Some of you have stated that I seem like a great mother (aww... seriously, that makes me want to cry), and even some of you have said you'd like to get advice from me when you have kids. I'm so, so, not the expert, I'm a kind of broken woman trying to repair herself while not screwing up her kids. I have, however, done a lot of research in to the subject of raising kids without screwing them up. I've read way too many books on the subject and many of them were not so great. If you are wondering where I go for my own parenting support and information, check out the following books and websites.
1. Ina May's Guide to Childbirth, by Ina May Gaskin
I
read this book during my ninth month of pregnancy and it totally got
rid of any fear I had about giving birth. It should be required reading
for all pregnant ladies. It gives great ideas for getting through
labor and backs them up with stories of women who had amazing things happen. I used the inner mantra of "I'm going to get huge (ie my cervical opening is going to get huge)" during
my labor and they told me I was dilated to 11 cm when I started
pushing. :) It was a fabulous book to make you realize that you're just
one of billions of women who have successfully and naturally birthed
their babies. If you read nothing else about birth, read this!
2. Confident Parents, Remarkable Kids, by Bonnie Harris
I think this is my favorite so far and I don't even own it, I got it from the library a good year ago. It focuses around 8 principles of awesome parenting. It is non-formulaic and I think works well with all kinds of families. If you read no other book on discipline, read this one.
3. Kids Are Worth It, by Barbara Coloroso
This author worked in a school with special needs kids and was able to get them to cooperate without yelling or threats or punishment, so I have to give her legitimate props.
She has another book that I haven't read yet, but would love to called Parenting Through Crisis.
4. Baby Led Weaning, by Gil Rapley and Tracy Murkett
Skip the baby food! Have a confident eater! I'm so glad I was told about the concept of baby led weaning. It has made our meal times low-stress and has had our kid eating what we eat (most of the time) from the beginning (at about 6 months of age). This is the definitive guide.
5. Diaper Free: The Gentle Wisdom of Natural Infant Hygiene, by Ingrid Bauer
This book completely changed my views on potty training and diapering. I was very worried about potty training long before getting pregnant and this book let me see it from an entirely new perspective. She says a few things in there about vaccines I don't agree with, but other than that it is a great book for anyone interested in Elimination Communication.
6. Go Diaper Free!
This site and eBook offers more help for those wanting to do Elimination Communication. "Diaper Free" offers a lot of good philosophy and Go Diaper Free has more things about the practice. I wish I would have read this before beginning EC.
7. Oh Crap Potty Training
This is an awesome potty training eBook. It goes extremely well with the philosophy of EC, she even mentions EC in the book. Her potty training philosophy begs us to not under-estimate our kids capabilities, and to potty train without coercion or rewards, it is not a method, because it will look different for everyone! Much like every other aspect of parenting.
8. Baby Love MN
This is "an independent childbirth education center offering Lamaze childbirth classes, Breastfeeding classes and support,
Infant Care classes, and Infant Safety classes." That about sums it up. These two women are amazing educators and the offer a great breastfeeding moms support group, go to it if you need support! I did for a few months, it was great, they even have coffee and snacks that they give you! They even have an Elimination Communication class there. If you are curious about EC, take it! I know no other place that offers such a thing. They will also teach you how to use cloth diapers and how to baby wear, with carriers to try out. I plan on taking many classes from them the next time around.
9.
The Baby Book: Everything You Need to Know About Your Baby from Birth to Age Two, by William Sears, Martha Sears, Robert Sears, and James Sears
This is the best of the baby books I have come accross, I've read other popular ones, but I think this one is the best. It was how I decided to use a midwife, hire a doula, breastfeed until age 2, co-sleep, baby wear, and look more into the attachment parenting. I read this cover to cover, so when people say dumb things like, "Dr. Sears says you can't leave your kid with anyone else for two years," I can say, "um, actually, no he doesn't say that at all." The only thing I need to add is that this book is relatively old for baby book standards, I hope there is a newer edition, but I couldn't find it. Some of the safety and baby wearing and breastfeeding things in it might not be the best, most current information. Which is why you should go take a baby wearing and breastfeeding class from Baby Love MN!
10. The Vaccine Book: Making the Right Decision for Your Child, by Robert Sears
If you want to know the latest info on vaccines and are interested in modified vaccine schedules, read this book, it makes it very clear. It's a valuable resource in the age of polarizing vaccine views.
11. Attachment Parenting International
Go here and read through this site before you form any assumptions about attachment parenting. My son was 5 months old before I really found this group. I was basically looking for a parenting group of people who wanted to use positive discipline and who did not use punishment and I found this organization. There really isn't another organization around that is so committed to the AP principles. If you want support for your positive parenting style, please check them out and remember that AP parents are a diverse set of parents, if so called "crunchy" things aren't appealing to you, have no worries, that is not what they are about at their core. If anyone finds a better organization for parents, please let me know, until then I'm going to keep referring to this one.
12. Kelly Mom
Got a breastfeeding question at 2 am? Go to this site first and see if you can find out the answer. It has loads of wonderful information on breastfeeding.
13. Infant Risk Center
Are you pregnant or breastfeeding and aren't sure if something is safe for you to take? DON'T ask your doctor, they probably won't know. Call the Infant Risk Center at (806)-352-2519, Monday-Friday 8am-5pm central time. They have the best information available, because it's all they do. Make your doctor call them if he or she is refusing to prescribe something you think you need. I called it once, it was wonderful! Everyone who works with pregnant or breastfeeding women should have this number. Most of them do not.
Sunday, January 13, 2013
Sunday, December 30, 2012
Picking a Date, Changing it Many Times
Still making decisions on the potty training. Something amazing changed suddenly. Just like 6 weeks ago changing diapers was hell. But suddenly Cedric has relaxed and will lay down when asked and be still for the majority of the diaper change. It's like he was like, "I heard you were thinking of potty training, well, screw that I'll just get compliant with the diaper changes."
I actually see this as a sign he is getting ready to be able to potty train more easily. Difficulty with diaper changes completely coinsided with difficulty in elimination communication (EC).
EC was easy to give up on, but you can't give up on diaper changes so easily. I hid the little potty and potty insert and we completely stopped doing an EC because it had really completely stopped working. I have mixed feeling about this. I know I could have done more with it, but I did it in earnest for a year and had some good times and some bad times and I'm still glad I did it.
It's more hard because I got so much judgement for doing EC from people and now I fear they are looking at me and going, "see, ha ha, you FAILED at EC. You shouldn't have done it." Even though I don't feel I failed at EC, I just didn't stick with it to completetion, we just didn't reach potty independance with EC. And, for now, that is totally OK with me.
My son's pee is much more consolidated now, still dry through the night most nights, peeing a lot in the morning, less at night, and down to one poop a day that you never know is coming. He also seems like he understands a lot more.
My two biggest hang ups for actually starting a real potty training are his ability to get his own pants down and his ability to say something like, "I need to pee, mama." I think he's totally capable of these things, though the comunication would be more like, "pee pee!" rather than a whole sentance. He just need practise and I'm not sure how much
We just have to find the time now. I have a bunch of work trainings coming up. I really want a solid week where we don't need any child care, just to DO THIS FOR REALZ! And in reality "potty" will be on our minds for a few months.
Definitely want this to be all done before we possibly go to China in July, so April is looking to be the absolute latest I'm willing to put this off. He's 19 months now and 3 pounds away from being too big for his medium-sized prefolds, and no way in hell am I going to go buy XL prefolds.
I actually see this as a sign he is getting ready to be able to potty train more easily. Difficulty with diaper changes completely coinsided with difficulty in elimination communication (EC).
EC was easy to give up on, but you can't give up on diaper changes so easily. I hid the little potty and potty insert and we completely stopped doing an EC because it had really completely stopped working. I have mixed feeling about this. I know I could have done more with it, but I did it in earnest for a year and had some good times and some bad times and I'm still glad I did it.
It's more hard because I got so much judgement for doing EC from people and now I fear they are looking at me and going, "see, ha ha, you FAILED at EC. You shouldn't have done it." Even though I don't feel I failed at EC, I just didn't stick with it to completetion, we just didn't reach potty independance with EC. And, for now, that is totally OK with me.
My son's pee is much more consolidated now, still dry through the night most nights, peeing a lot in the morning, less at night, and down to one poop a day that you never know is coming. He also seems like he understands a lot more.
My two biggest hang ups for actually starting a real potty training are his ability to get his own pants down and his ability to say something like, "I need to pee, mama." I think he's totally capable of these things, though the comunication would be more like, "pee pee!" rather than a whole sentance. He just need practise and I'm not sure how much
We just have to find the time now. I have a bunch of work trainings coming up. I really want a solid week where we don't need any child care, just to DO THIS FOR REALZ! And in reality "potty" will be on our minds for a few months.
Definitely want this to be all done before we possibly go to China in July, so April is looking to be the absolute latest I'm willing to put this off. He's 19 months now and 3 pounds away from being too big for his medium-sized prefolds, and no way in hell am I going to go buy XL prefolds.
Thursday, December 20, 2012
I'm one of the 30%
I found this article about the whole Adam Lanza/Lisa Long/mentally ill child fiasco: http://www.ahaparenting.com/_blog/Parenting_Blog/post/Nancy_Lanza,_Liza_Long_and_the_Rest_of_Us/#.UNOcjFGVRn4.facebook
In it she says something that totally rocked my world. She says that she thinks about 70% of kids will turn out just fine regardless of how they are parented, outside of outright abuse. 30% of kids will really need parents to be very, very connected to the them to turn out OK.
I think I'm one of those 30% kids. I think I turned out alright, so I'm not saying my parents totally screwed up, but my mental health issues have always seemed way bigger than they needed to be given my childhood circumstances. I wasn't abused. My parents were even pretty good in some areas. But yet, I ended up having very bad depression and anxiety, I was a cutter when I was younger, I ended up hospitalized a couple times, I've had eating issues, blah blah blah...
Just recently I've been thinking about what the fuck happened. Like I mean, really, what was so god-awful bad in your life, Andrea, that you need so much help and still feel like you are holding on by a thread sometimes? What WAS IT? And you know, I can't put my finger on ONE thing, just a huge accumulation of things.
And I have friends who had it much worse than me, who do better than me. And for the last few years I've felt like I don't deserve to feel this messed up sometimes. Like, just get over it, your life isn't that bad, pick yourself up. You are fine. But it doesn't work. I'm not fine. I'm better, but I'm damaged. I'm in a slow recovery. Better than I ever have been, but still not great.
I think I'm just one of those 30% that really needed really sensitive parenting. I just needed more than I got. Another kid might have been totally fine with my parents and life circumstances, but I wasn't. I'm just more vulnerable for some reason. And I can think of a few family members that are the same way. There are a few who I look at their parents, and think they are fine people and even sometimes their other kids are doing really well, but they aren't. They join me in this 30%.
I'm not going to dwell on what our parents could have done, maybe they couldn't have done anything, it's possible. Or maybe they weren't capable at time time of doing anything differently.
Anyway this statistic of the 70/30% totally made me feel like I understood myself more. I think this is where the whole gene-environment interaction comes in. I was born with a much higher predisposition to developing depression and anxiety. It also gives me hope that most of us will be OK even if our parents really mess up, about 70% of us (again as long as some real abuse doesn't get in there). And probably a good portion of parents are really able to create a super sensitive, nurturing environments for all. Throw alcoholism and divorce and a few other things in there that we really don't always have control over and things get messy.
It also shows me why so many people say things like, "my parents did such and such and I turned out fine," Yes, YOU turned out fine, some of us had the same things happen and we did not turn out "fine." We aren't mass murderers (most of us), but we are recovering. And it can sometimes be hard to know if you've got a 70% kid or a 30% kid. So might as well err on the side of caution and just go ahead and try to create a very warn, sensitive, nurturing environment for them as best as you can.
In it she says something that totally rocked my world. She says that she thinks about 70% of kids will turn out just fine regardless of how they are parented, outside of outright abuse. 30% of kids will really need parents to be very, very connected to the them to turn out OK.
I think I'm one of those 30% kids. I think I turned out alright, so I'm not saying my parents totally screwed up, but my mental health issues have always seemed way bigger than they needed to be given my childhood circumstances. I wasn't abused. My parents were even pretty good in some areas. But yet, I ended up having very bad depression and anxiety, I was a cutter when I was younger, I ended up hospitalized a couple times, I've had eating issues, blah blah blah...
Just recently I've been thinking about what the fuck happened. Like I mean, really, what was so god-awful bad in your life, Andrea, that you need so much help and still feel like you are holding on by a thread sometimes? What WAS IT? And you know, I can't put my finger on ONE thing, just a huge accumulation of things.
And I have friends who had it much worse than me, who do better than me. And for the last few years I've felt like I don't deserve to feel this messed up sometimes. Like, just get over it, your life isn't that bad, pick yourself up. You are fine. But it doesn't work. I'm not fine. I'm better, but I'm damaged. I'm in a slow recovery. Better than I ever have been, but still not great.
I think I'm just one of those 30% that really needed really sensitive parenting. I just needed more than I got. Another kid might have been totally fine with my parents and life circumstances, but I wasn't. I'm just more vulnerable for some reason. And I can think of a few family members that are the same way. There are a few who I look at their parents, and think they are fine people and even sometimes their other kids are doing really well, but they aren't. They join me in this 30%.
I'm not going to dwell on what our parents could have done, maybe they couldn't have done anything, it's possible. Or maybe they weren't capable at time time of doing anything differently.
Anyway this statistic of the 70/30% totally made me feel like I understood myself more. I think this is where the whole gene-environment interaction comes in. I was born with a much higher predisposition to developing depression and anxiety. It also gives me hope that most of us will be OK even if our parents really mess up, about 70% of us (again as long as some real abuse doesn't get in there). And probably a good portion of parents are really able to create a super sensitive, nurturing environments for all. Throw alcoholism and divorce and a few other things in there that we really don't always have control over and things get messy.
It also shows me why so many people say things like, "my parents did such and such and I turned out fine," Yes, YOU turned out fine, some of us had the same things happen and we did not turn out "fine." We aren't mass murderers (most of us), but we are recovering. And it can sometimes be hard to know if you've got a 70% kid or a 30% kid. So might as well err on the side of caution and just go ahead and try to create a very warn, sensitive, nurturing environment for them as best as you can.
Which Growth Chart Your Doctor Uses Matters
Here is my son's weight on the "standard" growth chart.
See how at first he get HUGE, you wonder if I am overfeeding my newborn. Then it tapers off, almost to the point where you start to wonder if he is gaining enough weight
This is the same weight plotted on the WHO's newer growth chart.
Now his weight hugs the yellow line pretty well, it's dipping off a bit now, but not enough to cause alarm.
Just putting this out there that you should be skeptical if someone is worried that your kidisn't fitting well on the growth curve. Make sure you know which curve they are using!
This is the same weight plotted on the WHO's newer growth chart.
Just putting this out there that you should be skeptical if someone is worried that your kidisn't fitting well on the growth curve. Make sure you know which curve they are using!
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Please Stop Calling My Parenting Style "Crazy"
I'm an Attachment Parent, also known as Connective Parenting. I'm not perfect and I do not strive for that. Nor do I have a list of things I think everyone should do. I have some evidence up my sleeve that some of the things I do are awesome, but they aren't for everyone, I get it.
I had this experience of someone confessing to me that she wasn't an AP mom and I similarly felt like I was confessing that I am an AP mom. She said some of them are "crazy."
I had to agree with her there, but I don't think they are crazy because of the Attachment Parenting they do. Personally I would never not vaccinate my child, nor would I ever homeschool, nor would a babywear with a kid who can walk, nor would I try to find raw milk or go on a paleo diet. To each there own, I've gotten over the judgement, I will not say that I agree with them, but I don't think they are bad people. And none of the above have anything to do with Attachment Parenting!
In fact we are all doing the best we can fucking do in this rather messed up world we live in.
I'll refer to the API website for what I really think the bare bones essentials of Attachment Parenting is. http://www.attachmentparenting.org/
The 8 Principals of AP:
1. Prepare for Pregnancy, Birth, and Parenting
2. Feed with Love and Respect
3. Respond with Sensitivity
4. Use Nurturing Touch
5. Ensure Safe Sleep, Physically and Emotionally
6. Provide Consistent and Loving Care
7. Practice Positive Discipline
8. Strive for Balance in Personal and Family Life
Is AP starting to seem less crazy?
Notice how it doesn't say, "breastfeed, babywear, co-sleep, don't vaccinate, eat only organic, have a home birth," or anything like that? You CAN bottle feed with love and respect, you can ensure safe sleep by using a crib, you can prepare for pregnancy and birth and still have a scheduled C-section, you can use nurturing touch without ever using a sling, you can provide consistent and loving care and positive discipline while still screwing up horribly sometimes. AP is not for perfect parents, because there are none of those.
I really do think AP can be for everyone. If you really think children shouldn't be responded to sensitively, shouldn't be disciplined in a positive manner, shouldn't bed fed with love and respect, and that you shouldn't prepare for pregnancy birth and parenthood, then I seriously have to wonder why you are becoming a parent in the first place.
There is good science behind the principals. There is really good science that punishment doesn't really work well and/or causes not so great mental health in the long term (despite what a lot of popular child-rearing books will tell you). This is probably the main reason I got into the attachment parenting community. Being around people who hit and yell at and isolate and shame their children is really hard for me. Again, we in the AP community fuck up sometimes and do just this, but we are a support system for those who want help doing something different.
There is absolutely nothing more important than the relationship you have with your child, with a spouse/partner as a close second. Not being connected with your child has extremely bad consequences, and sometimes they don't come out until adolescence or adulthood. For me, the principals above are what I follow to do my best to make sure I connect with my child.
I didn't babywear much, I yell too much, Cedric has witnessed me completely breaking down a couple times. I am pretty bad at finding balance. I'm still an AP mom, I still have the principal groundwork in my head. I get therapy, I try to grow as a person. Parenthood is way more about controlling your own self than controlling your kids.
Whether or not you are connected to the AP community, you probably agree with the principals above, and probably have a few of your own. I sure do. AP is not the only thing I do. I've got other stuff that influences me even further. I'm a socialist, I'm a humanist, I'm a feminist, I'm a believer in critically examining scientific study. I'm pro-choice, I strongly believe that we all should strive to improve our emotional intelligence and boundaries because a lot of us have issues with these. I also believe we are all doing the best we can with the past and the current info we have.
I hate that my baby got the vitamin K shot at birth, but I went with the info I had at the time. I hate that my overactive let down caused me so much stress, but I lacked support and good info about it at the time. I hate that I had a hospital birth, but I lacked support and knowledge at the time. I hate that I found myself so little help after the birth of my child, but that's just how it goes sometimes.
Moms and dads, you are going to make mistakes. I think too often we want to believe that we are doing it all right and when some piece of info comes along that is counter to what we are doing we bash the new info instead of taking it in and either finding out its bullshit or forgiving ourselves for what we didn't know before. We should all start with, "I'm not going to do this all right."
So before you write off AP as something those crunchy, organic-eating, homebirth, breastfeeding until age 4 moms do, please, go to the website, explore, find a play group, actually meet some of them. And yes, some of them will be crunchy, organic-eating, homebirthing, non-vaccinating, breastfeeding forever, homeschooling moms and dads. And sometimes you will roll your eyes at their raw milk that they are into. And you won't like all of them, but you will see that they are actually quite a diverse set of people. The practice of the principals is going to look different for everyone.
I had this experience of someone confessing to me that she wasn't an AP mom and I similarly felt like I was confessing that I am an AP mom. She said some of them are "crazy."
I had to agree with her there, but I don't think they are crazy because of the Attachment Parenting they do. Personally I would never not vaccinate my child, nor would I ever homeschool, nor would a babywear with a kid who can walk, nor would I try to find raw milk or go on a paleo diet. To each there own, I've gotten over the judgement, I will not say that I agree with them, but I don't think they are bad people. And none of the above have anything to do with Attachment Parenting!
In fact we are all doing the best we can fucking do in this rather messed up world we live in.
I'll refer to the API website for what I really think the bare bones essentials of Attachment Parenting is. http://www.attachmentparenting.org/
The 8 Principals of AP:
1. Prepare for Pregnancy, Birth, and Parenting
2. Feed with Love and Respect
3. Respond with Sensitivity
4. Use Nurturing Touch
5. Ensure Safe Sleep, Physically and Emotionally
6. Provide Consistent and Loving Care
7. Practice Positive Discipline
8. Strive for Balance in Personal and Family Life
Is AP starting to seem less crazy?
Notice how it doesn't say, "breastfeed, babywear, co-sleep, don't vaccinate, eat only organic, have a home birth," or anything like that? You CAN bottle feed with love and respect, you can ensure safe sleep by using a crib, you can prepare for pregnancy and birth and still have a scheduled C-section, you can use nurturing touch without ever using a sling, you can provide consistent and loving care and positive discipline while still screwing up horribly sometimes. AP is not for perfect parents, because there are none of those.
I really do think AP can be for everyone. If you really think children shouldn't be responded to sensitively, shouldn't be disciplined in a positive manner, shouldn't bed fed with love and respect, and that you shouldn't prepare for pregnancy birth and parenthood, then I seriously have to wonder why you are becoming a parent in the first place.
There is good science behind the principals. There is really good science that punishment doesn't really work well and/or causes not so great mental health in the long term (despite what a lot of popular child-rearing books will tell you). This is probably the main reason I got into the attachment parenting community. Being around people who hit and yell at and isolate and shame their children is really hard for me. Again, we in the AP community fuck up sometimes and do just this, but we are a support system for those who want help doing something different.
There is absolutely nothing more important than the relationship you have with your child, with a spouse/partner as a close second. Not being connected with your child has extremely bad consequences, and sometimes they don't come out until adolescence or adulthood. For me, the principals above are what I follow to do my best to make sure I connect with my child.
I didn't babywear much, I yell too much, Cedric has witnessed me completely breaking down a couple times. I am pretty bad at finding balance. I'm still an AP mom, I still have the principal groundwork in my head. I get therapy, I try to grow as a person. Parenthood is way more about controlling your own self than controlling your kids.
Whether or not you are connected to the AP community, you probably agree with the principals above, and probably have a few of your own. I sure do. AP is not the only thing I do. I've got other stuff that influences me even further. I'm a socialist, I'm a humanist, I'm a feminist, I'm a believer in critically examining scientific study. I'm pro-choice, I strongly believe that we all should strive to improve our emotional intelligence and boundaries because a lot of us have issues with these. I also believe we are all doing the best we can with the past and the current info we have.
I hate that my baby got the vitamin K shot at birth, but I went with the info I had at the time. I hate that my overactive let down caused me so much stress, but I lacked support and good info about it at the time. I hate that I had a hospital birth, but I lacked support and knowledge at the time. I hate that I found myself so little help after the birth of my child, but that's just how it goes sometimes.
Moms and dads, you are going to make mistakes. I think too often we want to believe that we are doing it all right and when some piece of info comes along that is counter to what we are doing we bash the new info instead of taking it in and either finding out its bullshit or forgiving ourselves for what we didn't know before. We should all start with, "I'm not going to do this all right."
So before you write off AP as something those crunchy, organic-eating, homebirth, breastfeeding until age 4 moms do, please, go to the website, explore, find a play group, actually meet some of them. And yes, some of them will be crunchy, organic-eating, homebirthing, non-vaccinating, breastfeeding forever, homeschooling moms and dads. And sometimes you will roll your eyes at their raw milk that they are into. And you won't like all of them, but you will see that they are actually quite a diverse set of people. The practice of the principals is going to look different for everyone.
Sunday, December 2, 2012
18 Months of Breastfeeding and One Year of Baby Led Solids
I've made it to 18 months of breastfeeding and a year of Baby-Led Solids! It's so ingrained in what I do from day to day that I don't honestly think about it that much. It's extremely hard for me to imagine feeding my child in any other way. I've held a bottle for all of about 5 mins total in 18 months, and only during the times when my overactive let down was really getting in the way and out of desparation to try to calm a screaming, hungry child who refused to latch on did I attempt a couple times to feed him a bottle of expressed milk.
He's also probably gotten about 1-5% of his food from being spoon fed simply because we were too lazy in the moment to do it right. If you are eating a container of yogurt on the couch and your child clearly wants some, sometimes it's easier and definitely less messy to just spoonfeed instead of getting him his own bowl and spoon. But I'd say at least 95% of all the food he has consumed has been either breastmilk or eaten with his own two hands.
I'm guessing most people think this but breastfeeding sure did not go how I thought it would go. I think my child is what they refer to as a "snacker." Never EVER were there definite feeding times, and never ever, even today with a toddler, am I aware of how many times he actually nursed (except on those rare days where time with him is limited). If I counted how many times he actually latched on, it could be like 50 times. I'm guessing my overactive let down added to this because if milk is coming out fast you've got to take some breathers.
There have been a few times when doctors have asked me how often he nurses or how many times a day and I totally have to fumble over these questions because, really, when we are home, he nurses a lot, and when we are out he might nurse once in a few hour time span. And at night, I'm not even aware. So... The true answer is, "I don't know and it varies a lot."
When I hear other mothers talking about specific nursing times and lengths I wonder how they know. Are they making it up, or do some children actually ask to nure and then nurse for 10 mins and are done for a while? Because mine never did that. Mine would cry or sign "milk" nurse for a minute, come off, nurse another minute or two, do something else for a minute, come back and nurse for a bit. Sometimes I would get a whole 5 mins and before nap or sleep or after nap or sleep sometimes 30 mins or 45 mins. But when he was younger, it was less.
My husband today mentioned that maybe we should give him cows milk even when I'm around, to which I said, "but why wouldn't I just breastfeed him?" My husband noted that they I would be so angry about nursing.
I'm an angry nurser now. Not all the time, but frequently my toddler annoys me with his toddler antics during nursing. Not sure why I can't accept that he's a toddler even while nursing. Frequently things like, "please don't climb mommy while nursing," "no pulling hair," "pick a booby and stick with it," "both the boobies are out, what is the matter?" and "enough! Boobies are taking a break now!" Come out of my mouth.
Dammit... I want more specific nursing times. I told my husband that I would think about limiting the times we nurse; I'm not ready yet, but if he's noticing how annoyed I am sometimes, maybe it's time to cut back a little; later. I've got bigger fish to fry with my wanting to start potty training in the next month or two. I'm not going to do two things at once, it will just be too stressful.
He's also probably gotten about 1-5% of his food from being spoon fed simply because we were too lazy in the moment to do it right. If you are eating a container of yogurt on the couch and your child clearly wants some, sometimes it's easier and definitely less messy to just spoonfeed instead of getting him his own bowl and spoon. But I'd say at least 95% of all the food he has consumed has been either breastmilk or eaten with his own two hands.
I'm guessing most people think this but breastfeeding sure did not go how I thought it would go. I think my child is what they refer to as a "snacker." Never EVER were there definite feeding times, and never ever, even today with a toddler, am I aware of how many times he actually nursed (except on those rare days where time with him is limited). If I counted how many times he actually latched on, it could be like 50 times. I'm guessing my overactive let down added to this because if milk is coming out fast you've got to take some breathers.
There have been a few times when doctors have asked me how often he nurses or how many times a day and I totally have to fumble over these questions because, really, when we are home, he nurses a lot, and when we are out he might nurse once in a few hour time span. And at night, I'm not even aware. So... The true answer is, "I don't know and it varies a lot."
When I hear other mothers talking about specific nursing times and lengths I wonder how they know. Are they making it up, or do some children actually ask to nure and then nurse for 10 mins and are done for a while? Because mine never did that. Mine would cry or sign "milk" nurse for a minute, come off, nurse another minute or two, do something else for a minute, come back and nurse for a bit. Sometimes I would get a whole 5 mins and before nap or sleep or after nap or sleep sometimes 30 mins or 45 mins. But when he was younger, it was less.
My husband today mentioned that maybe we should give him cows milk even when I'm around, to which I said, "but why wouldn't I just breastfeed him?" My husband noted that they I would be so angry about nursing.
I'm an angry nurser now. Not all the time, but frequently my toddler annoys me with his toddler antics during nursing. Not sure why I can't accept that he's a toddler even while nursing. Frequently things like, "please don't climb mommy while nursing," "no pulling hair," "pick a booby and stick with it," "both the boobies are out, what is the matter?" and "enough! Boobies are taking a break now!" Come out of my mouth.
Dammit... I want more specific nursing times. I told my husband that I would think about limiting the times we nurse; I'm not ready yet, but if he's noticing how annoyed I am sometimes, maybe it's time to cut back a little; later. I've got bigger fish to fry with my wanting to start potty training in the next month or two. I'm not going to do two things at once, it will just be too stressful.
Monday, November 19, 2012
Let Go, You Will Like it Better
Today was a good day out for Cedric and I. We went to the Midtown Global Market and got food and we played at their play area and then went to the park to play because it was stupid warm out for November. It was a nice relaxing, fun time, with little drama. And we had this awesome time not because my kid is some super-well behaved toddler who is always calm and cheery. No, we had a good time because I let him be a toddler and didn't stress out.
But what I observed from some other parents was stress stress stress. This will probably come across as judgmental, maybe it is. I'm sure all you moms and dads are trying your best and you want what is best for your kid, but I have no idea how you keep up the high stress pace. I have an anxiety disorder and I'm calmer than you.
For me play time ideally is this: drop kid in play area, step out of play area, keep eye on kid, step in if kid is close to seriously hurting himself or another, or doing something destructive or very improper. (Sometimes I can play with, but really I don't want to be the main player, play time is for my son, not me. I like to watch him.)
At the MGM today I only felt a need to step in when he was trying to push the Cozy Coupe out of the play area (something very improper). I just redirected him to keep it in the play area while he screamed and had a tantrum for a few minutes, then he was on to something else. I also helped him on and off the bouncy horse because he's still too short.
Another parent literally followed her 20 month old around and TOLD him HOW to play with everything and often said he was doing it all wrong. I'm sorry, no one needs to tell a kid how to play, they know how. I've never shown my kid the "proper" way to play and he still does what everyone else does.
Also Cedric picked up some blocks that another kid was playing with and she angrily slapped them out of his hand, he was fine, but the other parent totally over-reacted. And of course did not take her daughter's feelings into any consideration. The message was simply that her kid was out of control and acting badly, not a very good message to send a child. Especially when the kid was actually acting completely appropriate for her age.
Like when my son had the tantrum over the Cozy Coupe. I didn't tell him his tantrum was wrong or bad, I fully expected the tantrum. I let it run it's course, I empathized with him, and then it was over.
So part of the reason we went out was to get away from the craziness of these other parents. At the park there is more space. Cedric played at the playground and then took a walk through the grass. When the hill got too steep he reached for my hand, when we got near the lake I told him "no farther" and he tested this limit several times, but he listened and went no farther. Then he held my hand when the hill got too steep again, and then got frustrated over trying to climb a slide and screamed when I put him in his stroller to go home because by this time he was very tired. He had walked a long way and it was nearing nap time.
It was a great trip out. I wasn't exasperated like other parents I've seen out with their kid. Going out is supposed to be fun, not a huge disciplinary task that you need full control over. Geeze, I can't imagine exerting that much energy. I think I do it better with less. I don't ignore, but I'm mindful of when to act and when to let go and leave the playground to wonder over the hills and along the lake. I am only along for the ride in my son's journey of life; I have little control in reality.
If you aren't having fun, you won't win at life. If parenting is a constant battle and a downer, even during the supposed "fun outing" times, something probably could change. I think I had a better day today than the majority of people I saw, and my kid is not some special genius child or anything.
But what I observed from some other parents was stress stress stress. This will probably come across as judgmental, maybe it is. I'm sure all you moms and dads are trying your best and you want what is best for your kid, but I have no idea how you keep up the high stress pace. I have an anxiety disorder and I'm calmer than you.
For me play time ideally is this: drop kid in play area, step out of play area, keep eye on kid, step in if kid is close to seriously hurting himself or another, or doing something destructive or very improper. (Sometimes I can play with, but really I don't want to be the main player, play time is for my son, not me. I like to watch him.)
At the MGM today I only felt a need to step in when he was trying to push the Cozy Coupe out of the play area (something very improper). I just redirected him to keep it in the play area while he screamed and had a tantrum for a few minutes, then he was on to something else. I also helped him on and off the bouncy horse because he's still too short.
Another parent literally followed her 20 month old around and TOLD him HOW to play with everything and often said he was doing it all wrong. I'm sorry, no one needs to tell a kid how to play, they know how. I've never shown my kid the "proper" way to play and he still does what everyone else does.
Also Cedric picked up some blocks that another kid was playing with and she angrily slapped them out of his hand, he was fine, but the other parent totally over-reacted. And of course did not take her daughter's feelings into any consideration. The message was simply that her kid was out of control and acting badly, not a very good message to send a child. Especially when the kid was actually acting completely appropriate for her age.
Like when my son had the tantrum over the Cozy Coupe. I didn't tell him his tantrum was wrong or bad, I fully expected the tantrum. I let it run it's course, I empathized with him, and then it was over.
So part of the reason we went out was to get away from the craziness of these other parents. At the park there is more space. Cedric played at the playground and then took a walk through the grass. When the hill got too steep he reached for my hand, when we got near the lake I told him "no farther" and he tested this limit several times, but he listened and went no farther. Then he held my hand when the hill got too steep again, and then got frustrated over trying to climb a slide and screamed when I put him in his stroller to go home because by this time he was very tired. He had walked a long way and it was nearing nap time.
It was a great trip out. I wasn't exasperated like other parents I've seen out with their kid. Going out is supposed to be fun, not a huge disciplinary task that you need full control over. Geeze, I can't imagine exerting that much energy. I think I do it better with less. I don't ignore, but I'm mindful of when to act and when to let go and leave the playground to wonder over the hills and along the lake. I am only along for the ride in my son's journey of life; I have little control in reality.
If you aren't having fun, you won't win at life. If parenting is a constant battle and a downer, even during the supposed "fun outing" times, something probably could change. I think I had a better day today than the majority of people I saw, and my kid is not some special genius child or anything.
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