Some of us hate being pregnant. For me it's the lack of control over my body, the loss of my body. I also seem to get pretty much every symptom to a certain extent. If you don't know, pregnancy affects every organ in your body pretty much. And I feel it. I try to remember that this is probably because I am in tune with my body.
My symptoms aren't severe, and so far I've had about 1.6 pregnancies without any complication. I would be a wreak if something were to come up. I'm not good with medical things to begin with, then to have your baby's life be in the hands of it, of some pregnancy illness taking you over, I know I would go insane for a bit before any coping skills would get clicked on.
I couldn't sleep tonight because of all over itchy skin, which is a fairly common thing to happen to us pregnant women. I also have a bit of an exacerbation of my slight manic symptoms I get sometimes. Though I don't believe I have a diagnosable disorder, nor does it interfere badly with my life, but sometimes sleep doesn't come and I feel great staying up a long long time. Long as in 20 hours, not 72 or anything nuts like that. Like I said, mild.
And soon there will be less of me and more of the pregnancy. I'm not one to see myself as getting fat, I see myself as being taken over by a blob of pregnant that grows until it explodes out of me.
And most migraine sufferers seen an improvement in their migraines, I see an incredible increase in headaches during the middle bit of pregnancy. Luckily it's not the entire way through, but they were bad enough that I took narcotics (and a couple other meds too), to varying degrees of success, and prayed for a study showing Immitrex was safe. But no, apparently Immitrex is not safe.
I was actually feeling pretty good about my pregnancy the last couple weeks, until tonight, with the itching and sleeplessness. If one thing goes away, another will crop up. There are good little moments here and there, even a good week will creep in, nothing is black and white, but over all we see pregnancy as a big pain.
Oh and did I mention I gain much more weight than the "recommended weight gain?" According to the recommendations I could stop gaining weight now. That's not going to happen. I'm lucky that for both pregnancies I had care providers that weren't so stuck on the weight issue. Luckily I lost it all post partum and then some more.
So, yeah, we women who hate pregnancy do *try* to enjoy it. We do, we want to, but pregnancy lets us down. And yes, we realize that after the baby comes we'll have a whole new set of problems. And I think most of us who really hate it, would welcome any change.
I had a terrible post partum time with my first child, felt really depressed, incredibly anxious, and could barely make the simplest decision. But the one thing I kept thinking was, "at least I'm not pregnant!" I held on to that. It was a reminder of how far I had come, how there is no way in the world I would have put him back in again. I loved getting my body back and free from pregnancy so much that it over shadowed the horrible post partum hormones.
And I could also hand the baby to my husband, which I could not do while pregnant.
Some of us do not enjoy it while it lasts, some of us don't wish we had cherished the moments we had while pregnant. Some of us just coped with it and were glad when it was finally all over. Some of us felt like we had contracted some horrible alien virus that changed everything about us for 9 months and we just wanted to feel like ourselves again.
When some of us say we hate pregnancy, we really mean it, don't tell us to enjoy it. Don't try to claim it's harder after baby comes. It's different after baby comes. For some of us giving up our bodies is actually a really huge deal, and we don't enjoy most of it. And for some women, they are on bed rest for months, or are puking through the whole pregnancy, or live in on-going fear of premature labor or some other complication. Some women have MUCH harder pregnancies than I.
"It sucks, and it will end someday," is a better line. But don't tell me how to feel about it. Amidst all my depression and anxiety there was intense joy, the deepest joy I had even felt in my life. Joy I never felt while pregnant. The rush of happy hormones after birth was one of the greatest experiences I have ever had. And breastfeeding ended up being the most amazing, reward-filled accomplishment of my life to date. And becoming a mom changed me for the better, it took a while, but I'm a better person for it. This is why I put up with both pregnancies. They are a necessary evil for me. And that's OK!
Saturday, September 28, 2013
Sunday, September 22, 2013
Why Not Just Go to the Hospital?
OK. I have to answer this question, because it seems to be asked of me in various ways now that I am planning a home birth.
I've been there too. I have not always been a home birth lover. But my dislike for home birth came from a place of not knowing much about birth in general. Birth is portrayed as scary, painful, and dangerous in this society. So, yeah, I guess, why wouldn't you want to be around a team of medical experts who could save your life or your baby's life? It seems so simple.
Except that birth isn't as dangerous as it's made out to be. It's true that half of all women used to die in childbirth, but that's over the course of their whole lives. And back in the day women were having like 10 kids (no birth control/different cultural norms/expectations/needs). So maybe 1in 20 births (OMG don't quote me on this stat, it's a guess), before medical advancements and the knowledge of microbes and bacteria, ended in the death of the woman. That sucks, but let's not act like it was 1 in 2.
The other thing I had no idea about was what home birth was really like. When I was pregnant with my first child, I knew ONE person who had ever given birth at home and talked about it openly with me, and I didn't know this person very well. And she doesn't even live in Minnesota, so it's not like I could have used her midwife. I'm guessing many of you know ONE person who is planning a home birth and that's it (me!), or maybe some distant relative or friend of a friend had one. I think only about 1% of babies are born at home in the US.
So, if this is basically your only knowledge of home births (that almost no one does it and it seems dangerous), I'm going to ask you to admit that you actually don't know much about home birthing. It's OK, I didn't know shit about it either until after I had already given birth in a hospital and was determined to go a different route.
So, if you don't know much about it, have never witnessed it, have never interviewed a home birth midwife, have never read a book about it, please try not to be afraid of it. Especially when it's not even you who is currently 5 months pregnant.
I think I can safely say that 99.9% of women who choose to give birth at home are not doing it DESPITE the danger; they are doing it because they feel it is SAFER. Mind blown, right?
It's isn't safe for everyone. But a good midwife will tell you when you are not appropriate and will refer you to an OB when you need one. I'm sure there are bad midwives out there, but all the midwives I interviewed made it clear that they were not about "home birth or nothing." They are trained professionals that monitor your birth and can tell you if they think you should transfer to a hospital. They also all stated clearly (because I asked them) that they all bring oxygen with them, drugs to stop hemorrhaging, and are trained in neonatal resuscitation. Midwives actually can deal with some emergencies, and if they can't, they call 911. I hear a good midwife shows up with about 4 big bags of medical equipment that they hopefully don't even need to use. They will have a Doppler for intermittent monitoring. They will have a blood pressure cuff. Their biggest priority will be my and the baby's health and well being, that's why I am hiring them in the first place. They know what normal birth looks like so well, that they will be able to spot when it is not normal and let me know. If they couldn't do this, I'd be better off birthing alone, really.
Having a home birth is not at all like having a baby during the middle ages. I promise you I am in good hands with experienced midwives. Plus I'm a second time vaginal-birth mom who is low risk, this makes it even safer for me.
But, still, why not just go to the hospital like everyone else? Just in case??
Everyone who chooses a home birth will have a different answer to this, so I can only give mine.
Short answer: Did that the first time and I do not care to repeat it.
Long answer: Even for my first birth I didn't really end up needing anything the hospital provided. I ended up on continuous fetal monitoring, but I don't really believe it was necessary. Outside of that.... I needed one row of stitches (which a home birth midwife can do)... and... and.... that's it. Nothing else that the hospital could have provided me did I end up needing. It's cost my insurance probably $12k and me about $3k and what did I get? Peace of mind? Some people do feel at peace when surrounded by *medicine* but I really didn't. I thought I would, and I didn't. I chose a hospital birth for that very peace of mind you are probably wondering about, and I didn't get it.
So what did you get?!
First of all, I was planning a water birth. And because hospitals are full of regulations they had MANY rules about who got to go in the tub and when. I was passing those rules with flying colors. But the one rule I was missing out on is that my hospital required me to be at 5cm dilation before entering the tub. Which meant I agreed to several cervical checks. I had a drug-free birth and I can say that the worst part of it was the cervical checks. The cervix is frigging sensitive and a nurse has to jam their fingers into it to check dilation. I screamed through every one, but I wanted in the tub. This will not happen at a home birth, I will not have this arbitrary regulation to labor under.
My water ended up breaking at 4cm and it was full of meconium, so I wasn't allowed in the tub at all. I've done some research and asked some experts on meconium and I personally think they over-reacted, though it could have been much worse. Something like 20-30% of births have meconium-stained amniotic fluid, and a small percentage of infants will inhale it, and a small percentage of those will get sick from it, and a small percentage of those will die. It happens, but rarely. I had maybe like a 1 in a few thousand chance of my baby dieing from this. It also appears that these infants inhale it while in the womb, NOT during birth. So actually limiting the tub and changing how the birth happens is not going to change the out come. If there is meconium, it seems, what is done is done, and probably everything is fine.
So luckily my infant was totally fine, the *thick* meconium didn't bother him at all and he was placed on my chest immediately after birth and we were breastfeeding in minutes. All in all, a pretty good hospital birth from the horror stories I have read, no drugs, no augmentation, no cutting, little interference, immediate skin-on-skin contact. I'm not going to deny that my birth was a success, but it could have been better, it could have involved a tub of water and no cervical checks. If you want a hospital birth I can say the HCMC midwives are pretty good.
Then enter the post partum period. You would think I was asking my kid to be injected with polio at the crap I got for choosing to delay the Hep B vaccine (Hep B is RARELY spread to children, and I didn't want a vaccine given right at birth). I got crap for refusing the eye antibiotic ointment, which only prevents blindness if I have chlamydia or gonorrhea, which they screened me for during pregnancy and I didn't have it. It would have been a worthless use of antibiotics, which shouldn't be used lightly. The nurses were constantly asking to take my baby off to the nursery when I was under the impression that this particular hospital was very big on rooming in. And the bassinet/hospital bed sleeping arrangement was horrid, I barely slept while in the hospital, I got way more sleep when I got home. There were other things like the nurse who told me, "you could just use formula" when I was upset over how much pain I was in. And then there are the horror stories of nurses sneaking babies formula, I know someone who had this happen to them at HCMC about 6 months later. I actually wrote a blog post all about the crap that happened after birth. I could not wait to leave there.
So when all of this is taken as a whole, I just do not feel that a hospital is a safer option for me. I am not choosing a home birth because I really want an awesome birth and I'm willing to risk my health and my baby's health to get it. I'm actually choosing a home birth because I am trying to do what is best for my health and the health of my baby.
If you can try to see it from this perspective, even if you are skeptical, I think it will help ease some of your trepidation about it. I have read stories of women who had a home birth because NONE of the hospitals within several hundred miles of them would help them achieve a VBAC. Certainly in that case you can see that they felt much safer staying home rather than give in to a second or third planned C-section.
Birth is getting a bit better, but some places are seriously lacking in options. We are lucky in the Twin Cities, we have several hospital midwife groups, three birth centers, and numerous home birth midwives. If you are giving birth in this area, look into all your options, I didn't the first time, so I swore I would do it differently next time.
I've been there too. I have not always been a home birth lover. But my dislike for home birth came from a place of not knowing much about birth in general. Birth is portrayed as scary, painful, and dangerous in this society. So, yeah, I guess, why wouldn't you want to be around a team of medical experts who could save your life or your baby's life? It seems so simple.
Except that birth isn't as dangerous as it's made out to be. It's true that half of all women used to die in childbirth, but that's over the course of their whole lives. And back in the day women were having like 10 kids (no birth control/different cultural norms/expectations/needs). So maybe 1in 20 births (OMG don't quote me on this stat, it's a guess), before medical advancements and the knowledge of microbes and bacteria, ended in the death of the woman. That sucks, but let's not act like it was 1 in 2.
The other thing I had no idea about was what home birth was really like. When I was pregnant with my first child, I knew ONE person who had ever given birth at home and talked about it openly with me, and I didn't know this person very well. And she doesn't even live in Minnesota, so it's not like I could have used her midwife. I'm guessing many of you know ONE person who is planning a home birth and that's it (me!), or maybe some distant relative or friend of a friend had one. I think only about 1% of babies are born at home in the US.
So, if this is basically your only knowledge of home births (that almost no one does it and it seems dangerous), I'm going to ask you to admit that you actually don't know much about home birthing. It's OK, I didn't know shit about it either until after I had already given birth in a hospital and was determined to go a different route.
So, if you don't know much about it, have never witnessed it, have never interviewed a home birth midwife, have never read a book about it, please try not to be afraid of it. Especially when it's not even you who is currently 5 months pregnant.
I think I can safely say that 99.9% of women who choose to give birth at home are not doing it DESPITE the danger; they are doing it because they feel it is SAFER. Mind blown, right?
It's isn't safe for everyone. But a good midwife will tell you when you are not appropriate and will refer you to an OB when you need one. I'm sure there are bad midwives out there, but all the midwives I interviewed made it clear that they were not about "home birth or nothing." They are trained professionals that monitor your birth and can tell you if they think you should transfer to a hospital. They also all stated clearly (because I asked them) that they all bring oxygen with them, drugs to stop hemorrhaging, and are trained in neonatal resuscitation. Midwives actually can deal with some emergencies, and if they can't, they call 911. I hear a good midwife shows up with about 4 big bags of medical equipment that they hopefully don't even need to use. They will have a Doppler for intermittent monitoring. They will have a blood pressure cuff. Their biggest priority will be my and the baby's health and well being, that's why I am hiring them in the first place. They know what normal birth looks like so well, that they will be able to spot when it is not normal and let me know. If they couldn't do this, I'd be better off birthing alone, really.
Having a home birth is not at all like having a baby during the middle ages. I promise you I am in good hands with experienced midwives. Plus I'm a second time vaginal-birth mom who is low risk, this makes it even safer for me.
But, still, why not just go to the hospital like everyone else? Just in case??
Everyone who chooses a home birth will have a different answer to this, so I can only give mine.
Short answer: Did that the first time and I do not care to repeat it.
Long answer: Even for my first birth I didn't really end up needing anything the hospital provided. I ended up on continuous fetal monitoring, but I don't really believe it was necessary. Outside of that.... I needed one row of stitches (which a home birth midwife can do)... and... and.... that's it. Nothing else that the hospital could have provided me did I end up needing. It's cost my insurance probably $12k and me about $3k and what did I get? Peace of mind? Some people do feel at peace when surrounded by *medicine* but I really didn't. I thought I would, and I didn't. I chose a hospital birth for that very peace of mind you are probably wondering about, and I didn't get it.
So what did you get?!
First of all, I was planning a water birth. And because hospitals are full of regulations they had MANY rules about who got to go in the tub and when. I was passing those rules with flying colors. But the one rule I was missing out on is that my hospital required me to be at 5cm dilation before entering the tub. Which meant I agreed to several cervical checks. I had a drug-free birth and I can say that the worst part of it was the cervical checks. The cervix is frigging sensitive and a nurse has to jam their fingers into it to check dilation. I screamed through every one, but I wanted in the tub. This will not happen at a home birth, I will not have this arbitrary regulation to labor under.
My water ended up breaking at 4cm and it was full of meconium, so I wasn't allowed in the tub at all. I've done some research and asked some experts on meconium and I personally think they over-reacted, though it could have been much worse. Something like 20-30% of births have meconium-stained amniotic fluid, and a small percentage of infants will inhale it, and a small percentage of those will get sick from it, and a small percentage of those will die. It happens, but rarely. I had maybe like a 1 in a few thousand chance of my baby dieing from this. It also appears that these infants inhale it while in the womb, NOT during birth. So actually limiting the tub and changing how the birth happens is not going to change the out come. If there is meconium, it seems, what is done is done, and probably everything is fine.
So luckily my infant was totally fine, the *thick* meconium didn't bother him at all and he was placed on my chest immediately after birth and we were breastfeeding in minutes. All in all, a pretty good hospital birth from the horror stories I have read, no drugs, no augmentation, no cutting, little interference, immediate skin-on-skin contact. I'm not going to deny that my birth was a success, but it could have been better, it could have involved a tub of water and no cervical checks. If you want a hospital birth I can say the HCMC midwives are pretty good.
Then enter the post partum period. You would think I was asking my kid to be injected with polio at the crap I got for choosing to delay the Hep B vaccine (Hep B is RARELY spread to children, and I didn't want a vaccine given right at birth). I got crap for refusing the eye antibiotic ointment, which only prevents blindness if I have chlamydia or gonorrhea, which they screened me for during pregnancy and I didn't have it. It would have been a worthless use of antibiotics, which shouldn't be used lightly. The nurses were constantly asking to take my baby off to the nursery when I was under the impression that this particular hospital was very big on rooming in. And the bassinet/hospital bed sleeping arrangement was horrid, I barely slept while in the hospital, I got way more sleep when I got home. There were other things like the nurse who told me, "you could just use formula" when I was upset over how much pain I was in. And then there are the horror stories of nurses sneaking babies formula, I know someone who had this happen to them at HCMC about 6 months later. I actually wrote a blog post all about the crap that happened after birth. I could not wait to leave there.
So when all of this is taken as a whole, I just do not feel that a hospital is a safer option for me. I am not choosing a home birth because I really want an awesome birth and I'm willing to risk my health and my baby's health to get it. I'm actually choosing a home birth because I am trying to do what is best for my health and the health of my baby.
If you can try to see it from this perspective, even if you are skeptical, I think it will help ease some of your trepidation about it. I have read stories of women who had a home birth because NONE of the hospitals within several hundred miles of them would help them achieve a VBAC. Certainly in that case you can see that they felt much safer staying home rather than give in to a second or third planned C-section.
Birth is getting a bit better, but some places are seriously lacking in options. We are lucky in the Twin Cities, we have several hospital midwife groups, three birth centers, and numerous home birth midwives. If you are giving birth in this area, look into all your options, I didn't the first time, so I swore I would do it differently next time.
Saturday, September 14, 2013
Skipping the Glucose Screen
My midwives do not routinely do the 1 hour glucose screen for gestational diabetes. I couldn't be happier. I think it was routine at HCMC and I hated pretty much every second of that entire hour plus some. I felt dizzy and gross and couldn't believe what had just done to my body. Then I was sure I would fail it, because I felt like crap, but I passed. I swore I would never drink that crap ever again, which is BRIGHT orange and tastes horrible.
Doing more digging I don't even think I even have any risk factors for gestational diabetes. I'm young, I'm not over-weight, only late-onset type 2 diabetes runs in my family, and only to over-weight members of it. I gained 55 pounds last pregnancy and was totally fine, and I'm gaining slightly less this time around. I'm also starting this pregnancy 7 pound lighter and I beleive with less fat and more muscle mass. Generally I'm a bit healthier than I was last time.
And I also found out that if you fail the 1 hour test, you do a 3 hour test, good god, that sounds awful. The one-hour test isn't even a diagnostic, it's just a screening. And there don't even seem to be very straight-foward guidelines for diagnosing GD anyway. And I can tell you from experience that ultrasounds are total crap at telling you how big your baby is. I was told I was having a ginormous 97th percentile baby! They were wrong.
So, I'm not going to do it. Late pregnancy makes me pretty adverse to sugar anyway. I feel sick easily from it. It's just another part of digestion that is all messed up while pregnant for me. Fatty foods give me heartburn, I crave dairy like crazy, hate meat, and can't eat much sugar if I don't want to regret it.
Just mark this under a long list of things I wish I knew last pregnancy. We're also not checking my urine every single visit, because it turns out that might not be very indicative of anything either. I still need to decide on the GBS test. I will probably do the same prevention method I did last time, get the test, but probably won't do anything much different if it's positive, unless my water breaks well before labor starts.
Doing more digging I don't even think I even have any risk factors for gestational diabetes. I'm young, I'm not over-weight, only late-onset type 2 diabetes runs in my family, and only to over-weight members of it. I gained 55 pounds last pregnancy and was totally fine, and I'm gaining slightly less this time around. I'm also starting this pregnancy 7 pound lighter and I beleive with less fat and more muscle mass. Generally I'm a bit healthier than I was last time.
And I also found out that if you fail the 1 hour test, you do a 3 hour test, good god, that sounds awful. The one-hour test isn't even a diagnostic, it's just a screening. And there don't even seem to be very straight-foward guidelines for diagnosing GD anyway. And I can tell you from experience that ultrasounds are total crap at telling you how big your baby is. I was told I was having a ginormous 97th percentile baby! They were wrong.
So, I'm not going to do it. Late pregnancy makes me pretty adverse to sugar anyway. I feel sick easily from it. It's just another part of digestion that is all messed up while pregnant for me. Fatty foods give me heartburn, I crave dairy like crazy, hate meat, and can't eat much sugar if I don't want to regret it.
Just mark this under a long list of things I wish I knew last pregnancy. We're also not checking my urine every single visit, because it turns out that might not be very indicative of anything either. I still need to decide on the GBS test. I will probably do the same prevention method I did last time, get the test, but probably won't do anything much different if it's positive, unless my water breaks well before labor starts.
Friday, September 6, 2013
Hold on to Your Hat!
I'm going to have TWO kids! Pretty sure the ideal spacing of children is close to 18 years. Mothers should get a 9 month break from motherhood when they are pregnant. You mothers who have 3, 4, 5 kids, how did you do it? Did you do it on purpose? Really?? Really???? ;)
I had a tough few days of a few things going wrong. The weather got hot, the dryer died, the toddler peed and pooped on everything, bedtime took multiple hours... I lost it, I felt like I had somehow failed at life. Fittingly, while crying about failing at life, I missed an appointment that will be annoying to reschedule.
Luckily I have some insight into my problems and a pretty supportive husband. I need to chill the fuck out. I pride myself in being a pretty relaxed mother. I actually worry very little (once I got over the post-partum anxiety). But when I do worry, the worry comes in extreme but short durations where all hope is lost forever.
My kid is not easy to potty train. I have had to conclude that after a good 6 months of attempting it during the supposed "ideal window of opportunity." My husband wasn't easy and I wasn't easy, so this is to be expected. We also did everything we could to try to make it easier on us; we used cloth diapers, we did EC, we did a non-reward-system, matter-of-fact potty training that has worked wonders for other kids. And we can tell he's really trying sometimes. He's just going to be slow getting there. And he does use the potty on his own sometimes. He probably does more than a lot of boys his age. I still say I had the least amount of potty trouble when he was 6 months old.
Our work schedules do not allow us to get on an earlier bedtime schedule and the transition away from naps has been slow and hard. This has been really hard because sometimes my kid is a terror and I know it's because he hasn't gotten enough sleep, then I feel guilty for not geting him enough sleep, which is a losing battle because I actually CAN'T make him sleep. He only is able to nap in the car or in his stroller, that's it. Trust me, I've tried MANY times to make it not this way. It wasn't this way until he got to be about 23 months. Then I weaned him because I'm pregnant and it got even worse. It made me declare that I would ever stop nursing our next kid ever. Then all the studies on sleep and brain power... OMG, talk about a daggar through the heart. But, what can we do? Sleep isn't going to get any easier in about 4 months when we have a newborn.
I've heard that in other cultures they are amazed that the Americans always think that everything needs to be fixed. Apparently sometimes people don't constantly think about trying to FIX IT. There is some kind of acceptance of things not going right. I'm going to try to channel that mentality for a while. Afterall, I CAN'T fix all of my kids' problems, actually I can probably only fix a small percentage of them. Acceptance will go a long way. And I have to say that most of the things I have *tried* do not work. I have noticed a very high failure rate for things I have read about and tried with my own kid. And the things that did work usually took much longer than originally thought. This kid is unique and I really wouldn't want him any other way. Probably most parents feel the same way about their own kid.
So, my life is not going to get any easier for a while. I need to try to enjoy the ride, not worry so much about schedules (my kid has never gravitated toward a set schedule anyway, if anything he resists sameness), and chill the fuck out. Kids aren't built in a day, or even a year, or even 5 years. And I think, overall, we are doing really well. Our son is well attached to us both and very healthy. I have no worries that the same won't be true of our daughter.
So, CHILL OUT MOMMY! You don't hear it a lot from people, but you are doing a fine job, alright?
I had a tough few days of a few things going wrong. The weather got hot, the dryer died, the toddler peed and pooped on everything, bedtime took multiple hours... I lost it, I felt like I had somehow failed at life. Fittingly, while crying about failing at life, I missed an appointment that will be annoying to reschedule.
Luckily I have some insight into my problems and a pretty supportive husband. I need to chill the fuck out. I pride myself in being a pretty relaxed mother. I actually worry very little (once I got over the post-partum anxiety). But when I do worry, the worry comes in extreme but short durations where all hope is lost forever.
My kid is not easy to potty train. I have had to conclude that after a good 6 months of attempting it during the supposed "ideal window of opportunity." My husband wasn't easy and I wasn't easy, so this is to be expected. We also did everything we could to try to make it easier on us; we used cloth diapers, we did EC, we did a non-reward-system, matter-of-fact potty training that has worked wonders for other kids. And we can tell he's really trying sometimes. He's just going to be slow getting there. And he does use the potty on his own sometimes. He probably does more than a lot of boys his age. I still say I had the least amount of potty trouble when he was 6 months old.
Our work schedules do not allow us to get on an earlier bedtime schedule and the transition away from naps has been slow and hard. This has been really hard because sometimes my kid is a terror and I know it's because he hasn't gotten enough sleep, then I feel guilty for not geting him enough sleep, which is a losing battle because I actually CAN'T make him sleep. He only is able to nap in the car or in his stroller, that's it. Trust me, I've tried MANY times to make it not this way. It wasn't this way until he got to be about 23 months. Then I weaned him because I'm pregnant and it got even worse. It made me declare that I would ever stop nursing our next kid ever. Then all the studies on sleep and brain power... OMG, talk about a daggar through the heart. But, what can we do? Sleep isn't going to get any easier in about 4 months when we have a newborn.
I've heard that in other cultures they are amazed that the Americans always think that everything needs to be fixed. Apparently sometimes people don't constantly think about trying to FIX IT. There is some kind of acceptance of things not going right. I'm going to try to channel that mentality for a while. Afterall, I CAN'T fix all of my kids' problems, actually I can probably only fix a small percentage of them. Acceptance will go a long way. And I have to say that most of the things I have *tried* do not work. I have noticed a very high failure rate for things I have read about and tried with my own kid. And the things that did work usually took much longer than originally thought. This kid is unique and I really wouldn't want him any other way. Probably most parents feel the same way about their own kid.
So, my life is not going to get any easier for a while. I need to try to enjoy the ride, not worry so much about schedules (my kid has never gravitated toward a set schedule anyway, if anything he resists sameness), and chill the fuck out. Kids aren't built in a day, or even a year, or even 5 years. And I think, overall, we are doing really well. Our son is well attached to us both and very healthy. I have no worries that the same won't be true of our daughter.
So, CHILL OUT MOMMY! You don't hear it a lot from people, but you are doing a fine job, alright?
Monday, August 5, 2013
Parenting the Child Who Says Less
My kid is still totally on a normal spectrum of verbal skills, but he still rarely combines more than a couple words and mostly prefers to yell out one word that we understand maybe 65% of the time. This of course was not what I was expecting by the time he was two. He's also a kid that only sometimes responds back to a question. He's a thinker, he needs long pauses, he chooses his words carefully. He's like his dad.
It believe it delays everything else. Because I rarely have any idea what is going on in his head. He's hard to read sometimes. I often don't know what he wants or needs because he can't quite tell me it or chooses not to. I can't negotiate with him. It's hard to know if he is even understanding the limits I am setting and enforcing. Does he really know what "not safe" means now? He doesn't say it, he doesn't say anything like, "ok," or really anything when I say stuff like this to him.
In stead he shows understanding in his actions, he seems to kind of get about not going in the street because he doesn't go in the street anymore when we are at the park. He kind of gets the potty because he often goes in the potty when we are home. But dear lord will he ever say, "I need to go potty, mama, help!" He says, "potty," as he runs for the potty, but only if he's bottomless. He says nothing, otherwise, and I haven't had the energy to jump over the pants hurdle yet. And I have a feeling I've now made it incredibly hard on myself for putting it off for so long.
Anyway, I feel stuck, unable to change anything without knowing more about what's going on in his head. And OMG the things you guys post about what your toddler says... My first thought is usually, "my life would probably be less hectic if my kid could say stuff like that to me." For now a lot of it is a mystery. I never got any of those supposed baby signals down, because I swear they weren't there... it was either happy or screaming, there was no subtle differences. The only thing he seemed to need was nursing, that took care of everything, there wasn't anything left that he cared about.
I'm seriously skeptical about these baby cues, because I sure didn't notice much of them. And I work with humans, I pick up on stuff, I'm not unobservant to human behavior. And don't get me started on potty cues... they are super subtle in my kid and I swear mostly not there. We had to do it all on timing, because timing was all we had.
And the thing is I don't think this lack of talking is going to change, I think he will be somewhat of a mystery my whole life. It's a personality trait. It comes from his dad big time. My husband has been sick for days before he actually mentions it. I've slowly gotten better at picking up on his cues, but he'd mostly still not talk about it even if I did notice something off. I've grown to like the mystery though, I always find out something interesting when he does talk.
I think my son will continue to challenge everything I thought I knew. Because a lot of how I wanted to parent was all about open communication and stuff like that. I don't think that's going to work out like I had planned. I don't think my son is actually going to have the conversations I imagine I would have someday with him. He will someday, yes, talk eloquently and intelligently. But I think part of him will always be hidden from me. I don't think he will share so much with me. Even if I am the most warm and open and loving and approachable mom there is. I think this is just who he is. And I kind of need to come to terms with that. He could surprise me. He could come home from his first day of school and tell me all about it, but I think instead he will say, "it was good." Perhaps this all comes from is jovial spirit. He might just have little to complain about and few problems to bring my way. He might just be easy. A late bloomer, but easy in the long run. I'm betting I worry about him very little as a teenager.
It believe it delays everything else. Because I rarely have any idea what is going on in his head. He's hard to read sometimes. I often don't know what he wants or needs because he can't quite tell me it or chooses not to. I can't negotiate with him. It's hard to know if he is even understanding the limits I am setting and enforcing. Does he really know what "not safe" means now? He doesn't say it, he doesn't say anything like, "ok," or really anything when I say stuff like this to him.
In stead he shows understanding in his actions, he seems to kind of get about not going in the street because he doesn't go in the street anymore when we are at the park. He kind of gets the potty because he often goes in the potty when we are home. But dear lord will he ever say, "I need to go potty, mama, help!" He says, "potty," as he runs for the potty, but only if he's bottomless. He says nothing, otherwise, and I haven't had the energy to jump over the pants hurdle yet. And I have a feeling I've now made it incredibly hard on myself for putting it off for so long.
Anyway, I feel stuck, unable to change anything without knowing more about what's going on in his head. And OMG the things you guys post about what your toddler says... My first thought is usually, "my life would probably be less hectic if my kid could say stuff like that to me." For now a lot of it is a mystery. I never got any of those supposed baby signals down, because I swear they weren't there... it was either happy or screaming, there was no subtle differences. The only thing he seemed to need was nursing, that took care of everything, there wasn't anything left that he cared about.
I'm seriously skeptical about these baby cues, because I sure didn't notice much of them. And I work with humans, I pick up on stuff, I'm not unobservant to human behavior. And don't get me started on potty cues... they are super subtle in my kid and I swear mostly not there. We had to do it all on timing, because timing was all we had.
And the thing is I don't think this lack of talking is going to change, I think he will be somewhat of a mystery my whole life. It's a personality trait. It comes from his dad big time. My husband has been sick for days before he actually mentions it. I've slowly gotten better at picking up on his cues, but he'd mostly still not talk about it even if I did notice something off. I've grown to like the mystery though, I always find out something interesting when he does talk.
I think my son will continue to challenge everything I thought I knew. Because a lot of how I wanted to parent was all about open communication and stuff like that. I don't think that's going to work out like I had planned. I don't think my son is actually going to have the conversations I imagine I would have someday with him. He will someday, yes, talk eloquently and intelligently. But I think part of him will always be hidden from me. I don't think he will share so much with me. Even if I am the most warm and open and loving and approachable mom there is. I think this is just who he is. And I kind of need to come to terms with that. He could surprise me. He could come home from his first day of school and tell me all about it, but I think instead he will say, "it was good." Perhaps this all comes from is jovial spirit. He might just have little to complain about and few problems to bring my way. He might just be easy. A late bloomer, but easy in the long run. I'm betting I worry about him very little as a teenager.
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Headaches: Right On Schedule.
I get bad headaches during pregnancy, but only around the fourth month of pregnancy. I got my first migraine at 12 weeks this time, and they've kept coming for the last two weeks. If it's anything like last time, I'll have a few weeks left of this, then the headaches will mysteriously disappear and I'll be almost 100% headache free until birth, then I'll have a mild resurgence, and then by 3-4 months post partum they will disappear again for a long time.
Nothing gets rid of them.
I start with Advil, later add Tylenol, I add caffeine if it isn't too late in the day. I sometimes take more Advil, if it's been long enough, but usually I've given up on pills by that point. I'm stretching my neck, massaging my neck and head, I'm putting cold packs on my head.
I took a nap this morning and it got rid of my headache, but it returned within 20 mins of waking up. My current headache started last night at about 7 pm. It's 3 pm now, and besides the short break from it when I first woke up in the morning and when I woke up from the nap, it's been going steady. I can kind of function. I feel like crap, I've spent a lot of the time laying down. Eventually I have to get up. And I will admit it's not severe, but it's moderate and relentless, and gives me slight nausea and makes me dizzy. It would be hard to go out and enjoy myself.
I've also started to wonder at what point does the amount of Advil and Tylenol and caffeine you consume equivalent to smoking some weed? I've got to have hit the point where marijuana would have been safer, right? I really don't know, and I don't think marijuana has actually been tested much in pregnancy, but I do know it is used for chronic pain, and I've got chronic pain.
If this kid ever asks me why I took pain meds when I was pregnant with them, I'll just have to tell them that the pain was greater and more relentless than my ability to cope with it. Even Tylenol during pregnancy is linked to an increase in allergies. I'm not deluding myself into thinking that anything I'm putting into my body is 100% safe, because nothing is 100% safe.
But I need something or I'm going to be a miserable person and a pretty absent mother for the next month. I've already been a pretty shitacular mother for the last two months due to relentless nausea. And I'm due to creep back in to shitacular land by December and stay there for several months. I'm trying to reduce the shitty time.
Nothing gets rid of them.
I start with Advil, later add Tylenol, I add caffeine if it isn't too late in the day. I sometimes take more Advil, if it's been long enough, but usually I've given up on pills by that point. I'm stretching my neck, massaging my neck and head, I'm putting cold packs on my head.
I took a nap this morning and it got rid of my headache, but it returned within 20 mins of waking up. My current headache started last night at about 7 pm. It's 3 pm now, and besides the short break from it when I first woke up in the morning and when I woke up from the nap, it's been going steady. I can kind of function. I feel like crap, I've spent a lot of the time laying down. Eventually I have to get up. And I will admit it's not severe, but it's moderate and relentless, and gives me slight nausea and makes me dizzy. It would be hard to go out and enjoy myself.
I've also started to wonder at what point does the amount of Advil and Tylenol and caffeine you consume equivalent to smoking some weed? I've got to have hit the point where marijuana would have been safer, right? I really don't know, and I don't think marijuana has actually been tested much in pregnancy, but I do know it is used for chronic pain, and I've got chronic pain.
If this kid ever asks me why I took pain meds when I was pregnant with them, I'll just have to tell them that the pain was greater and more relentless than my ability to cope with it. Even Tylenol during pregnancy is linked to an increase in allergies. I'm not deluding myself into thinking that anything I'm putting into my body is 100% safe, because nothing is 100% safe.
But I need something or I'm going to be a miserable person and a pretty absent mother for the next month. I've already been a pretty shitacular mother for the last two months due to relentless nausea. And I'm due to creep back in to shitacular land by December and stay there for several months. I'm trying to reduce the shitty time.
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
Seriously, screw the first trimester.
I'm 12 weeks pregnant today, which means I'm into my second trimester finally. The nausea is down quite a bit, but not totally gone. I don't notice an energy change, but there is hope. The really bad part should be behind me.
Screw that. Good riddance to that awful 1st trimester. For me it goes something like this:
Week 3-5: Cry a lot and not feel like myself.
Week 6: Start to feel like self again and less cry-y.
Week 6-12: Feel hung over for 6 weeks straight.
Of course, historically, what is next to come is:
Week 13-17: Have month-long migraine.
Then...
Week 18: Start leaking pee.
But NOTHING is more awful that nausea. If my pregnancies were unwanted, week 6 is when I would have ended both of them without any thought. Perhaps the nausea is to make me double check that I want another child.
And nothing gets rid of it completely for me. I even took Zofram. Fuck you Zofram, you barely did anything. Right now I feel 100% convinced that this will be our last kid, no way will I put myself through another pregnancy.
Last pregnancy I never really reached a point of liking the pregnancy. It was always in the way and causing me some kind of problem. I did not bond with my fetus very much at all. I just wanted to get it over with. I was hoping for this time to be different, but so far, not so much.
January can't get here fast enough. Even with how hard last post partum was, at least my body wasn't being invaded by an alien creature controlling every aspect of my body. I had my body back and saw good changes happening to it quickly. Plus I could take a shit load of Advil, no problems.
On a good note, I actually do have less symptoms this time, no heartburn yet, and very little bowel trouble. I do feel dizzy this pregnancy, though, which is kind of annoying, that one is new this time around.
And I know I should be grateful for what appears to be another low-risk, uncomplicated pregnancy. But it's hard to do when you feel like crap for a month and a half.
In a couple weeks I'm seeing a neurologist for what will probably be a "please give me narcs" appointment. But maybe he'll have a prophylactic that will work for migraines too. I got my first migraine with the strange aura yesterday. I only get auras during pregnancy and post partum. And only during the fourth month of pregnancy too, so weird. No one can explain that to me either.
I hate the lack of explanation. With how many people have migraines in this country, you'd think they'd know this stuff.
Screw that. Good riddance to that awful 1st trimester. For me it goes something like this:
Week 3-5: Cry a lot and not feel like myself.
Week 6: Start to feel like self again and less cry-y.
Week 6-12: Feel hung over for 6 weeks straight.
Of course, historically, what is next to come is:
Week 13-17: Have month-long migraine.
Then...
Week 18: Start leaking pee.
But NOTHING is more awful that nausea. If my pregnancies were unwanted, week 6 is when I would have ended both of them without any thought. Perhaps the nausea is to make me double check that I want another child.
And nothing gets rid of it completely for me. I even took Zofram. Fuck you Zofram, you barely did anything. Right now I feel 100% convinced that this will be our last kid, no way will I put myself through another pregnancy.
Last pregnancy I never really reached a point of liking the pregnancy. It was always in the way and causing me some kind of problem. I did not bond with my fetus very much at all. I just wanted to get it over with. I was hoping for this time to be different, but so far, not so much.
January can't get here fast enough. Even with how hard last post partum was, at least my body wasn't being invaded by an alien creature controlling every aspect of my body. I had my body back and saw good changes happening to it quickly. Plus I could take a shit load of Advil, no problems.
On a good note, I actually do have less symptoms this time, no heartburn yet, and very little bowel trouble. I do feel dizzy this pregnancy, though, which is kind of annoying, that one is new this time around.
And I know I should be grateful for what appears to be another low-risk, uncomplicated pregnancy. But it's hard to do when you feel like crap for a month and a half.
In a couple weeks I'm seeing a neurologist for what will probably be a "please give me narcs" appointment. But maybe he'll have a prophylactic that will work for migraines too. I got my first migraine with the strange aura yesterday. I only get auras during pregnancy and post partum. And only during the fourth month of pregnancy too, so weird. No one can explain that to me either.
I hate the lack of explanation. With how many people have migraines in this country, you'd think they'd know this stuff.
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