OK, I don't think my birth story really got down to how awesome it was to give birth at home.
From my experience I gotta say, if you can have a home birth, OMG, have a home birth! Do it, try it, pay extra if you need to. Birth at home, it's amazing and relaxing, and people come to you! And it has something like a 6% C-section rate, an awesome way to avoid one of those.
My home birth midwives were able to do everything my hospital midwives were able to do during my pregnancy. We have to get over this idea that a home birth equals an unassisted birth, or a birth with non-professionals who don't know how to do anything.
When I had some alarming symptoms in my late pregnancy, they were able to do tests for pre-eclampsia, they even made special house calls to draw blood and drop off other things I needed. I got tested for GBS by them and they would have done other tests had I thought they were necessary. I felt very well cared for during my pregnancy. They were also fine with me having my PCP work with me for help with my migraines and anxiety during pregnancy. And in those last few weeks when water retention got bad and I felt awful they said they would accompany me to the hospital for an induction if it was what I wanted. I told them I wasn't to that point yet. They were extremely professional and knowledgeable.
They also bring like three huge bags of medical equipment and other things with them to the birth. I remember hearing them testing the oxygen tanks when they first arrived. I think some home birth midwives can even do IVs (not sure if mine could, but I doubted it would be needed for me). When my bleeding wouldn't stop they had pitocin injections available, when the pitocin didn't do the trick, they had Cytotec to give me and another med available as well. Ultimately what they gave me stopped the bleeding, it just took a bit longer than expected. One midwife I interviewed told me they bring all the equipment that a rural hospital would have on hand. They are trained in neonatal resuscitation. I was never afraid of giving birth at home as far as medical things go.
Because I must repeat, I chose a home birth because I thought it was the safest place for me to give birth given my history and health and how my pregnancy was progressing. I in no way chose it as a gamble on my life or my baby's life in order to have some romanticized version of a birth.
And birth kind of sucks. I'm not going to lie. If you want a natural birth, you really have to commit to it and stay committed. And if you stay home, it has to be natural. For this birth I was able to use the birthing tub and be submerged in nice warm water... and it still hurt, a lot. I told my midwives that I know why people choose to have planned c-sections. I know why people want epidurals, I know why, but I just couldn't, not with the knowledge I had about the risks of them. And I don't have quick births, my second child came out after 10.5 hours of labor, not super slow, but not fast. My first was 24.5 hours.
During the labor, I hated it; but looking back, it is amazing. I do not feel the same way about pregnancy, during it, it sucked; and looking back I'm certain I never want to be pregnant ever again. If I could just give birth one day and never be pregnant, I might have a third kid.
Compared to my hospital birth, my home birth was way more relaxed. Nothing was demanded of me, I was asked, and although I almost always said yes, if I said no, it was respected. No hospital tags were put on, no mandatory hook up to a monitor for twenty minutes to *make sure* I was really in labor. No cervical checks until I told them I wanted to be checked. No crazy restrictions about when I was allowed in the tub. No one tried to convince me to get the vitamin K shot when I declined it. They believed me when I said I didn't have chlamydia. No one freaked out about me delaying the Hep B vaccine.
And when my water broke before labor began, it was no big deal, I was told to stay home, stay clean and that we could wait a couple days if needed. Luckily we only had to wait about five hours. When I got stuck in transitional labor for about 3 1/2 hours, no one claimed I was failing to progress, I progressed and pushed my baby out in 30 mins.
And the midwives did the newborn exam right there at home, and they visited me a day later and at day 3 and at day 7 and at day 14, all in my home, they were able to do all the same screenings I would have gotten in the hospital. They did the hearing exam, the pulse-oximeter, and pricked my baby's heel to check for genetic disorders. They weighed the baby and it showed she was gaining weight well. I felt I was in better hands than when in the hospital, and there were no random offers to take my baby to the nursery even though it was clearly stated on my birth plan that we'd be rooming in.
I really do think the care I got and that my daughter got was better than with my hospital birth. Plus no risk of picking up an infection, no where to drive for weeks, and no hospital policy to put up with. I got to have a say, my point of view was respected, I was assumed to be smart and acting in my best interests. This is probably the biggest thing that helped me have an awesome birth. The midwives knew me and I knew them, no strangers were at my birth, we were all there with mutual respect and trust in one an other, which is what you really want in a birth team.
So I know at least one person who is reading this is thinking about having a home birth, I was once like you and I didn't have the support and I ended up choosing a hospital birth and still regret it. I went with my gut and had a home birth with my second and it was amazing, and your home birth, if you find a good midwife, will probably be amazing too. Do it, screw the critics and just do it, plan a home birth! Your births are carried around with you for the rest of your life, something you don't really get until after you give birth. Make it awesome!
Monday, March 3, 2014
Saturday, January 18, 2014
Birth of Viveca!
3:00 pm- Standing in the kitchen heating up Mac and cheese for my toddler I feel a small gush of liquid come out of me. I check it in the bathroom and think maybe baby pressed on my bladder.
Over the course of a couple hours I notice I am going through panty liners way quicker than before. I start to think that my water has broke. I call one of my midwives who tells me to lay down for 20 mins and then get up and see if it gushes out again. She also tells me she is about to head over to another birth.
6:30 pm I get up to get the Chinese food I've had delivered and as me and my toddler sit at the table to eat it more amniotic fluid leaks out. I call my husband and midwife back to tell them the news that my waters are broken. No meconium this time, yay. I am told to stay home and wait for contractions to start.
I also text my friend who is on her way home from San Diego, I hope she makes it back in time to attend my birth.
8:00 pm Contractions start, they are about ten minutes apart. I call my husband and tell him to start on his way home. We have begun early labor!
9:30 pm husband arrives home and contractions are a bit stronger. He starts getting our toddler ready for bed while I start setting up the house for birth, laying down the tarp, inflating the pool, gathering supplies.
11:00 or so. My friend arrives! Contractions are getting a bit closer together and stronger, she puts counter pressure on my back to help ease contractions. Our toddler is asleep and will amazingly start asleep through the entire labor and birth.
12:30 am Contractions are now about 4 or 5 mins apart so I call the midwives to come. We have entered active labor! More owie, I start to have doubts about getting through it again.
1 am Midwives arrive and shortly after we start filling the birth tub.
2 am or so. I get into tub and cry a lot. Midwives tell me it's very normal to cry during this stage of labor and not really know why. I am filled with so many emotions about meeting my baby soon and fears about birth.
Sometime between 2 and 3 am. Contraction get really freaking strong and come one on top of the other. Transitional labor time. I get really nauseated and only want water, though I force myself to try some juice and honey for energy. I demand counter pressure for every contraction and become very vocal during them. I swear and regularly try to empty my bladder. Sometimes I need to get out and sit on the toilet before my body will pee. I need to pee to make more room for baby to come out.
Sometime around 4 or 5 am. I feel like something is wrong. I kind of want to push, but feel like I can't. I have this feeling that I have been in this hard stage of labor for way too long. I have the midwives check me and they say I still have a bit of cervix left to melt away. I labor out of the tub for a while, trying to get gravity to work for me. I even go up and down the stairs. They have me do lunges during contractions to try to get that cervix to open.
A little before 6 am. They check me again and say there is just a bit of cervix in the front left. Midwives tell me to get on my hands and knees in the tub. I do this for a few contractions and I remember distinctly hating everyone in the room because I wanted to be anyone but me right now. Then suddenly I want to push, I want to push hard. I squat or kneel in the tub and push, I push so hard, I want this to be over.
After a bit of pushing I can feel that baby is about to be born. She's coming, I announce. One of my midwives guides her out, she tells me she is passing the baby to me between my legs. I reach down and pull my baby daughter out of the water and hold her immediately to my chest and sit down in amazement. 6:23 am.
I can feel the cord pulling and I tell them the cord is short. Maybe this is why she took so long to transition. Although, ideally I'd like to keep the cord in place until after the placenta is born I know the cord is too short for me to be able to pass the baby to anyone to birth the placenta. We wait until the cord stops pulsing and cut it.
I then get out of the tub and move to the futon and birth the placenta while my husband holds the baby skin to skin.
Baby is given back to me and I hold her and slowly coax her on to my breast, it takes an hour or so, but eventually she is latched on and nursing for the first time.
Over all a hard, but very satisfactory birthing experience. No tears this time, I think, thanks to the tub and my vertical pushing position.
More later on the adventure after birth!
Over the course of a couple hours I notice I am going through panty liners way quicker than before. I start to think that my water has broke. I call one of my midwives who tells me to lay down for 20 mins and then get up and see if it gushes out again. She also tells me she is about to head over to another birth.
6:30 pm I get up to get the Chinese food I've had delivered and as me and my toddler sit at the table to eat it more amniotic fluid leaks out. I call my husband and midwife back to tell them the news that my waters are broken. No meconium this time, yay. I am told to stay home and wait for contractions to start.
I also text my friend who is on her way home from San Diego, I hope she makes it back in time to attend my birth.
8:00 pm Contractions start, they are about ten minutes apart. I call my husband and tell him to start on his way home. We have begun early labor!
9:30 pm husband arrives home and contractions are a bit stronger. He starts getting our toddler ready for bed while I start setting up the house for birth, laying down the tarp, inflating the pool, gathering supplies.
11:00 or so. My friend arrives! Contractions are getting a bit closer together and stronger, she puts counter pressure on my back to help ease contractions. Our toddler is asleep and will amazingly start asleep through the entire labor and birth.
12:30 am Contractions are now about 4 or 5 mins apart so I call the midwives to come. We have entered active labor! More owie, I start to have doubts about getting through it again.
1 am Midwives arrive and shortly after we start filling the birth tub.
2 am or so. I get into tub and cry a lot. Midwives tell me it's very normal to cry during this stage of labor and not really know why. I am filled with so many emotions about meeting my baby soon and fears about birth.
Sometime between 2 and 3 am. Contraction get really freaking strong and come one on top of the other. Transitional labor time. I get really nauseated and only want water, though I force myself to try some juice and honey for energy. I demand counter pressure for every contraction and become very vocal during them. I swear and regularly try to empty my bladder. Sometimes I need to get out and sit on the toilet before my body will pee. I need to pee to make more room for baby to come out.
Sometime around 4 or 5 am. I feel like something is wrong. I kind of want to push, but feel like I can't. I have this feeling that I have been in this hard stage of labor for way too long. I have the midwives check me and they say I still have a bit of cervix left to melt away. I labor out of the tub for a while, trying to get gravity to work for me. I even go up and down the stairs. They have me do lunges during contractions to try to get that cervix to open.
A little before 6 am. They check me again and say there is just a bit of cervix in the front left. Midwives tell me to get on my hands and knees in the tub. I do this for a few contractions and I remember distinctly hating everyone in the room because I wanted to be anyone but me right now. Then suddenly I want to push, I want to push hard. I squat or kneel in the tub and push, I push so hard, I want this to be over.
After a bit of pushing I can feel that baby is about to be born. She's coming, I announce. One of my midwives guides her out, she tells me she is passing the baby to me between my legs. I reach down and pull my baby daughter out of the water and hold her immediately to my chest and sit down in amazement. 6:23 am.
I can feel the cord pulling and I tell them the cord is short. Maybe this is why she took so long to transition. Although, ideally I'd like to keep the cord in place until after the placenta is born I know the cord is too short for me to be able to pass the baby to anyone to birth the placenta. We wait until the cord stops pulsing and cut it.
I then get out of the tub and move to the futon and birth the placenta while my husband holds the baby skin to skin.
Baby is given back to me and I hold her and slowly coax her on to my breast, it takes an hour or so, but eventually she is latched on and nursing for the first time.
Over all a hard, but very satisfactory birthing experience. No tears this time, I think, thanks to the tub and my vertical pushing position.
More later on the adventure after birth!
Friday, December 13, 2013
Obligatory Thanksgiving Post
Some of you kept up all month writing something you are thankful for every day. I'm not like that I cram them in all at once. I came up with 13 and that's good enough.
I am thankful for:
1. My husband: Seriously every single day I have had him in my life I have felt deep gratitude. I only hope he feels the same way, otherwise I need to get my act together.
2. My 2 year-old son. He teaches me something new every day, mostly to relax and smell the roses and to slow down and be calm. He's also a constant reminder that we have zero control over other people in our lives.
3. My ability to do jobs most people don't want: I've pretty much always worked with difficult humans in some sense. I've somehow mastered the art of being yelled at and sworn at and having things go terribly wrong in public and been able to deal with it well 99% of the time. I actually have learned to like it, as long as I have a good organization supporting me that doesn't expect me to be a miracle worker (doesn't always happen), I'll take a difficult client and roll with the punches.
4. My fertility: We could have hand-picked the months we wanted our children to be born in if we had wanted to.
5. The Twin Cities: I was moved here when I was two and a half and both my parents are from MN, so really this was sheer luck. But I feel that it's probably in the top three places in the US to live. Especially fond of Minneapolis itself. I don't even think I'd consider moving to St. Paul at this point, I'm too in love with Minneapolis.
6. Running: I never thought I would be a runner and then one day I decided to try and I found that I like it, plus it keeps me strong and fit when I do it.
7. My baby girl: I was actually on my knees praying for a healthy girl when we were trying to conceive this pregnancy and the spirits delivered. I love my son more than I ever thought I could love anyone, but I really wanted a girl too and was not too keen on the idea of having three kids. Though she's not out yet, we could still have a surprise boy.
8. The good friends I've slowly collected over the years: I'm often amazed that you all like me and want to spend time with me. More than anything else you all keep me from indulging in my escapist fantasies of moving to another state.
9. My access to good health care: I've never been without health insurance and this is from sheer good luck. I don't hesitate to make an appointment or head to the hospital when I need to. This is a luxury in the world. I've also managed to find some incredible doctors and midwives who have supported my wishes and treated me well. It makes dealing with the bad ones that much easier.
10. Our finances: Neither of us make a lot, but due to some lucky timing and family help only one of us has student loan debt, we have a duplex that brings in income, and we've hardly paid for any childcare. On paper we should be doing worse than we are, but we've even been able to save money in the last few years. It also helps that neither of us are big spenders and we're both on the same page as far are financial goals go. We've never fought about money.
11. Socialist Alternative: I would feel lost in the world without socialism. It's like my religion, it makes me not feel like such a weirdo for actually having deep faith in humanity and wanting everyone to thrive in the world. Like Che said, I do believe that revolutions come from deep feelings of love. Someday I will do more with them, or at least send them more money.
12. My intelligence: I'm far from genius, and I've basically had to tell my husband that no matter how much he tries to explain the stock market to me, I'm not going to absorb it. But I've been told by three different supervisors now that I catch on to jobs quickly and that they don't really have to worry about me. I remember a lot and do well in school. I used to actually hate that people kept telling me how smart I was, because I didn't think being smart was actually making my life any easier (harder if anything because of the EXPECTATIONS), but I've learned to love this gift and realize it's limitations too. You can't smart your way into happiness, at least not all the way.
13. My growing spirituality: Ever since my son was born, I've felt this connection to something bigger in the universe, I don't know what it is and probably never will, but it's nice that it is there. And I don't think it goes against anything scientific either as we don't know everything about the human mind or the universe yet. I believe we can "know" something without scientific proof of it's existence. I think someday science and the spiritual world will overlap significantly; I just have this feeling.
I am thankful for:
1. My husband: Seriously every single day I have had him in my life I have felt deep gratitude. I only hope he feels the same way, otherwise I need to get my act together.
2. My 2 year-old son. He teaches me something new every day, mostly to relax and smell the roses and to slow down and be calm. He's also a constant reminder that we have zero control over other people in our lives.
3. My ability to do jobs most people don't want: I've pretty much always worked with difficult humans in some sense. I've somehow mastered the art of being yelled at and sworn at and having things go terribly wrong in public and been able to deal with it well 99% of the time. I actually have learned to like it, as long as I have a good organization supporting me that doesn't expect me to be a miracle worker (doesn't always happen), I'll take a difficult client and roll with the punches.
4. My fertility: We could have hand-picked the months we wanted our children to be born in if we had wanted to.
5. The Twin Cities: I was moved here when I was two and a half and both my parents are from MN, so really this was sheer luck. But I feel that it's probably in the top three places in the US to live. Especially fond of Minneapolis itself. I don't even think I'd consider moving to St. Paul at this point, I'm too in love with Minneapolis.
6. Running: I never thought I would be a runner and then one day I decided to try and I found that I like it, plus it keeps me strong and fit when I do it.
7. My baby girl: I was actually on my knees praying for a healthy girl when we were trying to conceive this pregnancy and the spirits delivered. I love my son more than I ever thought I could love anyone, but I really wanted a girl too and was not too keen on the idea of having three kids. Though she's not out yet, we could still have a surprise boy.
8. The good friends I've slowly collected over the years: I'm often amazed that you all like me and want to spend time with me. More than anything else you all keep me from indulging in my escapist fantasies of moving to another state.
9. My access to good health care: I've never been without health insurance and this is from sheer good luck. I don't hesitate to make an appointment or head to the hospital when I need to. This is a luxury in the world. I've also managed to find some incredible doctors and midwives who have supported my wishes and treated me well. It makes dealing with the bad ones that much easier.
10. Our finances: Neither of us make a lot, but due to some lucky timing and family help only one of us has student loan debt, we have a duplex that brings in income, and we've hardly paid for any childcare. On paper we should be doing worse than we are, but we've even been able to save money in the last few years. It also helps that neither of us are big spenders and we're both on the same page as far are financial goals go. We've never fought about money.
11. Socialist Alternative: I would feel lost in the world without socialism. It's like my religion, it makes me not feel like such a weirdo for actually having deep faith in humanity and wanting everyone to thrive in the world. Like Che said, I do believe that revolutions come from deep feelings of love. Someday I will do more with them, or at least send them more money.
12. My intelligence: I'm far from genius, and I've basically had to tell my husband that no matter how much he tries to explain the stock market to me, I'm not going to absorb it. But I've been told by three different supervisors now that I catch on to jobs quickly and that they don't really have to worry about me. I remember a lot and do well in school. I used to actually hate that people kept telling me how smart I was, because I didn't think being smart was actually making my life any easier (harder if anything because of the EXPECTATIONS), but I've learned to love this gift and realize it's limitations too. You can't smart your way into happiness, at least not all the way.
13. My growing spirituality: Ever since my son was born, I've felt this connection to something bigger in the universe, I don't know what it is and probably never will, but it's nice that it is there. And I don't think it goes against anything scientific either as we don't know everything about the human mind or the universe yet. I believe we can "know" something without scientific proof of it's existence. I think someday science and the spiritual world will overlap significantly; I just have this feeling.
Saturday, December 7, 2013
Will it Be Better This Time?
I've had some mental illness in my life, but nothing compared to how horrible I felt after the birth of my first child. I got hit hard with the baby blues at about 3 days post partum and it got much better after 3 weeks and then turned into more of a low-grade depression with acute anxiety symptoms that slowly got better over the course of about a year. But those first three weeks were awful.
I've been reading "What am I Thinking?: Having a Baby After Post-Partum Depression." I recommend this book! But it's been making me remember just how bad it was. Firstly let me say that it's a myth that those of us who have PPD want to hurt our babies. We are actually terrified we WILL hurt our babies or our babies will get hurt, but we generally don't hurt them.
It wasn't just hard. I felt like I could NOT do it. I felt like I could not be a mother, ever. And yet here I was STUCK as a mother for the rest of my life. I thought of all the things that could hurt my precious newborn and could not imagine that he would live through the week. Cars would drive by our house and scare me because I was sure they were going to somehow crash into us. I grabbed my husband and asked him over and over to promise me we would never hurt him. I also told my husband that I COULDN'T DO THIS.
I wanted to die, I wanted to die so badly, but I loved my baby so much and I realised how much he depended on me, how bad his life would be without me, how big of a loss I would be to him and I felt trapped. Trapped on Earth, so much wanting to leave but so much unable to ever leave it because I knew I could never do that to my child.
I never had love hurt that badly. And I wondered if I would ever feel happy again, or if now that I was a mother, I was ruined forever, always to feel depressed and anxious, never getting relief until the day I died. I couldn't handle anyone talking the slightest bit negatively about any baby or child or any stories about childhood that were anything but 100% awesome. Because anything less than perfect terrified me. My brain took it to the next level. The mention of me being put in an infant seat on a table made me see babies falling to their deaths from tables. The thought of any baby getting hurt was too much for me to handle. Don't those mothers feel what I feel? I thought. Why would anyone not protect their baby 100%?! I couldn't handle it. I became the most judgemental person in the world. I loved my baby too much if anything, how could others abandon or hurt theirs?
I also couldn't make simple decisions. I told my husband to bring me food. I could not decide on which food to eat. What to pack in the diaper bag seemed excruciatingly hard to figure out. I had panic attacks over being out of the house without the right stuff.
But I had to get out of the house, I was going insane staying in my house. I needed to see the great outdoors, even though they frightened me. So I went out and cried. I cried at a baby shower, I cried at Target, I cried in the car a lot. I couldn't not respond to my infant, we pulled the car over once to nurse him because I was freaking out and couldn't handle him having to wait 5 mins. I was ultra responsive. I couldn't understand how anyone could leave their baby to cry for even 10 seconds. I couldn't be out of sight of him either without crying. And I couldn't sleep without him being right next to me (this lasted for the whole year actually). I couldn't imagine being able to handle a cold or mastitis or an ear infection. It was hard enough with a happy, healthy baby, how would I ever cope if he got sick?
I had a deep primal need to be with him and care for him, something I think was actually a very good thing. And I'm glad I gave in to the instinct. I think the reason we did so well overall is that I was holding him all the time and nursing all the time, he was very well cared for, he thrived, even though his mom was not. I also say that he was a pretty easy baby those first couple months, I never wasn't able to calm him for the most part (except for the over-active let down I had to deal with).
Breastfeeding was a great comfort for me. It calmed me down, it released great hormones, it was almost as good as an anti-anxiety med. I had a strong reaction to it in the first couple weeks, it was hard to stay awake while nursing.
It slowly got better. The hormones slowly got back into place. I ended up with worse PMS then I had before, maybe a relic to the post partum period.
So will it be better this time? I have hope it will. For one, I know I can get through it. I also know what to expect. I know that I possibly won't feel like myself for about a year. There are less unknowns this time. I quit my job at 5 months post partum last time, I think partially because I was having PPD. Interviewing while post partum felt so strange. This time I have every intention of staying with the job I have now, which is part time. I also had a really hard time calling anyone last time, and was very sad no one called me (I actually thought it showed what a horrible person and friend I was). This time I'm going to try my best to call people when I need them.
But I also will have two kids this time. And this baby could be more fussy. This baby could be ill more. Something outside of my control could be worse. And my two year old is who I worry about the most. How will he handle a mom who cries randomly? Will I scare him? Will I be unable to meet his needs? Will I even be able to supervise him properly? Will he try to hurt the baby? How will I react to that?
And the other part is, will others understand? Will others get why I'm not letting them hold my baby for very long? Will they understand why I'm so irritable and not fun? Will they even like me after seeing me in my post partum state?
I also have to throw in there how amazing my husband was through all of this last time. He never reacted badly to my moodiness, he gave me unwavering reassurance. He was my rock. He did what I told him to do. He took care of me. I knew I could put our baby in his arms and go hide in the bathroom for 10 mins and everything would be fine. He never once told me to get over it. He held me while I sobbed about how horrible the entire world was. I'm not sure I would be here today without him. I told him, only half joking, that he had two babies to care for right now. I really believe I needed almost that level of care to get through it.
I'm so glad I allowed myself to be needy and demanding, I think it helped me greatly. I hated it, I have an independent streak, at least this time I know I REALLY need help. Not enough attention is given to the post partum period. It was hard to walk for a couple weeks. My body didn't feel normal for about 6 months and then only somewhat normal. I really felt I couldn't drive for about 3 weeks. The physical stuff alone is enough to require care for a good month with a normal vaginal birth. I plan on trying to stay in bed for a good week this time, and only go on short trips or do easy chores for the first three weeks. I'm going to try to feel better about doing less, and try to enjoy it.
I fully expect to get PPD again, but I think I'm better prepared this time around. Maybe it will be better.
I've been reading "What am I Thinking?: Having a Baby After Post-Partum Depression." I recommend this book! But it's been making me remember just how bad it was. Firstly let me say that it's a myth that those of us who have PPD want to hurt our babies. We are actually terrified we WILL hurt our babies or our babies will get hurt, but we generally don't hurt them.
It wasn't just hard. I felt like I could NOT do it. I felt like I could not be a mother, ever. And yet here I was STUCK as a mother for the rest of my life. I thought of all the things that could hurt my precious newborn and could not imagine that he would live through the week. Cars would drive by our house and scare me because I was sure they were going to somehow crash into us. I grabbed my husband and asked him over and over to promise me we would never hurt him. I also told my husband that I COULDN'T DO THIS.
I wanted to die, I wanted to die so badly, but I loved my baby so much and I realised how much he depended on me, how bad his life would be without me, how big of a loss I would be to him and I felt trapped. Trapped on Earth, so much wanting to leave but so much unable to ever leave it because I knew I could never do that to my child.
I never had love hurt that badly. And I wondered if I would ever feel happy again, or if now that I was a mother, I was ruined forever, always to feel depressed and anxious, never getting relief until the day I died. I couldn't handle anyone talking the slightest bit negatively about any baby or child or any stories about childhood that were anything but 100% awesome. Because anything less than perfect terrified me. My brain took it to the next level. The mention of me being put in an infant seat on a table made me see babies falling to their deaths from tables. The thought of any baby getting hurt was too much for me to handle. Don't those mothers feel what I feel? I thought. Why would anyone not protect their baby 100%?! I couldn't handle it. I became the most judgemental person in the world. I loved my baby too much if anything, how could others abandon or hurt theirs?
I also couldn't make simple decisions. I told my husband to bring me food. I could not decide on which food to eat. What to pack in the diaper bag seemed excruciatingly hard to figure out. I had panic attacks over being out of the house without the right stuff.
But I had to get out of the house, I was going insane staying in my house. I needed to see the great outdoors, even though they frightened me. So I went out and cried. I cried at a baby shower, I cried at Target, I cried in the car a lot. I couldn't not respond to my infant, we pulled the car over once to nurse him because I was freaking out and couldn't handle him having to wait 5 mins. I was ultra responsive. I couldn't understand how anyone could leave their baby to cry for even 10 seconds. I couldn't be out of sight of him either without crying. And I couldn't sleep without him being right next to me (this lasted for the whole year actually). I couldn't imagine being able to handle a cold or mastitis or an ear infection. It was hard enough with a happy, healthy baby, how would I ever cope if he got sick?
I had a deep primal need to be with him and care for him, something I think was actually a very good thing. And I'm glad I gave in to the instinct. I think the reason we did so well overall is that I was holding him all the time and nursing all the time, he was very well cared for, he thrived, even though his mom was not. I also say that he was a pretty easy baby those first couple months, I never wasn't able to calm him for the most part (except for the over-active let down I had to deal with).
Breastfeeding was a great comfort for me. It calmed me down, it released great hormones, it was almost as good as an anti-anxiety med. I had a strong reaction to it in the first couple weeks, it was hard to stay awake while nursing.
It slowly got better. The hormones slowly got back into place. I ended up with worse PMS then I had before, maybe a relic to the post partum period.
So will it be better this time? I have hope it will. For one, I know I can get through it. I also know what to expect. I know that I possibly won't feel like myself for about a year. There are less unknowns this time. I quit my job at 5 months post partum last time, I think partially because I was having PPD. Interviewing while post partum felt so strange. This time I have every intention of staying with the job I have now, which is part time. I also had a really hard time calling anyone last time, and was very sad no one called me (I actually thought it showed what a horrible person and friend I was). This time I'm going to try my best to call people when I need them.
But I also will have two kids this time. And this baby could be more fussy. This baby could be ill more. Something outside of my control could be worse. And my two year old is who I worry about the most. How will he handle a mom who cries randomly? Will I scare him? Will I be unable to meet his needs? Will I even be able to supervise him properly? Will he try to hurt the baby? How will I react to that?
And the other part is, will others understand? Will others get why I'm not letting them hold my baby for very long? Will they understand why I'm so irritable and not fun? Will they even like me after seeing me in my post partum state?
I also have to throw in there how amazing my husband was through all of this last time. He never reacted badly to my moodiness, he gave me unwavering reassurance. He was my rock. He did what I told him to do. He took care of me. I knew I could put our baby in his arms and go hide in the bathroom for 10 mins and everything would be fine. He never once told me to get over it. He held me while I sobbed about how horrible the entire world was. I'm not sure I would be here today without him. I told him, only half joking, that he had two babies to care for right now. I really believe I needed almost that level of care to get through it.
I'm so glad I allowed myself to be needy and demanding, I think it helped me greatly. I hated it, I have an independent streak, at least this time I know I REALLY need help. Not enough attention is given to the post partum period. It was hard to walk for a couple weeks. My body didn't feel normal for about 6 months and then only somewhat normal. I really felt I couldn't drive for about 3 weeks. The physical stuff alone is enough to require care for a good month with a normal vaginal birth. I plan on trying to stay in bed for a good week this time, and only go on short trips or do easy chores for the first three weeks. I'm going to try to feel better about doing less, and try to enjoy it.
I fully expect to get PPD again, but I think I'm better prepared this time around. Maybe it will be better.
Wednesday, December 4, 2013
More on Potty Training
I failed. I failed to potty train my kid by 2.5 years. I'm OK with that. There are no guarantees in life. Some people don't even try with boys until 3 years and I didn't want to do that, so I started early. Not too early in my view. But it didn't work out. He got pretty far and then it stalled.
Then I got pregnant. Willingly and planned!
The transition for him was a lot. I weaned him, I moved him to his own bed in his own room. I started a more firm bedtime. All of these were good things that I needed to do, but it disrupted potty learning. Not a little. A LOT. To the point of nothingness. Not a few more accidents; getting nothing in the potty for days. When you reach that point, of course, you go back to diapers full time and take a goddamn break. And if you are pregnant and me, you cry about it and feel like a failure. And then you move on.
And then he got better, on our trip to Arizona it picked back up again. We peed him in to tons of public toilets, it was great. And we kept it up when we got home. He wasn't potty trained, but we were getting stuff in the potty with hopes it would keep up.
Then his language skills took off suddenly. Like one day he was barely talking and the next he was talking a bunch and it grew and grew. And he also started completely refusing the potty again. So we stopped asking and now I was in my 3rd trimester of pregnancy. I started to feel like he was really ready, like ready for completion sometime in November, but I didn't know whether to do it or to wait. I wanted to do another intense potty training where we watch him for like 3 days and get him to the potty and make our expectations clear. But I didn't know if I was capable of doing that physically and mentally during the end of my pregnancy. But then I was also wondering if I'd be capable of doing it after I had a baby.
Then slowly he started hating the diaper, screaming about having to wear a diaper. Shit. This is a fair sign that one is ready to be potty training as he was almost literally telling me he didn't want to wear diapers anymore. I had to make a decision.
So today when he refused a diaper, I left it off and let him go bottomless and when he started peeing I moved him to the potty and he peed in the potty, twice. And he pooped while standing on a chair, but I moved him to the potty after and he sat on it for a while and peed a little. OK kid, you win, we are potty training now, at 34 weeks of pregnancy.
I think, at the very least, this time my expectations will be low. I don't think I will freak out if it doesn't fully click with him because I have too much other stuff on my mind.
So did I start too early initially? I don't know. I think he learned a lot from it, but it didn't lead to completion. I do think I have a later bloomer on my hands for some of this stuff. But at the same time the historical evidence is that most kids were out of diapers around age two 50 years ago. So it is possible. And I really, REALLY, do not think it is harmful as babies around the world are often not in diapers much past a year, or even 6 months (they use elimination communication). Coercion and punishment is harmful, not potty learning. And luckily I was used to people thinking I was crazy for doing some weird parenting thing that "no one else does."
I also think there is an accumulative effect. I think doing EC and attempting an earlier potty training helped him over all with awareness. And still no diaper rash! And I know we saved on some diapers. Plus I learned to not freak out so much about potty training; by freaking out about potty training. I think with my next kid I will be more calm. I'm sure I am partly to blame for his lack of potty ability, mostly the getting pregnant with his sister thing. But I also strongly believe that it doesn't really matter who or what is to blame for anything, things happen.
I also like that we didn't fully give up, even when we took breaks, we restarted when we saw the opportunity and chugged right along without shame or coercion or bribes or rewards. I tried a bribe once and my kid was so not into it at all. That's the flip side of bribes, it puts the control into the child's hands. We really tried to simply set the expectation that pee and poop go in the potty, just like we have an expectation that he doesn't climb the window sills or tables. It doesn't mean he won't screw up, but it means we clearly tell him he must get down. We tried to give him no choice. And we did have some success, we must not forget the success we had.
And I still really love Oh Crap Potty Training! I will still use that method for the most part, I'm just not fully embracing it while this pregnant, but I am totally using the overall philosophy.
Even if it takes another 6-12 months until he has reached completion at least I know I didn't give up or put it off for no good reason. And I think I can finally be more relaxed about it and maybe that will help a bit. I still think waiting for the classic readiness signs can lead you to a kid who is in diapers at age four or five. Now that we are buying disposables, holy crap they are expensive, in someways we don't have the luxury of waiting for a long time. It's like a phone bill every month that we don't need.
Also, he's only 30 months! We've got time before the majority of this country will think it is weird he's in diapers. He peed in a potty for the first time on cue at 4 months, so that's pretty darn neat.
Then I got pregnant. Willingly and planned!
The transition for him was a lot. I weaned him, I moved him to his own bed in his own room. I started a more firm bedtime. All of these were good things that I needed to do, but it disrupted potty learning. Not a little. A LOT. To the point of nothingness. Not a few more accidents; getting nothing in the potty for days. When you reach that point, of course, you go back to diapers full time and take a goddamn break. And if you are pregnant and me, you cry about it and feel like a failure. And then you move on.
And then he got better, on our trip to Arizona it picked back up again. We peed him in to tons of public toilets, it was great. And we kept it up when we got home. He wasn't potty trained, but we were getting stuff in the potty with hopes it would keep up.
Then his language skills took off suddenly. Like one day he was barely talking and the next he was talking a bunch and it grew and grew. And he also started completely refusing the potty again. So we stopped asking and now I was in my 3rd trimester of pregnancy. I started to feel like he was really ready, like ready for completion sometime in November, but I didn't know whether to do it or to wait. I wanted to do another intense potty training where we watch him for like 3 days and get him to the potty and make our expectations clear. But I didn't know if I was capable of doing that physically and mentally during the end of my pregnancy. But then I was also wondering if I'd be capable of doing it after I had a baby.
Then slowly he started hating the diaper, screaming about having to wear a diaper. Shit. This is a fair sign that one is ready to be potty training as he was almost literally telling me he didn't want to wear diapers anymore. I had to make a decision.
So today when he refused a diaper, I left it off and let him go bottomless and when he started peeing I moved him to the potty and he peed in the potty, twice. And he pooped while standing on a chair, but I moved him to the potty after and he sat on it for a while and peed a little. OK kid, you win, we are potty training now, at 34 weeks of pregnancy.
I think, at the very least, this time my expectations will be low. I don't think I will freak out if it doesn't fully click with him because I have too much other stuff on my mind.
So did I start too early initially? I don't know. I think he learned a lot from it, but it didn't lead to completion. I do think I have a later bloomer on my hands for some of this stuff. But at the same time the historical evidence is that most kids were out of diapers around age two 50 years ago. So it is possible. And I really, REALLY, do not think it is harmful as babies around the world are often not in diapers much past a year, or even 6 months (they use elimination communication). Coercion and punishment is harmful, not potty learning. And luckily I was used to people thinking I was crazy for doing some weird parenting thing that "no one else does."
I also think there is an accumulative effect. I think doing EC and attempting an earlier potty training helped him over all with awareness. And still no diaper rash! And I know we saved on some diapers. Plus I learned to not freak out so much about potty training; by freaking out about potty training. I think with my next kid I will be more calm. I'm sure I am partly to blame for his lack of potty ability, mostly the getting pregnant with his sister thing. But I also strongly believe that it doesn't really matter who or what is to blame for anything, things happen.
I also like that we didn't fully give up, even when we took breaks, we restarted when we saw the opportunity and chugged right along without shame or coercion or bribes or rewards. I tried a bribe once and my kid was so not into it at all. That's the flip side of bribes, it puts the control into the child's hands. We really tried to simply set the expectation that pee and poop go in the potty, just like we have an expectation that he doesn't climb the window sills or tables. It doesn't mean he won't screw up, but it means we clearly tell him he must get down. We tried to give him no choice. And we did have some success, we must not forget the success we had.
And I still really love Oh Crap Potty Training! I will still use that method for the most part, I'm just not fully embracing it while this pregnant, but I am totally using the overall philosophy.
Even if it takes another 6-12 months until he has reached completion at least I know I didn't give up or put it off for no good reason. And I think I can finally be more relaxed about it and maybe that will help a bit. I still think waiting for the classic readiness signs can lead you to a kid who is in diapers at age four or five. Now that we are buying disposables, holy crap they are expensive, in someways we don't have the luxury of waiting for a long time. It's like a phone bill every month that we don't need.
Also, he's only 30 months! We've got time before the majority of this country will think it is weird he's in diapers. He peed in a potty for the first time on cue at 4 months, so that's pretty darn neat.
Saturday, September 28, 2013
Stop Telling Us to Enjoy It.
Some of us hate being pregnant. For me it's the lack of control over my body, the loss of my body. I also seem to get pretty much every symptom to a certain extent. If you don't know, pregnancy affects every organ in your body pretty much. And I feel it. I try to remember that this is probably because I am in tune with my body.
My symptoms aren't severe, and so far I've had about 1.6 pregnancies without any complication. I would be a wreak if something were to come up. I'm not good with medical things to begin with, then to have your baby's life be in the hands of it, of some pregnancy illness taking you over, I know I would go insane for a bit before any coping skills would get clicked on.
I couldn't sleep tonight because of all over itchy skin, which is a fairly common thing to happen to us pregnant women. I also have a bit of an exacerbation of my slight manic symptoms I get sometimes. Though I don't believe I have a diagnosable disorder, nor does it interfere badly with my life, but sometimes sleep doesn't come and I feel great staying up a long long time. Long as in 20 hours, not 72 or anything nuts like that. Like I said, mild.
And soon there will be less of me and more of the pregnancy. I'm not one to see myself as getting fat, I see myself as being taken over by a blob of pregnant that grows until it explodes out of me.
And most migraine sufferers seen an improvement in their migraines, I see an incredible increase in headaches during the middle bit of pregnancy. Luckily it's not the entire way through, but they were bad enough that I took narcotics (and a couple other meds too), to varying degrees of success, and prayed for a study showing Immitrex was safe. But no, apparently Immitrex is not safe.
I was actually feeling pretty good about my pregnancy the last couple weeks, until tonight, with the itching and sleeplessness. If one thing goes away, another will crop up. There are good little moments here and there, even a good week will creep in, nothing is black and white, but over all we see pregnancy as a big pain.
Oh and did I mention I gain much more weight than the "recommended weight gain?" According to the recommendations I could stop gaining weight now. That's not going to happen. I'm lucky that for both pregnancies I had care providers that weren't so stuck on the weight issue. Luckily I lost it all post partum and then some more.
So, yeah, we women who hate pregnancy do *try* to enjoy it. We do, we want to, but pregnancy lets us down. And yes, we realize that after the baby comes we'll have a whole new set of problems. And I think most of us who really hate it, would welcome any change.
I had a terrible post partum time with my first child, felt really depressed, incredibly anxious, and could barely make the simplest decision. But the one thing I kept thinking was, "at least I'm not pregnant!" I held on to that. It was a reminder of how far I had come, how there is no way in the world I would have put him back in again. I loved getting my body back and free from pregnancy so much that it over shadowed the horrible post partum hormones.
And I could also hand the baby to my husband, which I could not do while pregnant.
Some of us do not enjoy it while it lasts, some of us don't wish we had cherished the moments we had while pregnant. Some of us just coped with it and were glad when it was finally all over. Some of us felt like we had contracted some horrible alien virus that changed everything about us for 9 months and we just wanted to feel like ourselves again.
When some of us say we hate pregnancy, we really mean it, don't tell us to enjoy it. Don't try to claim it's harder after baby comes. It's different after baby comes. For some of us giving up our bodies is actually a really huge deal, and we don't enjoy most of it. And for some women, they are on bed rest for months, or are puking through the whole pregnancy, or live in on-going fear of premature labor or some other complication. Some women have MUCH harder pregnancies than I.
"It sucks, and it will end someday," is a better line. But don't tell me how to feel about it. Amidst all my depression and anxiety there was intense joy, the deepest joy I had even felt in my life. Joy I never felt while pregnant. The rush of happy hormones after birth was one of the greatest experiences I have ever had. And breastfeeding ended up being the most amazing, reward-filled accomplishment of my life to date. And becoming a mom changed me for the better, it took a while, but I'm a better person for it. This is why I put up with both pregnancies. They are a necessary evil for me. And that's OK!
My symptoms aren't severe, and so far I've had about 1.6 pregnancies without any complication. I would be a wreak if something were to come up. I'm not good with medical things to begin with, then to have your baby's life be in the hands of it, of some pregnancy illness taking you over, I know I would go insane for a bit before any coping skills would get clicked on.
I couldn't sleep tonight because of all over itchy skin, which is a fairly common thing to happen to us pregnant women. I also have a bit of an exacerbation of my slight manic symptoms I get sometimes. Though I don't believe I have a diagnosable disorder, nor does it interfere badly with my life, but sometimes sleep doesn't come and I feel great staying up a long long time. Long as in 20 hours, not 72 or anything nuts like that. Like I said, mild.
And soon there will be less of me and more of the pregnancy. I'm not one to see myself as getting fat, I see myself as being taken over by a blob of pregnant that grows until it explodes out of me.
And most migraine sufferers seen an improvement in their migraines, I see an incredible increase in headaches during the middle bit of pregnancy. Luckily it's not the entire way through, but they were bad enough that I took narcotics (and a couple other meds too), to varying degrees of success, and prayed for a study showing Immitrex was safe. But no, apparently Immitrex is not safe.
I was actually feeling pretty good about my pregnancy the last couple weeks, until tonight, with the itching and sleeplessness. If one thing goes away, another will crop up. There are good little moments here and there, even a good week will creep in, nothing is black and white, but over all we see pregnancy as a big pain.
Oh and did I mention I gain much more weight than the "recommended weight gain?" According to the recommendations I could stop gaining weight now. That's not going to happen. I'm lucky that for both pregnancies I had care providers that weren't so stuck on the weight issue. Luckily I lost it all post partum and then some more.
So, yeah, we women who hate pregnancy do *try* to enjoy it. We do, we want to, but pregnancy lets us down. And yes, we realize that after the baby comes we'll have a whole new set of problems. And I think most of us who really hate it, would welcome any change.
I had a terrible post partum time with my first child, felt really depressed, incredibly anxious, and could barely make the simplest decision. But the one thing I kept thinking was, "at least I'm not pregnant!" I held on to that. It was a reminder of how far I had come, how there is no way in the world I would have put him back in again. I loved getting my body back and free from pregnancy so much that it over shadowed the horrible post partum hormones.
And I could also hand the baby to my husband, which I could not do while pregnant.
Some of us do not enjoy it while it lasts, some of us don't wish we had cherished the moments we had while pregnant. Some of us just coped with it and were glad when it was finally all over. Some of us felt like we had contracted some horrible alien virus that changed everything about us for 9 months and we just wanted to feel like ourselves again.
When some of us say we hate pregnancy, we really mean it, don't tell us to enjoy it. Don't try to claim it's harder after baby comes. It's different after baby comes. For some of us giving up our bodies is actually a really huge deal, and we don't enjoy most of it. And for some women, they are on bed rest for months, or are puking through the whole pregnancy, or live in on-going fear of premature labor or some other complication. Some women have MUCH harder pregnancies than I.
"It sucks, and it will end someday," is a better line. But don't tell me how to feel about it. Amidst all my depression and anxiety there was intense joy, the deepest joy I had even felt in my life. Joy I never felt while pregnant. The rush of happy hormones after birth was one of the greatest experiences I have ever had. And breastfeeding ended up being the most amazing, reward-filled accomplishment of my life to date. And becoming a mom changed me for the better, it took a while, but I'm a better person for it. This is why I put up with both pregnancies. They are a necessary evil for me. And that's OK!
Sunday, September 22, 2013
Why Not Just Go to the Hospital?
OK. I have to answer this question, because it seems to be asked of me in various ways now that I am planning a home birth.
I've been there too. I have not always been a home birth lover. But my dislike for home birth came from a place of not knowing much about birth in general. Birth is portrayed as scary, painful, and dangerous in this society. So, yeah, I guess, why wouldn't you want to be around a team of medical experts who could save your life or your baby's life? It seems so simple.
Except that birth isn't as dangerous as it's made out to be. It's true that half of all women used to die in childbirth, but that's over the course of their whole lives. And back in the day women were having like 10 kids (no birth control/different cultural norms/expectations/needs). So maybe 1in 20 births (OMG don't quote me on this stat, it's a guess), before medical advancements and the knowledge of microbes and bacteria, ended in the death of the woman. That sucks, but let's not act like it was 1 in 2.
The other thing I had no idea about was what home birth was really like. When I was pregnant with my first child, I knew ONE person who had ever given birth at home and talked about it openly with me, and I didn't know this person very well. And she doesn't even live in Minnesota, so it's not like I could have used her midwife. I'm guessing many of you know ONE person who is planning a home birth and that's it (me!), or maybe some distant relative or friend of a friend had one. I think only about 1% of babies are born at home in the US.
So, if this is basically your only knowledge of home births (that almost no one does it and it seems dangerous), I'm going to ask you to admit that you actually don't know much about home birthing. It's OK, I didn't know shit about it either until after I had already given birth in a hospital and was determined to go a different route.
So, if you don't know much about it, have never witnessed it, have never interviewed a home birth midwife, have never read a book about it, please try not to be afraid of it. Especially when it's not even you who is currently 5 months pregnant.
I think I can safely say that 99.9% of women who choose to give birth at home are not doing it DESPITE the danger; they are doing it because they feel it is SAFER. Mind blown, right?
It's isn't safe for everyone. But a good midwife will tell you when you are not appropriate and will refer you to an OB when you need one. I'm sure there are bad midwives out there, but all the midwives I interviewed made it clear that they were not about "home birth or nothing." They are trained professionals that monitor your birth and can tell you if they think you should transfer to a hospital. They also all stated clearly (because I asked them) that they all bring oxygen with them, drugs to stop hemorrhaging, and are trained in neonatal resuscitation. Midwives actually can deal with some emergencies, and if they can't, they call 911. I hear a good midwife shows up with about 4 big bags of medical equipment that they hopefully don't even need to use. They will have a Doppler for intermittent monitoring. They will have a blood pressure cuff. Their biggest priority will be my and the baby's health and well being, that's why I am hiring them in the first place. They know what normal birth looks like so well, that they will be able to spot when it is not normal and let me know. If they couldn't do this, I'd be better off birthing alone, really.
Having a home birth is not at all like having a baby during the middle ages. I promise you I am in good hands with experienced midwives. Plus I'm a second time vaginal-birth mom who is low risk, this makes it even safer for me.
But, still, why not just go to the hospital like everyone else? Just in case??
Everyone who chooses a home birth will have a different answer to this, so I can only give mine.
Short answer: Did that the first time and I do not care to repeat it.
Long answer: Even for my first birth I didn't really end up needing anything the hospital provided. I ended up on continuous fetal monitoring, but I don't really believe it was necessary. Outside of that.... I needed one row of stitches (which a home birth midwife can do)... and... and.... that's it. Nothing else that the hospital could have provided me did I end up needing. It's cost my insurance probably $12k and me about $3k and what did I get? Peace of mind? Some people do feel at peace when surrounded by *medicine* but I really didn't. I thought I would, and I didn't. I chose a hospital birth for that very peace of mind you are probably wondering about, and I didn't get it.
So what did you get?!
First of all, I was planning a water birth. And because hospitals are full of regulations they had MANY rules about who got to go in the tub and when. I was passing those rules with flying colors. But the one rule I was missing out on is that my hospital required me to be at 5cm dilation before entering the tub. Which meant I agreed to several cervical checks. I had a drug-free birth and I can say that the worst part of it was the cervical checks. The cervix is frigging sensitive and a nurse has to jam their fingers into it to check dilation. I screamed through every one, but I wanted in the tub. This will not happen at a home birth, I will not have this arbitrary regulation to labor under.
My water ended up breaking at 4cm and it was full of meconium, so I wasn't allowed in the tub at all. I've done some research and asked some experts on meconium and I personally think they over-reacted, though it could have been much worse. Something like 20-30% of births have meconium-stained amniotic fluid, and a small percentage of infants will inhale it, and a small percentage of those will get sick from it, and a small percentage of those will die. It happens, but rarely. I had maybe like a 1 in a few thousand chance of my baby dieing from this. It also appears that these infants inhale it while in the womb, NOT during birth. So actually limiting the tub and changing how the birth happens is not going to change the out come. If there is meconium, it seems, what is done is done, and probably everything is fine.
So luckily my infant was totally fine, the *thick* meconium didn't bother him at all and he was placed on my chest immediately after birth and we were breastfeeding in minutes. All in all, a pretty good hospital birth from the horror stories I have read, no drugs, no augmentation, no cutting, little interference, immediate skin-on-skin contact. I'm not going to deny that my birth was a success, but it could have been better, it could have involved a tub of water and no cervical checks. If you want a hospital birth I can say the HCMC midwives are pretty good.
Then enter the post partum period. You would think I was asking my kid to be injected with polio at the crap I got for choosing to delay the Hep B vaccine (Hep B is RARELY spread to children, and I didn't want a vaccine given right at birth). I got crap for refusing the eye antibiotic ointment, which only prevents blindness if I have chlamydia or gonorrhea, which they screened me for during pregnancy and I didn't have it. It would have been a worthless use of antibiotics, which shouldn't be used lightly. The nurses were constantly asking to take my baby off to the nursery when I was under the impression that this particular hospital was very big on rooming in. And the bassinet/hospital bed sleeping arrangement was horrid, I barely slept while in the hospital, I got way more sleep when I got home. There were other things like the nurse who told me, "you could just use formula" when I was upset over how much pain I was in. And then there are the horror stories of nurses sneaking babies formula, I know someone who had this happen to them at HCMC about 6 months later. I actually wrote a blog post all about the crap that happened after birth. I could not wait to leave there.
So when all of this is taken as a whole, I just do not feel that a hospital is a safer option for me. I am not choosing a home birth because I really want an awesome birth and I'm willing to risk my health and my baby's health to get it. I'm actually choosing a home birth because I am trying to do what is best for my health and the health of my baby.
If you can try to see it from this perspective, even if you are skeptical, I think it will help ease some of your trepidation about it. I have read stories of women who had a home birth because NONE of the hospitals within several hundred miles of them would help them achieve a VBAC. Certainly in that case you can see that they felt much safer staying home rather than give in to a second or third planned C-section.
Birth is getting a bit better, but some places are seriously lacking in options. We are lucky in the Twin Cities, we have several hospital midwife groups, three birth centers, and numerous home birth midwives. If you are giving birth in this area, look into all your options, I didn't the first time, so I swore I would do it differently next time.
I've been there too. I have not always been a home birth lover. But my dislike for home birth came from a place of not knowing much about birth in general. Birth is portrayed as scary, painful, and dangerous in this society. So, yeah, I guess, why wouldn't you want to be around a team of medical experts who could save your life or your baby's life? It seems so simple.
Except that birth isn't as dangerous as it's made out to be. It's true that half of all women used to die in childbirth, but that's over the course of their whole lives. And back in the day women were having like 10 kids (no birth control/different cultural norms/expectations/needs). So maybe 1in 20 births (OMG don't quote me on this stat, it's a guess), before medical advancements and the knowledge of microbes and bacteria, ended in the death of the woman. That sucks, but let's not act like it was 1 in 2.
The other thing I had no idea about was what home birth was really like. When I was pregnant with my first child, I knew ONE person who had ever given birth at home and talked about it openly with me, and I didn't know this person very well. And she doesn't even live in Minnesota, so it's not like I could have used her midwife. I'm guessing many of you know ONE person who is planning a home birth and that's it (me!), or maybe some distant relative or friend of a friend had one. I think only about 1% of babies are born at home in the US.
So, if this is basically your only knowledge of home births (that almost no one does it and it seems dangerous), I'm going to ask you to admit that you actually don't know much about home birthing. It's OK, I didn't know shit about it either until after I had already given birth in a hospital and was determined to go a different route.
So, if you don't know much about it, have never witnessed it, have never interviewed a home birth midwife, have never read a book about it, please try not to be afraid of it. Especially when it's not even you who is currently 5 months pregnant.
I think I can safely say that 99.9% of women who choose to give birth at home are not doing it DESPITE the danger; they are doing it because they feel it is SAFER. Mind blown, right?
It's isn't safe for everyone. But a good midwife will tell you when you are not appropriate and will refer you to an OB when you need one. I'm sure there are bad midwives out there, but all the midwives I interviewed made it clear that they were not about "home birth or nothing." They are trained professionals that monitor your birth and can tell you if they think you should transfer to a hospital. They also all stated clearly (because I asked them) that they all bring oxygen with them, drugs to stop hemorrhaging, and are trained in neonatal resuscitation. Midwives actually can deal with some emergencies, and if they can't, they call 911. I hear a good midwife shows up with about 4 big bags of medical equipment that they hopefully don't even need to use. They will have a Doppler for intermittent monitoring. They will have a blood pressure cuff. Their biggest priority will be my and the baby's health and well being, that's why I am hiring them in the first place. They know what normal birth looks like so well, that they will be able to spot when it is not normal and let me know. If they couldn't do this, I'd be better off birthing alone, really.
Having a home birth is not at all like having a baby during the middle ages. I promise you I am in good hands with experienced midwives. Plus I'm a second time vaginal-birth mom who is low risk, this makes it even safer for me.
But, still, why not just go to the hospital like everyone else? Just in case??
Everyone who chooses a home birth will have a different answer to this, so I can only give mine.
Short answer: Did that the first time and I do not care to repeat it.
Long answer: Even for my first birth I didn't really end up needing anything the hospital provided. I ended up on continuous fetal monitoring, but I don't really believe it was necessary. Outside of that.... I needed one row of stitches (which a home birth midwife can do)... and... and.... that's it. Nothing else that the hospital could have provided me did I end up needing. It's cost my insurance probably $12k and me about $3k and what did I get? Peace of mind? Some people do feel at peace when surrounded by *medicine* but I really didn't. I thought I would, and I didn't. I chose a hospital birth for that very peace of mind you are probably wondering about, and I didn't get it.
So what did you get?!
First of all, I was planning a water birth. And because hospitals are full of regulations they had MANY rules about who got to go in the tub and when. I was passing those rules with flying colors. But the one rule I was missing out on is that my hospital required me to be at 5cm dilation before entering the tub. Which meant I agreed to several cervical checks. I had a drug-free birth and I can say that the worst part of it was the cervical checks. The cervix is frigging sensitive and a nurse has to jam their fingers into it to check dilation. I screamed through every one, but I wanted in the tub. This will not happen at a home birth, I will not have this arbitrary regulation to labor under.
My water ended up breaking at 4cm and it was full of meconium, so I wasn't allowed in the tub at all. I've done some research and asked some experts on meconium and I personally think they over-reacted, though it could have been much worse. Something like 20-30% of births have meconium-stained amniotic fluid, and a small percentage of infants will inhale it, and a small percentage of those will get sick from it, and a small percentage of those will die. It happens, but rarely. I had maybe like a 1 in a few thousand chance of my baby dieing from this. It also appears that these infants inhale it while in the womb, NOT during birth. So actually limiting the tub and changing how the birth happens is not going to change the out come. If there is meconium, it seems, what is done is done, and probably everything is fine.
So luckily my infant was totally fine, the *thick* meconium didn't bother him at all and he was placed on my chest immediately after birth and we were breastfeeding in minutes. All in all, a pretty good hospital birth from the horror stories I have read, no drugs, no augmentation, no cutting, little interference, immediate skin-on-skin contact. I'm not going to deny that my birth was a success, but it could have been better, it could have involved a tub of water and no cervical checks. If you want a hospital birth I can say the HCMC midwives are pretty good.
Then enter the post partum period. You would think I was asking my kid to be injected with polio at the crap I got for choosing to delay the Hep B vaccine (Hep B is RARELY spread to children, and I didn't want a vaccine given right at birth). I got crap for refusing the eye antibiotic ointment, which only prevents blindness if I have chlamydia or gonorrhea, which they screened me for during pregnancy and I didn't have it. It would have been a worthless use of antibiotics, which shouldn't be used lightly. The nurses were constantly asking to take my baby off to the nursery when I was under the impression that this particular hospital was very big on rooming in. And the bassinet/hospital bed sleeping arrangement was horrid, I barely slept while in the hospital, I got way more sleep when I got home. There were other things like the nurse who told me, "you could just use formula" when I was upset over how much pain I was in. And then there are the horror stories of nurses sneaking babies formula, I know someone who had this happen to them at HCMC about 6 months later. I actually wrote a blog post all about the crap that happened after birth. I could not wait to leave there.
So when all of this is taken as a whole, I just do not feel that a hospital is a safer option for me. I am not choosing a home birth because I really want an awesome birth and I'm willing to risk my health and my baby's health to get it. I'm actually choosing a home birth because I am trying to do what is best for my health and the health of my baby.
If you can try to see it from this perspective, even if you are skeptical, I think it will help ease some of your trepidation about it. I have read stories of women who had a home birth because NONE of the hospitals within several hundred miles of them would help them achieve a VBAC. Certainly in that case you can see that they felt much safer staying home rather than give in to a second or third planned C-section.
Birth is getting a bit better, but some places are seriously lacking in options. We are lucky in the Twin Cities, we have several hospital midwife groups, three birth centers, and numerous home birth midwives. If you are giving birth in this area, look into all your options, I didn't the first time, so I swore I would do it differently next time.
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