged. It's changed a bit since having a kid, but I still consider myself belonging to it. And they, in turn, accepted me.
Anyway, IT'S BOTH! I need to change and I need to get out and try new things more.
Tonight I went to a buddhist meditation, it was excellent. We're going to check out the Unitarian Church near us in a couple weeks. And I have an Al Anon sponsor now. If you google "children of alcoholics", some link will describe me to a T. And I don't even think my alcoholic family was that terrible. I guess that's why I mostly function alright.
I've come along way, but dammit do I have a long way to go.
One day at a time.
Progress, not perfection.
Two steps forward, one step back.
Saturday, March 30, 2013
Not Easy Finding a Guardian for the Unthinkable
Something one should do when they have kids is figure out what you would want to happen to them if both their parents died. An unlikely event, but one that should definitely be planned for, because the death of both parents is one thing, the death of both parents with no will stating who the intended guardian is, is a whole other shitty situation to dump on top of kids who have already lost their parents.
It is extremely hard to figure this out.
Probably some of you have easy answers to this question, but we didn't. We couldn't come up with anyone. We had a few possibilities in our head, but they didn't pan out. As in, these people ended up having major problems come up in their life, or ended up not being involved in our lives at all since we had our son.
I could easily name several couples I know who have children who I think would make excellent parents to our son if we both died, but these couples just aren't in our lives enough. I don't want my son going to a stranger. Nor do I think these couples would agree to anything like this.
We don't really have family that fits either. I'm an only child and my husband's brother lives in another state. Other family members are either not ready for a kid, or way past the time of having kids. I would not want to have him go to someone in our family who hasn't cared for a young child in a good 20 years.
Most of our close friends just aren't there in their life yet. And I really wanted a stable couple, who had been together for a while, which is hard to find in the world period.
Plus I wanted a couple with similar views. And one I thought could handle an extreme crisis like raising a kid who has just lost their parents. I thought about this a lot. And I ran people over in my head and would eventually eliminate them. I kept coming up blank. I kept starting back over.
Eventually I decided that maybe I hadn't met them yet, that they would appear in my life someday and I would know... That didn't happen either.
And then, just a few days ago, it hit me. And I figured out which couple I would ask. A couple who had shown more interest in us and our kid than almost anyone. One who has been together for several years. One that shares my views. The only thing that would make them better is if they had a kid of their own already, but I can't wait for perfection.
I in no way anticipate us both dying. The chances are slim, but it's a good excuse to have my child form a bond with two other awesome adults, and that I can go for. It's possible things will change down the road and we'll have to find someone else; because things happen; people move, people break up. But for now I feel this inner peace around this issue. I feel like there is finally a plan for the unthinkable.
Also I try not to actually think about this unthinkable because I become very panicky if I do.
Not ready to announce who the Godparents are yet, but I do hope they will be in our lives for years to come. I feel extremely blessed to know these two, and will not mind spending some extra time with them.
It is extremely hard to figure this out.
Probably some of you have easy answers to this question, but we didn't. We couldn't come up with anyone. We had a few possibilities in our head, but they didn't pan out. As in, these people ended up having major problems come up in their life, or ended up not being involved in our lives at all since we had our son.
I could easily name several couples I know who have children who I think would make excellent parents to our son if we both died, but these couples just aren't in our lives enough. I don't want my son going to a stranger. Nor do I think these couples would agree to anything like this.
We don't really have family that fits either. I'm an only child and my husband's brother lives in another state. Other family members are either not ready for a kid, or way past the time of having kids. I would not want to have him go to someone in our family who hasn't cared for a young child in a good 20 years.
Most of our close friends just aren't there in their life yet. And I really wanted a stable couple, who had been together for a while, which is hard to find in the world period.
Plus I wanted a couple with similar views. And one I thought could handle an extreme crisis like raising a kid who has just lost their parents. I thought about this a lot. And I ran people over in my head and would eventually eliminate them. I kept coming up blank. I kept starting back over.
Eventually I decided that maybe I hadn't met them yet, that they would appear in my life someday and I would know... That didn't happen either.
And then, just a few days ago, it hit me. And I figured out which couple I would ask. A couple who had shown more interest in us and our kid than almost anyone. One who has been together for several years. One that shares my views. The only thing that would make them better is if they had a kid of their own already, but I can't wait for perfection.
I in no way anticipate us both dying. The chances are slim, but it's a good excuse to have my child form a bond with two other awesome adults, and that I can go for. It's possible things will change down the road and we'll have to find someone else; because things happen; people move, people break up. But for now I feel this inner peace around this issue. I feel like there is finally a plan for the unthinkable.
Also I try not to actually think about this unthinkable because I become very panicky if I do.
Not ready to announce who the Godparents are yet, but I do hope they will be in our lives for years to come. I feel extremely blessed to know these two, and will not mind spending some extra time with them.
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Potty Training is Tough
We are in the midst of potty training out 20 month old son. I know at least 75% of you are like, "omg! 20 months, way too young!"
Let me explain my journey and it will make more sense.
We started out doing Elimination Communication when he was 4 months old and it went really well, by 6 months of age I was reliably peeing him through the night, meaning we did zero night time diaper changes and he was dry in the morning. Around 9 months of age about 90% of the time he didn't pee all night and that has increased to pretty much 100% percent of the nights by now. He also hasn't peed during naps since his newborn days. I think some of this was him, but I think a huge part of it was that he changed his diaper as soon as it was wet and were very clued in to when he was peeing and pooping and were able to notice stuff like this. He also was down to pooing once a day by 12 months of age.
But also around this time (10-12 months) he started fighting me with the potty. He would arch his back and cry and basically refuse to use it. We went from catching several pees a day to catching 1 pee a week, on a good week. I started reading a lot about EC and a lot about potty training, particularly early potty training. Around 14 months old, he learned to walk well and finally we were consistently catching the morning and after nap pees. I thought we had turned a corner and could keep increasing the EC and just go with that, but it all went wrong.
He became increasingly frustrated when I brought him to the potty in the morning. I KNEW he had to go, after all he hadn't peed in a good 10 hours every morning. But my kid did NOT want to sit on the potty to pee. Crap. Crapcrapcrap!
So I gave up completely, I think it was when he was about 16 months, after about 6 months of not seeing anything really good come of EC, I gave it up completely. But not without reading about potty training. Because I knew what we were going to do was going to look more like potty training than EC. After 18 months, EC is really out and potty training is in. At least don't try to START EC after 18 months, is what the experts were saying.
What I've been reading is that you really have to believe that your child is capable, not ready. They talk way too much about readiness and less about capability.
My son is dry through his nap, dry through the night, poops once a day, understands many things, language is increasing, he knows where things belong... Doggonit! He can do this. We even thought about starting at 18 or 19 months, but put it off until I had two weeks that were pretty open. Which corresponded with a start date of Monday, February 18.
We are doing it without power struggles, without rewards, without threats or punishments. We see this as a kind of HUGE thing he has to learn that will take time. But we see it as a thing he is able to learn at this moment. From reading many stories I'm not convinced this will be easier if we wait. This has to be done. We might as well do it now. And yes, we might end up calling it off and re-diapering him for a month or so and doing it all again. But not on Day 4. I feel like we need to give it these 2 weeks we have, which end with my 30th birthday, and if on March 3rd I am a mess, and Cedric is a mess, and we just aren't seeing the progress, then we will stop, and restart in April sometime.
I'm already wishing we had done this after the snow had melted, but oh well, next kid. This is why we have two of them, right?
Let me explain my journey and it will make more sense.
We started out doing Elimination Communication when he was 4 months old and it went really well, by 6 months of age I was reliably peeing him through the night, meaning we did zero night time diaper changes and he was dry in the morning. Around 9 months of age about 90% of the time he didn't pee all night and that has increased to pretty much 100% percent of the nights by now. He also hasn't peed during naps since his newborn days. I think some of this was him, but I think a huge part of it was that he changed his diaper as soon as it was wet and were very clued in to when he was peeing and pooping and were able to notice stuff like this. He also was down to pooing once a day by 12 months of age.
But also around this time (10-12 months) he started fighting me with the potty. He would arch his back and cry and basically refuse to use it. We went from catching several pees a day to catching 1 pee a week, on a good week. I started reading a lot about EC and a lot about potty training, particularly early potty training. Around 14 months old, he learned to walk well and finally we were consistently catching the morning and after nap pees. I thought we had turned a corner and could keep increasing the EC and just go with that, but it all went wrong.
He became increasingly frustrated when I brought him to the potty in the morning. I KNEW he had to go, after all he hadn't peed in a good 10 hours every morning. But my kid did NOT want to sit on the potty to pee. Crap. Crapcrapcrap!
So I gave up completely, I think it was when he was about 16 months, after about 6 months of not seeing anything really good come of EC, I gave it up completely. But not without reading about potty training. Because I knew what we were going to do was going to look more like potty training than EC. After 18 months, EC is really out and potty training is in. At least don't try to START EC after 18 months, is what the experts were saying.
What I've been reading is that you really have to believe that your child is capable, not ready. They talk way too much about readiness and less about capability.
My son is dry through his nap, dry through the night, poops once a day, understands many things, language is increasing, he knows where things belong... Doggonit! He can do this. We even thought about starting at 18 or 19 months, but put it off until I had two weeks that were pretty open. Which corresponded with a start date of Monday, February 18.
We are doing it without power struggles, without rewards, without threats or punishments. We see this as a kind of HUGE thing he has to learn that will take time. But we see it as a thing he is able to learn at this moment. From reading many stories I'm not convinced this will be easier if we wait. This has to be done. We might as well do it now. And yes, we might end up calling it off and re-diapering him for a month or so and doing it all again. But not on Day 4. I feel like we need to give it these 2 weeks we have, which end with my 30th birthday, and if on March 3rd I am a mess, and Cedric is a mess, and we just aren't seeing the progress, then we will stop, and restart in April sometime.
I'm already wishing we had done this after the snow had melted, but oh well, next kid. This is why we have two of them, right?
Sunday, January 13, 2013
My Favorite Parenting Books and Resouces, Enjoy!
Some of you have stated that I seem like a great mother (aww... seriously, that makes me want to cry), and even some of you have said you'd like to get advice from me when you have kids. I'm so, so, not the expert, I'm a kind of broken woman trying to repair herself while not screwing up her kids. I have, however, done a lot of research in to the subject of raising kids without screwing them up. I've read way too many books on the subject and many of them were not so great. If you are wondering where I go for my own parenting support and information, check out the following books and websites.
1. Ina May's Guide to Childbirth, by Ina May Gaskin
I read this book during my ninth month of pregnancy and it totally got rid of any fear I had about giving birth. It should be required reading for all pregnant ladies. It gives great ideas for getting through labor and backs them up with stories of women who had amazing things happen. I used the inner mantra of "I'm going to get huge (ie my cervical opening is going to get huge)" during my labor and they told me I was dilated to 11 cm when I started pushing. :) It was a fabulous book to make you realize that you're just one of billions of women who have successfully and naturally birthed their babies. If you read nothing else about birth, read this!
2. Confident Parents, Remarkable Kids, by Bonnie Harris
I think this is my favorite so far and I don't even own it, I got it from the library a good year ago. It focuses around 8 principles of awesome parenting. It is non-formulaic and I think works well with all kinds of families. If you read no other book on discipline, read this one.
3. Kids Are Worth It, by Barbara Coloroso
This author worked in a school with special needs kids and was able to get them to cooperate without yelling or threats or punishment, so I have to give her legitimate props.
She has another book that I haven't read yet, but would love to called Parenting Through Crisis.
4. Baby Led Weaning, by Gil Rapley and Tracy Murkett
Skip the baby food! Have a confident eater! I'm so glad I was told about the concept of baby led weaning. It has made our meal times low-stress and has had our kid eating what we eat (most of the time) from the beginning (at about 6 months of age). This is the definitive guide.
5. Diaper Free: The Gentle Wisdom of Natural Infant Hygiene, by Ingrid Bauer
This book completely changed my views on potty training and diapering. I was very worried about potty training long before getting pregnant and this book let me see it from an entirely new perspective. She says a few things in there about vaccines I don't agree with, but other than that it is a great book for anyone interested in Elimination Communication.
6. Go Diaper Free!
This site and eBook offers more help for those wanting to do Elimination Communication. "Diaper Free" offers a lot of good philosophy and Go Diaper Free has more things about the practice. I wish I would have read this before beginning EC.
7. Oh Crap Potty Training
This is an awesome potty training eBook. It goes extremely well with the philosophy of EC, she even mentions EC in the book. Her potty training philosophy begs us to not under-estimate our kids capabilities, and to potty train without coercion or rewards, it is not a method, because it will look different for everyone! Much like every other aspect of parenting.
8. Baby Love MN
This is "an independent childbirth education center offering Lamaze childbirth classes, Breastfeeding classes and support, Infant Care classes, and Infant Safety classes." That about sums it up. These two women are amazing educators and the offer a great breastfeeding moms support group, go to it if you need support! I did for a few months, it was great, they even have coffee and snacks that they give you! They even have an Elimination Communication class there. If you are curious about EC, take it! I know no other place that offers such a thing. They will also teach you how to use cloth diapers and how to baby wear, with carriers to try out. I plan on taking many classes from them the next time around.
9. The Baby Book: Everything You Need to Know About Your Baby from Birth to Age Two, by William Sears, Martha Sears, Robert Sears, and James Sears
This is the best of the baby books I have come accross, I've read other popular ones, but I think this one is the best. It was how I decided to use a midwife, hire a doula, breastfeed until age 2, co-sleep, baby wear, and look more into the attachment parenting. I read this cover to cover, so when people say dumb things like, "Dr. Sears says you can't leave your kid with anyone else for two years," I can say, "um, actually, no he doesn't say that at all." The only thing I need to add is that this book is relatively old for baby book standards, I hope there is a newer edition, but I couldn't find it. Some of the safety and baby wearing and breastfeeding things in it might not be the best, most current information. Which is why you should go take a baby wearing and breastfeeding class from Baby Love MN!
10. The Vaccine Book: Making the Right Decision for Your Child, by Robert Sears
If you want to know the latest info on vaccines and are interested in modified vaccine schedules, read this book, it makes it very clear. It's a valuable resource in the age of polarizing vaccine views.
11. Attachment Parenting International
Go here and read through this site before you form any assumptions about attachment parenting. My son was 5 months old before I really found this group. I was basically looking for a parenting group of people who wanted to use positive discipline and who did not use punishment and I found this organization. There really isn't another organization around that is so committed to the AP principles. If you want support for your positive parenting style, please check them out and remember that AP parents are a diverse set of parents, if so called "crunchy" things aren't appealing to you, have no worries, that is not what they are about at their core. If anyone finds a better organization for parents, please let me know, until then I'm going to keep referring to this one.
12. Kelly Mom
Got a breastfeeding question at 2 am? Go to this site first and see if you can find out the answer. It has loads of wonderful information on breastfeeding.
13. Infant Risk Center
Are you pregnant or breastfeeding and aren't sure if something is safe for you to take? DON'T ask your doctor, they probably won't know. Call the Infant Risk Center at (806)-352-2519, Monday-Friday 8am-5pm central time. They have the best information available, because it's all they do. Make your doctor call them if he or she is refusing to prescribe something you think you need. I called it once, it was wonderful! Everyone who works with pregnant or breastfeeding women should have this number. Most of them do not.
1. Ina May's Guide to Childbirth, by Ina May Gaskin
I read this book during my ninth month of pregnancy and it totally got rid of any fear I had about giving birth. It should be required reading for all pregnant ladies. It gives great ideas for getting through labor and backs them up with stories of women who had amazing things happen. I used the inner mantra of "I'm going to get huge (ie my cervical opening is going to get huge)" during my labor and they told me I was dilated to 11 cm when I started pushing. :) It was a fabulous book to make you realize that you're just one of billions of women who have successfully and naturally birthed their babies. If you read nothing else about birth, read this!
2. Confident Parents, Remarkable Kids, by Bonnie Harris
I think this is my favorite so far and I don't even own it, I got it from the library a good year ago. It focuses around 8 principles of awesome parenting. It is non-formulaic and I think works well with all kinds of families. If you read no other book on discipline, read this one.
3. Kids Are Worth It, by Barbara Coloroso
This author worked in a school with special needs kids and was able to get them to cooperate without yelling or threats or punishment, so I have to give her legitimate props.
She has another book that I haven't read yet, but would love to called Parenting Through Crisis.
4. Baby Led Weaning, by Gil Rapley and Tracy Murkett
Skip the baby food! Have a confident eater! I'm so glad I was told about the concept of baby led weaning. It has made our meal times low-stress and has had our kid eating what we eat (most of the time) from the beginning (at about 6 months of age). This is the definitive guide.
5. Diaper Free: The Gentle Wisdom of Natural Infant Hygiene, by Ingrid Bauer
This book completely changed my views on potty training and diapering. I was very worried about potty training long before getting pregnant and this book let me see it from an entirely new perspective. She says a few things in there about vaccines I don't agree with, but other than that it is a great book for anyone interested in Elimination Communication.
6. Go Diaper Free!
This site and eBook offers more help for those wanting to do Elimination Communication. "Diaper Free" offers a lot of good philosophy and Go Diaper Free has more things about the practice. I wish I would have read this before beginning EC.
7. Oh Crap Potty Training
This is an awesome potty training eBook. It goes extremely well with the philosophy of EC, she even mentions EC in the book. Her potty training philosophy begs us to not under-estimate our kids capabilities, and to potty train without coercion or rewards, it is not a method, because it will look different for everyone! Much like every other aspect of parenting.
8. Baby Love MN
This is "an independent childbirth education center offering Lamaze childbirth classes, Breastfeeding classes and support, Infant Care classes, and Infant Safety classes." That about sums it up. These two women are amazing educators and the offer a great breastfeeding moms support group, go to it if you need support! I did for a few months, it was great, they even have coffee and snacks that they give you! They even have an Elimination Communication class there. If you are curious about EC, take it! I know no other place that offers such a thing. They will also teach you how to use cloth diapers and how to baby wear, with carriers to try out. I plan on taking many classes from them the next time around.
9. The Baby Book: Everything You Need to Know About Your Baby from Birth to Age Two, by William Sears, Martha Sears, Robert Sears, and James Sears
This is the best of the baby books I have come accross, I've read other popular ones, but I think this one is the best. It was how I decided to use a midwife, hire a doula, breastfeed until age 2, co-sleep, baby wear, and look more into the attachment parenting. I read this cover to cover, so when people say dumb things like, "Dr. Sears says you can't leave your kid with anyone else for two years," I can say, "um, actually, no he doesn't say that at all." The only thing I need to add is that this book is relatively old for baby book standards, I hope there is a newer edition, but I couldn't find it. Some of the safety and baby wearing and breastfeeding things in it might not be the best, most current information. Which is why you should go take a baby wearing and breastfeeding class from Baby Love MN!
10. The Vaccine Book: Making the Right Decision for Your Child, by Robert Sears
If you want to know the latest info on vaccines and are interested in modified vaccine schedules, read this book, it makes it very clear. It's a valuable resource in the age of polarizing vaccine views.
11. Attachment Parenting International
Go here and read through this site before you form any assumptions about attachment parenting. My son was 5 months old before I really found this group. I was basically looking for a parenting group of people who wanted to use positive discipline and who did not use punishment and I found this organization. There really isn't another organization around that is so committed to the AP principles. If you want support for your positive parenting style, please check them out and remember that AP parents are a diverse set of parents, if so called "crunchy" things aren't appealing to you, have no worries, that is not what they are about at their core. If anyone finds a better organization for parents, please let me know, until then I'm going to keep referring to this one.
12. Kelly Mom
Got a breastfeeding question at 2 am? Go to this site first and see if you can find out the answer. It has loads of wonderful information on breastfeeding.
13. Infant Risk Center
Are you pregnant or breastfeeding and aren't sure if something is safe for you to take? DON'T ask your doctor, they probably won't know. Call the Infant Risk Center at (806)-352-2519, Monday-Friday 8am-5pm central time. They have the best information available, because it's all they do. Make your doctor call them if he or she is refusing to prescribe something you think you need. I called it once, it was wonderful! Everyone who works with pregnant or breastfeeding women should have this number. Most of them do not.
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