I haven't weaned my 40 month old son. I never thought I would nurse this long. Sometimes I'm so glad that I still do, other times I hate it so much. When I complain about it, mostly people tell me I should just stop. Just wean him. You'll both be better off. Sometimes I agree with them. But I can't do it yet. And I might be wrong, but I'm not ready to yet.
I'm not trying to prove anything anymore like I was in the first two years with my "not a drop of formula will be consumed" ideals. My goals are long, long, long ago met. Met well. I also have a 10 month old baby I am nursing. My goals with her are more hazy, as is everything with the second baby. She appears to be another very booby-loving baby, so will no doubt nurse for a long time if I let her. I don't ever plan on getting pregnant again, so I won't have to deal with the pain that pregnancy brings to nursing.
I don't stop because I am scared to stop. Nursing is what I know. It's what I do. It's the main part of my mothering those first couple of years.
And I already weaned him once. I did it already. And I don't regret it for a second, because my pain I was feeling was so great I could not go on anymore. Solidarity with anyone who quit over extreme pain, I understand, and I understand why you probably have no regrets about your choice to quit either.
But if I am to be completely honest, it was just a few months after this that my son came down with chronic congestion, and then a month later I caught his sleep apnea in action. I was 38 weeks pregnant with his sister. And when she was just three weeks old he was diagnosed with severe obstructive sleep apnea. I don't know if the two are related. But what if they are? He also gained no weight between 24 months and 30 months. Then when he relactched his weight picked up again.
Having a 2 year old have surgery when you are 1 month post partum was just so crazy. I barely remember February. I let him have all the milkies he wanted for a while, it was all he would eat or drink the first day after surgery. Then after he seemed like he recovered I cut him back. But I couldn't quit.
He screamed at me for days when I weaned the first time. How long this time from a much older, smarter boy? And what about his health now? We are still dealing with lots of congestion and allergies. When he has a cold, I hear signs of his apnea coming back temporarily. And his sister is still fed mostly on demand, which he sees. And he is still transitioning into being a big brother and what that all means. And I can tell he is jealous of her. He pretends to be the baby a lot. When I play with him one-on-one he often wants to be the baby, so that's how we play. So he can get extra attention and get his baby needs met. I feel like taking away his milkies now would only make this worse.
There is so much he doesn't get that his sister does. She gets to be in bed with us, she gets picked up more, she gets nursed to sleep, she needs more help with everything, she gets more attention because she needs more. He feels left out. We do our best to give him what he needs. I feel like weaning now would take away this need. Even though sometimes I hate it. Sometimes I tell him I want to stop it. He, of course, does not agree.
I never thought a 3.5 year old could love nursing so much. I once joked I loved it so much I would do it until he was five... well now five isn't so long from now. Five seemed like an eternity when he was 6 months old. It didn't seem possible, now it seems highly likely. The projection is looking like a kindergartener coming home for his snack of milkies after school.
At least it's still the best nutrition around for him. And sometimes I still do like it. I like that we connect this way. But I also like that I limit it to three times a day, usually. There is a lot of tough love from mommy around milkies. Lots of Nos. I can't handle a full on weaning right now. That sounds way more scary than nursing him another 3.5 years.
So we go on, and I'm sure I'll be told to wean many more times, and I can continue to not wean, or maybe I will wean sometime. I don't know. There is no plan, and that itself is empowering. To give up and let go of all semblance of power you think you have over it, because we have so little to begin with.
Saturday, December 6, 2014
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
Was it Better? Six Months Post Partum, the Second Time
Now that I am at the six month mark of being post partum I feel like I can finally look back and try to really see if everything was better this time. And contemplate why, or why not.
It was better, but it doesn't mean it wasn't also kind of bad. I still got the anxiety and the depression. I still felt suicidal a couple times. I flat out told my husband they better go find another mother, because I was done. Luckily those extremes only lasted about 30 mins at a time, but the extreme lows, where I really did want to leave my family behind because they were better off without me anyway, they happened.
But at the six months mark, it doesn't seem to matter. I was post partum, that was my normal for post partum. I still took good care of my kids, I didn't leave. I had much more help this time, more visitors, Brent took 5 weeks off of work. And I expected much less of myself. I expected to not do much besides keep the kids alive for the day. That helped. That was enough. That felt like enough. Some of the time.
And when it didn't the anxiety would creep in and I would know that I was fucking every thing up. Everything. And then I would take Klonopin, and suddenly not feel like I was fucking up everything. I could live. Sometimes I would put it off, and believe that I could be stronger than Klonopin, I could over come this with the power of my own mind. And then I would fail, and feel worse. And eventually be telling myself, "Andrea, you dumbass! You are NOT stronger than Klonopin! No one is stronger than Klonopin!"
But at the six month mark, I can honestly say I can't remember the last time I took Klonopin. It's possibly been a whole month now without it. I know I will take it again some day, as I have on and off for the last 15 years of my life. I'm finally accepting that this is probably who I am for the long haul. A woman with anxiety that creeps in every few months. Klonopin is an old drug, it's cheap, I sometimes wonder if the manufacturer will just stop making it someday, then what? Xanax made me MORE anxious, and basically made me never want to try any other med ever. I might not need it for another six months, maybe more, but I will need it again, and that's OK.
I entirely blame hormones on the post partum stuff. I remember saying many times when my first was a baby that the baby was totally fine, but it was all this other crap that was awful. The baby was never a problem. Both my babies were pretty easy. But life was not easy. I was not easy.
And it was less this time, still present, but the intensity was turned down. And even with my first I claimed that being pregnant was worse. Though, it wasn't really worse, just different, more physical symptoms. If anything, pregnancy taught me that I never want to lose function of my body, I never want to be disabled in some way. It made me want to take really good care of my body so I can always have control over it. In some ways this is a futile effort, as age, will someday slow me down, but I want this to be a long time from now.
I was not easy. I was so not a good friend when my first child was born. I couldn't be. I could sometimes find the energy to kind of care a little about my husband, but otherwise it was just me and the baby. I rememeber hanging out with friends during this time and just feeling like I was so incredibly boring and self-centered. And I really couldn't be anything else. I was ill. You can't be mentally ill and then also be charming and empathetic and a good listener. Not when you are deep down in it. And this only adds to the self-loathing. Crap, now I'm a bad friend too. What you find is your good friends are able to ride it out with you. Then months later they are like, "oh there you are!"
My words of advice to other new moms?
Your hormones are awful, but they aren't you, they are infecting you temporarily. Think of them like a nasty virus. They need treatment of some kind. If you have the anxiety kind, for godsake take some kind of benzo! You will feel better, and you can safely breastfeed on almost every med. You are not more powerful than your hormones! You cannot think your way out of your hormones. You cannot beat this alone!
I don't plan on ever having another post partum period. I think I did pretty well with this one considering. I enjoyed it more. I didn't freak out about going back to work. I didn't quit my job. I was ok about doing less. I accepted reality more. I slept better. I asked for more help when I needed it. I think maybe I grasped some of that bliss we are all hoping to find when our babies arrive.
It was better, but it doesn't mean it wasn't also kind of bad. I still got the anxiety and the depression. I still felt suicidal a couple times. I flat out told my husband they better go find another mother, because I was done. Luckily those extremes only lasted about 30 mins at a time, but the extreme lows, where I really did want to leave my family behind because they were better off without me anyway, they happened.
But at the six months mark, it doesn't seem to matter. I was post partum, that was my normal for post partum. I still took good care of my kids, I didn't leave. I had much more help this time, more visitors, Brent took 5 weeks off of work. And I expected much less of myself. I expected to not do much besides keep the kids alive for the day. That helped. That was enough. That felt like enough. Some of the time.
And when it didn't the anxiety would creep in and I would know that I was fucking every thing up. Everything. And then I would take Klonopin, and suddenly not feel like I was fucking up everything. I could live. Sometimes I would put it off, and believe that I could be stronger than Klonopin, I could over come this with the power of my own mind. And then I would fail, and feel worse. And eventually be telling myself, "Andrea, you dumbass! You are NOT stronger than Klonopin! No one is stronger than Klonopin!"
But at the six month mark, I can honestly say I can't remember the last time I took Klonopin. It's possibly been a whole month now without it. I know I will take it again some day, as I have on and off for the last 15 years of my life. I'm finally accepting that this is probably who I am for the long haul. A woman with anxiety that creeps in every few months. Klonopin is an old drug, it's cheap, I sometimes wonder if the manufacturer will just stop making it someday, then what? Xanax made me MORE anxious, and basically made me never want to try any other med ever. I might not need it for another six months, maybe more, but I will need it again, and that's OK.
I entirely blame hormones on the post partum stuff. I remember saying many times when my first was a baby that the baby was totally fine, but it was all this other crap that was awful. The baby was never a problem. Both my babies were pretty easy. But life was not easy. I was not easy.
And it was less this time, still present, but the intensity was turned down. And even with my first I claimed that being pregnant was worse. Though, it wasn't really worse, just different, more physical symptoms. If anything, pregnancy taught me that I never want to lose function of my body, I never want to be disabled in some way. It made me want to take really good care of my body so I can always have control over it. In some ways this is a futile effort, as age, will someday slow me down, but I want this to be a long time from now.
I was not easy. I was so not a good friend when my first child was born. I couldn't be. I could sometimes find the energy to kind of care a little about my husband, but otherwise it was just me and the baby. I rememeber hanging out with friends during this time and just feeling like I was so incredibly boring and self-centered. And I really couldn't be anything else. I was ill. You can't be mentally ill and then also be charming and empathetic and a good listener. Not when you are deep down in it. And this only adds to the self-loathing. Crap, now I'm a bad friend too. What you find is your good friends are able to ride it out with you. Then months later they are like, "oh there you are!"
My words of advice to other new moms?
Your hormones are awful, but they aren't you, they are infecting you temporarily. Think of them like a nasty virus. They need treatment of some kind. If you have the anxiety kind, for godsake take some kind of benzo! You will feel better, and you can safely breastfeed on almost every med. You are not more powerful than your hormones! You cannot think your way out of your hormones. You cannot beat this alone!
I don't plan on ever having another post partum period. I think I did pretty well with this one considering. I enjoyed it more. I didn't freak out about going back to work. I didn't quit my job. I was ok about doing less. I accepted reality more. I slept better. I asked for more help when I needed it. I think maybe I grasped some of that bliss we are all hoping to find when our babies arrive.
Wednesday, May 28, 2014
Quit with the "End the Mommy Wars" Crap!
OK, I can't take it anymore. The Mommy Wars. Not the actual Mommy Wars, but the campaign to end the Mommy Wars. Guess what, the Mommy Wars are largely a part of your imagination!
Today on the Facebook I came across another image of two mothers holding signs. You've probably seen them. Two mothers who did two different things with their kids and look they are in the same room together with out physically attacking each other! More women should be like this!
In this photo, one sign said "I had a natural home birth," and the other said, "I planned my C-section." And amazingly, these women are like, friends or something. They don't hate the other. *large eye roll*
I'm done with it. There are no Mommy Wars! There are assholes. There are people out there who will judge you and say stuff to your face about how you are doing the wrong thing, even when you are not. But the idea that us mommies, us crazy ladies, just can't stop warring with each other over our birth and pregnancy choices, or our infant feeding choices, and how we are all just a bunch of Judgy McJudersons and need to get over it. I'm going to take a stance that this isn't true!
What happens instead is that those who have actual expertise on birth or breastfeeding or child development are called out on being judgemental when they are, in fact, just giving out good information. And what happens is that when moms like me try to advocate for better birthing options, or ending Booby Traps to meeting breastfeeding goals, or give out info on car seat safety, we are told we are being judgmental.
I am NOT going to unconditionally support you, just because you are another mommy struggling in this world. Sorry. If you hit your kids and practice something unsafe, I'm not going to support you in that. When did support for mothers and parents turn to this idea that we can't call out bad stuff?
Sorry, formula feeding mothers, the reality is not that there are a bunch of breastfeeding mothers and doctors judging you. The reality is that you are in a majority. Although breastfeeding initiation rates are around 75%, making it to six months of exclusive breastfeeding is around 20%, meaning the vast majority of infants receive formula at some point. The reality is that mothers are rarely meeting their breastfeeding goals because bad info and support around breastfeeding is prolific.
I support every mother to reach whatever breastfeeding goal she has. Period. I DO NOT support people handing out bad breastfeeding information that undermines a mothers ability to reach her breastfeeding goals. Just as I support a woman's choice to birth her baby how she wants to, but DO NOT support bad birth information being spread around. Your decisions about what to do are your decisions. But inaccurate info is just that; stop making it about your decisions and taking it so personally. Guess what, we all make mistakes and do things that aren't great.
Mommy wars are an internal struggle many of us feel about not being good enough. This is inside our heads. Guilt comes from INTERNAL conflicts, not from other mothers shoving stuff in your face. Yes, there are assholes out there, and they are also struggling with their own internal crap. It's a tall order, but try to have some compassion for their struggles and then ignore the crap that comes out of their mouth and hang out with non-assholes.
I felt I was the most assholish in the first six months of my sons life... when I was suffering from a pretty bad case of post partum depression and anxiety. My internal struggles trumped anything else. I had to get those under control before I could start forming better relationships with just about everyone. If someone is chastising you in public because your baby doesn't have socks on (happened to me), this has way more to do with them than you. They are probably an asshole with a whole host of problems, and you are probably doing nothing wrong. This is not Mommy Wars.
You are in charge of your own feelings about your motherhood. No one can MAKE you feel guilty unless you let whatever they said get to you. If you are confident in your decisions, then the comments of others will not bother you, or you will have good facts and information that can back you up. If you lack this confidence in your decisions or feel lost and unsure of what to do, then you will feel bad at every comment. And then I highly suggest you go and find support from a doula, or a lactation expert, or a parenting group, or counselor.
Too many times I see people with good info being attacked because their info doesn't line up with what someone is currently doing or believing. I am going to continue to fight against barriers to breastfeeding, even if it makes you uncomfortable. I'm going to continue to fight for good birth choices, even if it bothers you. I'm going to fight for non-violent parenting practices, even if it bothers you. And I am not going to say that doing these things makes me part of the Mommy Wars.
Today on the Facebook I came across another image of two mothers holding signs. You've probably seen them. Two mothers who did two different things with their kids and look they are in the same room together with out physically attacking each other! More women should be like this!
In this photo, one sign said "I had a natural home birth," and the other said, "I planned my C-section." And amazingly, these women are like, friends or something. They don't hate the other. *large eye roll*
I'm done with it. There are no Mommy Wars! There are assholes. There are people out there who will judge you and say stuff to your face about how you are doing the wrong thing, even when you are not. But the idea that us mommies, us crazy ladies, just can't stop warring with each other over our birth and pregnancy choices, or our infant feeding choices, and how we are all just a bunch of Judgy McJudersons and need to get over it. I'm going to take a stance that this isn't true!
What happens instead is that those who have actual expertise on birth or breastfeeding or child development are called out on being judgemental when they are, in fact, just giving out good information. And what happens is that when moms like me try to advocate for better birthing options, or ending Booby Traps to meeting breastfeeding goals, or give out info on car seat safety, we are told we are being judgmental.
I am NOT going to unconditionally support you, just because you are another mommy struggling in this world. Sorry. If you hit your kids and practice something unsafe, I'm not going to support you in that. When did support for mothers and parents turn to this idea that we can't call out bad stuff?
Sorry, formula feeding mothers, the reality is not that there are a bunch of breastfeeding mothers and doctors judging you. The reality is that you are in a majority. Although breastfeeding initiation rates are around 75%, making it to six months of exclusive breastfeeding is around 20%, meaning the vast majority of infants receive formula at some point. The reality is that mothers are rarely meeting their breastfeeding goals because bad info and support around breastfeeding is prolific.
I support every mother to reach whatever breastfeeding goal she has. Period. I DO NOT support people handing out bad breastfeeding information that undermines a mothers ability to reach her breastfeeding goals. Just as I support a woman's choice to birth her baby how she wants to, but DO NOT support bad birth information being spread around. Your decisions about what to do are your decisions. But inaccurate info is just that; stop making it about your decisions and taking it so personally. Guess what, we all make mistakes and do things that aren't great.
Mommy wars are an internal struggle many of us feel about not being good enough. This is inside our heads. Guilt comes from INTERNAL conflicts, not from other mothers shoving stuff in your face. Yes, there are assholes out there, and they are also struggling with their own internal crap. It's a tall order, but try to have some compassion for their struggles and then ignore the crap that comes out of their mouth and hang out with non-assholes.
I felt I was the most assholish in the first six months of my sons life... when I was suffering from a pretty bad case of post partum depression and anxiety. My internal struggles trumped anything else. I had to get those under control before I could start forming better relationships with just about everyone. If someone is chastising you in public because your baby doesn't have socks on (happened to me), this has way more to do with them than you. They are probably an asshole with a whole host of problems, and you are probably doing nothing wrong. This is not Mommy Wars.
You are in charge of your own feelings about your motherhood. No one can MAKE you feel guilty unless you let whatever they said get to you. If you are confident in your decisions, then the comments of others will not bother you, or you will have good facts and information that can back you up. If you lack this confidence in your decisions or feel lost and unsure of what to do, then you will feel bad at every comment. And then I highly suggest you go and find support from a doula, or a lactation expert, or a parenting group, or counselor.
Too many times I see people with good info being attacked because their info doesn't line up with what someone is currently doing or believing. I am going to continue to fight against barriers to breastfeeding, even if it makes you uncomfortable. I'm going to continue to fight for good birth choices, even if it bothers you. I'm going to fight for non-violent parenting practices, even if it bothers you. And I am not going to say that doing these things makes me part of the Mommy Wars.
Monday, March 3, 2014
More on My Home Birth
OK, I don't think my birth story really got down to how awesome it was to give birth at home.
From my experience I gotta say, if you can have a home birth, OMG, have a home birth! Do it, try it, pay extra if you need to. Birth at home, it's amazing and relaxing, and people come to you! And it has something like a 6% C-section rate, an awesome way to avoid one of those.
My home birth midwives were able to do everything my hospital midwives were able to do during my pregnancy. We have to get over this idea that a home birth equals an unassisted birth, or a birth with non-professionals who don't know how to do anything.
When I had some alarming symptoms in my late pregnancy, they were able to do tests for pre-eclampsia, they even made special house calls to draw blood and drop off other things I needed. I got tested for GBS by them and they would have done other tests had I thought they were necessary. I felt very well cared for during my pregnancy. They were also fine with me having my PCP work with me for help with my migraines and anxiety during pregnancy. And in those last few weeks when water retention got bad and I felt awful they said they would accompany me to the hospital for an induction if it was what I wanted. I told them I wasn't to that point yet. They were extremely professional and knowledgeable.
They also bring like three huge bags of medical equipment and other things with them to the birth. I remember hearing them testing the oxygen tanks when they first arrived. I think some home birth midwives can even do IVs (not sure if mine could, but I doubted it would be needed for me). When my bleeding wouldn't stop they had pitocin injections available, when the pitocin didn't do the trick, they had Cytotec to give me and another med available as well. Ultimately what they gave me stopped the bleeding, it just took a bit longer than expected. One midwife I interviewed told me they bring all the equipment that a rural hospital would have on hand. They are trained in neonatal resuscitation. I was never afraid of giving birth at home as far as medical things go.
Because I must repeat, I chose a home birth because I thought it was the safest place for me to give birth given my history and health and how my pregnancy was progressing. I in no way chose it as a gamble on my life or my baby's life in order to have some romanticized version of a birth.
And birth kind of sucks. I'm not going to lie. If you want a natural birth, you really have to commit to it and stay committed. And if you stay home, it has to be natural. For this birth I was able to use the birthing tub and be submerged in nice warm water... and it still hurt, a lot. I told my midwives that I know why people choose to have planned c-sections. I know why people want epidurals, I know why, but I just couldn't, not with the knowledge I had about the risks of them. And I don't have quick births, my second child came out after 10.5 hours of labor, not super slow, but not fast. My first was 24.5 hours.
During the labor, I hated it; but looking back, it is amazing. I do not feel the same way about pregnancy, during it, it sucked; and looking back I'm certain I never want to be pregnant ever again. If I could just give birth one day and never be pregnant, I might have a third kid.
Compared to my hospital birth, my home birth was way more relaxed. Nothing was demanded of me, I was asked, and although I almost always said yes, if I said no, it was respected. No hospital tags were put on, no mandatory hook up to a monitor for twenty minutes to *make sure* I was really in labor. No cervical checks until I told them I wanted to be checked. No crazy restrictions about when I was allowed in the tub. No one tried to convince me to get the vitamin K shot when I declined it. They believed me when I said I didn't have chlamydia. No one freaked out about me delaying the Hep B vaccine.
And when my water broke before labor began, it was no big deal, I was told to stay home, stay clean and that we could wait a couple days if needed. Luckily we only had to wait about five hours. When I got stuck in transitional labor for about 3 1/2 hours, no one claimed I was failing to progress, I progressed and pushed my baby out in 30 mins.
And the midwives did the newborn exam right there at home, and they visited me a day later and at day 3 and at day 7 and at day 14, all in my home, they were able to do all the same screenings I would have gotten in the hospital. They did the hearing exam, the pulse-oximeter, and pricked my baby's heel to check for genetic disorders. They weighed the baby and it showed she was gaining weight well. I felt I was in better hands than when in the hospital, and there were no random offers to take my baby to the nursery even though it was clearly stated on my birth plan that we'd be rooming in.
I really do think the care I got and that my daughter got was better than with my hospital birth. Plus no risk of picking up an infection, no where to drive for weeks, and no hospital policy to put up with. I got to have a say, my point of view was respected, I was assumed to be smart and acting in my best interests. This is probably the biggest thing that helped me have an awesome birth. The midwives knew me and I knew them, no strangers were at my birth, we were all there with mutual respect and trust in one an other, which is what you really want in a birth team.
So I know at least one person who is reading this is thinking about having a home birth, I was once like you and I didn't have the support and I ended up choosing a hospital birth and still regret it. I went with my gut and had a home birth with my second and it was amazing, and your home birth, if you find a good midwife, will probably be amazing too. Do it, screw the critics and just do it, plan a home birth! Your births are carried around with you for the rest of your life, something you don't really get until after you give birth. Make it awesome!
From my experience I gotta say, if you can have a home birth, OMG, have a home birth! Do it, try it, pay extra if you need to. Birth at home, it's amazing and relaxing, and people come to you! And it has something like a 6% C-section rate, an awesome way to avoid one of those.
My home birth midwives were able to do everything my hospital midwives were able to do during my pregnancy. We have to get over this idea that a home birth equals an unassisted birth, or a birth with non-professionals who don't know how to do anything.
When I had some alarming symptoms in my late pregnancy, they were able to do tests for pre-eclampsia, they even made special house calls to draw blood and drop off other things I needed. I got tested for GBS by them and they would have done other tests had I thought they were necessary. I felt very well cared for during my pregnancy. They were also fine with me having my PCP work with me for help with my migraines and anxiety during pregnancy. And in those last few weeks when water retention got bad and I felt awful they said they would accompany me to the hospital for an induction if it was what I wanted. I told them I wasn't to that point yet. They were extremely professional and knowledgeable.
They also bring like three huge bags of medical equipment and other things with them to the birth. I remember hearing them testing the oxygen tanks when they first arrived. I think some home birth midwives can even do IVs (not sure if mine could, but I doubted it would be needed for me). When my bleeding wouldn't stop they had pitocin injections available, when the pitocin didn't do the trick, they had Cytotec to give me and another med available as well. Ultimately what they gave me stopped the bleeding, it just took a bit longer than expected. One midwife I interviewed told me they bring all the equipment that a rural hospital would have on hand. They are trained in neonatal resuscitation. I was never afraid of giving birth at home as far as medical things go.
Because I must repeat, I chose a home birth because I thought it was the safest place for me to give birth given my history and health and how my pregnancy was progressing. I in no way chose it as a gamble on my life or my baby's life in order to have some romanticized version of a birth.
And birth kind of sucks. I'm not going to lie. If you want a natural birth, you really have to commit to it and stay committed. And if you stay home, it has to be natural. For this birth I was able to use the birthing tub and be submerged in nice warm water... and it still hurt, a lot. I told my midwives that I know why people choose to have planned c-sections. I know why people want epidurals, I know why, but I just couldn't, not with the knowledge I had about the risks of them. And I don't have quick births, my second child came out after 10.5 hours of labor, not super slow, but not fast. My first was 24.5 hours.
During the labor, I hated it; but looking back, it is amazing. I do not feel the same way about pregnancy, during it, it sucked; and looking back I'm certain I never want to be pregnant ever again. If I could just give birth one day and never be pregnant, I might have a third kid.
Compared to my hospital birth, my home birth was way more relaxed. Nothing was demanded of me, I was asked, and although I almost always said yes, if I said no, it was respected. No hospital tags were put on, no mandatory hook up to a monitor for twenty minutes to *make sure* I was really in labor. No cervical checks until I told them I wanted to be checked. No crazy restrictions about when I was allowed in the tub. No one tried to convince me to get the vitamin K shot when I declined it. They believed me when I said I didn't have chlamydia. No one freaked out about me delaying the Hep B vaccine.
And when my water broke before labor began, it was no big deal, I was told to stay home, stay clean and that we could wait a couple days if needed. Luckily we only had to wait about five hours. When I got stuck in transitional labor for about 3 1/2 hours, no one claimed I was failing to progress, I progressed and pushed my baby out in 30 mins.
And the midwives did the newborn exam right there at home, and they visited me a day later and at day 3 and at day 7 and at day 14, all in my home, they were able to do all the same screenings I would have gotten in the hospital. They did the hearing exam, the pulse-oximeter, and pricked my baby's heel to check for genetic disorders. They weighed the baby and it showed she was gaining weight well. I felt I was in better hands than when in the hospital, and there were no random offers to take my baby to the nursery even though it was clearly stated on my birth plan that we'd be rooming in.
I really do think the care I got and that my daughter got was better than with my hospital birth. Plus no risk of picking up an infection, no where to drive for weeks, and no hospital policy to put up with. I got to have a say, my point of view was respected, I was assumed to be smart and acting in my best interests. This is probably the biggest thing that helped me have an awesome birth. The midwives knew me and I knew them, no strangers were at my birth, we were all there with mutual respect and trust in one an other, which is what you really want in a birth team.
So I know at least one person who is reading this is thinking about having a home birth, I was once like you and I didn't have the support and I ended up choosing a hospital birth and still regret it. I went with my gut and had a home birth with my second and it was amazing, and your home birth, if you find a good midwife, will probably be amazing too. Do it, screw the critics and just do it, plan a home birth! Your births are carried around with you for the rest of your life, something you don't really get until after you give birth. Make it awesome!
Saturday, January 18, 2014
Birth of Viveca!
3:00 pm- Standing in the kitchen heating up Mac and cheese for my toddler I feel a small gush of liquid come out of me. I check it in the bathroom and think maybe baby pressed on my bladder.
Over the course of a couple hours I notice I am going through panty liners way quicker than before. I start to think that my water has broke. I call one of my midwives who tells me to lay down for 20 mins and then get up and see if it gushes out again. She also tells me she is about to head over to another birth.
6:30 pm I get up to get the Chinese food I've had delivered and as me and my toddler sit at the table to eat it more amniotic fluid leaks out. I call my husband and midwife back to tell them the news that my waters are broken. No meconium this time, yay. I am told to stay home and wait for contractions to start.
I also text my friend who is on her way home from San Diego, I hope she makes it back in time to attend my birth.
8:00 pm Contractions start, they are about ten minutes apart. I call my husband and tell him to start on his way home. We have begun early labor!
9:30 pm husband arrives home and contractions are a bit stronger. He starts getting our toddler ready for bed while I start setting up the house for birth, laying down the tarp, inflating the pool, gathering supplies.
11:00 or so. My friend arrives! Contractions are getting a bit closer together and stronger, she puts counter pressure on my back to help ease contractions. Our toddler is asleep and will amazingly start asleep through the entire labor and birth.
12:30 am Contractions are now about 4 or 5 mins apart so I call the midwives to come. We have entered active labor! More owie, I start to have doubts about getting through it again.
1 am Midwives arrive and shortly after we start filling the birth tub.
2 am or so. I get into tub and cry a lot. Midwives tell me it's very normal to cry during this stage of labor and not really know why. I am filled with so many emotions about meeting my baby soon and fears about birth.
Sometime between 2 and 3 am. Contraction get really freaking strong and come one on top of the other. Transitional labor time. I get really nauseated and only want water, though I force myself to try some juice and honey for energy. I demand counter pressure for every contraction and become very vocal during them. I swear and regularly try to empty my bladder. Sometimes I need to get out and sit on the toilet before my body will pee. I need to pee to make more room for baby to come out.
Sometime around 4 or 5 am. I feel like something is wrong. I kind of want to push, but feel like I can't. I have this feeling that I have been in this hard stage of labor for way too long. I have the midwives check me and they say I still have a bit of cervix left to melt away. I labor out of the tub for a while, trying to get gravity to work for me. I even go up and down the stairs. They have me do lunges during contractions to try to get that cervix to open.
A little before 6 am. They check me again and say there is just a bit of cervix in the front left. Midwives tell me to get on my hands and knees in the tub. I do this for a few contractions and I remember distinctly hating everyone in the room because I wanted to be anyone but me right now. Then suddenly I want to push, I want to push hard. I squat or kneel in the tub and push, I push so hard, I want this to be over.
After a bit of pushing I can feel that baby is about to be born. She's coming, I announce. One of my midwives guides her out, she tells me she is passing the baby to me between my legs. I reach down and pull my baby daughter out of the water and hold her immediately to my chest and sit down in amazement. 6:23 am.
I can feel the cord pulling and I tell them the cord is short. Maybe this is why she took so long to transition. Although, ideally I'd like to keep the cord in place until after the placenta is born I know the cord is too short for me to be able to pass the baby to anyone to birth the placenta. We wait until the cord stops pulsing and cut it.
I then get out of the tub and move to the futon and birth the placenta while my husband holds the baby skin to skin.
Baby is given back to me and I hold her and slowly coax her on to my breast, it takes an hour or so, but eventually she is latched on and nursing for the first time.
Over all a hard, but very satisfactory birthing experience. No tears this time, I think, thanks to the tub and my vertical pushing position.
More later on the adventure after birth!
Over the course of a couple hours I notice I am going through panty liners way quicker than before. I start to think that my water has broke. I call one of my midwives who tells me to lay down for 20 mins and then get up and see if it gushes out again. She also tells me she is about to head over to another birth.
6:30 pm I get up to get the Chinese food I've had delivered and as me and my toddler sit at the table to eat it more amniotic fluid leaks out. I call my husband and midwife back to tell them the news that my waters are broken. No meconium this time, yay. I am told to stay home and wait for contractions to start.
I also text my friend who is on her way home from San Diego, I hope she makes it back in time to attend my birth.
8:00 pm Contractions start, they are about ten minutes apart. I call my husband and tell him to start on his way home. We have begun early labor!
9:30 pm husband arrives home and contractions are a bit stronger. He starts getting our toddler ready for bed while I start setting up the house for birth, laying down the tarp, inflating the pool, gathering supplies.
11:00 or so. My friend arrives! Contractions are getting a bit closer together and stronger, she puts counter pressure on my back to help ease contractions. Our toddler is asleep and will amazingly start asleep through the entire labor and birth.
12:30 am Contractions are now about 4 or 5 mins apart so I call the midwives to come. We have entered active labor! More owie, I start to have doubts about getting through it again.
1 am Midwives arrive and shortly after we start filling the birth tub.
2 am or so. I get into tub and cry a lot. Midwives tell me it's very normal to cry during this stage of labor and not really know why. I am filled with so many emotions about meeting my baby soon and fears about birth.
Sometime between 2 and 3 am. Contraction get really freaking strong and come one on top of the other. Transitional labor time. I get really nauseated and only want water, though I force myself to try some juice and honey for energy. I demand counter pressure for every contraction and become very vocal during them. I swear and regularly try to empty my bladder. Sometimes I need to get out and sit on the toilet before my body will pee. I need to pee to make more room for baby to come out.
Sometime around 4 or 5 am. I feel like something is wrong. I kind of want to push, but feel like I can't. I have this feeling that I have been in this hard stage of labor for way too long. I have the midwives check me and they say I still have a bit of cervix left to melt away. I labor out of the tub for a while, trying to get gravity to work for me. I even go up and down the stairs. They have me do lunges during contractions to try to get that cervix to open.
A little before 6 am. They check me again and say there is just a bit of cervix in the front left. Midwives tell me to get on my hands and knees in the tub. I do this for a few contractions and I remember distinctly hating everyone in the room because I wanted to be anyone but me right now. Then suddenly I want to push, I want to push hard. I squat or kneel in the tub and push, I push so hard, I want this to be over.
After a bit of pushing I can feel that baby is about to be born. She's coming, I announce. One of my midwives guides her out, she tells me she is passing the baby to me between my legs. I reach down and pull my baby daughter out of the water and hold her immediately to my chest and sit down in amazement. 6:23 am.
I can feel the cord pulling and I tell them the cord is short. Maybe this is why she took so long to transition. Although, ideally I'd like to keep the cord in place until after the placenta is born I know the cord is too short for me to be able to pass the baby to anyone to birth the placenta. We wait until the cord stops pulsing and cut it.
I then get out of the tub and move to the futon and birth the placenta while my husband holds the baby skin to skin.
Baby is given back to me and I hold her and slowly coax her on to my breast, it takes an hour or so, but eventually she is latched on and nursing for the first time.
Over all a hard, but very satisfactory birthing experience. No tears this time, I think, thanks to the tub and my vertical pushing position.
More later on the adventure after birth!
Friday, December 13, 2013
Obligatory Thanksgiving Post
Some of you kept up all month writing something you are thankful for every day. I'm not like that I cram them in all at once. I came up with 13 and that's good enough.
I am thankful for:
1. My husband: Seriously every single day I have had him in my life I have felt deep gratitude. I only hope he feels the same way, otherwise I need to get my act together.
2. My 2 year-old son. He teaches me something new every day, mostly to relax and smell the roses and to slow down and be calm. He's also a constant reminder that we have zero control over other people in our lives.
3. My ability to do jobs most people don't want: I've pretty much always worked with difficult humans in some sense. I've somehow mastered the art of being yelled at and sworn at and having things go terribly wrong in public and been able to deal with it well 99% of the time. I actually have learned to like it, as long as I have a good organization supporting me that doesn't expect me to be a miracle worker (doesn't always happen), I'll take a difficult client and roll with the punches.
4. My fertility: We could have hand-picked the months we wanted our children to be born in if we had wanted to.
5. The Twin Cities: I was moved here when I was two and a half and both my parents are from MN, so really this was sheer luck. But I feel that it's probably in the top three places in the US to live. Especially fond of Minneapolis itself. I don't even think I'd consider moving to St. Paul at this point, I'm too in love with Minneapolis.
6. Running: I never thought I would be a runner and then one day I decided to try and I found that I like it, plus it keeps me strong and fit when I do it.
7. My baby girl: I was actually on my knees praying for a healthy girl when we were trying to conceive this pregnancy and the spirits delivered. I love my son more than I ever thought I could love anyone, but I really wanted a girl too and was not too keen on the idea of having three kids. Though she's not out yet, we could still have a surprise boy.
8. The good friends I've slowly collected over the years: I'm often amazed that you all like me and want to spend time with me. More than anything else you all keep me from indulging in my escapist fantasies of moving to another state.
9. My access to good health care: I've never been without health insurance and this is from sheer good luck. I don't hesitate to make an appointment or head to the hospital when I need to. This is a luxury in the world. I've also managed to find some incredible doctors and midwives who have supported my wishes and treated me well. It makes dealing with the bad ones that much easier.
10. Our finances: Neither of us make a lot, but due to some lucky timing and family help only one of us has student loan debt, we have a duplex that brings in income, and we've hardly paid for any childcare. On paper we should be doing worse than we are, but we've even been able to save money in the last few years. It also helps that neither of us are big spenders and we're both on the same page as far are financial goals go. We've never fought about money.
11. Socialist Alternative: I would feel lost in the world without socialism. It's like my religion, it makes me not feel like such a weirdo for actually having deep faith in humanity and wanting everyone to thrive in the world. Like Che said, I do believe that revolutions come from deep feelings of love. Someday I will do more with them, or at least send them more money.
12. My intelligence: I'm far from genius, and I've basically had to tell my husband that no matter how much he tries to explain the stock market to me, I'm not going to absorb it. But I've been told by three different supervisors now that I catch on to jobs quickly and that they don't really have to worry about me. I remember a lot and do well in school. I used to actually hate that people kept telling me how smart I was, because I didn't think being smart was actually making my life any easier (harder if anything because of the EXPECTATIONS), but I've learned to love this gift and realize it's limitations too. You can't smart your way into happiness, at least not all the way.
13. My growing spirituality: Ever since my son was born, I've felt this connection to something bigger in the universe, I don't know what it is and probably never will, but it's nice that it is there. And I don't think it goes against anything scientific either as we don't know everything about the human mind or the universe yet. I believe we can "know" something without scientific proof of it's existence. I think someday science and the spiritual world will overlap significantly; I just have this feeling.
I am thankful for:
1. My husband: Seriously every single day I have had him in my life I have felt deep gratitude. I only hope he feels the same way, otherwise I need to get my act together.
2. My 2 year-old son. He teaches me something new every day, mostly to relax and smell the roses and to slow down and be calm. He's also a constant reminder that we have zero control over other people in our lives.
3. My ability to do jobs most people don't want: I've pretty much always worked with difficult humans in some sense. I've somehow mastered the art of being yelled at and sworn at and having things go terribly wrong in public and been able to deal with it well 99% of the time. I actually have learned to like it, as long as I have a good organization supporting me that doesn't expect me to be a miracle worker (doesn't always happen), I'll take a difficult client and roll with the punches.
4. My fertility: We could have hand-picked the months we wanted our children to be born in if we had wanted to.
5. The Twin Cities: I was moved here when I was two and a half and both my parents are from MN, so really this was sheer luck. But I feel that it's probably in the top three places in the US to live. Especially fond of Minneapolis itself. I don't even think I'd consider moving to St. Paul at this point, I'm too in love with Minneapolis.
6. Running: I never thought I would be a runner and then one day I decided to try and I found that I like it, plus it keeps me strong and fit when I do it.
7. My baby girl: I was actually on my knees praying for a healthy girl when we were trying to conceive this pregnancy and the spirits delivered. I love my son more than I ever thought I could love anyone, but I really wanted a girl too and was not too keen on the idea of having three kids. Though she's not out yet, we could still have a surprise boy.
8. The good friends I've slowly collected over the years: I'm often amazed that you all like me and want to spend time with me. More than anything else you all keep me from indulging in my escapist fantasies of moving to another state.
9. My access to good health care: I've never been without health insurance and this is from sheer good luck. I don't hesitate to make an appointment or head to the hospital when I need to. This is a luxury in the world. I've also managed to find some incredible doctors and midwives who have supported my wishes and treated me well. It makes dealing with the bad ones that much easier.
10. Our finances: Neither of us make a lot, but due to some lucky timing and family help only one of us has student loan debt, we have a duplex that brings in income, and we've hardly paid for any childcare. On paper we should be doing worse than we are, but we've even been able to save money in the last few years. It also helps that neither of us are big spenders and we're both on the same page as far are financial goals go. We've never fought about money.
11. Socialist Alternative: I would feel lost in the world without socialism. It's like my religion, it makes me not feel like such a weirdo for actually having deep faith in humanity and wanting everyone to thrive in the world. Like Che said, I do believe that revolutions come from deep feelings of love. Someday I will do more with them, or at least send them more money.
12. My intelligence: I'm far from genius, and I've basically had to tell my husband that no matter how much he tries to explain the stock market to me, I'm not going to absorb it. But I've been told by three different supervisors now that I catch on to jobs quickly and that they don't really have to worry about me. I remember a lot and do well in school. I used to actually hate that people kept telling me how smart I was, because I didn't think being smart was actually making my life any easier (harder if anything because of the EXPECTATIONS), but I've learned to love this gift and realize it's limitations too. You can't smart your way into happiness, at least not all the way.
13. My growing spirituality: Ever since my son was born, I've felt this connection to something bigger in the universe, I don't know what it is and probably never will, but it's nice that it is there. And I don't think it goes against anything scientific either as we don't know everything about the human mind or the universe yet. I believe we can "know" something without scientific proof of it's existence. I think someday science and the spiritual world will overlap significantly; I just have this feeling.
Saturday, December 7, 2013
Will it Be Better This Time?
I've had some mental illness in my life, but nothing compared to how horrible I felt after the birth of my first child. I got hit hard with the baby blues at about 3 days post partum and it got much better after 3 weeks and then turned into more of a low-grade depression with acute anxiety symptoms that slowly got better over the course of about a year. But those first three weeks were awful.
I've been reading "What am I Thinking?: Having a Baby After Post-Partum Depression." I recommend this book! But it's been making me remember just how bad it was. Firstly let me say that it's a myth that those of us who have PPD want to hurt our babies. We are actually terrified we WILL hurt our babies or our babies will get hurt, but we generally don't hurt them.
It wasn't just hard. I felt like I could NOT do it. I felt like I could not be a mother, ever. And yet here I was STUCK as a mother for the rest of my life. I thought of all the things that could hurt my precious newborn and could not imagine that he would live through the week. Cars would drive by our house and scare me because I was sure they were going to somehow crash into us. I grabbed my husband and asked him over and over to promise me we would never hurt him. I also told my husband that I COULDN'T DO THIS.
I wanted to die, I wanted to die so badly, but I loved my baby so much and I realised how much he depended on me, how bad his life would be without me, how big of a loss I would be to him and I felt trapped. Trapped on Earth, so much wanting to leave but so much unable to ever leave it because I knew I could never do that to my child.
I never had love hurt that badly. And I wondered if I would ever feel happy again, or if now that I was a mother, I was ruined forever, always to feel depressed and anxious, never getting relief until the day I died. I couldn't handle anyone talking the slightest bit negatively about any baby or child or any stories about childhood that were anything but 100% awesome. Because anything less than perfect terrified me. My brain took it to the next level. The mention of me being put in an infant seat on a table made me see babies falling to their deaths from tables. The thought of any baby getting hurt was too much for me to handle. Don't those mothers feel what I feel? I thought. Why would anyone not protect their baby 100%?! I couldn't handle it. I became the most judgemental person in the world. I loved my baby too much if anything, how could others abandon or hurt theirs?
I also couldn't make simple decisions. I told my husband to bring me food. I could not decide on which food to eat. What to pack in the diaper bag seemed excruciatingly hard to figure out. I had panic attacks over being out of the house without the right stuff.
But I had to get out of the house, I was going insane staying in my house. I needed to see the great outdoors, even though they frightened me. So I went out and cried. I cried at a baby shower, I cried at Target, I cried in the car a lot. I couldn't not respond to my infant, we pulled the car over once to nurse him because I was freaking out and couldn't handle him having to wait 5 mins. I was ultra responsive. I couldn't understand how anyone could leave their baby to cry for even 10 seconds. I couldn't be out of sight of him either without crying. And I couldn't sleep without him being right next to me (this lasted for the whole year actually). I couldn't imagine being able to handle a cold or mastitis or an ear infection. It was hard enough with a happy, healthy baby, how would I ever cope if he got sick?
I had a deep primal need to be with him and care for him, something I think was actually a very good thing. And I'm glad I gave in to the instinct. I think the reason we did so well overall is that I was holding him all the time and nursing all the time, he was very well cared for, he thrived, even though his mom was not. I also say that he was a pretty easy baby those first couple months, I never wasn't able to calm him for the most part (except for the over-active let down I had to deal with).
Breastfeeding was a great comfort for me. It calmed me down, it released great hormones, it was almost as good as an anti-anxiety med. I had a strong reaction to it in the first couple weeks, it was hard to stay awake while nursing.
It slowly got better. The hormones slowly got back into place. I ended up with worse PMS then I had before, maybe a relic to the post partum period.
So will it be better this time? I have hope it will. For one, I know I can get through it. I also know what to expect. I know that I possibly won't feel like myself for about a year. There are less unknowns this time. I quit my job at 5 months post partum last time, I think partially because I was having PPD. Interviewing while post partum felt so strange. This time I have every intention of staying with the job I have now, which is part time. I also had a really hard time calling anyone last time, and was very sad no one called me (I actually thought it showed what a horrible person and friend I was). This time I'm going to try my best to call people when I need them.
But I also will have two kids this time. And this baby could be more fussy. This baby could be ill more. Something outside of my control could be worse. And my two year old is who I worry about the most. How will he handle a mom who cries randomly? Will I scare him? Will I be unable to meet his needs? Will I even be able to supervise him properly? Will he try to hurt the baby? How will I react to that?
And the other part is, will others understand? Will others get why I'm not letting them hold my baby for very long? Will they understand why I'm so irritable and not fun? Will they even like me after seeing me in my post partum state?
I also have to throw in there how amazing my husband was through all of this last time. He never reacted badly to my moodiness, he gave me unwavering reassurance. He was my rock. He did what I told him to do. He took care of me. I knew I could put our baby in his arms and go hide in the bathroom for 10 mins and everything would be fine. He never once told me to get over it. He held me while I sobbed about how horrible the entire world was. I'm not sure I would be here today without him. I told him, only half joking, that he had two babies to care for right now. I really believe I needed almost that level of care to get through it.
I'm so glad I allowed myself to be needy and demanding, I think it helped me greatly. I hated it, I have an independent streak, at least this time I know I REALLY need help. Not enough attention is given to the post partum period. It was hard to walk for a couple weeks. My body didn't feel normal for about 6 months and then only somewhat normal. I really felt I couldn't drive for about 3 weeks. The physical stuff alone is enough to require care for a good month with a normal vaginal birth. I plan on trying to stay in bed for a good week this time, and only go on short trips or do easy chores for the first three weeks. I'm going to try to feel better about doing less, and try to enjoy it.
I fully expect to get PPD again, but I think I'm better prepared this time around. Maybe it will be better.
I've been reading "What am I Thinking?: Having a Baby After Post-Partum Depression." I recommend this book! But it's been making me remember just how bad it was. Firstly let me say that it's a myth that those of us who have PPD want to hurt our babies. We are actually terrified we WILL hurt our babies or our babies will get hurt, but we generally don't hurt them.
It wasn't just hard. I felt like I could NOT do it. I felt like I could not be a mother, ever. And yet here I was STUCK as a mother for the rest of my life. I thought of all the things that could hurt my precious newborn and could not imagine that he would live through the week. Cars would drive by our house and scare me because I was sure they were going to somehow crash into us. I grabbed my husband and asked him over and over to promise me we would never hurt him. I also told my husband that I COULDN'T DO THIS.
I wanted to die, I wanted to die so badly, but I loved my baby so much and I realised how much he depended on me, how bad his life would be without me, how big of a loss I would be to him and I felt trapped. Trapped on Earth, so much wanting to leave but so much unable to ever leave it because I knew I could never do that to my child.
I never had love hurt that badly. And I wondered if I would ever feel happy again, or if now that I was a mother, I was ruined forever, always to feel depressed and anxious, never getting relief until the day I died. I couldn't handle anyone talking the slightest bit negatively about any baby or child or any stories about childhood that were anything but 100% awesome. Because anything less than perfect terrified me. My brain took it to the next level. The mention of me being put in an infant seat on a table made me see babies falling to their deaths from tables. The thought of any baby getting hurt was too much for me to handle. Don't those mothers feel what I feel? I thought. Why would anyone not protect their baby 100%?! I couldn't handle it. I became the most judgemental person in the world. I loved my baby too much if anything, how could others abandon or hurt theirs?
I also couldn't make simple decisions. I told my husband to bring me food. I could not decide on which food to eat. What to pack in the diaper bag seemed excruciatingly hard to figure out. I had panic attacks over being out of the house without the right stuff.
But I had to get out of the house, I was going insane staying in my house. I needed to see the great outdoors, even though they frightened me. So I went out and cried. I cried at a baby shower, I cried at Target, I cried in the car a lot. I couldn't not respond to my infant, we pulled the car over once to nurse him because I was freaking out and couldn't handle him having to wait 5 mins. I was ultra responsive. I couldn't understand how anyone could leave their baby to cry for even 10 seconds. I couldn't be out of sight of him either without crying. And I couldn't sleep without him being right next to me (this lasted for the whole year actually). I couldn't imagine being able to handle a cold or mastitis or an ear infection. It was hard enough with a happy, healthy baby, how would I ever cope if he got sick?
I had a deep primal need to be with him and care for him, something I think was actually a very good thing. And I'm glad I gave in to the instinct. I think the reason we did so well overall is that I was holding him all the time and nursing all the time, he was very well cared for, he thrived, even though his mom was not. I also say that he was a pretty easy baby those first couple months, I never wasn't able to calm him for the most part (except for the over-active let down I had to deal with).
Breastfeeding was a great comfort for me. It calmed me down, it released great hormones, it was almost as good as an anti-anxiety med. I had a strong reaction to it in the first couple weeks, it was hard to stay awake while nursing.
It slowly got better. The hormones slowly got back into place. I ended up with worse PMS then I had before, maybe a relic to the post partum period.
So will it be better this time? I have hope it will. For one, I know I can get through it. I also know what to expect. I know that I possibly won't feel like myself for about a year. There are less unknowns this time. I quit my job at 5 months post partum last time, I think partially because I was having PPD. Interviewing while post partum felt so strange. This time I have every intention of staying with the job I have now, which is part time. I also had a really hard time calling anyone last time, and was very sad no one called me (I actually thought it showed what a horrible person and friend I was). This time I'm going to try my best to call people when I need them.
But I also will have two kids this time. And this baby could be more fussy. This baby could be ill more. Something outside of my control could be worse. And my two year old is who I worry about the most. How will he handle a mom who cries randomly? Will I scare him? Will I be unable to meet his needs? Will I even be able to supervise him properly? Will he try to hurt the baby? How will I react to that?
And the other part is, will others understand? Will others get why I'm not letting them hold my baby for very long? Will they understand why I'm so irritable and not fun? Will they even like me after seeing me in my post partum state?
I also have to throw in there how amazing my husband was through all of this last time. He never reacted badly to my moodiness, he gave me unwavering reassurance. He was my rock. He did what I told him to do. He took care of me. I knew I could put our baby in his arms and go hide in the bathroom for 10 mins and everything would be fine. He never once told me to get over it. He held me while I sobbed about how horrible the entire world was. I'm not sure I would be here today without him. I told him, only half joking, that he had two babies to care for right now. I really believe I needed almost that level of care to get through it.
I'm so glad I allowed myself to be needy and demanding, I think it helped me greatly. I hated it, I have an independent streak, at least this time I know I REALLY need help. Not enough attention is given to the post partum period. It was hard to walk for a couple weeks. My body didn't feel normal for about 6 months and then only somewhat normal. I really felt I couldn't drive for about 3 weeks. The physical stuff alone is enough to require care for a good month with a normal vaginal birth. I plan on trying to stay in bed for a good week this time, and only go on short trips or do easy chores for the first three weeks. I'm going to try to feel better about doing less, and try to enjoy it.
I fully expect to get PPD again, but I think I'm better prepared this time around. Maybe it will be better.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)