Since I am now nearly 33 weeks into this thing, I feel I have learned enough to give some unwanted advice to other pregnant women, or those who will be pregnant later.
1. Calm down, you are only pregnant.
I was one of those people who knew she was pregnant long before (a week) a home pregnancy test would have been accurate. I never took a test, I just took my basal body temp and felt the symptoms. I felt no rush to find a care provider, I was fine and was taking prenatal vitamins and avoiding toxins.
Until I got a migraine with an aura. Migraines were not new for me, but auras were. So I did the "right" thing and called my clinic at the time. Here is the simplified version of the conversation:
Me: "I'm pregnant and I'm being seen by one of your doctors for migraines, and now I have one with an aura."
Nurse: "Well, I don't know why you are having an aura, but HOLY SHIT you are pregnant?! Fucking find an OB you goddamn idiot!! Conception was THREE weeks ago?! You are practically in labor! How could you be so stupid as to not seek care!?"
Me: "Uhh... I was... um..." CLICK.
Obviously that was a dramatization, but that nurse seriously must know nothing about pregnancy because unless you have some horrible illness that can interfere with pregnancy or are in extreme pain, chances are super, super, great that in your first month or two, everything is fine and you need very little care, if any.
Here is the simplfied version of my first prenatal appointment at 8 weeks 5 days pregnant (three or four weeks after the above conversation):
Nurse Midwife: "So you're pregnant, how does that feel?"
Me: "Pretty shitty."
Nurse Midwife: "Try vitamin B6 and Unisom."
Me: "OK."
Nurse Midwife: "Are you drinking alcohol."
Me: "Fuck no, I feel like puking all the time, why would I drink alcohol?"
Nurse Midwife: "Awesome, see you in a month."
So even when I did get the care the first nurse insisted I needed right away, there wasn't much to it. So if you find yourself pregnant and otherwise healthy, it's OK to just celebrate for a while and not rush to the doctor.
2. Stop reading pregnancy books. Do what feels right to you.
Focus your reading on baby care and parenting, these things are way more important and you won't be reading them after baby comes. Pregnancy books are also full of misinformation and overly cautious advice. I'll admit that reading What To Expect When You Are Expecting was kind of fun, but the crap that book tells you to do or not to do is overwhelming and not backed up by scientific research for the most part. It claimed you should never point your toes! I point them every few days to see what it supposed to happen; no leg cramps yet.
I decided to follow some of that book's advice for the first trimester because I thought maybe being a bit overly cautious the first three months would reduce my chance of having a miscarriage. So I avoided lunch meats, or I would microwave them, and I decided to skip the raw seafood for the entire pregnancy. I figured nasty food poisoning was something to avoid. I also stopped drinking alcohol because that toxin does have scientific research backing it up, and I haven't changed the cat litter in probably three years, so that was no problem (Brent does it). I also decided to avoid cleaning products with nasty chemicals in them, which was easy because I don't do much cleaning (Brent does it), and I stopped using my acne cream, which was fine because pregnancy totally cleared up my skin.
The other thing Brent and I did was buy more organic foods. I'm not sure about the research regarding pesticides on fetuses, but it doesn't sound like a good thing. So for a lot of our staples, like tomato sauce, salsa, beans, milk, and a good portion of our fruits and vegetables, we went organic. We didn't go 100%, but we both felt good about making an effort. I didn't worry about whether my food was organic at other people's houses or when we went out to dinner.
3. Diet really isn't that important.
That uterine parasite of yours will take calcium out of your teeth and bones if it needs it! Which is bad for you, but you really have to have a bad diet before it will affect your fetus. Folic Acid is easy to get through pills and a prenatal vitamin should cover the rest of the holes in your diet. Chances are if you didn't have a vitamin deficiency before pregnancy, you won't have one now. Eat what sounds good and eat a variety and you should be good. The pregnancy diet guidelines that ended up in some of those pregnancy books I read were so long and complicated, I bet there are few women who follow them.
I don't think my midwife once talked about diet. She only talked about exercise and maybe cutting a few calories when I was gaining a ton of weight my second trimester.
Like, I said above, calm down, you are only pregnant.
4. You are not fragile; your uterus is super strong!
The uterus is one of the best shock absorption systems around. I could easily lay on my stomach until I reached the third trimester; as long as the surface was soft enough. My protruding baby bump has been shoved, bumped, run into a wall, elbowed, mushed against a wheelchair... the thing gets in the way! The only time I've been concerned is when I'm being shoved (at work, I work with adults with developmental disabilities), because I don't want to fall over, so I tell them to watch out for the baby. But baby is fine, my uterus feels fine. I built an IKEA book shelf by myself in my sixth month of pregnancy. I was exhausted after, but baby was fine. I occasionally lift wheelchairs and people and I'm well into my eighth month. My lower back hurts from it sometimes, but my lower back hurts from simply walking these days.
I have a much bigger problem with picking small things up off the ground (it's hard to bend over) than carrying heavy things. I think the greatest thing I've said at work in the past few months was, "Hey, does someone who's not pregnant want to crawl under my desk and see if my phone is plugged in?" If it hurts, don't do it; if it doesn't, chances are it's not harmful. You really have to be in a bad accident to hurt the contents of your uterus. I'm sure some pregnant women are different and have other issues making them have more restrictions, but chances are you are fine.
5. Look into all of your options about care and birth.
There are so many options and you should at least know about them. I still sometimes contemplate a home birth. Your options grow if your pregnancy is low-risk, which most are. I chose a midwife because I felt pregnancy and birth were natural things, not illnesses. I don't feel the need for a doctor. So far I've only had one pelvic exam when they did an overdue "poke and scrape" and tested me for STIs that could hurt the baby. Minimizing pelvic exams is a plus, I have a feeling they will start looking in there soon, however.
Not every test is needed for you. And learn about all the interventions, they all have risks, some that will simply not be worth it. Get informed well before your due date so you know your options before the birth. Some hospitals and doctors have a very high C-section rate, these are places to avoid, these are places that rarely see a natural, normal birth without an intervention. The C-section rate is close to one third in the US, when really it should probably be under 10%. C-sections save lives, but are way overdone and are major surgery to recover from. Birth and pregnancy do not have to be medicalized unless there is a medical problem, which rarely there is.
Friday, April 15, 2011
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Losing My Patience With Those Still Catching Up.
This is a non-baby post.
OK, so some of you know that I've had a bunch of trouble in my life. Not a HUGE amount, but enough where my growing up and maturing into an adult was thrown off and I had to over-compensate and grow up a little late and work through some issues and be in lots of therapy.
So my general thought about myself for most of my life was that I was "crazy" and broken and wasn't as good as other adults. But over the last few years I've changed a lot and now it's switching to me generally feeling like I'm mature and functioning well and acting consciously and making good decisions. Not that it's easy, but over all, I am fitting in with society and accepting myself as being unique and intelligent without being "crazy."
In fact I think some of my issues in life were advantageous because I really learned a lot about how emotions work and how to get what you want out of life without being in control of anyone else. I really feel like my coping mechanism for the little bumps in the road are very well polished and working well. Major stressors still will throw me off the path, the wedding was a big one, I had a few days where I felt completely insane, but it was just a few days, most days were just mild insanity.
I also think, for the most part, I don't take my anger out on others and if I do, I recognize it right away. I say kind things and try to work smoothly with others, even if I do not get along with them or I think they are dumb. If I snap at anyone I usually apologize and explain why I snapped and how it wasn't really about them.
So, awesome for Andrea, right?
Not so fast. People who are not emotionally mature bug the crap out of me. I can see their issues really well, I can put a label on their problems sometimes. I can also see what might help them. How they could change their thinking or behavior that would help them and also make dealing with them easier. It's because I've been there before or witnessed people close to me deal with these things for years. But I'm NOT in charge of them and have no control and really can't to squat about it. And this part is really hard for me.
So the choice becomes accepting a person for who they are or avoiding them to cause myself less distress. I do a little of both in my life. There are some people I don't have much contact with at all because they are simply too nuts for me to ever want to be around. I can deal with people who have issues, but I need to be able to see that they are dealing with their issues and growing and changing as a person, this is a rare occurrence, but is a trait in most of my closest friends.
I'm friends with people who have grand ideas and change their minds a lot and wonder all over the place because we are lost people trying to figure it all out, we are changing career paths and seeing therapists and taking up new hobbies and forgetting them a week later, because we are trying to get a hold of our life, we are trying to grow and change and become high-functioning adults. We can be selfish and flaky, but all for good reasons. Rarely do we stay in dead-end jobs or relationships without really discussing them and looking at our other options, we are always plotting and thinking, our significant others might not know, but sometimes we think about ditching them. Might sound mean, but we re-evaluate things a lot, even unnecessarily sometimes. At least that's my impression of me and my friends, maybe they have other thoughts.
So when I see someone who clearly has issues, who doesn't seem aware of their issues and/or doesn't seem to want to resolve their issues, or is in total denial about their life, I really have no more patience for these people. Luckily I haven't run into many of these people holding red flags, maybe a dozen or so that really bothered me over my adulthood.
And if I've learned anything in my lifetime, it's that you can't change others. Reality is depressing. So I guess this was a rant on how I can't fix others' crazies and it bothers me sometimes.
And if you are one of those who has issues, please, make the world a better place and help yourself.
OK, so some of you know that I've had a bunch of trouble in my life. Not a HUGE amount, but enough where my growing up and maturing into an adult was thrown off and I had to over-compensate and grow up a little late and work through some issues and be in lots of therapy.
So my general thought about myself for most of my life was that I was "crazy" and broken and wasn't as good as other adults. But over the last few years I've changed a lot and now it's switching to me generally feeling like I'm mature and functioning well and acting consciously and making good decisions. Not that it's easy, but over all, I am fitting in with society and accepting myself as being unique and intelligent without being "crazy."
In fact I think some of my issues in life were advantageous because I really learned a lot about how emotions work and how to get what you want out of life without being in control of anyone else. I really feel like my coping mechanism for the little bumps in the road are very well polished and working well. Major stressors still will throw me off the path, the wedding was a big one, I had a few days where I felt completely insane, but it was just a few days, most days were just mild insanity.
I also think, for the most part, I don't take my anger out on others and if I do, I recognize it right away. I say kind things and try to work smoothly with others, even if I do not get along with them or I think they are dumb. If I snap at anyone I usually apologize and explain why I snapped and how it wasn't really about them.
So, awesome for Andrea, right?
Not so fast. People who are not emotionally mature bug the crap out of me. I can see their issues really well, I can put a label on their problems sometimes. I can also see what might help them. How they could change their thinking or behavior that would help them and also make dealing with them easier. It's because I've been there before or witnessed people close to me deal with these things for years. But I'm NOT in charge of them and have no control and really can't to squat about it. And this part is really hard for me.
So the choice becomes accepting a person for who they are or avoiding them to cause myself less distress. I do a little of both in my life. There are some people I don't have much contact with at all because they are simply too nuts for me to ever want to be around. I can deal with people who have issues, but I need to be able to see that they are dealing with their issues and growing and changing as a person, this is a rare occurrence, but is a trait in most of my closest friends.
I'm friends with people who have grand ideas and change their minds a lot and wonder all over the place because we are lost people trying to figure it all out, we are changing career paths and seeing therapists and taking up new hobbies and forgetting them a week later, because we are trying to get a hold of our life, we are trying to grow and change and become high-functioning adults. We can be selfish and flaky, but all for good reasons. Rarely do we stay in dead-end jobs or relationships without really discussing them and looking at our other options, we are always plotting and thinking, our significant others might not know, but sometimes we think about ditching them. Might sound mean, but we re-evaluate things a lot, even unnecessarily sometimes. At least that's my impression of me and my friends, maybe they have other thoughts.
So when I see someone who clearly has issues, who doesn't seem aware of their issues and/or doesn't seem to want to resolve their issues, or is in total denial about their life, I really have no more patience for these people. Luckily I haven't run into many of these people holding red flags, maybe a dozen or so that really bothered me over my adulthood.
And if I've learned anything in my lifetime, it's that you can't change others. Reality is depressing. So I guess this was a rant on how I can't fix others' crazies and it bothers me sometimes.
And if you are one of those who has issues, please, make the world a better place and help yourself.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
The PLAN of Your Birth!!!
So we're at birth plan writing time. Which is way harder than is sounds, especially when your like me and want to be well informed about EVERY decision there is to make and try to make the best decision.
My latest thought is that birth plans are crap and I'm not going to have one. They tell you to keep it short, but I have no idea how to do that. For example:
I really, really, really, don't want to have an epidural. There are so many restrictions with them, they up your chances of having a C-section to 50%, you can't get out of bed, they tend to make pushing harder. I just don't want one, which is fine. But it's not that I will NEVER EVER EVER consider having one. So I feel a need to say something like, "Andrea does not wish to have an epidural... UNLESS she has exhausted all other coping mechanisms, can't get into a birthing tub, has been laboring for many hours, is no where close to full dilation, can't rest, can't progress, then maybe after you remind her of the benefits and disadvantages of having one, she will agree to it."
I honestly feel like writing, "Ask Andrea's permission before you do anything, thanks. The end."
And what is the plan anyway? I've never given birth before. I could have all the plans in the world and it could all go wrong. I feel informed, but still hesitant to plan this all. I don't want people to laugh at my plan and then be proven right when my plan can't be followed.
There are some cut in stone things; we will be encapsulating the placenta. They can't deny me my placenta, there is no other purpose for it after birth and I definitely have it. And we won't be circumcising; there's nothing that will change our minds about that. And a lot of the other stuff we want, they already do the vast majority of the time like skin-to-skin contact after birth, and rooming in, and exclusively breastfeeding; these are not things that the nurses will think is weird and will make a fuss about, so do they still need to go in there?
And as far as I can tell my nurse midwife unit is very pro eating and moving around during labor, and I'm pretty sure I will qualify to use their birthing tub room. They have been very hands-off through this whole thing and have not tried to push any ideas into my head. So I highly doubt anyone will tell me to lay in bed and only give me ice chips, unless I have an epidural.
So the basic plan in my head right now is that Brent and our doula will be with me for the whole thing, I will use natural comfort measures like the birthing ball, massage, TENS unit, aromatherapy, changing positions, relaxing music; I will eat easily digestible things that aren't too bad to throw up (although only about 15% of women do throw up during labor); drink plenty of fluids; when I am able to get into the tub, they will inform me of this, then when I feel ready to get in the tub, I will also use the tub for pain management and may give birth in there if I choose; I want to push when I feel the urge to push with little coaching unless I'm starting to tear; cut the umbilical cord after it has stopped pulsating. Then as long as baby is fine, I want to hold baby and attempt the first breastfeeding before doing anything else. Oh and no time limits on any stage unless one of us is in distress.
If at any point the plan is not working, then we can discuss other things. Sometimes emergency C-sections are needed; I want one if it's needed.
So it's hard. It makes me feel good about my choice to birth in a hospital with an open-minded nurse midwife unit. I can go all natural if I want, but we're in the hospital if something goes wrong. I do however realize that things often go wrong in a hospital because they do unnecessary things. So I want to minimize the unnecessary, like artificially breaking the waters, which has been shown to be no better at speeding things up than simply waiting for time to pass (although you can only do correlational studies about it).
So, I'm going to go in with confidence and an open mind. I'm also going to stay at home for as long as possible. The hospital doesn't even want me until my contractions are 4 minutes or less apart, lasting for one minute, for one whole hour. So, we could have days at home!
My latest thought is that birth plans are crap and I'm not going to have one. They tell you to keep it short, but I have no idea how to do that. For example:
I really, really, really, don't want to have an epidural. There are so many restrictions with them, they up your chances of having a C-section to 50%, you can't get out of bed, they tend to make pushing harder. I just don't want one, which is fine. But it's not that I will NEVER EVER EVER consider having one. So I feel a need to say something like, "Andrea does not wish to have an epidural... UNLESS she has exhausted all other coping mechanisms, can't get into a birthing tub, has been laboring for many hours, is no where close to full dilation, can't rest, can't progress, then maybe after you remind her of the benefits and disadvantages of having one, she will agree to it."
I honestly feel like writing, "Ask Andrea's permission before you do anything, thanks. The end."
And what is the plan anyway? I've never given birth before. I could have all the plans in the world and it could all go wrong. I feel informed, but still hesitant to plan this all. I don't want people to laugh at my plan and then be proven right when my plan can't be followed.
There are some cut in stone things; we will be encapsulating the placenta. They can't deny me my placenta, there is no other purpose for it after birth and I definitely have it. And we won't be circumcising; there's nothing that will change our minds about that. And a lot of the other stuff we want, they already do the vast majority of the time like skin-to-skin contact after birth, and rooming in, and exclusively breastfeeding; these are not things that the nurses will think is weird and will make a fuss about, so do they still need to go in there?
And as far as I can tell my nurse midwife unit is very pro eating and moving around during labor, and I'm pretty sure I will qualify to use their birthing tub room. They have been very hands-off through this whole thing and have not tried to push any ideas into my head. So I highly doubt anyone will tell me to lay in bed and only give me ice chips, unless I have an epidural.
So the basic plan in my head right now is that Brent and our doula will be with me for the whole thing, I will use natural comfort measures like the birthing ball, massage, TENS unit, aromatherapy, changing positions, relaxing music; I will eat easily digestible things that aren't too bad to throw up (although only about 15% of women do throw up during labor); drink plenty of fluids; when I am able to get into the tub, they will inform me of this, then when I feel ready to get in the tub, I will also use the tub for pain management and may give birth in there if I choose; I want to push when I feel the urge to push with little coaching unless I'm starting to tear; cut the umbilical cord after it has stopped pulsating. Then as long as baby is fine, I want to hold baby and attempt the first breastfeeding before doing anything else. Oh and no time limits on any stage unless one of us is in distress.
If at any point the plan is not working, then we can discuss other things. Sometimes emergency C-sections are needed; I want one if it's needed.
So it's hard. It makes me feel good about my choice to birth in a hospital with an open-minded nurse midwife unit. I can go all natural if I want, but we're in the hospital if something goes wrong. I do however realize that things often go wrong in a hospital because they do unnecessary things. So I want to minimize the unnecessary, like artificially breaking the waters, which has been shown to be no better at speeding things up than simply waiting for time to pass (although you can only do correlational studies about it).
So, I'm going to go in with confidence and an open mind. I'm also going to stay at home for as long as possible. The hospital doesn't even want me until my contractions are 4 minutes or less apart, lasting for one minute, for one whole hour. So, we could have days at home!
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
The Great Cheeto Deformity of 2011
We attended our first prenatal class at the hospital last night and it went really well. We got to watch the video on birth that the teacher said was out of date, but still worth watching.
We also talked about nutrition during pregnancy and avoiding alcohol. It seemed like all was well until someone had to mention that one study where they found that mothers who drank mildly to moderately during pregnancy had children with higher test scores later in life. Actually the guy said, "they had better children," and I actually laughed. I'm extremely skeptical of test scores to begin with because life is not set up like a test, real world skills and emotional health and communication are what will really count in the long run; not IQ tests.
The child-birth educator did say she had heard of the study but was skeptical of a self-reported study. For those of us who have taken tons of research-based classes, like me, who learn about research methods and statistics in every class, we realize that this study can't prove causation, only correlation. Meaning women in this particular study (it matters how they recruit participants too!), who self-reported (they could be lying!) consuming a small amount of alcohol during pregnancy, happened to have a child that scored higher on an IQ test (which doesn't mean later success in life!) than those who self-reported (again, they could be lying too!) not having any alcohol. Maybe there is more than one study showing this, but this shouldn't change the guideline that women shouldn't drink alcohol during pregnancy if only for the fact that we can never prove causation for alcohol producing smarter kids, but we sure as hell know what causes Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.
Anyway this guy went on to say how eating junk food is just as bad, but we don't get mad at the women who eat nothing but junk food. Someone pointed out that although junk food is bad, it probably won't cause deformities unless you get really malnourished. To which he said, "well, we don't know what causes these deformities most of the time." Which although, true sometimes, didn't stop Brent and I from laughing over the great Cheeto deformities some children get, on the drive home.
He even went on to say that he would much rather his wife have a glass of wine every once and a while than eat junk food. Jeeze, I just wanted to say, "drink alcohol if you must, but stop trying to justify it by using bad scientific inquiry and putting down my beloved junk food!"
I like how our educator put it, "it's like playing Russian roulette," meaning, some women can have just a couple drinks and see the fetal alcohol effect, while others can drink every night and not see any effect, they don't know the exact mechanism that causes it, but they do know that if you don't drink any alcohol you won't have a child with FAS. There are some studies that show being younger helps, and that first pregnancies are more protected, but it doesn't guarantee that if you are 19 and having your first baby you definitely won't get a child with FAS if you drink. And I'm very skeptical of any study that might show a benefit, especially if they show that benefit through IQ tests, which like I said before, don't count for much. FAS is more likely to affect your emotional regulation than your IQ, or I should say, it affects emotional regulation way more than IQ score. I know from experience working with adults with FAS.
My unsolicited advice to pregnant women: just don't drink at all. It's too risky. Also eat a balanced diet, but I'm guessing some junk food will not hurt you or the baby. I believe that I have gotten enough good nutrients while also imbibing in an occasional junk food item, this week I just can't get enough Nutty Bars and those have peanut butter in them, kind of, so they aren't so bad ;). And I eat them after finishing my tomatoes, hummus, and whole wheat pita bread! So there! I refuse to believe that it's OK for me to then finish my meal with a half a glass of wine instead.
Maybe someday down the road they will discover that Nutty Bars are really harmful and cause all kind of deformities and my son will be their first case study and my pregnancy diet will be scrutinized and I'll be told how awful I was for eating that processed junk. And the headline will read "Junk Food Worse than Alcohol for Fetus." But until then, I must take the side that says alcohol is easily avoided and very harmful, so we might as well not drink it while we are pregnant.
We also talked about nutrition during pregnancy and avoiding alcohol. It seemed like all was well until someone had to mention that one study where they found that mothers who drank mildly to moderately during pregnancy had children with higher test scores later in life. Actually the guy said, "they had better children," and I actually laughed. I'm extremely skeptical of test scores to begin with because life is not set up like a test, real world skills and emotional health and communication are what will really count in the long run; not IQ tests.
The child-birth educator did say she had heard of the study but was skeptical of a self-reported study. For those of us who have taken tons of research-based classes, like me, who learn about research methods and statistics in every class, we realize that this study can't prove causation, only correlation. Meaning women in this particular study (it matters how they recruit participants too!), who self-reported (they could be lying!) consuming a small amount of alcohol during pregnancy, happened to have a child that scored higher on an IQ test (which doesn't mean later success in life!) than those who self-reported (again, they could be lying too!) not having any alcohol. Maybe there is more than one study showing this, but this shouldn't change the guideline that women shouldn't drink alcohol during pregnancy if only for the fact that we can never prove causation for alcohol producing smarter kids, but we sure as hell know what causes Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.
Anyway this guy went on to say how eating junk food is just as bad, but we don't get mad at the women who eat nothing but junk food. Someone pointed out that although junk food is bad, it probably won't cause deformities unless you get really malnourished. To which he said, "well, we don't know what causes these deformities most of the time." Which although, true sometimes, didn't stop Brent and I from laughing over the great Cheeto deformities some children get, on the drive home.
He even went on to say that he would much rather his wife have a glass of wine every once and a while than eat junk food. Jeeze, I just wanted to say, "drink alcohol if you must, but stop trying to justify it by using bad scientific inquiry and putting down my beloved junk food!"
I like how our educator put it, "it's like playing Russian roulette," meaning, some women can have just a couple drinks and see the fetal alcohol effect, while others can drink every night and not see any effect, they don't know the exact mechanism that causes it, but they do know that if you don't drink any alcohol you won't have a child with FAS. There are some studies that show being younger helps, and that first pregnancies are more protected, but it doesn't guarantee that if you are 19 and having your first baby you definitely won't get a child with FAS if you drink. And I'm very skeptical of any study that might show a benefit, especially if they show that benefit through IQ tests, which like I said before, don't count for much. FAS is more likely to affect your emotional regulation than your IQ, or I should say, it affects emotional regulation way more than IQ score. I know from experience working with adults with FAS.
My unsolicited advice to pregnant women: just don't drink at all. It's too risky. Also eat a balanced diet, but I'm guessing some junk food will not hurt you or the baby. I believe that I have gotten enough good nutrients while also imbibing in an occasional junk food item, this week I just can't get enough Nutty Bars and those have peanut butter in them, kind of, so they aren't so bad ;). And I eat them after finishing my tomatoes, hummus, and whole wheat pita bread! So there! I refuse to believe that it's OK for me to then finish my meal with a half a glass of wine instead.
Maybe someday down the road they will discover that Nutty Bars are really harmful and cause all kind of deformities and my son will be their first case study and my pregnancy diet will be scrutinized and I'll be told how awful I was for eating that processed junk. And the headline will read "Junk Food Worse than Alcohol for Fetus." But until then, I must take the side that says alcohol is easily avoided and very harmful, so we might as well not drink it while we are pregnant.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
I married a white guy.
The fact that I am currently married to and procreating with a white man might not sound like such a weird thing to you. But to me, it's still weird. Don't get me wrong, I am super in love with this man, and wouldn't trade him in for anyone, expect maybe Hugh Grant or Justin Timberlake, and they would have to put up front a good deal of money before I made the switch, and I would probably later regret it.
But do you know what this means? Our kids are going to be white. Like super white, like the kind of kids you get when two white people mate. White. And we're from the Northern and Western European variety, we can't even claim to be Mediterranean. We're mostly from the British Isles and Scandinavia, with possibly some German and Polish mixed in there. Brent has brown hair and hazel eyes, that's about as weird as we get.
This is a strange phenomenon to me because for many years I always pictured having mixed race kids because I wasn't ever dating a white guy. I mean, I dated white guys, but only for a few weeks here and there. All my longer term relationships were with Asians and Latinos. I pictured how cute the mixing of our races would look like if we ever had kids. I got annoyed when people poo pooed adopting from foreign countries because their kids wouldn't look like them. I thought, "my kids will be Mexican, they probably won't look like me!" I felt the race of the man I was dating didn't matter, and time showed me that it didn't.
Then along came Brent, a white guy, whose race didn't matter to me, and I ended up marrying him and am now knocked up with his white baby. A boring white baby. I'm sure this thought doesn't cross many mother's minds, but it sure crosses mine. Thank God I never had a baby with any of my exes, that would have been a bigger disaster, even though I'd have a cute, mixed-race, child right now. But a part of me feels a bit of a loss over this only because it was such a big part of my future world view for so long. I was going to be an awesome mother to my mixed-race babies and make sure no one treated them differently just because they had darker skin.
But now I'm not only having a white kid, I'm having a white, male baby. I'm going to be raising the most privileged member of our society if you only look at race and sex. Obviously class plays an enormous part too, and we certainly aren't rich.
I feel like I'm getting off easy after years of thinking about how the world would view my mixed-race marriage and children. Who knew I would end up with a white man raising white babies?
But do you know what this means? Our kids are going to be white. Like super white, like the kind of kids you get when two white people mate. White. And we're from the Northern and Western European variety, we can't even claim to be Mediterranean. We're mostly from the British Isles and Scandinavia, with possibly some German and Polish mixed in there. Brent has brown hair and hazel eyes, that's about as weird as we get.
This is a strange phenomenon to me because for many years I always pictured having mixed race kids because I wasn't ever dating a white guy. I mean, I dated white guys, but only for a few weeks here and there. All my longer term relationships were with Asians and Latinos. I pictured how cute the mixing of our races would look like if we ever had kids. I got annoyed when people poo pooed adopting from foreign countries because their kids wouldn't look like them. I thought, "my kids will be Mexican, they probably won't look like me!" I felt the race of the man I was dating didn't matter, and time showed me that it didn't.
Then along came Brent, a white guy, whose race didn't matter to me, and I ended up marrying him and am now knocked up with his white baby. A boring white baby. I'm sure this thought doesn't cross many mother's minds, but it sure crosses mine. Thank God I never had a baby with any of my exes, that would have been a bigger disaster, even though I'd have a cute, mixed-race, child right now. But a part of me feels a bit of a loss over this only because it was such a big part of my future world view for so long. I was going to be an awesome mother to my mixed-race babies and make sure no one treated them differently just because they had darker skin.
But now I'm not only having a white kid, I'm having a white, male baby. I'm going to be raising the most privileged member of our society if you only look at race and sex. Obviously class plays an enormous part too, and we certainly aren't rich.
I feel like I'm getting off easy after years of thinking about how the world would view my mixed-race marriage and children. Who knew I would end up with a white man raising white babies?
Monday, March 7, 2011
Why Sleep-Training Totally Freaks Me Out
I guess I've been lucky that most things I've read about babies have said that baby's cries should be responded to promptly in the first year. But I still run across articles or conversations about sleep training. I felt really anxious about this one night and talked to Brent about it who said, simply, "I thought, like, pretty much all the experts out there now say it's bad." This made me feel much better.
Even the therapist I saw last year said the trick to a smart, well-adjusted baby is responding to it, making eye-contact, holding and touching it a lot, and talking to it in a high-pitched motherese. No need for high tech devices or toys or programs. Be with your baby and hold it and pay attention to it, and he will be OK. So, for a long while now, the idea of letting a baby cry itself to sleep seems crazy. But I have some more personal reasons for not ever wanting to try sleep training.
The first one is that for years I slept like crap. I had insomnia in elementary school, middle school, a ton of it in high school. Then I took tranquilizers for about 6 years nearly every night to fall asleep. I feel like I only just learned how to fall asleep in the last 5 years. I think most of the sleeplessness came from anxiety and trauma that kept my mind working in overtime. I couldn't get calm and relaxed and secure enough to let myself fall asleep. I still will occasionally have problems sleeping, but these usually only last a week or so, sometimes just a day. Usually, now, if I didn't sleep well the night before, it's because my schedule got off and I simply wasn't tired enough when I got into bed. This is common on Sunday night. But I get back on track the next day. So if I didn't master sleeping for the first 22 years of my life, why would I expect my tiny infant to master it before he can even speak to me about it?
It also took me a long time to associate sleep as a good time. I have that now. For the most part, I like bedtime and getting to sleep. I don't like to stay up super late and be tired in the morning. Some of this comes from the fact that I have a husband sleeping next to me 99.5% of the time. There's someone to cuddle with before bed and wake up next to. I feel safe and secure and loved before falling asleep and I think this makes it easier to sleep. And if I'm super anxious or sad and need to talk to someone about it, he's right there and will let me vent before I fall asleep. If he wasn't there I know I would sleep worse.
So why is it that some people expect a baby to sleep by themselves? I can tell my husband that I feel like crap and need a hug before bed, or that I have a headache and need Tylenol before bed, or that I'm thirsty, hell, I can get my own glass of water. A baby can't! It can't tell you it feels lonely or sick or it's uncomfortable, all it can do it make noises, and squirm, and eventually cry. It can't say it's too hot or too cold or that it's hungry. Crying is the last resort of communication for a baby, it means, "you really aren't getting my signals, I'm fucking serious, do something!"
Most adults don't fall asleep alone. We have spouses or partners or significant others that share a bed with us. We also don't simply get in to bed, turn the lights out and do nothing else before falling asleep. We might take a bath, or cuddle, or read in bed, or listen to music. I turn on a fan to drown out any external noise. Babies can't do this for themselves, they need us to do it for them. They need us to cuddle them before bed and make sure they are comfortable and well fed. I have a hard time completely self-soothing myself to sleep, how can I expect a baby to soothe itself to sleep?
I truly believe that if children feel safe and secure and relaxed and comfortable and loved, they will be able to sleep. This might mean that until they find their own means of winding down and relaxing, they will need their parents to help. This could be years of having them sometimes sleeping in my bed or on the floor, but I don't think this means they are manipulative or spoiled, I think this is just them asking for a real human need of being with someone else rather than being alone. I ended up in my parent's bed sometimes or on the floor in my mom's room when I was a bit older, it wasn't because I was manipulating them into giving me something I didn't need, it was because I needed the closeness those nights.
I think I saw an episode of Dr. Phil who was very anti-co-sleeping. But he did say that he was OK with it if the child was sick. This just made my head itch more. What does this teach our children? If you are sick, you get the attention you need. Bring a child into your bed only when they are sick and I can guarantee they will be "sick" a lot. Children catch on to these things. When my parent's were getting divorced, I was "sick" a lot too. When I didn't want to be in school, I was "sick." Sometimes I was emotionally sick and just didn't know it, but sometimes I'd play up a minor problem. Or I was simply sleep deprived and needed to go home and sleep.
It seems to me that these baby-training schemes want to make babies act like adults when most adults aren't even that good at acting like adults. So many adults have sleep problems. Although I don't have any hard evidence, I'd say it might come from feeling insecure during sleep time as a child. Or maybe it's just that humans don't sleep well and we shouldn't think that we can solve it by training our smallest to fall asleep on their own. Maybe it's our social nature that makes us need the closeness of another person to sleep well, or at least a friend to talk to before we go to bed.
So, in conclusion, I feel sick to my stomach when people talk about leaving an infant to cry. How many of us would leave our spouse to cry, or our best friend, or even a coworker? And how many of us stop crying when someone ignores our crying? How many of us really just deal with our problems on our own before bed? Maybe some of us do and maybe some babies are more relaxed and have an easy temperament and fall asleep more easily than others, but we can't expect that every baby will be trained into sleeping on their own.
And I really think we need to not be so freaked out about older children sleeping near their parents. I want to be an ally for my children, I want them to be able to come to me with any problem and tell me what they need. If it's that they need to sleep near me to be happy, why wouldn't I want to give that to them? I want my children to value human relationships and the needs of people above everything else. I think responding to their emotional and physical needs is what will foster this. That means not ignoring them at night. I hope to keep a flexible sleep area and change it as needed. This might mean one bed, two beds in one room, two different rooms, or any combo. I don't ever want to think, "why won't my child sleep in his own room?" I want to think, "how can I make sleep better for my child?" I think if he is constantly getting out of bed, then something must need to change, I don't think it's because he is misbehaving.
When I look back at the times my parents were really mad at me, I don't think it was because I was purposefully being bad, I think it was because something was going wrong and wasn't feeling right for me. I needed something I wasn't getting, but probably couldn't articulate it. Hell, I'm not so good at articulating my feelings or needs or even realizing them as an adult. I challenge you to find an adult who always knows what they need and how they feel and how to communicate those needs and feelings to others. Maybe if we could, we'd have a better world.
Even the therapist I saw last year said the trick to a smart, well-adjusted baby is responding to it, making eye-contact, holding and touching it a lot, and talking to it in a high-pitched motherese. No need for high tech devices or toys or programs. Be with your baby and hold it and pay attention to it, and he will be OK. So, for a long while now, the idea of letting a baby cry itself to sleep seems crazy. But I have some more personal reasons for not ever wanting to try sleep training.
The first one is that for years I slept like crap. I had insomnia in elementary school, middle school, a ton of it in high school. Then I took tranquilizers for about 6 years nearly every night to fall asleep. I feel like I only just learned how to fall asleep in the last 5 years. I think most of the sleeplessness came from anxiety and trauma that kept my mind working in overtime. I couldn't get calm and relaxed and secure enough to let myself fall asleep. I still will occasionally have problems sleeping, but these usually only last a week or so, sometimes just a day. Usually, now, if I didn't sleep well the night before, it's because my schedule got off and I simply wasn't tired enough when I got into bed. This is common on Sunday night. But I get back on track the next day. So if I didn't master sleeping for the first 22 years of my life, why would I expect my tiny infant to master it before he can even speak to me about it?
It also took me a long time to associate sleep as a good time. I have that now. For the most part, I like bedtime and getting to sleep. I don't like to stay up super late and be tired in the morning. Some of this comes from the fact that I have a husband sleeping next to me 99.5% of the time. There's someone to cuddle with before bed and wake up next to. I feel safe and secure and loved before falling asleep and I think this makes it easier to sleep. And if I'm super anxious or sad and need to talk to someone about it, he's right there and will let me vent before I fall asleep. If he wasn't there I know I would sleep worse.
So why is it that some people expect a baby to sleep by themselves? I can tell my husband that I feel like crap and need a hug before bed, or that I have a headache and need Tylenol before bed, or that I'm thirsty, hell, I can get my own glass of water. A baby can't! It can't tell you it feels lonely or sick or it's uncomfortable, all it can do it make noises, and squirm, and eventually cry. It can't say it's too hot or too cold or that it's hungry. Crying is the last resort of communication for a baby, it means, "you really aren't getting my signals, I'm fucking serious, do something!"
Most adults don't fall asleep alone. We have spouses or partners or significant others that share a bed with us. We also don't simply get in to bed, turn the lights out and do nothing else before falling asleep. We might take a bath, or cuddle, or read in bed, or listen to music. I turn on a fan to drown out any external noise. Babies can't do this for themselves, they need us to do it for them. They need us to cuddle them before bed and make sure they are comfortable and well fed. I have a hard time completely self-soothing myself to sleep, how can I expect a baby to soothe itself to sleep?
I truly believe that if children feel safe and secure and relaxed and comfortable and loved, they will be able to sleep. This might mean that until they find their own means of winding down and relaxing, they will need their parents to help. This could be years of having them sometimes sleeping in my bed or on the floor, but I don't think this means they are manipulative or spoiled, I think this is just them asking for a real human need of being with someone else rather than being alone. I ended up in my parent's bed sometimes or on the floor in my mom's room when I was a bit older, it wasn't because I was manipulating them into giving me something I didn't need, it was because I needed the closeness those nights.
I think I saw an episode of Dr. Phil who was very anti-co-sleeping. But he did say that he was OK with it if the child was sick. This just made my head itch more. What does this teach our children? If you are sick, you get the attention you need. Bring a child into your bed only when they are sick and I can guarantee they will be "sick" a lot. Children catch on to these things. When my parent's were getting divorced, I was "sick" a lot too. When I didn't want to be in school, I was "sick." Sometimes I was emotionally sick and just didn't know it, but sometimes I'd play up a minor problem. Or I was simply sleep deprived and needed to go home and sleep.
It seems to me that these baby-training schemes want to make babies act like adults when most adults aren't even that good at acting like adults. So many adults have sleep problems. Although I don't have any hard evidence, I'd say it might come from feeling insecure during sleep time as a child. Or maybe it's just that humans don't sleep well and we shouldn't think that we can solve it by training our smallest to fall asleep on their own. Maybe it's our social nature that makes us need the closeness of another person to sleep well, or at least a friend to talk to before we go to bed.
So, in conclusion, I feel sick to my stomach when people talk about leaving an infant to cry. How many of us would leave our spouse to cry, or our best friend, or even a coworker? And how many of us stop crying when someone ignores our crying? How many of us really just deal with our problems on our own before bed? Maybe some of us do and maybe some babies are more relaxed and have an easy temperament and fall asleep more easily than others, but we can't expect that every baby will be trained into sleeping on their own.
And I really think we need to not be so freaked out about older children sleeping near their parents. I want to be an ally for my children, I want them to be able to come to me with any problem and tell me what they need. If it's that they need to sleep near me to be happy, why wouldn't I want to give that to them? I want my children to value human relationships and the needs of people above everything else. I think responding to their emotional and physical needs is what will foster this. That means not ignoring them at night. I hope to keep a flexible sleep area and change it as needed. This might mean one bed, two beds in one room, two different rooms, or any combo. I don't ever want to think, "why won't my child sleep in his own room?" I want to think, "how can I make sleep better for my child?" I think if he is constantly getting out of bed, then something must need to change, I don't think it's because he is misbehaving.
When I look back at the times my parents were really mad at me, I don't think it was because I was purposefully being bad, I think it was because something was going wrong and wasn't feeling right for me. I needed something I wasn't getting, but probably couldn't articulate it. Hell, I'm not so good at articulating my feelings or needs or even realizing them as an adult. I challenge you to find an adult who always knows what they need and how they feel and how to communicate those needs and feelings to others. Maybe if we could, we'd have a better world.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Amazingly, I'm Pro-Leash, Hear Me Out!
Yes, leashes on children, I'm for them. Or I should say, I don't think they are horrible. I'm not advocating that we keep children leashed up out back until they are 18 years old. But they seem super practical to me and a great thing for safety.
I had a leash, and I loved it, it meant I could walk without having my parents run after me every three seconds before I got to the street. And I walked young, at 10 months. You can't explain to a 10-month-old that the street is dangerous and they should stay out of it. Well, you can try, but chances are a 10-month-old that has just learned to walk is way more interested in practicing this new skill than paying attention to where traffic is.
Also, I have trouble keeping track of my ADULT friends and family members in a crowded place. I can't imagine how hard it would be to keep track of a rambunctious toddler who doesn't want to be held in a crowded place. To me, a leash is much saner than strapping a screaming kid into a stroller because he won't stay near you.
I see it as either constantly having to be running after my kid, telling him no, getting stressed out, possibly losing him, or having a leash sometimes. I've never seen a kid angry that he was on a leash, but I've seen plenty angry at being in strollers, or strapped into car seats that aren't in the car. And I've seen tons of parents anxiously running after their children. You aren't a bad parent because you lost sight of your kids for a minute, kids run and parents have other things on their minds. I'm a super distractable person; that's not going to change when I have a kid.
Obviously kids on leashes shouldn't be ignored, but I don't think I've ever witnessed this. And leashes might make sense for some kids and not for others. I guess I assume I'm going to have an energetic, boundary-testing, on-the-go kid. I could end up with a calm one that has no problem holding my hand or spending hours in a stroller. But I walked at TEN MONTHS and I'm a boundary-pushing kind of person.
I just don't quite get what is so horrible about a leash on a toddler. We confine kids all the time, in cribs, play pens, strollers, car seats, swings, high chairs, baby gates... if anything a leash is less confining than these things, allowing the kids to move around in proximity to the adult. I'm way more freaked out about play pens and swings and even pacifiers than I am about leashes. A leash to me equals a nicely controlled freedom for a young child, swings and pacifiers feel like plastic parent-replacements. I hate it when a baby is crying and the parent shoves a pacifier in its mouth. I feel like baby's real need is being ignored. But, I guess if pacifiers work for you, and swings work for you, then go ahead a use them, just please don't judge me when I have my kid on a leash in a crowded mall because he's much happier walking on his own than being strapped to something plastic.
I had a leash, and I loved it, it meant I could walk without having my parents run after me every three seconds before I got to the street. And I walked young, at 10 months. You can't explain to a 10-month-old that the street is dangerous and they should stay out of it. Well, you can try, but chances are a 10-month-old that has just learned to walk is way more interested in practicing this new skill than paying attention to where traffic is.
Also, I have trouble keeping track of my ADULT friends and family members in a crowded place. I can't imagine how hard it would be to keep track of a rambunctious toddler who doesn't want to be held in a crowded place. To me, a leash is much saner than strapping a screaming kid into a stroller because he won't stay near you.
I see it as either constantly having to be running after my kid, telling him no, getting stressed out, possibly losing him, or having a leash sometimes. I've never seen a kid angry that he was on a leash, but I've seen plenty angry at being in strollers, or strapped into car seats that aren't in the car. And I've seen tons of parents anxiously running after their children. You aren't a bad parent because you lost sight of your kids for a minute, kids run and parents have other things on their minds. I'm a super distractable person; that's not going to change when I have a kid.
Obviously kids on leashes shouldn't be ignored, but I don't think I've ever witnessed this. And leashes might make sense for some kids and not for others. I guess I assume I'm going to have an energetic, boundary-testing, on-the-go kid. I could end up with a calm one that has no problem holding my hand or spending hours in a stroller. But I walked at TEN MONTHS and I'm a boundary-pushing kind of person.
I just don't quite get what is so horrible about a leash on a toddler. We confine kids all the time, in cribs, play pens, strollers, car seats, swings, high chairs, baby gates... if anything a leash is less confining than these things, allowing the kids to move around in proximity to the adult. I'm way more freaked out about play pens and swings and even pacifiers than I am about leashes. A leash to me equals a nicely controlled freedom for a young child, swings and pacifiers feel like plastic parent-replacements. I hate it when a baby is crying and the parent shoves a pacifier in its mouth. I feel like baby's real need is being ignored. But, I guess if pacifiers work for you, and swings work for you, then go ahead a use them, just please don't judge me when I have my kid on a leash in a crowded mall because he's much happier walking on his own than being strapped to something plastic.
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